He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.
--Samuel Butler

He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
--Ann Richards

He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong.
--Benjamin Disraeli

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
--Victor Borge

He was humane but not human.
--e e Cummings (about Ezra Pound)

He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.
--William Faulkner

He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them.
--Charles Kingsley

He was so crooked, you could have used his spine for a safety-pin.
--Dorothy L. Sayers

He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
--Molly Irvins

He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
--Fred Allen

He was trying to save both his faces.
--John Gunther

He writes his plays for the ages--the ages between five and twelve.
--George Nathan (about George Bernard Shaw)

He'd make a lovely corpse.
--Charles Dickens

He's a full-fledged housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices.
--Gore Vidal (about Truman Capote)

Her body has gone to her head.
--Barbara Stanwyck (about Marilyn Monroe)

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
--Woody Allen

Her only flair is in her nostrils.
--Pauline Kael

Her skin was white as leprosy.
--S. T. Coleridge

Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed.
--Ralph Novak

His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.
--Howard Hughes ( about Clark Gable)

His face was filled with broken commandments.
--John Masefield

His features resembled a fossilized wash rag.
--Alan Brien

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
--Robin Williams

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere.
--Mark Twain

His ignorance is encyclopedic.
--Abba Eban

His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it.
--F. H. Bradley

His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it.
--Heywood Braun

His mind was like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it could hold a small amount of nearly anything, but the slightest jarring spilled the soup into somebody's lap.
--Irving Stone (about William Jennings Bryan)

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
--Mae West

His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin.
--John Philpot Curran

His style has the desperate jauntiness of an orchestra fiddling away for dear life on a sinking ship.
--Edmund Wilson (about Evelyn Waugh)

His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with.
--Charles Lamb

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
--Woody Allen

I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
--Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
--Groucho Marx

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
--Irvin S. Cobb

I am reading Henry James...and feel myself as one entombed in a block of smooth amber.
--Virginia Woolf

I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
--Steven Pearl

I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
--Mark Twain

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
--Mark Twain

I didn't know her well, but after watching her in action I didn't want to know her well.
--Joan Crawford

I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.
--Oscar Wilde

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
--Stephen Bishop

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.
--Walter Matthau

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
--Clarence Darrow

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
--Fred Allen

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
--Groucho Marx

I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion.
--Robert Louis Stevenson

I treasure every moment that I do not see her.
--Oscar Levant

I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
--Ashleigh Brilliant

I will always love the false image I had of you.
--Ashleigh Brilliant

I wish I'd known you when you were alive.
--Leonard Louis Levinson

I worship the quicksand he walks in.
--Art Buchwald

I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland.
--Eugene McCarthy

If he were any dumber, he'd be a tree.
--Barry Goldwater

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.
--Joan Rivers

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
--Charles Pierce

In her last days, she resembled a spoiled pear.
--Gore Vidal (about Gertrude Stein)

In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.
--Ellen Glascow

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
--Charles, Count Talleyrand

Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
--Dr. Gonzo

It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.
--Jeff Foxworthy

Like the little man on top of the wedding cake.
--Harold Ickes

Little things affect little minds.
--Benjamin Disraeli

Mind is so open that the wind whistles through it.
--Heywood Braun

Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write.
--A. E. Housman

Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache.
--Alan Bennett

Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.
--Alice Roosevelt Longworth (about Douglas MacArthur)

Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world.
--Van Jacobson

No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers.
--Rob Wagner

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a dirty little beast.
--W. S. Gilbert

No woman of our time has gone further with less mental equipment.
--Clifton Fadiman

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
--Oscar Wilde

Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid.
--Heinrich Heine

Please try not to be such a wiener-head.
--Dave Barry

Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life.
--Ivy Compton-Burnett

Shakespeare never has six lines together without a fault.
--Samuel Johnson

Sharp as a sack full of wet mice.
--Foghorn Leghorn

She's a vacuum with nipples.
--Otto Preminger (about Marilyn Monroe)

She's been on more laps than a napkin.
--Walter Winchell

She's descended from a long line her mother listened to.
--Gypsy Rose Lee

She's good, being gone.
--William Shakespeare

She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.
--John Cantu

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.
--Joan Rivers

She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong.
--Mae West

She's the sort of woman who lives for others -- you can tell the others by their hunted expression.
--C. S. Lewis

She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.
--Ada Leverson

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
--Groucho Marx