Come here Go away

( This poem describes how I - the birthmother
felt with the aftermath of empty arms. )


I am the child. I am the one who is crying.
I am the child, the one who is trying to come out.
Let me tell you how much I need you.
I am so lost deep within this woman.
Please help me to live, I am dying.
Can you see me? Can you hear me?
Someone please come lose and listen.
It is so dark and scary in here.
I can not come into the light by myself.
When I try, I am laughed at, slapped, rejected or punished.
I stay inside and let no one close.
Years ago when I was very small,
I think I laughed, I think I smiled, I think I felt joy.
I can not remember - except for the pain.
I looked at the trees, the sky, and the birds
I often asked why.
No one was listening. No one answered.
Why doesn't Daddy hug me?
He's too busy or tired.
I just want to sit in HIS lap.
I'm confused.
The other girls hug their Daddies.
Something is wrong with me.
I'm bad. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm in the way.
What's a daddy's girl anyway?
What's it like to be held, be squeezed, to feel safe?
Someone listen, Someone hear.
She looks into the mirror and sees nobody.
She wants to cry, but the tears are frozen.
No one has time to hear. WHY?
The pain is always in here, how do you let them see it?
The laugher is dead, the silence is loud.
The fear everywhere, there is no path.
Circles, big circles, no way out.
I can't see an ending. The beginning is clouded.
It's so dark. It's cold. I'm scared.
What's love anyway? Is it supposed to hurt?
Are there arms to hold me?
Is there understanding?
My tears frighten them. They walk away.
Help me to understand. I want to love.
Promises are never kept, smiles are all plastic.
God! I want to trust you, tell me How!
Will you love me and then go away too?
Dark shadows something is there - I cant see what.
Is it my past? Is it my future?
It can't be now - Now isn't real.
I need you - I want you - come close - no go away.
Good news scares me. It is not true. It won't last.
The pain is always close.
Don't give me gifts - you'll take them away.
Who am I anyway?
Am I what my mother says? Or what my Father doesn't say.
Love is not free, everything is priced - I see my soul
How do I touch them? How do they reach me?
Feel; tell the truth, only to be rejected.
Food is my friend - it feels warm - I'm safe - I hate how I look.
I eat more, they laugh, I cry, I hide.
Sorrow, sickness, punishment, and pains.
The games - all the games, I'm loosing.
What are the rules?
Is there someone to whisper "I love you?"
It's a lie anyway.
Lonely, so lonely. Am I condemned forever?
God, I am so afraid of you. Are you the one who will save me?
Will I let you?
The torture inside me - like busted glass.
It explodes, it cuts, and I bleed.
I run to men to find comfort. I must pay for the time.
Sex, an object, now you'll love me, won't you?
Look what I have given.
When it is over, I am empty. I feel dead.
I want to throw-up, the anger will leave.
I'll feel peace, I am quiet.
I eat, use drugs, and drink, flush the guilt and shame away.
Dreams, what are they? A wife, a Mother, a friend.
Am I capable to change, to love to be loved?
Questions, Questions, who has the answers?
Second in line for everything.
Something new? Where?
I'm lost. I'm scared.
Left overs - I stand-alone.
I don't want fame or money, I need acceptance.
God, where am I hidden? I can't find me.
I'm so angry. How do I tell them? Is it wrong to be angry?
Other's tell me how I think, how I feel. What to do? It's not me - it's them.
I'll stay numb. That doesn't bother anyone.
My thoughts race. I can't slow them down.
Rules to follow. Rules to obey. They are never the same.
Double messages. Where is the truth? I want to live. HOW?????


---Ginger, 1980