"Letters From Woo" / Friday - February 19, 1999

SAM : Alright guys, say hello to Uncls Tse Tse.
TONY : Hey, Uncle Tse Tse. Hey, check out my Chinese : Wo shi maoduode haozi!
SAM : Tony, where'd you learn that?
TONY : Tommy Chang in biology class. It means : "I am one bad dude."
SAM : No, it means: "I am one hairy reccoon dog."
JAKE : What's with the camera, Sam?
TIFFANI : Yeah, we're supposed to practice.
SAM : It'll have to wait. I need to send a video letter to Uncle Tse Tse in China right away.
      He's worried.
SLY : Yeha, I don't blame him. His niece is dating a raccoon dog.
SAM : No, Sly. He's worried about me being so far from family. He thinks there's no one here
      for me.
LORENA : Oh, that's silly. What about us?
SAM : That's what I want to show him with this video. That my friends here in America are like
      an extended family.
TONY : Hey, great, and I'll be the cameraman.
SLY : Yeah, right. Will somebody give raccoon dog a milkbone while I work the camera?
TONY : Over my dead body.
SAM : Alright! Alright, knock it off. It's my video -- it'll be done my way! Sly, you do
      camera!
SLY : I'm doing camera.
TONY : But, I'm your boyfriend.
SAM : Right, yes, and that's why I want you right here next to me.
TONY : Hey, you hear that, Sylvester? You can be cameraman all you want, I'm the the co-star.
SAM : Shut up, Tony.
TONY : Yes, dear.
SAM : Hi, Uncle Tse Tse. I know you're worried about me, but I do have some really great
      friends here. Of course, when I first arrived, I wasn't so sure about the guys...
SLY : Don't even think about it. You guys saw the way she was looking at me.
TONY : It was pity. She was looking at you cause you're pitiful. However, me she was looking
        at with... love.
SLY : You wanna make a bet?
TONY : Yeah, I'll bet you. I'll bet she kisses me before she even looks at your big-ole-chicken
        -liver-lips.
SLY : You're on!
MATT : Count me in.
SLY : How about you, Jake?
JAKE : Look, if I'm in, it's not a bet-it's just your money in my pocket.
JAKE : Alright, alright! I'll take your money. But just to make it fair I'll give you a twenty-
       four hour head start.
SLY : Boys, I am about to win this bet. You see, when Sam comes back, I'm gonna pretend to
      choke on a fry. She will give me mouth-to-mouth, and baboom, my wallet runneth over.
      Simple, huh?
MATT : Well, they say simple things come from simple minds.
SLY : Exactly.
SAM : Here you go. I got extra fries for everybody.
SAM : Oh, my gosh! Sly, are you okay? Are you choking? He's choking! Um, what do I do? Oh,
       oh, raise your arms!
SAM : Oh, now what? Uh, uh, jump up and down?
SAM : Sly's choking! Help!
TIFFANI : Sly, are you okay?
SLY : Never better.
SAM : Wow, Tiffani, you were great. Lucky for you she came along, huh Sly?
SLY : Lucky me.
TONY : Okay, so we kind of got off to a rocky start. But we did make it up to you.
SLY : That's right. We proved we really understood how girls feel when they're treated like
      objects.
JAKE : Unfortunately, we had to prove it the hard way...
TONY : Hey, I'm not going through with this unless we all do it. Where's Jake?
SAM : Oh, that's right. Come on... Jakie.
JAKE : Ah, the memorise.
TONY : You know, I just realrized won the bet. Me. I won Sam's first kiss and her heart. Didn't
        I, Sam?
SAM : Yeah, but it took a computer to get us together. And even then it wasn't so easy.
MARK : Hey, how was the triple blind date?
TONY : She was crazy! First, she stands me up. Then, when I go on-line to find out what
        happened, she's mad at me for standing her up. Can you believe that?
SAM : Whoa, Twilight Zone! My date tried to convince me I stood him up!
TONY : See, that's too weird! I told her: "I said, look here, I know I'm the stood-upee, not the
        stood-uper! So you can forget all about me, Hot Mama!"
SAM : "Hot Mama?" But, I'm "Hot..."
SAM : Smooth Operator?
TONY : Oh, boy?
JAKE : You were each other's blind dates and you didn't even know it?
TONY : Could one of you guys help me with my tie? I can't get it.
MARK : Sorry, Tony. Clip-on city.
SAM : I'll do it. I used to tie my father's tie all the time.
TONY : Uh... thanks, Sam. But I think I can figure this one out.
SAM : Uh, sure, suit yourself.
TONY : Alright.
SLY : You guys tick me off. You're here. You're together. You obviously like each other, but you
      won't go for it because you're worried about what we think. What do you care?
SAM : I'm game if you are.
TONY : Oh, yeah.
TONY : Excuse me. But, this is a private moment.
SAM : Boy, I remember that like it was yesterday.
TONY : Yeah, and I say we remember it more. In person.
SAM : Oh, no!
TONY : What? I brushed! I brushed!
