Misc Sayings/Aphorisms/Jokes? III

I find television very educating.  Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

My mother loved children---she would have given anything if I had been one. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. -- Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to failure.

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. -- H. L. Mencken

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. -- H. L. Mencken

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

There are a billion people in China.  It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people.  Think of it.  More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you. -- A. Whitney Brown, _The Big Picture_

Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages.

Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess:  "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison." Winston Churchill:  "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it."

When I die, I'd like to go peacefully, in my sleep; like my grandfather. Not screaming; like the passengers in his car.

Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds. -- Albert Einstein

It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. -- Albert Einstein

Mankind faces a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly. -- Woody Allen

In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a short story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery.  One student allegedly handed in the following story: "My god!" cried the duchess.  "I'm pregnant.  Who did it?"

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

Whatever happens to you, it will have previously happened to everyone you know, only more so.

Happiness: The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so you better get used to it.

Be different: Conform.

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.

If the odds are a million to one against something occuring, chances are 50-50 it will.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. -- H. L. Mencken

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. -- Albert Einstein

Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily -- William of Occam (1285-1349) [Occam's Razor]

for the more limited, if adequate, is always preferable'. -- Aristotle (Physics; Book I, Chapter VI)

Did you hear about the dislexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold dear. -- Daniel Dennett

....an animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension. -- Roger M. Knutson, in "Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide to Common Animals of Roads, Streets,and Highways"

Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else. -- Bruce Cockburn

Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to hear them. Sometimes they just happen to be on the ground when you see them again.

Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.

Two behaviorists meet in the morning and one says to the other, "You're fine.  How am I?"

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.