|
"Babewatch" / Monday - February 8, 1999
TIFFANI : Ba-boom!
SLY : Hey, only I get to say "Ba-boom" This better be big, blondie.
TIFFANI : You better believe it, Sly. "Babewatch" is filming an episode all over town.
JAKE : Isn't that the really stupid beach bimbo show?
SLY : Hey, there is nothing stupid about "Babewatch" It's got babes and, uh...you watch them.
TIFFANI : Yeah, well the director saw me on my board this morning and asked me to be a
surfer in the show. Plus he asked me to hire surfers extras for the background.
TIFFANI : No way, guys. I can't hire you. You're not real surfers.
TIFFANI : Not fair! Not snoopy-droopy eyes.
TIFFANI : Alright! But I'm going to have to give you some lessons. Surfing is more than just
saying "cowabunga!"
SLY : Yeah, you also have to know how to say "bodacious"
TONY : Baboom!
SLY : That's it. I made up "Ba-boom" From now on, if anyone else wants to use it, they have
to pay me a dollar!
TONY : Baboom, baboom, baboom... Bill me. I just came back from auditioning for a guest-
starring role on "Babewatch".
SAM : Tony, you have to get that part!
TONY : I know. It'd start off my acting carrer, wouldn't it?
SAM : Forget that. You could introduce me to the star... Dann Hazakoff.
TONY : Yo, after they hire me, he'll be Dann "Haz-been-akoff".
MARK : Alright, Tony.
TONY : It gets even better, man. The guy I play--he almost drowns and...
JAKE : ...and then that beach bimbo Veronica Sanderson gives him C.P.R. They fall in love. Ho-
hum, yawn, snore. Same thing every week.
SLY : Every night if you record it like I do.
TONY : Now, Sam. Don't you worry. Now I want you to remember, it's only acting.
SAM : It's okay, Tony. I trust you.
TONY : No, no, no. I don't think that you understand. I'm going to be kissing Veronica
Sanderson.
SAM : Oh, I understand. Like I said, I trust you.
TONY : D-d-d-d-don't you get this? Your boyfriend is going to be touching lips with the most
bodacious bikini babe on the beach.
SAM : I know. And I don't care.
TONY : You don't love me!
TIFFANI : No, Tony, Sam's right. You can't have a relationship without trust.
JAKE : Like any of this matters. A million actors must have auditioned for this part.
SAM : Jake's right. You need to do something special so you stand out.
TONY : Hey, you're looking at Antoine Wicks, here. Actor-extraordinaire. I don't need to do
anything but audition to stand out.
TONY : Of course, a little sucking up never hurt.
SLY : Tony, this is a sleazy and shameless attempt at self-promotion. I like it.
TONY : Hey, welcome to Sharkey's, everybody. Let's give a warm welcome to the director of
"Babewatch" Marty Stinson and to the star, Dann Hazakoff; two men who know talent
when they see it. Give it up, ya'll.
TONY : My neme is, Tony Wicks. I'm the man that's responsible for this shindig.
HAZAKOFF : Oh, hey man, thanks a lot, this is real nice of you.
TONY : Yeah, it'd be nice to get a part, too. If you know what I mean? Alright, look here, here's
my picture and resume, okay. Now, I'd be perfect for your show. I can even drown in
Shakespeare. Check it out, "Helpeth me! Helpeth me!"
HAZAKOFF : That was cool, man.
TONY : Alright!
HAZAKOFF : Who's "Shakespeare?"
JAKE : I can't believe everybody thinks this is so cool. I mean, it's just a stupid TV show.
They should call it "Dopewatch."
LORENA : That's it. I'm sick of hearing you bag on "Dopewatch" -- I mean "Babewatch"
SAM : Yeah, you've got a problem with the show? Tell the producer.
JAKE : Maybe I will. I'll just march right over there and give him a piece of my mind. Excuse
me. I was wondering if maybe you could...
MARTY : Hey, the autograph line's over there.
JAKE : I don't want an autograph. I don't even like your show.
MARTY : You know something, kid. You got spunk.
JAKE : Spunk nothing. I've got a brain. What kind of lifeguard can speak Swedish, fly jets and
perform open-heart surgery? And all at the same time?
MARTY : I love this guy! He's giving me lip! Nobody gives me lip! You know, I want you on
my show. How would you like to be my assistant?
JAKE : Well, alright, that'd be alright. But you'd have to listen to my ideas.
