A BIRTHMOM'S QUESTIONS, A MOTHER'S TEARS

Where, oh where, is the daughter I long to hold so near?
Oh, how I wonder, I wonder everyday,
And why did no one tell me, how much I would pay?
I resisted their urgings as much as I could,
They told me I would be selfish, to NOT let you go,
Trying all the time, not to let my pain show.
I cry, and cry, and I cry, some more,
As I look at the picture THEY told me not to take,
Remembering, THEY said, it was best, for my baby's sake.
Are you happy, are you healthy?
These questions I ask myself in silent prayer,
Everyday as I light a candle and hope somehow, you know that I care.
I light my candle...
And as I stare at the flame,
I wonder if these feelings I ever will tame.
I feel my heart beating...and waiting,
Waiting to become whole.
I wonder, will I ever be able to carry the toll?
I ask myself if I have the strength to endure,
Will I be able to take another year,
Another year, without my first born near?
Each year becomes harder,
So many thoughts constantly running through my mind,
Will I have the strength to handle, whatever it is I may find?
I surely must find this strength from within.
I must, I must, silently, be strong,
Or else I would not have been able to hold on for so long.
I remind myself to enjoy some little thing in life,
A small but very precious thing,
That sometimes only LOVE can bring.
And as I watch my young son,
My daughter's brother,
I can't help but wonder, will I ever see them together?
Don't we all have the RIGHT to know one another?
Oh, how I wonder, I wonder everyday,
Who is it that believes, it is too much to pay?
We all have so much to offer,
And to give to each other,
Why do we not take the time to bother?
I wonder why THEY thought it would be better,
As I watch my son grow into a man,
Into the loving and caring individual, I know he can.
As I try to take the time to enjoy a sunset,
Or watch a young child happily at play,
My thoughts are constantly interrupted everyday.
Today, as always, I ask myelf...and I see,
I see my baby girl, 'Lena Marie'.
'Lena Marie', where, oh where, can you be?
What do you look like?
And what do you like to do?
Will I ever find the answers...will you?
You have always been right here,
Here, deep in my heart.
Will we ever meet, or forever be apart?
Will I go to my maker,
Never to see you, my precious one?
These questions haunt me with each rising sun.
THEY told me not to worry,
That one day soon, we would meet again,
I thought, to lie...it was a sin.
I never wished to hide from you,
For you have always lived within me,
I thought you would forever be, my 'Lena Marie'.
Don't we deserve to at least know one another?
And why can't others see?
How will we ever, finally, be set free?
Set free from the questions,
Set free from the pain,
Free from the feeling that niether one of us will ever gain.
THEY told me, one day soon we would meet again,
But I found out too late, THEY had lied,
Yes, and THEY told me these things, as I cried.
What I really want to say to you is...I love you,
My dear daughter, and I need you today,
More, much more, even more than yesterday...


Dedicated to my birth daughter, 'Lena Marie' DOB: 7-19-76
With Love Always, your birthmom, Michele
July 19, 1999

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