She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit.
--W. Somerset Maugham

She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache.
--Noel Coward

She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day.
--Cecil Beaton (about Katherine Hepburn)

She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.
--Robertson Davies

She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese.
--Billy Wilder (about Marilyn Monroe)

She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age.
--Oscar Levant

She is a peacock in everything but beauty.
--Oscar Wilde

She is a water bug on the surface of life.
--Gloria Steinem

She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - or anywhere else.
--Elsa Lanchester

She looked like a huge ball of fur on two well-developed legs.
--Nancy Mitford

She looks like she combs her hair with an eggbeater.
--Louella Parsons

She looks like something that would eat its young.
--Dorothy Parker

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.
--Jean Webster

She never was really charming till she died.
--Terence

She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.
--Michael Arlen

She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it.
--Bob Fosse

She preserved to the age of fifty-six that contempt for ideas which is normal among boys and girls of fifteen.
--Odell Shepherd (about Louisa May Alcott)

She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends.
--Harold Nicholson

She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B.
--Dorothy Parker (about Katherine Hepburn)

She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin.
--Heinrich Heine

She should get a divorce and settle down.
--Jack Paar

She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig.
--Margot Asquith

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.
--Margot Asquith

She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered.
--James Matthew Barrie

She was a master at making nothing happen very slowly.
--Clifton Fadiman

She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers.
--Alexander Woollcott

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.
--Saul Bellow

She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.
-- Jonathan Swift

So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.
--Alan Bennett

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
--Oscar Wilde

Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
--Tobias George Smolett

Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.
--Kin Hubbard

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
--Joseph Heller "Catch-22"

Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
--William Dean Howells

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
--Ashleigh Brilliant

Stay with me; I want to be alone.
--Joey Adams

Teflon brain (nothing sticks.)
--Lily Tomlin

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
--- Moses Hadas

That's not writing, that's typing.
--Truman Capote

That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.
--Douglas Adams

The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.
--Jackie Gleason

The cruelest thing that has happened to Lincoln since he was shot by Booth was to fall into the hands of Carl Sandburg.
--Edmund Wilson

The finest woman that ever walked the streets.
--Mae West

The gods too are fond of a joke.
--Aristotle

The greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread.
--William Keegan

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.
--Joseph Stilwell

The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes.
--William Shakespeare

The triumph of sugar over diabetes.
--George Jean Nathan

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
--George Bernard Shaw

The youthful sparkle in his eyes is caused by his contact lenses, which he keeps highly polished.
--Sheila Graham (about Ronald Reagan)

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
--Jack E. Leonard

There but for the grace of God, goes God.
--Winston Churchill

There goes the famous good time that was had by all.
--Bette Davis

They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.
--Hunter S. Thompson

Thou lumpish earth-vexing fustilarian.
--William Shakespeare

Thou mammering half-faced measle.
--William Shakespeare

Timid? As timid as a buzzsaw.
--George Ells (about Hedda Hopper)

To err is Truman.
--A popular joke in 1946

To those she did not like . . . she was a stiletto made of sugar.
--John Mason Brown (about Dorothy Parker)

Useless as a pulled tooth.
--Mary Roberts Rinehart

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
--Mark Twain

We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
--Ashleigh Brilliant

Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in the wind.
--John Ehrlichman

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
--Fred Allen

What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!
--from Murphy Brown

What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank.
--Liberace

When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry - for the clothes.
--Josh Billings

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
--David Letterman

While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.
--James Thurber

While you remain at home your hair is at the hairdresser's; you take out your teeth at night and sleep tucked away in a hundred cosmetics boxes - even your face does not sleep with you.
--Martial, 1st Century AD (to a female friend)

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
--Milton Berle

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
--P. G. Wodehouse

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
--Groucho Marx

Why, this fellow don't know any more about politics than a pig knows about Sunday.
--Harry S Truman (about Dwight D. Eisenhower)

Writers are interesting people, but often mean and petty.
--Lillian Hellman

You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
--Jim Samuels

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
--Wilson Mizner

You're a parasite for sore eyes.
--Gregory Ratoff

You are so pure in mind and heart, / In aspect, too, so mild, / I wonder that you ever could / Implant your wife with child.
--Martial

You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation.
--Irvin S. Cobb

You had to stand in line to hate him.
--Hedda Hopper

You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you.
--Norm Papernick

You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
--Aristophanes

You have delighted us long enough.
--Jane Austen

You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving.
--David Letterman

You really have to get to know him to dislike him.
--James T. Patterson (about Thomas Dewey)

You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin.
--Joe Orton

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
--Groucho Marx

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.
--Frederic Raphael

A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.

Alone: In bad company

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.

He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.

I'd like to give you a going-away present...but you have to do your part.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter but now I see you are not worth it!

I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.

I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening

I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.

If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!

Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.

Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?

Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.

The going got weird and he turned pro.

The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.

We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.

Definition of Windows 95
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't take 1 bit of competition.

There's apparently a new book out called something like "Maledicta" devoted to the nasty things people in various cultures say about each other. My favorite, gleaned from a review of it: "A curse on you, and may the curse be that you remain what you are."

Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.
--Jonathan Swift