MARTY : Absolutely. But, you can see I'm a little busy right now. So, I want you to take that
passion, take those ideas, march over there and make me the best cup of coffee you
ever made.
JAKE : Coffee! Right! Coming up!
TONY : Hey, watch out. You're about to be dazzled by a future star of stage and screen. A guy
who's available for guest-starring roles. That's Tony Wicks. That's me. W-I-C-K-S.
Wicks.
(TONY : YEAH, HA
SAM : HE'S SO...
TONY : FUNKY...
SAM : HE'S SO...
TONY : YEAH...
SAM : HE'S SO, HE'S SO, HE'S SO FUNKY
TONY : WELL LOOKIE HERE
ALL YOU DUDES AND DUDETTES
GOT SOMETHIN DOPE
THAT YA HAVEN'T SEEN YET
WITH THE FRESHEST RHYMES
I'M GONNA MOVE YA
JAKE : MOVE YA
TONY : IN BODY AND MIND
I'M GONNA GROOVE YA
JAKE : GROOVE YA
TONY : EVERYONE WILL KNOW ME
FROM HERE TO PEKING
OOH YEAH
JAKE : OH YEAH
TONY : OOH YEAH
I'M THE NEXT BIG THING
ALL : OOOHHH OOOHHH HE'S FAT
JAKE : HE'S LARGE
ALL : HE'S THE KING
SAM : HE'S SO FUNKY
ALL : OOOHHH YEAH
JAKE : OOOHHH YEAH
ALL : HE'S THE NEXT BIG THING
SAM : GIRL, HE IS FINE.
ALL : HE'S THE NEXT BIG THING
TONY : YEAH, YEAH
WELL IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO FIND
THE ULTIMATE TIF
SEARCH NO FURTHER
CAUSE I AM IT
ANYTHING YA NEED
I WILL DELIVER
TALENT SO SUBLIME
IT'LL MAKE YOU SHIVER
ONCE YA GET TO KNOW ME
JAKE : KNOW ME
TONY : AND YA HEARD ME SING
YOU'LL SAY
JAKE : I'LL SAY
TONY : YOU'LL SAY
HE'S THE--
JAKE/TONY : NEXT BIG THING
ALL : OOOHHH OOOHHH HE'S FAT
JAKE : HE'S LARGE
ALL : HE'S THE KING
TONY : I'M THE KING
ALL : OOOHHH YEAH
HE'S THE NEXT BIG THING
TONY : I'M THE NEXT BIG THING
SAM : HE'S SO FUNKY
ALL : HE'S THE NEXT BIG THING
TONY : COME ON, COME ON
COME ON
EVERYBODY GET UP
YEAH, NOW
ALL : OOOHHH OOOHHH HE'S FAT
SAM : HE'S SO FUNKY
ALL : HE'S THE KING
JAKE : HE'S HUGE
ALL : OH YEAH
JAKE : OH YEAH
ALL : HE'S THE NEXT BIG THING
OOOHHH OOOHHH HE'S FAT
SAM : HE'S SO FUNKY
ALL : HE'S THE KING
ON YEAH
TONY : I'M THE NEXT BIG THING)
HAZAKOFF : Alright! That was awesome, Tommy.
TONY : Ah... it's Tony, Tony. Oh, but "Tommy's" cool, too. So, did you see anyone who'd be
right for your TV show? Perhaps a guest-starring role.
HAZAKOFF : Oh, You bet I did?
TONY : Yeah?
HAZAKOFF : Yeah, I want... that girl.
TIFFANI : Okay, you surfer wannabes. Imagine you're out surfing. You're in the middle of a
gnarly tube. Try to feel the wind in your hair and the water in your face.
LORENA : I feel it.
SLY : I feel it.
MARK : I don't feel it.
MARK : Now I feel it.
SLY : Tiff, it's just srufing. What's the big deal?
TIFFANI : What's the big deal?! What's the big deal?! Okay, Mr. Smarty Jams, here's a little
surfer quiz for ya: It's twelve o'clock, eighty-five degrees... What number sunblock
do you put on?
SLY : I... I...
TIFFANI : You're sun toast. It's high tide, an undertow grabs you. What do you do?
MARK : I... I...
TIFFANI : You're sucking seaweed. And you, you're paddling out when suddenly a great white
shark eyeballs you. What do you do?
LORENA : I... I...
TIFFANI : It's no big deal, huh?
TONY : Hey, gang. Check it out. My little TV star.
TIFFANI : Wow, Tony. You're taking this well. I know how much you wanted that part.
