"Defending Sly's Life" / Friday - February 19, 1999

LORENA : All rise...
LORENA : For the honorable Jake Sommers.
JAKE : This court is now in session. Bring in the defendant.
JAKE : Sylvester Winkle, you stand before this court accused of being the most greedy, selfish,
       and all around creepy guy on earth. How do you plead?
SLY : Like this... Please let me go. I hate jail. It's cold, and I can't see my whole face in that
      tiny mirror.
TONY : I object!
JAKE : You can't object. He's your client.
TONY : Oh.
TIFFANI : Your Honor, I shall prove that Sly "The Ferret" Winkle, has a protracted chronology
           of perpetrating fraud on gullible females in order to secure romantic rendezvous.
ALL : Huh?!
TIFFANI : He cons girls to get dates.
ALL : Oh! Okay!
JAKE : Ms. Smith, would you please approach the beach?
TONY : Ha! Piece of cake. There's no way in the world the court is ever going to take her
        seriously.
JAKE : Love your glasses. Very hot.
TIFFANI : I'd like to all, as my first witness, Lorena Costa.
MARK : Do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth so help you god?
LORENA : Soitainly.
MARK : Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
TIFFANI : Ms. Costa, has the defendant ever deceived you?
LORENA : Oh, yes. I remember the time he pretended to share my love of fashion designing so
           I'd go out with him...
SLY : Le Ba-boom! I've been possessed by the spirit of the great French designers.
SAM : Well, I'll just go back to my room now... leave you alone to create with Christian Dork.
SAM : Arggghhh!
SLY : Ah... alone at last.
LORENA : What are you doing?
SLY : It's a tradition among the great designers to kiss their models for good luck.
LORENA : Don't you have something to show me, Sly?
SLY : Uh, uh, uh... Never unveil the masterpiece until the third kiss... French tradition.
LORENA : Never kiss the designer unless you like his work... Mexican tradition.
SLY : Well... if you insist. Voy-la!
LORENA : Oh, this is not. I love leopard skin!
TONY : Well, as far as I'm concerned, she should be on trial for having tacky taste. I defy you
        to name one other time.
TIFFANI : Alright, how about when he pretended to be a gentleman, or faked being sick, or
           acted like a surfer, or...?
TONY : I object! I said one other time.
JENNY : Well, I know exactly what my dream manh would be like...
JENNY : He's handsome and honest, loves French food, fine art and foreign films. And the first
         time I see him, he'll be wearing an Italian suit and a silk tie, and he'll say something
         incredibly romantic.
SLY : "Romantic..." I could do that.
TIFFANI : Sly, is that really you?
SLY : You're looking at the new, honest, sensitive, Sylvester Winkle.
SLY : It took me forever to find you, but now that I have I'll never let you go.
JENNY : What's going on? This is a joke, right?
SLY : I assure you, Jennifer, this is no joke. I've shed my cocoon of adolescence and spread
      wide my wings of manhood.
MATT : Oh, man.
SLY : I'll let you get back to practice. I just wanted to give you the flowers. Besides, I have to
      drive my mother's church group to the Museum of Fine Arts.
TONY : Why don't you check into a mental institution on the way there, Sylvester!
SAM : What can I get you, Sly?
SLY : Oh, I don't need anything but your company. And maybe a little shoulder rub.
SAM : Well, after all you've done for me, it's the least I can do.
SAM : And as soon as you get better, I'm going to take you up on that date, but let's forget
      dinner and skip right to that moonlit stroll on the beach. How's that sound?
SLY : Matt, forget the laundry. You can leave.
MATT : But I haven't finished folding yet.
SLY : Oh, oh. I feel another spasm coming on.
MATT : I'm going. I'm going.
SLY : Mmmmmm.
SLY : Dude, I'm sorry.
TIFFANI : Whoa. Sly with a board. I didn't know he liked surfing.
TONY : No, he doesn't. But he is a major fan of surf chicks. Unfortunately, they'd rather drown
        him than date him. So he came up with a plan: dress like a surf dude, attract surf
        chicks.
