¡°Family Tree¡±/ Monday - February 8, 1999

MARK : Sly, Sly--read this. Tell me what you think.
SLY : "Would that I could drink thine eyes into my soul. You push my passion beyond control."
      Mark, did you write this?
MARK : Yep.
SLY : I think I love you.
MARK : It's not for you! It's for Judy!
SLY : Mark, Mark, Mark. This foo-foo stuff never works. Watch and obsoive.
SLY : "Would that I could drink thine eyes into my soul..." uh... You've got great legs and a
      really cute mole.
SLY : Told you it wouldn't work.
MS. ROSS : Good morning!
MS. ROSS : Today we're going to start our family tree projects. Now, I want you to research
            your past and prepare oral presentations.
TONY : Yeah, yeah! See, soon I'll know the story behind the glory that is me.
MS. ROSS : We'll hear your presentations over the next week. Now, I want you guys to work
            hard on these, because family trees are very important--
TONY : Very important. Because by learning where we come from, we'll have a better
        understanding of who I am!
MS. ROSS : Uh, that's right. Now, a good place to begin your ancestor search is by talking to
            relatives.
TONY : That's exactly what I'm going to do!
TONY : Now, I'm going to look through old photos and birth certificates. I'm going to contact
        the U.S. National Archives, and do tons of research!
TONY : Jake?
JAKE : Uh, may I go to the bathroom, teach?
TONY : Mm-mm. See, you should have taken care of that before class.
MS. ROSS : Uh, Tony?
TONY : You didn't raise your hand--But, then again, why would you? Cause you're the teacher.
        I'm...
JAKE : Finally, after doing research for six hours, I can sort through these notes and figure out
       what it is that makes Jake Sommers so cool.
LORENA : Well, here it is, the Costa family history.
JAKE : Wait!
LORENA : Oh, sorry. I've got a big family.
JAKE : And I've got a big headache.
TIFFANI : Aargh! I am up to my ears in Smiths. "Smiths of the Ozarks" "It's A Smith World
           After All" "Here A Simth, There A Smith, Everywhere A Smith Smith."
SAM : Hey, sweetie. Want some company?
TONY : Oh, sure, there's always room for one more.
SAM : What are you talking about? You're alone.
TONY : Ah, but I'm not. See, I feel like my relatives are right here with me.
TONY : Ah-ah! Don't sit there! Great-grandfather Wicks is sitting there.
TONY : Ah-ah! Don't sit there either! Great-great-grandfather Wicks is sitting there.
SAM : Oh, and I suppose, Great-great-great-grandfather is sitting there?
TONY : Are you nuts? Ain't nobody sitting in that chair.
SAM : Oh, that's okay. It's nice meeting all of you. Bye.
TONY : Isn't she cute? Alright, let's see what we've got here...
TONY : What?! My family tree ends with slavery? Nah, nah, nah. That can't be right.
JAKE : Hey, how's your project coming?
TONY : Fine.
JAKE : What'd you find out?
TONY : Fine.
JAKE : Uh, Sly's giving Sam a big, juicy kiss.
TONY : Fine. What? What? I'll kill him!
JAKE : Relax, I was kidding. What's got you so bummed?
TONY : Aw, it's nothing, man.
JAKE : Oh, right. I could tell. I mean, you look like everything's just..."fine"
TONY : Alright, alright... Look, man, everybody's got this amazing family heritage. But me, I
        can't get past slavery. It's humiliating.
JAKE : Well... I guess you'll just have to leave town.
TONY : Oh, man you're right. You're right! But what will I do? Where will I go?
JAKE : Tony, relax. I was just kidding. I mean, come on. You've obviously got to have more in
        your past than just slavery. I mean, why don't you just get another book?
TONY : No, man, I've looked in all the books. I've talked to my parents and my grandparents--
        I can't find anything before slavery.
JAKE : Sorry, man.
MS. ROSS : I'm glad so many of you are enjoying your family tree projects. And I hear Lorena
            Costa has made an exciting discovery. Lorena?
LORENA : You won't believe this. I discovered my most famous ancestor was Benito Juarez.
