"The Dateless Game" / Thursday - February 18, 1999

LORENA : Well, tomorrow's the big day. If you and Jake get through it, you'll break your old
           dating record.
TIFFANI : Lorena, don't talk about it! Oh, knock on wood! Oh, oh!
TIFFANI : I don't want anything to jinx it! Where's the salt?! Heh.
LORENA : Riiiight... but you've got to admit it's pretty cool. Three months and two days
           without breaking up even once.
TIFFANI : Well, I love Jake a whole lot.
TIFFANI : GET AWAY FROM ME!
JAKE : I love you, too.
JAKE : Hey, it's not like we're going to break up if we spend time together, but why take a
       chance?
TONY : Oh, man, I can't believe you. You're just being superstitious. No, you're being
        "stupidstitious."
SLY : Baboom! Tonight's the night!
TIFFANI : No, Sly. It's tomorrow night. Jake and I are going for a romantic dinner at Paradise
           Inn, and--
JAKE/SAM/LORENA/TONY : Don't talk about it!
SLY : Forget that. I'm talking about the St. Margaret's school for the "Chase Me and Hold Me."
MARK : Sly! It's St. Margaret's School for the "Chaste and Holy."
SLY : I like mine better.
MARK : We're contestants in a charity version of "The Dating Game."
SLY : And I'm definitely going to win because Mark's my main competition.
MARK : You don't know that. The girl won't see us. She'll be picking us just by personality.
SLY : Like I said.
MARK : We just stopped in to see if you wanted to come check it out with us.
SAM : Not me. I don't need to go across town to see you get rejected like a couple of idiots.
JAKE/TONY : We do!
SLY : Oh, man. An all-girls school. I feel like a cat in a canary cage. Mee-oww.
JAKE : Come on, Sly, chill out. Look at Mark. He's not going ape.
MARK : Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
JAKE : Well, at least you're not embarrassing me, Tony.
TONY : Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! That's Milt Bradley. He's my idol. He's the best game-show
        host since Guy Smiley. I've got to impress him.
MILT : Hi, there. Are any of you groovy guys Sly and Mark Winkle?
MARK : Ooh, ooh, I am. I am.
SLY : Yeah, that's us.
TONY : And I'm their bosom compadre, Tony "Winks."
MILT : Is there something wrong with your eye?
MILT : Listen, tonight's third guy just canceled out, so that means there's no dating game
       tonight. Sorry, fellas.
SLY : Wait, wait. If I can find another guy, can we still play?
MILT : Let's see what our judges think.
MILT : You have thirty seconds.
SLY : Tony, you've gotta do it.
TONY : He hated my wink.
SLY : Forget it, he's gone. I'd ask you, Jake, but I know you're afraid of Tiffani.
JAKE : Hey, Jake Sommers doesn't do afraid. I'll just lose on purpose so Tiff doesn't get upset.
MILT : Hi, there! Hah, hah! Welcome to St. Margaret's charity Dating Game!
TONY : Yes! Go, Milt! You the man!
MILT : Okay. Now tonight we have three eager guys, who will answer a girl's questions in the
       hopes of winning a fabulous dream date. And here they aaare! Okay, guys, tell us a little
       bit about yourselves...
SLY : I'm Sly Winkle and my interests are chicks. Kissing. And kissing chicks.
MARK : I'm Mark Winkle and I'm more interested in helping the charity than getting a date.
JAKE : I'm the one who's tryin to sound like a loser, okay? Ah, like, my friends call me
       seashell cause like if you listen in my ear, you can like totally hear the ocean, man.
MILT : O-kay! Now let's meet our gal. She lists her interests as calculus, computers, and
        finding edible plants in the wilderness. Mmm, well here she is, Miss Ter-riii Weberrrr!
MARK : Sounds like she's smart.
SLY : Yeah, well I can overlook that as long as she's not.
MILT : Let's start by having our eager guys say a big Dating Game "hello" to Terri. Eager Guy
       number one.
