But, Lord, I'm A Southern Baptist

Fasting

I came home from that third revival with a heavy heart. I had decided to leave the ministry. I just couldn�t deal with people on a spiritual level anymore. I would go into counseling, where I only had to deal with people on an intellectual level.

Satan was really beating me up. On one side was my sin, and on the other side was the gnawing truth that I did not have the anointing I had read about in the lives of the apostles or that I had heard about from Bob and Shirley.

I WANTED that anointing. But I had no idea HOW to get it or where to TURN to get it. I couldn�t talk to my friends, because I felt that they wouldn�t understand. I couldn�t even talk to Melissa about it. She knew that I was unhappy, but she really didn�t know why.

While still pastoring Pythian Avenue, I began searching for another job. I interviewed at several places for various positions. I didn�t care where I went or what I did, just as long as it didn�t involve pastoring�construction, clerical, manual labor�it didn�t matter to me. I was desperate for a change. But no one called me back. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn�t find a job.

While I continued to look for work, someone gave me an audio tape of a sermon that had been recorded at the Southern Baptist Convention in June of �96. In the sermon, the preacher, Pastor Ronnie Floyd, challenged all Southern Baptists to actively seek spiritual renewal by fasting and praying. He shared about His own experience of fasting for 40 days, and how God had visited him.

By this time, I was desperate for spiritual renewal. I was willing to do anything to touch God, so I believe with all my heart that He guided this tape into my hands to tell me to fast. This was the first time that God had given me any kind of direction in a long time. For several months He had been silent. My prayers were getting nowhere and I was hearing nothing. But on a December day, God called me to fast.

I started my 40-day fast on January 1, 1997. It was hard for a few days, but I soon grew accustomed to my liquid-only diet. I was in so much spiritual pain, I don�t think I ever noticed any physical pain. Through the Christmas season I had become angry. Not really angry at God, but just angry. I knew that I was in need, but I didn�t know how to get what I needed. I began to take that anger out on those around me.

The church became a nightmare for me. I didn�t want to be a pastor anymore. My distaste for the church was growing. As I started this 40-day fast I prayed, "GOD, IF YOU DON�T SPEAK TO ME DURING THIS FAST, IF YOU DON�T IGNITE A FIRE IN ME, IF YOU DON�T FILL THIS EMPTINESS IN MY HEART, THEN THIS IS IT. I�M DONE WITH THE MINISTRY." I wasn�t giving God an ultimatum; that wasn�t my intention at all. I just felt like I didn�t have any choice. God had to speak to me, or I was finished. That�s all there was to it.