"Winkle/Wicks World" / Thursday - February 15, 1999

SLY : Alright, television class! Lights, camera, ba-boom!!
SAM : Hey, let's do "90210!" Tiffani, you be Kelly, Tony, you be Brandon...
MARK : Oh, and... and... and... I'll be Dylan! Uh, um, I mean... I'll, uh, be the cameraman.
LORENA : Jake, you should be Dylan.
JAKE : Get real. I'm not gonna play act in some idiotic, adolescent soap opera.
TIFFANI : But all the girls love Dylan.
JAKE : I'm ready for my close-up.
MR. BERLE : Cut, cut, cut! You will not defile my class with mind-numbing drivel. Television
             can educate and enlighten. That is why it has been dubbed... "the window to
             culture."
SLY : Hey, are we going to study "gILLIGAN'S iSLAND?"
TONY : And don't forget "Green Acres!"
SLY/TONY : "GREEN ACRES IS THE PLACE TO BE. FARM LIVING--"
MR. BERLE : And why it's also known as "the idiot box" and "the boob tube" Now, you will all
             break into groups, and then create and tape your own programs.
TIFFANI : Can they be educational shows?
MR. BERLE : Yes.
JAKE : Can they be shows about dealing with crime?
MR. BERLE : Yes!
SLY : Can I get an 'A' and never come back?
MR. BERLE : Yes!! No!
TONY : Good try, man.
SLY : Hey, it was worth a shot.
TONY : Hey! Okay, how about a game show where the prize is a date with the head
        cheerleader?
SLY : Ooh. Lofty.
SLY : Hold it. If we offer the head cheerleader as a prize, how do we convince her boyfriend
      not to beat the pom-poms out of us?
TONY : Oh, man, what are we going to do? We've got to come up with a show.
SLY : Relax. I mean, if it's this tough for a couple of geniuses like us, the gang must be pulling  
      out their hair trying to come up with a show idea.
TIFFANI : Hey, guys, Mark and I came up with a great show idea.
SAM : Yeah, and we've got one that'll revolutionize television.
MARK : So how are you guys doing?
TONY : Huh? Us? We've got so many great ideas, we had to come up with the "WWN": The,
        the Wicks/Winkle Network.
SLY : You mean the "Winkle and Wicks Network."
TONY : Uh, well, either way, it'd be "all us..."
SLY : "All the time."
JAKE : Can't come up with anything, huh?
TONY : No, not a thing.
SLY : Not a thing.
SLY : I mean, despite our great discipline, our keen concentration, and our...
SLY : Goo-ga-moo.
SAM : Go on. Get it out of your system.
TONY : Thanks, honey. Goo-ga-moo!
LORENA : Sam, doesn't it bother you that your boyfriend checks out other girls?
SAM : Hey, you can heat up the water anywhere you want so long as it boils at home. Right,
      sweetie?
TONY : Oh, yeah -- bubble, bubble, bubble.
SAM : Besides, it's like a law of nature. Sly and Tony can't help themselves. They're like, the
      "Gpp-Ga-Moo Guys!"
SLY/TONY : "The Goo-Ga-Moo Guys!"

(MUSIC CUE : "MR. ROGER'S NEIGHBORHOOD"
TIFFANI : IT'S A BODACIOUS DAY AT THE
OCEANSIDE.
A BODACIOUS DAY FOR SURFING.
DON'T YOU WIPE OUT, DON'T YOU WIPE OUT.
IT'S A GNARLY DAY FOR HANGIN TEN.
SAY "COWABUNGA" THEN DO IT AGAIN.
DON'T STAY INSIDE, GO RIP SOME TIDE,
WON'T YOU PLEASE GO SURFING.)

TIFFANI : Hi, all you special dudes and dudettes. Today I want to talk about surfing during a
           thunder storm. Can you say, "hospital?"
TIFFANI : Oh, gosh. Who could that be? Let's go find out.
MARK : Awesome delivery.
TIFFANI : Hi, Mr. McGnarly. Do you have the special package for me?
MARK : Oh, fer sure, babe.
TIFFANI : Well, where is it?
MARK : Whoa... I don't know.
TIFFANI : Can you say, "burn out?"