SLY : I'll show her smart. Bon Journey, babee.
MARK : Hi-diddely-doo, Terr.
JAKE : Uh... like what was the question?
MILT : Terri, if you have your questions ready, let's begin.
TERRI : Eager Guy number one... if you were marooned on a desert island, what three things
        would you want to have?
SLY : That's easy. A campfire, a full moon and you.
TERRI : Wow! Eager Guy number two?
MARK : Just three things? I don't know if I could pick just three things--
TERRI : Okay. Eager Guy number three?
JAKE : Uh, uh... Hi ya, Milt.
TERRI : Eager Guy number one... Do you believe in love at first sight?
SLY : I don't know. Step around the partition and I'll tell you. Heh-heh-heh.
TERRI : Ooh. Eager guy number two?
MARK : How are you defining "love?"
TERRI : Number three?
JAKE : Oh... I get it. Hi, ah, ah, ah... Terri.
MILT : Terri, it's time, time to pick which of our eager guys is your dream man.
TERRI : Okay, my dream man is.. Eager Guy numberrrrr three!
MILT : Number three?!
SLY : Number three?!
JAKE : So, Terri, why'd you pick number three? And I really want to know.
TERRI : Well, like, that smart routine was just an act. Actually, I'm a surfer, but I didn't want
        the guys to pick me cause they thought I was a bimbo.
MILT : But... you were picking them.
TERRI : So it worked.
MILT : O-kay! Eager Guy number three, come on out and meet Terri. It's "fer sure" you're a
       match made in heaven.
JAKE : And it's "fer sure" that Tiffani's going to kill me.
SLY : I can't believe you, Jake! You were supposed to lose. You know, throw the game, take the
      fall, hit the mat. In short, that means, NOT WIN!!!
JAKE : Sly, I'm sorry. I tried. And if you yell at me again, you're going to "take the fall" "hit
       the mat". In short NOT LIVE!
SLY : You know what gets me the most? I lost even though I was honest.
TONY : What are you talking about? you were a complete sleaze out there.
SLY : Hey, I gotta be me.
MARK : Well, let's look at the bright side. We did help raise money for charity.
TONY : Yeah, well, I know another charity that needs help. The "Save-Jake's-Butt-Fund."
JAKE : Hey, I admit Tiffani's not going to be thrilled, but we have a trusting relationship. I'll
       just be honest.
SLY : HA!
TONY : Well, you be honest all you want, but if you go out with that other girl, you're gonna be
        a contestant on a new game show: "Dump the Chump." So, Tiffani, Jake is dating
        another girl. What do you say? I say "Dump the Chump."
JAKE : But, Tiff, I can explain--
TONY : Sorry, you lose. However, we do have some nice parting gifts.
MILT : Hey, you -- Winks. That was pretty darned good. You've got potential. Now, work on
       the wink, and you could go places.
TONY : Did you guys hear that? I've got potential. Oh, man. I gotta study. I gotta practice. I
        gotta get some "Lee Press-on Eye Lashes."
JAKE : I can't believe I gave my word I'd go on this stupid date. I guess I'll just have to do it
       and not let Tiff find out. It shouldn't be too hard, actually.
TERRI : Hi, Seashell. I can't wait until our date. We won dinner for two at Sharkey's tomorrow
        night.
JAKE : At Sharkey's?!! Tomorrow night?!
TONY : "Dump the chump." "Dump the chump."
SAM : Hey, guys. Check out what Tiff's going to wear on tonight's date with Jake.
LORENA : Boy, Tiff, when Jake sees you in that he'll try to break more than your dating record.
           He'll be going for the world's longest kiss.
TIFFANI : Ooh, that'd be cool. Now I can't wait for him to see this dress.
JAKE : Hey.
TIFFANI : Oh, don't look at me! Don't you dare look at me!!
JAKE : Enough of this jinx stuff. Tiff, I need to talk to you.
SAM : Come on, Jake. You've waited this long, what's a few more hours?