SLY : So, ah, which one of you lucky ladies wants to make some waves with Uncle Sly?
SURFER GIRL #1 : Wipe out!
TONY : I object! I object! I object! I find her whole line of questioning to be highly prejudicial
        to my client.
JAKE : Well, she is the prosecutor.
TONY : Judge's pet.
TIFFANI : Your Honor, the prosecution rests.
JAKE : Very well. We'll take a brief recess. When we reconvene, the defense may present its
       case... though I really don't see the point.
JAKE : Is the defense ready to present its case?
TONY : Watch this, Sly. I'm going to dazzle them with my legal-eagling. If it pleases the court I
        will now prove that my client is innocent. Now, he could not have robbed that
        convenience store. On the day in question he was--
JAKE : Uh, Counselor? Can I tell you a little secret? Come here. You know your client...?
TONY : Yes?
JAKE : HE'S NOT ON TRIAL FOR ROBBING A CONVENIENCE STORE!
TONY : Oh, right. Excuse me.
TONY : The defense now calls Mark Winkle to the stand.
LORENA : Promise not to lie?
MARK : Okey-dokey.
TONY : Hah, hah, hah. In your experience, is Sly Winkle the most selfish person on earth?
MARK : Well, maybe not the most selfish... but definitely the biggest liar...
SLY : In reserching our illustrious Winkle family tree, I discovered we come from a long line of
      liars.
LORENA : Who would have guessed?
SLY : First up, we have Giovanni Winklini. He was best known for probing that Michaelangelo
      painted the Sistine Chapel wearing a bikini.
JAKE : That's a lie.
SLY : You know it, baby. Like I said, Winkles are liars. next up, we have Pope Luigi Winklini.
LORENA : There was never any "Pope Winklini."
SLY : That's right. He just said that to impress a hot Sicilian babe. Much like my cousin Mark
      here who said we were related to Casanova just to get close to Judy.
MARK : I didn't say that. You said we were related to Casanova.
SLY : Hey, I'm a Winkle.
TONY : I'd like Mark Winkle to be treated as a hostile witness.
JAKE : Why?
TONY : The defense calls Samantha Woo.
LORENA : Do you?
SAM : I do.
TONY : Ms. Woo, can you testify as to Sly Winkle's character?
SAM : Whoa, mama, can I. He's greedy, stingy, power hungry, egotistical...
SLY : I say yo ba-ba. Yo ba-ba. Yo ba-ba boom boom boom.
LORENA : Hey, I didn't know ferrets could rap.
SLY : Hey, thanks. Now feast your eyes on the school radio station's new program director!
SAM : What did you do to the old program director, Sly? Bribe him?
SLY : Bribe? Nah. I didn't "bribe" anyone. I just gave him fifty bucks to go away. Heh-heh-heh.
JAKE : What's your game, Winkle? I mean, the radio station is there to give the students a
        voice. What do you have to say besides... "Heh-heh-heh?"
SLY : Just that I'll sell some of the advertising time and keep some of the money on the side
      as a... "finder's fee."
SAM : You imbecile. There's no advertising. The school station is funded by the school budget.
SLY : No money?
JAKE : Forget that. This is great opportunity. I mean, we could all have our own shows.
SAM : Oh...
LORENA : Hey, that's true...
SLY : No money?
JAKE : I'm psyched. I mean, I can finally make a difference. I can do a show about real issues.
       You know? No fluff, no gossip...
SLY : No money?!
MARK : Sly, relax. As program director you get to hire and fire people.
SLY : Power? I like it!
SLY : All right, Mr. Shahabadad. Let's exchange those plane tickets to the Grand Canyon.
MR. SHAHABADAD : No, no, no, I am so apologizing. No exchange tickets until we meet
                      famous rock starts. As you promised.
SLY : Alright. Well, get your cameras ready, because I'd like to introduce you and your family to
      the one, the only, Van Halen!