LORENA : You know, Benito Pablo Juarez. He was a Zapotec Indian, he helped overthrow Santa
           Ana...He was President of Mexico from eighteen-fifty-eight to eighteen-seventy-
           two.
LORENA : I'm also related to Mario Lopez.
TONY : President of Mexico. She had relatives who held public offices--I had relatives who
        cleaned public offices.
JAKE : Cheer up, Tony. I'm sure not everybody's ancestors are going to be that impressive,
        alright?
SAM : Honorable ladies and gentlemen. It is my privilege to present the awe-inspiring saga of
       the Woo family. Part One--the first two-thousand years...
TIFFANI : Wow, Sam, you mean that one of your ancestors helped design the Great Wall of
           China?
SAM : Well, he had some extra time on his hands after he came up with chopsticks.
LORENA : You mean your ancestors invented those things you eat with?
SAM : No, you know, the song.
TIFFANI : Hey, Tony, you must feel pretty lucky to be going out with, Sam.
TONY : Why would I feel lucky?
TIFFANI : Well, because she's got such an incredible past.
TONY : Oh, well, you think she's got an incredible past?! Well, compared to my past, her past is
        a footnote--no, no, it's a toenote--no, it's a pinkie-toe note. Yeah, yeah, it's a pinkie
        toe note in time.
MARK : Tony, what are you talking about?
JAKE : Yeah, what are you talking about?
TONY : Uh, well, you don't know who you're looking at, do ya? Uh, you are looking at a
        descendent of royalty. See, one of my ancestors was the almighty king of a African
        nation.
TONY : Yeah, he was a king.
SLY : Hey, cuz, what's Italian for "love?"
MARK : "Amore."
SLY : No, "Winkle". In researching, I discovered, we're descendants of the great Italian lover,
      Casanova.
MARK : Are you kidding? Really? We're related to the greatest lover the world has ever known?!
SLY : Oh, yeah. So go claim that which is rightfully yours. It's in your blood. Just be romantic,
      charming and smooth.
MARK : Right, romantic, charming and smooth.
MARK : Hi, I'm romantic, charming and smooth.
MARK : But, uh... that wasn't.
JUDY : Hi, I'm Judy.
MARK : I'm...Mark. And you probably wouldn't want to go out with me, would you?
JUDY : I'd love to.
MARK : Alright.
SLY : Ba-ba-balisimo.
MS. ROSS : Okay, continue with the family tree presentations... Uh, Tiffani, I believe it's your
            turn.
TIFFANI : Uh, Ms. Ross, I'm sorry, but I'm going to need some more time.
MS. ROSS : To trace other Smiths?
TIFFANI : Well, no, actually I finally finished the Smiths. But I'm right in the middle of
           researching my grandma's family name.
MS. ROSS : And what is that?
TIFFANI : Jones.
MS. ROSS : Take as much time as you need. Jake?
JAKE : Alright. my great-grandparents escaped from Czechoslovakia during World War II. And
       I've decided to cook one of my favorite Slovak dishes for you -- hallusky!
SLY : Oh, gesundheit!
JAKE : Hallusky is cabbage and noodles. Aaaah... One whiff and you're back in Slovakia.
SLY : Two whiffs and you know why you left.
MS. ROSS : Could someone open a window, please?
JAKE : Alright, now don't pig out on the hallusky, cause I made a traditional Slovakian dessert -
       - beet pudding.
MS. ROSS : Oh, I'm afraid we won't have time for that today, Jake. But I am sure we will
            always remember your presentation.
SAM : Especially when we pass a dumpster.
MS. ROSS : Uh, Tony Wicks is next. Tony?... Is Tony here today?
TONY : Mm-hm, I am a descendent of the great King Mansa Musa!
TONY : Now, Mansa Musa was the sovereign ruler of the African Empire of Mali in the
        fourteenth century. Now, Mansa Musa's reign was a period of stability, prosperity,
        scholarship and cultural brilliance. And this is the type of clothing he might have worn.
SAM : And those are my earrings. A king is wearing my earrings.
TONY : Now, due to my relative's genius, Mali became one of the most important trading centers
        of the entire Islamic world.
MS. ROSS : Tony, this is very impressive. You've done a lot of work.
TONY : Hey, it was a thrill to do my research. I'm really proud of my heritage.
MS. ROSS : You're also lucky. Most African-Americans can't find records of their ancestry prior
            to the Civil War and the end of slavery.
MS. ROSS : You know what? Why don't we hold the rest of the class out in the park.
LORENA : Why, because it's such a nice day?
MS. ROSS : No, because if I have to smell this hallusky much longer, I'm going to pass out!
JAKE : What?!
FOOTBALL PLAYER : Hey, King Tony. could we have the honor of carrying you to your next
                       class? We've never carried a king before.
TONY : It's good to be the king. Come on, carry on... Lift it up...
JAKE : Excuse me, might I have a private audience with his majesty before he gets "carried
       away?"
TONY : Of course, my trusted advisor. Excuse me.
JAKE : What are you doing? You're not a king.
TONY : I know that and you know that -- but they don't know that.
TONY : Look, what's the big deal, man? I'm just trying to have some fun.
JAKE : I'm not gonna rat you out, but I think you should tell the truth.
TONY : What for? In a couple days, everybody's going to forget all about this.
PAT : Your majesty, on behalf of the Homecoming Committee, we've elected you Homecoming
      King for life.
TONY : I'm the...
MARK : Ba-ba-bing, ba-ba-boom! -- I'm going out with Judy tonight!
SLY : Not bad, cuz!
MARK : Not bad? Well, I also had breakfast with Tamara Plimpton. But don't tell her, because I'm
        meeting Chrissy Leavell in fifteen minutes for lunch.
SLY : Wait a minute, you sleaze monkey, you're stringing along three innocent girls and you're
      bragging about it?
MARK : You got it, cuz.
SLY : I'm so proud.
MARK : Hey, when you've got Casanova in your blood, the girls will work you overtime. Ciao,
        babe.
TONY : Hey, hey, enough now, please. Really, I don't deserve your praise.
TONY : That's better.
TIFFANI : King Tony, on behalf of the other surfers, we would be honored if you would perform
           the Blessing of the Boards.
TONY : Friends, do you believe the power of Mansa Musa is traveling through my body and into
        these surf boards?! Can I get a Cowabunga on that?! And while you're in there, you
        might as well throw me a "hang ten" These boards are blessed! Blam!
TONY : Uh, one moment while I talk to my royal speech writer. Quick -- what -- what will I
        do?!
JAKE : Go bless my bike. It's been misfiring.
TONY : No, man, I'm serious. It's not a joke.
JAKE : That's right. It's not a joke. This whole thing is way out of hand.
TONY : Well, when what do you want me to do?
JAKE : You've got to come clean, okay?
TONY : Oh, yeah, right. You want me to tell them I only come from slaves?
JAKE : Yeah, better a slave than a liar.
TONY : Yeah, forget it, man, they're treating me great. There's no way I'm going to tell them I'm
        not really a king!!
TIFFANI : Tony, I can't believe you lied to us about being the descendent of a king.
LORENA : Yeah. In Mexico, you would be referred to as, "el que nos mintio por habernos dicho
           que era un decendiente del rey".
SLY : What does that mean?
LORENA : "He who lied to us about being the descendent of a king."
TONY : Hey, you would have done the same thing if you found out about your past what I
        found out about mine.
SLY : Hey, Tony. is this a Mafia thing? Because if it is, you could join the Witness Protection
      Program, and move to Phoenix and live under the name "Sidney Leibowitz".
TONY : Sly, it's not a "Mafia thing!"
SLY : Uh-huh. Sure it's not... Sid.
SAM : Tony, I don't understand.
TONY : Of course not. You've got two-thousand years of uh, artists, builders and inventors. All
        I am is the great-great-great grandson of a slave!
LORENA : There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a humble background. Look at Jake.
           Jake has a humble background.
LORENA : But he also has a really cute "foreground."