SAM : No, Tony, the camera. I can't send Uncle Tse Tse a tape of us kissing.
SLY : Ah, relax, I never hit the record button in the first place.
TIFFANI : You mean, that you missed everything?
SLY : Hey, haven't you heard of a little thing called "rehearsal?"
JAKE : Give me that, Winkle, or I'll sic Raccoon Dog on you.
TIFFANI : Come on, guys. Just because Sly messed up and didn't record us? He's still a friend
           and deserves some slack.
MARK : Oh, yeah? Name one nice thing he's done for any of us.
TIFFANI : Well, that's easy. You're on your own, Sleaze Boy.
SAM : Wait, I know! What about the time Sly convinced Tony to get that operation he needed?
TIFFANI : Oh, yeah that was sweet...
JAKE : Remember when I wrecked my bike? I mean the hardest thing in the world for me to do
       was get back on and ride again.
TONY : Look, look, look, I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but what happened to you
        guys and me being cut open isn't the same. So, thanks, but no thanks.
SLY : Tony, don't be an idiot! You have to have that surgery.
TONY : Hey, watch who you're calling an idiot, alright, cause I could sue you!
SLY : I know, and I don't care. I'd rather be sued by you and lose all my money than have my
      best friend end up crippled for the rest of his life. Come on man, let's go back to the
      hospital.
TONY : Alright, I'll go.
JAKE : Wait a minute, since when do you let Sly tell you what to do?
TONY : Since Sly risked losing all his money. Now that's facing your fear.
SLY : See? I am capable of being a good friend.
MARK : Sure. And I've got two words for you, cuz: "Hi ho, Silver."
SLY : You had to bring that one up, huh?
SAM : Oh yeah. He's the reason why Mark wouldn't join the Dreams at first.
SLY : I swear, Jake! Lots of people hate me -- I don't know why.
JAKE : I just want to know why we lost out on the most talented musician I've ever seen.
SLY : Or what? You can't even move.
TONY : You better answer him, Sly, or we're going to let go one-by-one. It's like there's a
        rope with an anvil over your head, and it's tearing -- one strand at a time.
SLY : I can't believe Mark even remembers.
SLY : Okay, the New York Gazette called it "The Carnegie Hall Incident." Yeah.
SLY : Okay, five years ago Mark was playing a piano recital at Carnegie Hall. If it had gone
      well he could have been famous.
TONY : Less detail -- more story. My grip is starting to go.
SLY : Okay, he was playing the "William Tell Overture." You know : Anyway, in the middle of
      it, I kind of yelled "Hi Yo Silver."
TONY : What?! You heckled the man in Carnegie Hall?!! Oh, man, you can't be doing that. Man,
        that's wrong. See now, I've got to deck you.
JAKE : And let's not forget what happened when we tried to help Mark get over his stage fright
       by reenacting the recital.
LORENA : Yeah. All Sly had to do was keep his big mouth shut.
SLY : Hi-hi-hi-hi-yo-Silver!!! Hi Yo Silver, and away!
SLY : Well, I thought it was funny.
MARK : Yeah. I suppose so. I mean, you did finally help me get over my stage fright.
SAM : This is great. It's what being friends is all about. Being able to laugh with each other,
       even after crazy things like that happen.
TIFFANI : Yeah, and we've definitely done a lot of crazy stuff together...
TONY : Welcome to "Romeo Wicks and the Five Juliets." I hope you enjoy the show.
TONY : What are you guys doing here?
MARK : Dancing.
SLY : For the critic.
TONY : For the... For the... Noooooo!

(MUSIC CUE
SAM/TIFFANI : DUH DUH DUH DUH
       HAPPY ANNIVERSARY
    DUH DUH DUH DUH
    YOUR GIRLFRIEND SURE IS APE FOR YOU!
    DUH DUH DUH DUH
    HAPPY ANNIVERSARY
    DUH DUH DUH DUH
    OO-HOO, OO-HOO, OO-HOO, HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO, HOO-HOO, HOO!)

TONY : Sly, these are totally ridiculous costumes. What were you thinking?
SLY : Hey, I tried to get something less flashy, but they were all out of Power Ranger suits.
TONY : Ooh! Ooh! There they are! Alright, now follow me and try not to stand out.
JAKE : En garde!
GANG : YOU CAPTURED MY HEART, AND NOW MY HEART BELONGS TO YOU.
GANG : YOU CAPTURED ME HEART, RIGHT FROM THE START, YOU CAPTURED ME
        HEART AND NOW ME HEART BELONGS TO YOU! ONLY YOU!
TONY : Oh. You mean those crazy things.
SAM : You see, Uncle Tse Tse? I really do have great friends here.
LORENA : You mean you used to. You used my tape, Sam, and you probably erased everything
           that was on it. Some friend you are.
TIFFANI : Take it easy, Lorena. What was on that tape that could be so important?
LORENA : Last night's "Home Shopping Network." I was out and I didn't want to miss it. You
           never know when they're going to have a special on topaz belly-button plugs. Well,
           I have everything else.
