Misc Sayings/Aphorisms/Jokes? II

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -- Sigmund Freud

Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work. -- Clive Barker, "Jihad"

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson

It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge. -- Voltaire

Ignorance is the notion that the non-eternal, the impure, the evil, and that which is not soul are, severally, eternal, pure, good, and soul. Patanjali [Yoga Aphorisms of Patanjali]

Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain

Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace. -- From "A Woman's Worth" by Marianne Williamson

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. -- Woody Allen, on the KKK

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. -- P.J. O'Rourke

Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of.  It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either. -- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in _Life In Hell_    by Matt Groening

G M: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children? S: Yes, thirteen. G M: Thirteen!  Good lord, isn't that a burden? S: Well, I love my husband. G M: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while. -- Groucho Marx, on _You Bet Your Life_

I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable. -- Ogden Nash

Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea):  For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.

G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. -- Plutarch

There are only two means by which men can deal with one another: guns or logic. Force or persuasion. Those who know that they cannot win by means of logic, have always resorted to guns. -- Ayn Rand

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover

Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands.  Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.

  And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"   They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."   And Jesus replied, "What?"

In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class.  Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".  Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones