But, Lord, I'm A Southern Baptist

Desperation

The following Monday night, February 3, I again went to Bolivar. I had written a note to Pastor Ken Robinson in which I explained that I had received the interpretation of the "tongue" given on my previous visit. I included the interpretation in the note. I also wrote that I had been disobedient and was now making a commitment to be obedient to whatever God wanted to do in my life. Prior to the service, I slipped the note to Pastor Ken. He was talking to someone, but took the note with a smile and stuck it in his Bible. I thought that would be the end of it.

In yet another twist of irony and divine providence, Brother Wayne Neal spoke that night about growing cold and dead in the ministry. He related his own experiences about growing cold, getting distracted, and having to beg God to anoint him on Sundays, even though he had not spent time in prayer during the week. He shared that he had been suffering and had the feeling of being totally defeated in the ministry. He spoke my life as if he were reading it from my heart.

I had come to church that night with desperation in my soul, and it intensified as the service moved along. Brother Wayne spoke of the Lord�s refreshing and renewing that had come upon him and his ministry, and I prayed, "LORD, I�M NOT LEAVING THIS BUILDING TONIGHT UNTIL YOU DO FOR ME WHAT YOU DID FOR THIS EVANGELIST. I�M NOT LEAVING UNTIL SOMETHING CHANGES IN MY LIFE."

In my mind, one of two things was going to happen: either God was going to change me, or I was done with the ministry. It had all come down to this. I was in the 34th day of my fast, and I felt that it was now or never. My plans were to resign from my church on February 9, the last day of my fast. In fact, as I listened to Brother Wayne tell his story of growing dead in the ministry, I began to plan my last service at Pythian Avenue.

But then I was reminded of how God had grabbed my attention by giving me the interpretation of tongues. So I decided I was going to give Him one more chance to renew my heart and keep me in the ministry.

As the service drew to a close, I told myself, "I�M GOING TO THAT ALTAR AND I�M BEGGING GOD TO DO WHATEVER HE HAS TO DO."

When the invitation was given, I RAN to the altar, pressed my way to the front and stood, waiting. I looked at the ceiling and told God, "HERE I AM. I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO TURN. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LEFT. YOU�RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN FILL THIS EMPTINESS IN MY SOUL."

A visiting pastor, Brother Larry Meeks, from Calvary Temple Assembly of God in Springfield, Missouri, who was part of the prayer team that night, put his hand on my chest and said a quick prayer for me. As his hand touched my chest, it felt as though I�d been struck by lightning. A surge of electricity flowed through his hand and into my body. It even made the hair on the back of my neck stand up! Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I�d never even HEARD of anything like this.

I�d had emotional experiences with God before, but this was a PHYSICAL thing. I felt like I was going to fall, so I quickly stiffened my legs. Pastor Meeks walked away. As he walked away, I was left wondering, "WAS THAT IT! IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT? IS THIS WHAT I�VE BEEN WAITING FOR?" Before long, however, my mind went back to the pain in my heart. I was reminded of the dryness and the lack of power that had thrust me into this state of desperation. I began to weep and sob uncontrollably. Eventually, the tears stopped. Nothing had happened to me.

In complete defeat, I started to return to my seat. Pastor Robinson approached me, stuck his finger in my face, and said, in a stern, yet loving tone, "You told me in your note that you wanted to be obedient to God. You�re not being obedient, are you?"

His question was confusing for me because I didn�t know what "being obedient" was. I thought, "I WENT FORWARD, DIDN�T I? WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO DO?"

What I didn�t know was that all heaven was about to break loose!