TONY : Oh, it's no big thing; it didn't bother me at all. So they re-wrote my part for a girl, big
deal.
MARK : Well, then why'd you lock yourself in the bathroom at Sharkey's and say--"Nobody
liketh me! Nobody liketh me!"
TONY : Okay, so I was bummed out. But, hey, that's show biz. I'm over it.
SAM : Are you sure, Tony?
TONY : Hey, Sam, look. I trust you. As the gang as my witness, I want you to do it.
SLY : Whoa, major kissy-face with Hazakoff on page forty-three!
TONY : You're not doing it! You're not doing it! You're not doing this!
SAM : Tony, calm down. Remember, it's only acting.
TIFFANI : Yeah... this is no different than C.P.R. with Veronica Sanderson.
TONY : Well, that was different. That was a matter of life and death.
LORENA : Tony, that's such a double standard.
SLY : It's not a double standard. It's just Tony's a guy and Sam's a girl.
TONY : It's almost a double standard, but I'm cool with it, Sam. Just one thing: please don't
enjoy it.
JAKE : Here you go Mr. S. Extra starch on the collars, just like you wanted.
MARTY : Hey, put it in my car. What, do I look like, a closet?
JAKE : What are you looking at, Wimple? It's not like all I do is get his dry cleaning. I'm about
to have some real input. I can feel it.
MARTY : Hey, Sommers. About this script...
JAKE : See?
MARTY : ...Make me a hundred copies. Right away.
JAKE : Shut up.
MARTY : Quiet, everyone. Time for the big scene. Now, Danny boy, you remember what you're
doing?
HAZAKOFF : Yeah, I've gone undercover to save the beach from the evil mob boss. Now I've
got to defuse the bomb, save his naive but sweet, sweet daughter, and then give
her a kiss.
TONY : It's no big deal. It's only TV.
MARTY : Okay! Let's take it from the top. Places... and action!
TONY : "Action?!" Over my dead body! Nobody's getting any action here.
MARTY : Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! That's not in the script.
SAM : I know, I know. He's my boyfriend. And he's going to sit over there. Right, Tony?
TONY : Yeah. That's gonna be me -- sitting right over there.
MARTY : Okay, let's try it again, then. And...action!
TONY : Boom!
MARTY : Cut!
SAM : Tony!
TONY : I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. Promise.
MARTY : Okay. Let's pick up right from where we left off. Places everyone and -- Action!
HAZAKOFF : I did it! And with one second to spare. Boy, am I good.
SAM : I should have known you were undercover. You were the only kid whose mother drove
him to school in a squad car.
MARTY : Cut! Cut! Cut!
MARK : Well, Tiff. Are we, like, gnarly enough to hang ten?
TIFFANI : You bet. I'm really proud of you guys. You've earned your surfer names.
TIFFANI : You are no longer "Lorena" You are now "Richfish" And you will be known as "Ferret
Fish." And you, Monkey Boy, will be known as... "Sea Monkey Boy"
MARK : Alright!
SAM : I don't understand you, Tony. How could you embarrass me like that?
TONY : Me?! Embarrass you?! Ha! Everybody on the beach is talking about your liplock with
Hazakoff. I don't ever want to hear his name again.
SAM : Tony, you're being ridiculous.
TONY : I am not. And from now on, I don't even want to hear the word "cough" again. So, if
you get a cough, you don't say you have a cough, you have a "thing" And you take "
thing drops" and "thing medicine".
TIFFANI : Tony, listen to yourself. Sam's not your property.
LORENA : Yeah...she's your girlfriend because she chose to be. Not because you're making her.
SAM : Do you hear that, Tony? Dann and I are just friends. Can't you get that through your
untrusting skull?
TONY : Okay, okay. Maybe I was just being a little silly. How about we go to a movie? Just
you and me.
SAM : I can't. Dann wants to talk to me about my carrer. I'm meeting him at Sharkey's.
TONY : Oh, no you're not! You're not moving one inch. No way, no how!
SAM : Oh, yes I am! Don't you walk away from me!
TONY : Don't you walk out that door!
TONY : Well, ah... don't forget to buckle up.
SLY : That's telling her.
TONY : Oh, man. Now what am I going to do?
SLY : What every other red-blooded American guy would do. Get in disguise and spy on her.
TONY : Sly, these are totally ridiculous costumes. What were you thinking?
SLY : Hey, I tried to get something less flashy, but they were all out of Power Ranger suits.