(MUSIC CUE : "COPS"
MALE SINGER : BAD DUDES, BAD DUDES,
BREAKING ALL THE RULES.
BREAKING ALL THE RULES,
YOU'LL GO TO SUMMER SCHOOL.
BAD DUDES, BAD DUDES)

SAM : Hall Monitors is taped on location with real Hall Monitors.
SAM : This could be a very dangerous bust. The guy's in flagrant violation of student handbook
      rule one-forty-seven: "No gum chewing in school."
LORENA : We found a lot of gum wrappers in the vicinity of this bench...so we know it's his
           favorite chomping spot. Now we wait.
SAM : Hall Monitors Woo and Costa. You're busted for gum-chewing in the halls. Get down.
JAKE : I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not chewing any gum.
SAM : Yeah, yeah, tell it to the principal.
SLY : Psych!
SLY : Hey there out in TV land. This is my good buddy, Tony.
TONY : And this is my homey, Sly. And we're the...
SLY/TONY : Goo-ga-moo Guys! Hey!
SLY : Yep. We're two hot babe magnets with a lot to say.
TONY : And some of it's even worth listening to.
TONY : Hey, let's kick it off by introducing our very special guest... Elle McPherson!
SLY : I'm so happy to be here. You're the hottest guys I've ever seen.
TONY : Well, you're not so bad yourself, Elle, Elle, Ma Belle.
SLY : And to prove how hot she is, let's bring out the "Goo-Ga-Mometer!"
SLY : Go ahead, Elle, give it a touch.
TONY : Hot! Hotter! I'm melting!!
SLY : Oh, yeah. She's so hot she's got her own fire department.
TONY : Mm-hm. She's the most steamiest-peppercorn-popping-inferno that ever brought
        Smokey The Bear to his feet!
SLY/TONY : SWISH!
SLY : Well, that's all the time we have.
TONY : Yeah, so until we meet again...
  IF YOU WANT A HOT BABE
  BUT DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
  DON'T SWEAT, DON'T FRET, SAY...
SLY/TONY : ..."GOO-GA-MOO!" Hey!
MR. BERLE : Alright, "The Goo-Ga-Moo Guys."  What, may I ask, were you thinking?
SLY : Well, mostly, we tried not to.
MR. BERLE : And it showed. You get an "F".
SLY : What?! You can't fail us.
MR. BERLE : Can and did. It's done. Now, I'd like you to meet Mr. Carvey. He owns a local TV
              station and has agreed to share his wisdom with us.
MR. CARVEY : Well, I think what you've done is great.
MR. BERLE : Well, I do try.
MR. CARVEY : Not you. "The Goo-Ga-Moo Guys." You two have a great chemistry. How'd you
               like to do the show for my station?
TONY : You mean like on real TV?
SLY/TONY : SWISH!!!
STAGE MANAGER : And, we're on in three, two...
ANNOUNCER : And now, live from Pacific Coast, C.A. -- it's the "Goo-Ga-Moo Guys!!!"

(MUSIC CUE : "LOVE"
TONY : "GOO" IS FOR A HOT BABE'S BLOND HAIRDO.
SLY : "GA" IS ADDED IF HER EYES ARE BLUE.
TONY : "MOO" IS FOR THE CUTE BABES,
        IN THE MALLS, THE STREETS, THE ARCADES.
SLY/TONY : "GOO-GA-MOO" MEANS WE LOVE YOU.)