MR. SHAHABADAD : It is an honor to meet me, Mr. Van Halen.
MATT : It's a pleasure to meet you too, Sir.
TEENAGE SON : I saw you last Spring at the Ghandi Stadium in Calcutta. Even from the back
                  row, you were most awesome, dude!
TIFFANI : I can't believe they're actually buying this.
JENNY : We're going to get arrested and deported.
MR. SHAHABADAD : Mr. Sly, sir, would you please do us the extreme pleasure of snapping us
                      in a picture with Mr. Van Halen?
SLY : Sure, I'll snap you in a picture. Right this way.
MATT : Wait! Wait a second! I can't go through with this -- this whole thing's a lie.
TEENAGE SON : Holy Moley! Van Halen wears a wig!
TONY : At this time I'd like to call my final witness. Me.
TONY : Hey, I'm a lawyer. What, you think I'm going to lie?
TONY : Yeah, okay, okay, I swear.
TONY : Mr. Wicks, do you know the defendant? You mean that kind-hearted-never-kicked-a-
        puppy-grandma-hugger-- Just answer the question! Well, you didn't have to yell! Sly
        happens to be my best friend...
TONY : Well, we've got an awesome show for you today so let's just kick it off with a very
        cool new segment.
SLY : Oh, yeah, it's cooler than Frosty the Snowman's butt.
TONY : Mm-hm, it's the most ice-tea-chillin-anti-freeze-freezin-segment-that ever gave a
        couch potato frost bite.
SLY : Zing!
TONY : Chilly!
SLY : "Chilly?" What is that, something you stick on your hot dog?
TONY : Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? And what's "zing?" Short for "zingle" because no girl vill date you?
SLY : Oh, yeah?
TONY : Yeah! Yeah!
SLY : Why don't you stick to the--
SLY : Well, let's start off with the goo-gah-moo girl of the week. And to prove who the
      hottest girl is, I;ve got the Sly-mometer.
TONY : Oh, no, no, no... Oh, the new segment is the goo-ga-moo gladiators! Oh, check it out
        -- The Wicks Whomper!
SLY : Watch where you swing that thing!
TONY : You hit me in the head with that thing!
SLY : I didn't mean it.
TONY : You know you did.
SLY : It wasn't on purpose.
MR. CARVEY : Go to commercial. Go to commercial.
MR. CARVEY : Alright, listen up, boys. This show is only good if your friendship is good. So
               you either choke down those egos, or you bomb. Catch my drift?
SLY/TONY : Yeah.
STAGE MANAGER : And we're back in three, two...
JAKE : Order! Order in the court!
JAKE : Cool.
TONY : Ah, your Honor, I no longer believe my client is innocent. I want to help Tiffani.
JAKE : Great, we'll take another brief recess so, ah, Sly can prepare to... defend his own life.
JAKE : Before I pass sentence, I'd like to say that I've always believed a person innocent until
       proven guilty.
SLY : Hey, I thought you said I could defend myself?
JAKE : Oh, yeah. Go on, but I still think you're guilty as sin.
SLY : Look, I know I may have dissed people one or two... million times, but I have done some
      nice stuff. Mark, remember I almost get pounded trying to prove I was sorry for ruining
      your life?
SLY : Mark...
SLY : Please... don't go. Look, I know that after what I did, I have no right to talk to you. But
      it's imprtant that you hear what I have to say.
MARK : What?
SLY : I'm sorry.
MARK : That's it? You're sorry?
SLY : Yeah. So you forgive me?
MARK : You humiliated me in front of a thousand people, ruin my future in classical music,
        cause me to be terrified to even play chopsticks in front of anyone, and you expect
        forgiveness because you said you're sorry?
SLY : Not enough, huh?
SLY : Mark, I feel terrible. I'm sorry. What more can I say?
BILLY : Which one of you creeps messed up my girlfriend's party?