LORENA : Yeah. Tonight's very important to Tiff. She wants it to be just perfect.
JAKE : So then, I suppose canceling it would be a bad thing, huh?
SAM : That depends. Would you consider removing your motorcycle from your nose a bad
       thing?
JAKE : Tell her I'll see her tonight.
SLY : Ha! Ha! You're in trouble now. And you thought you were so cool for having two chicks.
TONY : He never thought it was cool.
SLY : Oh, right--that was me.
JAKE : Well, that's it. I've gotta go on both dates without either of them knowing.
TIFFANI : Why are we here? I wanted a nice, romantic dinner at The Paradise Inn.
JAKE : What's more romantic than a special night at the first place we met?
TIFFANI : No. Jake, we met at school.
JAKE : Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. But our lips first met at Sharkey's.
TIFFANI : Ohhh. No. Our first kiss was in Matt's garage. What's going on, Jake?
JAKE : Okay, okay. I'll tell you the truth... The Paradise Inn serves illegally netted tuna.
TIFFANI : NO!
JAKE : I'm afraid so.
TIFFANI : This is so fantastic. We actually broke our dating record.
JAKE : And we're going to keep on breaking it over and over til the end of time.
TIFFANI : Ohhh.
JAKE : Here we go. Ah, oh, my gosh! I left the light on on my bike. I'll be right back, okay?
JAKE : Hey.
TERRI : Hey, Seashell--groovy place.
JAKE : Yeah, fer sure. Well, you know, ah, like let's sit down, kay?
TERRI : Kay. How about over there?
JAKE : Not kay! Let's sit here, over here, you know, by the window... cause the sea food will
       smell uh... sea-foodier.
SLY : Hey, Seashell, uh, you left your light on on on on your surfboard.
TERRI : You have a light on your board?
JAKE : Well, yeah, sshh, for, "night surfing."
TERRI : Wow. Where do you plug it in?
JAKE : I'll be right back.
TIFFANI : Is everything alright?
TIFFANI : Good. Come on, let's dance.
SLY : Hey, Jake! You've got a phone call. It's your mom.
JAKE : Oh, I'm sorry. This'll only take a second.
JAKE : A headlight on my surfboard?
SLY : Hey, it's not like I have a script.
JAKE : Oh. Hi, mom.
JAKE : Sorry, it took so long. You know, I got lost in the parking lot.
TERRI : Oh, I hate when that happens. Whoa, gnarly tune. Let's landsurf.
TERRI : Wipe-out! Are you kay?
JAKE : Yeah, you know, I think I twisted my ankle. I'd better get the ace bandage from my
       board.
JAKE : Yeah, uh, well, you know, I gotta go. Your keeping the most beautiful woman in the
       world waiting... Goodnight.
TIFFANI : Why are you wearing that necklace?
TIFFANI : Jake, why are you wearing that necklace?
JAKE : Uh, ih, well, it was a gift! For you. I had it in my pocket.
TIFFANI : Ohhh, you're so thoughtful.
JAKE : But, you know what? This necklace isn't good enough for you.
TIFFANI : No, Jake. I love it.
JAKE : See? It was cheap merhcandise.
JAKE : I'll clean it up.
TERRI : Weee! Hey, Seashell. What are you doing here? Ohh. Did you get lost, again?
TIFFANI : What's going on?
JAKE : Uh...
TERRI : It's kay. My date's just a bit of a burn-out.
TIFFANI : your "date"?!
JAKE : Uh, Tiff, I can explain!
TIFFANI : Great. I'm sure your date would love to hear about it. "That" date. Not "this" date. I
           never want to see you again.
JAKE : Tiff, wait!
TERRI : Ooh, Puka Shells. I had no idea pukas traveled this far on land.
JAKE : Tiff... wait... listen... Water. Water.
SLY : Hey, Jake, I didn't know you jogged.
JAKE : I don't... but I should. I've been following Tiffani, trying to get her to listen to me.
TIFFANI : I did an extra six miles on purpose.