TIFFANI : Some friend you are.
LORENA : My "Home Shopping" video! How could you just tape over it like that? I can't believe
           you! It's mine!
TIFFANI : Lorena, chill out. Good friends know when to let things go.
TONY : That's right. Once the point is made, it's not nice to keep carrying on and on about it.
        Cause all it does is make you look like a yakity-yakkin-hyper-tongued-lip-flappin-
        blabber mouth that doesn't know when to stop.
TIFFANI : Good thing you're not like that.
TONY : Don't confuse talking too much with style.
LORENA : Okay, maybe I overreacted. But that doesn't mean I'm not a good friend.
JAKE : Of course it doesn't. Why don't you tell Uncle Tse Tse about the time you tried to help
       me quit smoking?
LORENA : Well, I tried hard to help Jake quit. We all did.
JAKE : Okay, okay, so it isn't that easy! Give me those cigarettes.
LORENA : Jake! Jake! Jake! Get a hold of yourself! Good, okay. Now, I have another idea that'll
           be a lot more pleasant.
JAKE : Pleasant? Pleasant?! Jamming a chop stick up my nose would be more pleasant than
       this!!!
LORENA : Okay. Now don't panic. It says in that pamphlet that when the urge gets real bad,
           you should use chewing gum as a substitute.
JAKE : Gum, huh?
LORENA : Hang in there, Jake, you're doing great.
JAKE : Ah munh ah meegeresh.
LORENA : What?
JAKE : Ah munh ah meegeresh!
LORENA : What did he say?
SAM : He said: "Ah munh ah meegeresh!"
MARK : I think he asked for sugarless.
JAKE : Mo! I said : I WANT A CIGARETTE!
SAM : Nope, you definitely said: "Ah munh ah meegeresh."
JAKE : Man, that was rough. But you guys were great.
LORENA : That's what friends are for. We can count on each other.
SLY : That's right. Even when it comes to money. Remember how we survived that bogus
      treasure hunt Jake and Lorena set-up?
TIFFANI : Yeah, but it was a close call.
SAM : Okay. Everybody look carefully and spread out.
SLY : Hey, no one try anything funny.
SAM : Okay. I know, The Brady Bunch did an episode like this. And Marcia found the money...
       under a park bench!
SAM : Stupid show
SLY : Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money.
TIFFANI : This is awful. If we keep being so greedy, we won't be friends much longer... Then
           again, five million bucks could buy lots of new friends!
TONY : What was that?! Oh, just Tiffani. Man, I've got to relax. Deep breaths. I am cool. I am
        calm. I am...
SLY : Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money.
MARK : Look at Tiffani. I hope she finds it. What am I saying?! I've got to be more sneaky,
        more underhanded...
SLY : Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money.
MARK : More like a Winkle!
SLY/MARK : Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money.
SLY/MARK : Got it!
SLY : I found it first. Let go!
TIFFANI : STOP IT!
TIFFANI : Lather!
SAM : One more step, Smith and you'll be sleeping with the fishes. Capiche?
TONY : Give me this. "Where lessons are learned like English Lit, this last riddle's in a place
        you sit."
GANG : School.
SAM : Okay, school's locked up until morning. So there's no sense in going now.
SLY : She's right. So tomorrow morning, let's meet at school, solve the final riddle. And I never
      want to talk to you money-grubbing scumbuckets again.
TIFFANI : Wow... You think you know who your friends are, until money gets involved.
TONY : Not exactly one of our finer moments.
MARK : Yeah, it's amazing our friendships survived that.
TIFFANI : No it's not. It just proves that our friendships are strong. We always manage to make
           it through the tough times.
SAM : And most of all, we're always there for each other when it really counts. I'll never forget
      how you guys helped me when I was homesick. I knew then that you were special...
SLY : Shhh! Hey, hey, she's coming!
GANG : Gong hay fat choy!
JAKE : Happy New Year, Sam. We figured if we couldn;t send you to China, we could at least
       bring China to you.
SAM : Oh, wow. I don't know what to say... I'm speechless.
TONY : Now there's a first.
SAM : I mean it, this is great. You got everything right. The red welcome signs, the traditional
      masks, the little moon cakes... of course at home, we'd have fireworks...
TONY : I thought you said you were speechless.
SAM : Thanks, guys. There;s nothing you could add that would make it better.
TIFFANI : Want to bet?
SAM : Mom? Poppa?
SAM : I don't believe it! How did you get here?
MATT : Simple. Just because flights to Hong Kong were full, doesn't mean flights from Hong
        Kong were full.
SAM : Oh, you guys are the best. When I first came here, I was hoping I'd make a few friends.
      But it turns out I did even better than that. I found another family.
SAM : So you see, Uncle Tse Tse, I'm not lonely. With friends like this, I have plenty of
      people to call on for anything I need. In fact, they're almost like family.
TONY : Cime on, guys, group hug, huh?
SAM : Like I said, your li8ttle Sam's doing just fine.

-THE END-