SLY : Don't go away, Mark. Heh-heh-heh. So, ah, you must be Sheila's boyfriend. Look, I'm
      really sorry about her party. But, ah, could you find it in your heart to firgive me... and
      my face?
BILLY : Maybe if you begged me like you begged him.
SLY : Hey, I already begged once today. I'm not going to... Okay. Please. Please don't hit me,
      I'm sorry.
BILLY : Mmmm, sorry. I thought it might work. I just don't care enough about you.
SLY : Hold that thought. Listen Mark? It doesn't really matter if you forgive me, or not, because
      I won't be able to forgive myself and I know it's my fault that the world won't to hear
      your music. And I'm really sorry for that. Go ahead. Get it over with.
MARK : Wait a second. Did you really mean that?
MARK : That's pretty cool, cuz. Thanks. And I guess I've been angry long enough. I forgive you.
MARK : Well... there was that.
SLY : And, Sam, remember when I was dating Allison?
SAM : Sure. You blew her off because she was blind and you were sfraid she would dance into
      a wall.
SLY : Ooh. Good memory. But didn't I end up doing the right thing?
ALLISON : Hello? Who's there?
SLY : It's the jerk with the fake corns.
ALLISON : What do you want?
SLY : Look, I know I screwed up, but I'd really like to take you to the dance.
ALLISON : I don't think so. I don't need a pity date.
SLY : A pity date?
ALLISON : "Oh, no, I hurt a poor little blind girl's feelings. Her life is already hard enough.
           I should take her dancing and bring her a little happiness." Well, I'm not into it.
           Goodnight.
SLY : Wait! I don't pity you. I think you're amazing. And, I know sometimes I can be a little
      shallow. Okay, I can be really shallow. Especially when I reject a girl I'm really into
      because I'm worried about how it'll look. Allison I really like you. Sight or no sight. And I
      don't care what anyone else thinks.
ALLISON : Um... would you mind saying that again while I touch your face. You're good. It's
           hard to hear if you're lying.
SLY : I said, I really like you and I don't care what anyone else thinks. So, will you come with
      me to the Romance Dance?
SLY : And, Tiffani, didn't I refuse to help you get steroids because I was afraid they were
      hurting you?
TONY : I object!
JAKE : On what grounds?
TONY : On the grounds that Sly is starting to make me like him again.
TIFFANI : Oh, no! I can't be out!
SLY : You lied to me.
TIFFANI : Sly, what are you doing here?
SLY : Come on, Tiff, I saw everything. You're still taking steroids.
TIFFANI : Well, I'm sorry, okay? I mean you see how they're helping me. And now I'm "this"
           close to making the National Team. The National Team, Sly. Do you know what that
           means?
SLY : Yeah, a lot. But none of it's gonna matter if you keep using. You're hurting yourself.
TIFFANI : Nothing's going to happen to me. I'm still the same old Tiffani, just stronger.
SLY : No, you're changing. Look at you. You're moody, you're irritable, you snap at your
      friends... Not to mention what those things can do to your body. You could die from that
      stuff.
TIFFANI : Yeah, well, I need you to get me some more.
SLY : What?! Didn't you hear what I said? You can die!
TIFFANI : Yeah, I heard you! Did you hear me? The final competition is this afternoon, and
           when I make it, I'm going to need more. This isn't a game, Sly!
SLY : No, it isn't. That's why I'm not going to help you.
TIFFANI : Fine! Then I'll get them myself.
SLY : Okay, I messed up a lot. But I never meant to hurt anyone. I just... love girls. I love
      money. And I love controlling people and making them do what I... I'm a bum, lock me
      up.
JAKE : Wait. Sly, in light of your testimony, it's clear that you're not a complete sleazeball, but
        it's also clear that you think you're more important than everybody else. Just remember
        it's okay to go after your dreams, but it's not okay to hurt people along the way.
SLY : I know that now.
JAKE : Good. Then, it is this court's opinion that on the charge of being the most selfish person
       on earth -- you are not-guilty.
JAKE : Case dismissed.

-THE END-