TIFFANI : Tony, what are you going to tell Ms. Ross?
JAKE : Not to mention everybody at school.
TONY : Oh, man, I don't know. I wish I could just disappear -- like my ancestors.
TONY : Excuse me. Excuse me. What are you doing here?
GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER WICKS :  Picking cotton. What does it look like
I'm doing?
TONY : Why?
GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER WICKS : Cause cotton don't pick itself. Course I'd
have a lot more respect for it, if it did.
GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER WICKS : Boy, for one of my relations, you sure
didn't inherit the Wicks sense of humor.
TONY : Great-great-great-grandfather Wicks? I don't believe it.
GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER WICKS : No? Then I guess you're just a simple-Simon-I-hate-my heritage-whining-chopping-down-the-family-tree-fool.
TONY : That's not bad, great-great-great-gramps. But oh, oh... but, you've got to get out of
        here! what if somebody sees you?
GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER WICKS : You're not ashamed of me, are you?
TONY : No... yeah. What if somebody finds out that my only ancestor's just a down-in-the-dirt
        -slave? Uh... nothing personal.
GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER WICKS : Tony, you've got lots of ancestors, far back before they were slaves. Some of them could have been poets, doctors, even kings.
TONY : Oh, man, I wish I could prove that. But all I can prove is that Tony Wicks came from
        slaves -- there's nothing more humiliating than that.
GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER WICKS : Is that so? Well, I've known slaves with just as much dignity and self-respect as any free man. Tony, slavery was not the beginning or the end of the Wicks family history. And even if it was, your past shouldn't be the only factor in how you feel about yourself.
TONY : I guess I'll have to think about that.
TONY : Hey, uh, you mind if I help you finish picking this cotton?
GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER WICKS : It's not as easy as it looks.
TONY : Oh, come on, how hard could picking cotton be? Eh?
TIFFANI : And that concludes my family ancestry--all two million Jones and five million
           Smiths.
MS. ROSS : Thank you, Tiffani. That was truly... exhausting! Uh, next we have Mark and Sly
            Winkle.
MARK : Bonjiorno, my little Italian canolli -- where-a you walk, flowers-a grow.
MS. ROSS : Hey, cool it, Casanova.
SLY : In researching our illustrious Winkle family tree, I discovered we come from a long line of
      liars.
LORENA : Who would have guessed?
SLY : First off, we have Giovanni Winklini. He was best known for proving that Michaelangelo
      painted the Sistine Chapel wearing a bikini.
JAKE : That's a lie.
SLY : You know it, baby. Like I said, Winkles are liars. Next up, we have Pope Luigi Winklini.
LORENA : There was never any "Pope Winklini."
SLY : That's right. He just said that to impress a hot Sicilian babe. Much like my cousin Mark
      here who said we were related to Casanova just to get close to Judy.
MARK : I didn't say that. You said we were related to Casanova.
SLY : Hey, I'm a Winkle.
MARK : Oh, no.
MARK : Listen, I still like you. I hope this doesn't affect us.
JUDY : Well, since you're a Winkle, that means you're lying. So I'm dumping you--and I am not
       lying.
MARK : I'm-a gonna kill you.
SLY : Uh, could you forward my grades to Phoenix. And I'll be under the name "Sidney
      Leibowitz".
MS. ROSS : Leibowitz, Casanova... park it.
TONY : Uh, Ms. Ross, may I please say something to the class?
MS. ROSS : Sure. Tony, what is it?
TONY : Ah, I made up my past because I wasn't happy with the one I have. Now, Mansa Musa
        was real--but whether or not I'm his descendent, I have no idea. The truth is, my
        ancestors were slaves. I'm sorry I lied to you all about it.
TONY : May I please re-do my presentation?
MS. ROSS : Of course you can.
TONY : Now, although he didn't have the chance to become rich or educated, my great-great-
        great-grandfather was a decent man who passed on a lot to his family. He taught us
        values and dignity and self-respect. Well, he and his wife, they lived, loved and
        worked on a farm in...

-THE END-