SLY : Hey, out there in TV Land. This is my good buddy, Tony.
TONY : And this is my homey, Sly. And we're the...
SLY/TONY : Goo-Ga-Moo Guys!
SLY : Yep, we're a brand new show and you probably have no idea who we are.
TONY : Yeah, but there's a lot of reasons why you should check us out. And here are the top
        three.
TONY : The third most popular reason for watching the goo-ga-moo guys is: We have less
        hairballs than Stimpy.
SLY : Reason number two is : We won't sell you t-shirts...
TONY : Cause we've got mugs!
SLY : And the number one reason to watch the goo-ga-moo guys is: Can I have a drumroll?
SLY : Thank you. We'll beam you here and make you watch us do the Cossack dance.
TV VIEWER : Hey! I was watching "Blossom!"
TONY : I think we learned a valuable lesson don't you, Sylverster?
SLY : Yup. Never... EVER... touch the Goo-Ga-Mometer with the Swimsuit Issue.
TONY : Well, I'm sorry to say that that's all the time we have. But I hope you'll catch our next
        show, cause it's going to be even more brilliant.
SLY : Oh, yeah. It's going to be so brilliant, it's going to make Albert Einstein look like Forest
      Gump.
TONY : Mm-Hm, it's going to be the most super-stupendous-merriment that ever beamed over
        the airwaves.
SLY/TONY : SWISH!
STAGE MANAGER : And we're clear. Great show, guys.
SLY : Thank you.
SLY : So what'd you think, Mr. Carvey?
MR. Carvey : I think you guys are going to be a hit, so drop anything non-show related. We'll
             talk schedule tomorrow. Now go out and have fun.
SAM : May I be the first person to join the Goo-Ga-Moo Guys Fan Club?
TONY : Oh, get out of here.
JAKE : You know, I hate to drop a reality bomb here, but uh, what about the Dreams?
SLY : Well...
TONY : Oh man, I guess we'll just have to take a leave of absence from the band.
SLY : Yeah.
TIFFANI : Oh, Tony, it's going to be so hard to replace you.
LORENA : Yeah, it sure is.
SAM : I know.
SLY : Well, not to mention the impossible task of finding a manager as great at me.
LORENA : I'll do it.
TIFFANI : As much as I miss them, I'm glad Tony and Sly's show is a hit.
JAKE : Me, too, but I mean, it's just a cheap "Wayne's World" rip-off. How big of a hit could it
       be?
JAKE : You think maybe they'd hire me?
MARK : So, Lorena, get any gigs for us yet?
LORENA : Well, there's nothing out there. Except for this really high-class affair. But it's not
           right for the Dreams.
JAKE : What are you saying we're not classy?
JAKE : What...?
TIFFANI : Okay, so we just keep Jake from eating.
SAM : And keep Tiffani from drinking soda.
MARK : Ow! Sam!
LORENA : I rest my case.
LORENA : Okay, okay, I'll try to get the gig, but I'll need to give you some...etiquette lessons.
JAKE : What?!
LORENA : Okay, I booked you at the Historical Society Dinner at Sharkey's. Look, these people
          are sophisticated, you have to be well mannered and refined. For instance, if someone
          tells a bad joke, how do you react?
LORENA : No! You don't want to embarrass anyone. Just laugh haughtily.
LORENA : Great. Now we just change all your music and you're set.
LORENA : Oh, just some small changes. You know, slow the beat, lower the volume, and... uh,
           lose the lyrics.
SAM : But we'll be playing elevator music.
LORENA : By jove, I think you've got it.
TONY : Hey, have you guys seen Sly? I want to work on this new bit I've got for the show
        called the "Goo-Ga-Moo Gladiators."
SLY : Yep, so I'm adding a new bit to the show, the "Goo-Ga-Moo Girl of the Week." Play
      your cards right, it could be you. Swish!
TONY : Don't you "swish" me. What's this new bit stuff? You can't add something without my
        approval.
SLY : Since when do I need your approval?
TONY : Since you're too busy playing babehound to work on the show.
SLY : Oh, you're just jealous 'cause they like me more than you.
TONY : Oh, get real, man. See, the only reason they even acknowledge your pathetic butt is
        because I'm hooked up with Sam!
SLY : You're just gonna have to accept the fact that I'm a bigger hit than you.
TONY : Ha! If I weren't on the show, you'd be on the street with a little sign that says, "Will
        Goo-Ga-Moo for food."
SLY : You're nothing without me!
TONY : Oh, yeah?! you're nothing without me!
SAM : Stop it, guys! The show is the hit. And your friendship is the show. Without that you're
      a flop.
SLY : Yeah, I guess I was acting a little crazy.
TONY : Yeah, it's cool. We were both getting kind of egotistical.
SLY : No, I'm not egotistical. I just think I'm better than everyone else.
JOE REED : Hey, goo-ga-moo guys. Joe Reed, PCH Gazette. You're our lead story. how about
            answering a few questions?
SLY : Alright.
TONY : Uh, sure.
JOE REED : Okay... okay, first question: Who created the show?