SAM : Tiffani, I know you're upset, but look at him...
TIFFANI : Fine. I'm listening.
JAKE : Thanks. Look, I had to go on that date, Tiff--I made a promise. It was for charity. I'm
       sorry I made you so mad, honey.
TIFFANI : YOU THINK I'M MAD?!!!
JAKE : Uh, maybe just a little?
TIFFANI : When we first got back together, you asked me not to hurt you. Well, what about
           me? Love is a two-way street, you know.
JAKE : Yeah, I know. We just jogged down it. Look, Tiff, I'm sorry. I should have blown off the
        other date.
TIFFANI : Oh, you are so clueless. I am not hurt because you two-timed me.
SLY : Why can't I get girls like that?
TIFFANI : I'm hurt because you didn't think I'd understand your commitment. And if you don't
           think you can tell me the truth, then that means you don't know me.
JAKE : That's not true. I, uh... just... I just... I didn't know that part of you. But I do now, and,
       so, I'll never do it again.
TIFFANI : You got that right, bucko.
JAKE : Tiff...
TONY : Hey, hey, you know what? You two are going through something that all couples go
        through, okay? But don't worry, there's a simple solution.
JAKE : What? You mean, like a relationship counselor?
TONY : No, we'll play a dating game!
SLY : Hellooo, Pacific Coast! Get set for the latest, greatest game show around. It's...
SLY : And here's our host, To-nee Winks!
TONY : Hey there, hi there, hello there. Let's get right to it. Here he is, all the way from
        outside... Jake Sommers.
TONY : Hey-ya. Jake. Okay, in a second I'm going to bring out the girls. So, what do you
        say? Will you be able to choose your girlfriend, or will you end up...
TONY : That's right!
JAKE : Picking Tiff'll be a piece of cake. There's nobody in the world like her.
TONY : Great! Well, here comes Girl number one. She's a blond who loves surfing.
JAKE : That's gotta be Tiffani.
TONY : Girl number two is a blond who loves surfing.
JAKE : Okay. So it's either one or two.
TONY : And girl number three is -- ooh, what a surprise -- a blond who loves surfing.
JAKE : Hoo-boy.
JAKE : Okay, girl number one, if you found a wallet full of money, would you take it?
TIFFANI : Absolutely not. It doesn't belong to me.
JAKE : That's Tiff -- nobody else is that honest. Girl number two?
IRIS : Oh, I'd take the wallet...
IRIS : ...And then I'd give it to the police.
JAKE : Oy. Girl number three?
SUSAN : I would do whatever it took to track down the owner--and then I'd give the reward
         money to homeless orphans.
TONY : Okay, Jake--last question.
TONY : Make it a good one.
JAKE : Alright... If you boyfriend was out of town, and Brad Pitt asked you out on a date,
       would you say "yes?"
TIFFANI/IRIS/SUSAN : Oh, no!
TONY : Well, that's all the time we have there, Jake. So, what's your decision gonna be? Is it
        gonna be Girl number one? Girl number two? Or girl number three?
JAKE : That's easy. It's Girl number one. No, no, three. No, no, two!
TONY : Come on, Jake. Having more than one is how you got here in the first place. Just pick
        one.
JAKE : This is dumb, man. You can't know a person just by asking a few stupid questions. You
       know them through experience.
JAKE : I know you, Tiffani. I know your stomach is tied in knots right now, because you hate
       playing games. I know your hurt because of what I did. But if you know me, you know
       how bad I feel about it and that I'd rather die than ever hurt you again.
JAKE : I guess I lost.
TIFFANI : Where you going?
JAKE : I don't know. But I do know that wherever it is, I'm not jogging there.
JAKE : I'm sorry, Tiff. I'm sorry I didn't give you credit for being able to accept the truth.
TIFFANI : I know. So, we just have some work to do.
JAKE : You mean, like getting to know each other better?
TIFFANI : No, like breaking our new record.
TONY : Wow, looks like we have a winner!

-THE END-