TONY : Ooh! Ooh! There they are! Alright, now follow me and try not to stand out.
HAZAKOFF : Isn't this great, Sam? No cameras. No crews. No directors..
SAM : No jealous boyfriends...
HAZAKOFF : Yeah, well. Don't worry. I see it all the time. I mean, a guy'd have to be crazy not
to be protective of you.
SAM : Protective is one thing, but he's really been a dufus lately.
SLY : Hey, if she thinks you've been a dufus lately, she should see you now.
TONY : Shut up before I bite you.
HAZAKOFF : You've been doing great, Sam. I think you have a real future.
SAM : Really? Thank you so much.
TONY : It really was about her career. I should have trusted her.
SLY : Come on. Let's get out of here--I'm getting a rash under my fin.
HAZAKOFF : Sam, there is something else.
TONY : Freeze those fins.
HAZAKOFF : You know the first time I saw you? Well, it was like blang. Magic! I mean, that's
why I cast you.
SAM : Thanks.
HAZAKOFF : No, see I don't think that you understand. I knew that we had something special. I
guess what I'm trying to say here Sam... will you be my girlfriend on and off
camera?
TONY : Oh, man.
MARTY : Alright, alright, here we go. Tiffani, Danny-boy has just put Mr. Big in jail, making
the beach safe for law-abiding surfers once more. And after Sam's line, we cut to
you, what do you say?
TIFFANI : Cowabunga, dude!
MARTY : Got it? Good! And then all you other surfers, step up and cheer. Got it? Good!
Places.
LORENA : Boy, I'm nervous. How about you guys?
MARK : No, I've been on TV before.
SLY : The cameras at seven-eleven don't count.
MARK : Oh, really? Then I am nervous.
TIFFANI : Don't worry, you guys. You've got your surfer stuff down. Besides, I'm the one with
the line. Now relax.
JAKE : Hey, Mr. S. I've done all of your stupid errands. You could at least listen to one of my
ideas.
MARTY : Here's an idea. Coffee. No sugar. A little half and half.
JAKE : That's it! You should listen to me. I mean, Hazakoff just stared down a great white,
commandeered a helicopter, and parachuted onto the roof of Sharkey's, right?
MARTY : Yeah... so.
JAKE : So, look at him. His hair's not even messed up. I mean, you could at least untuck his
shirt.
MARTY : You don't know what you're talking about. Now go pick the raisins out of my bagel.
JAKE : Go pick your own raisins. I quit.
MARTY : Hey, Danny-boy. Brainstorm. Let's muss up your hair and untuck your shirt. Much
more believable.
HAZAKOFF : That's a great idea, Marty.
MARTY : Hey, that's why they pay me the big bucks.
TIFFANI : Okay, guys. Deep breath. Remember we're srufers. We feel no pressure.
MARTY : Alright. Places and action!
HAZAKOFF : The beach is safe. Your dad's in jail.
SAM : My hero. Let's dance.
LORENA/MARK/SLY : Cowabunga, duuuuude!
MARTY : Cut! That's a wrap!
TIFFANI : Cowabunga, duuuuude!
MARK : Tiff, too late. It's over.
TIFFANI : Cowabunga, dude!
SLY : Forget it, Tiff. You blew it.
MARTY : Too late. Ha, ha. We're done.
HAZAKOFF : Just, back off, man. I play a guy who knows karate.
SAM : Tony, please. Don't make another scene, okay?
TONY : Don't worry, Sam. I'm past that. I know about you two. I must have been dreaming when
I thought I could compete with a TV star.
SAM : But Tony, I...
TONY : No, Sam. Don't say a word. It's over. I know I'm doing the right thing.
HAZAKOFF : You know he's right, Sam.
TONY : Sam? What are you doing here?
SAM : I live here. Remember?
TONY : Oh, yeah. I just thought you'd be out celebrating with your TV star boyfriend. Dann "
Haz-it-all".
SAM : Listen, Tony. I told him no. I love you, not him. Why would I want some super hunky
TV star, when I've got a free ticket to Wicksworld?
TONY : Really? You mean that?
SAM : Of course I do, you big idiot.
TONY : Well, I may be a little jealous, but I'm not an idiot.
SAM : Tony, when you love someone, you have to trust them. Otherwise you've got nothing.
That's the part that really hurts. That you didn't trust me.
TONY : I know. And I'm really sorry. A relationship is built on trust. And I know that now.
SAM : Well, know this, too.
TONY : Alright! I'm an idiot!
-THE END-
|