SLY/TONY : I did! You did not!
SLY : I thought of it at Sharkey's.
TONY : Oh, pelase. You couldn't think your way out of a v-neck shirt, fool.
SLY : I'm sick of you. Why don't you take your "Goo-ga-moo Gladiator" and get lost.
TONY : You get lost... you get lost with your "Goo-ga-moo Girl of the Week!"
SLY : That's it! Our friendship is terminated!
TONY : You got it!
JOE REED : Alright, second question...
TONY : We both have had the night to cool down, alright? So let's just be professionals and
        just do the show. But before we start there's just something you've gotta know.
SLY : What's that?
TONY : I hate your guts.
SLY : Oh, yeah? Well, I hate you more than donating all my money to charity.
TONY : Oh, yeah? Well, I--
ANNOUNCER : And now, live from Pacific Coast, C.A. -- it's the "Goo-Ga-Moo Guys!!!"
TONY : Well, we've got an awesome show for you today so let's just kick it off with a very
        cool new segment.
SLY : Oh, yeah, it's cooler than Frosty the Snowman's butt.
TONY : Mm-hm, it's the most ice-tea-chillin-anti-freeze-freezin-segment that ever gave a
        couch potato frost bite.
SLY : Zing!
TONY : Chilly!
SLY : "Chilly?" What is that, something you stick on your hot dog?
TONY : Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? And what's "zing?" Short for "zingle" because no girl vill date you?
SLY : Oh, yeah?
TONY : Yeah! Yeah!
SLY : Why don't you stick to the--
SLY : Well, let's start off with the goo-gah-moo girl of the week. And to prove who the
      hottest girl is, I've got the Sly-mometer.
TONY : Oh, no, no, no... Oh, the new segment is the goo-ga-moo gladiators! Oh, check it out
        -- The Wicks Whomper!
SLY : Watch where you swing that thing!
TONY : You hit me in the head with that thing!
SLY : I didn't mean it.
TONY : You know you did.
SLY : It wasn't on purpose.
MR. CARVEY : Go to commercial. Go to commercial.
MR. CARVEY : Alright, listen up, boys. This show is only good if your friendship is good. So
               you either choke down those egos, or you bomb. Catch my drift?
SLY/TONY : Yeah.
STAGE MANAGER : And we're back in three, two...
TIFFANI : Come on, guys. Don't act like this. So your show got canceled. You guys have a
           special friendship. Isn't it worth saving?
SLY/TONY : Eh.
SAM : Tiffani's right. So you got in a fight. All friends get in fights sometimes. But you get
      over them.
SLY/TONY : Eh.
JAKE : Look, neither one of you is any better than the other. You're both jerks. But you keep
       each other in check. You make each other work to be better jerks.
JAKE : Ah, forget these jerks. If they want to bag their friendship, let them. Come on, let's go
       get ready for our gigs.
SLY/TONY : Eh.
LORENA : You guys look great.
LORENA : Oh, here comes the President of the Historical Society. Don't forget, if she tells a
          lame joke, laugh haughtily.
MRS. DUMONT : Oh, I'm so delighted that you're here. Who knows? Maybe you'll have so much
                 fun you'll join our Society.
LORENA : That wasn't a joke.
MARK : We could join. That would be a lot of fun.
TIFFANI : Maybe we could...
JAKE : Let's just get this fiasco on the road.
TONY : Yo, what's the deal? You guys are still playing this gig? I mean, these people are so
        stuffy they should take a bath in Neo-synephrine.
TIFFANI : Hey, it's a gig.
TONY : Yeah, I know, but I'm...
SLY : Hey, what's going on here? I stop managing you guys for five minutes and you get a gig
      for the "Night of the Living Dead?"
TONY : Hey, it's a gig. And I think that's good.
SLY : Oh, golly-gee-wittikers, that makes me feel better.
LORENA : Hey! If you two want to stay, that's fine. But no fighting. You sit there and you sit
          there.
JAKE : Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. And now, for your listening pleasure, my associates
       and I will furnish you with some background orchestration.
MARK : A-one, and a-two, and a...
SLY : You really think this is a good thing?
TONY : No, man. I think it's terrible.
SLY : Yeah. It's so terrible it makes watching Barney look like going to a Smashing Pumpkins
      concert.
TONY : Mm-hm. It's the most unbearably-odious-snatch-of-sell-outitude these ears have ever
        beared witness to.
SLY/TONY : SWISH.
SLY : Oh, man, I'm sorry, Tony. I was a bonehead. I was totally out of control.
TONY : Yeah, you're right. Apology accepted.
SLY : Huh?
TONY : Yo, I'm sorry, too, man. We're friends, man. We should accept each other for who we
       are. We don't have to be fighting over who's better than who.
SLY : Yeah, and we should both know we're better than everybody else.
TONY : Dig it.
SLY : Hey, since we're friends again, how about we save our show?
TONY : Man, forget the show...Let's save our ears...
SLY/TONY : SWISH!

-THE END-