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My friend and I were in Leicester Square of all places gonna look at apartments to rent, she went off to make a phone call and left me on the grass waiting for her, about 10
minutes later she came back with a friend of hers Pauline, also from Gleneagles, I only new Pauline to say hi to and nothing more. She'd bumped into her in amongst thousands of people! Anyway Pauline also lived in
London but was looking to move on she had the travel bug and a leading hotels of the world brochure! After about 5 mins of travel talk I said I wanna go to Australia! Pauline said she fancied Australia too and suggested we go together, then she said how about Canada, I said well I'm going to Australia regardless
(I had always said I wanted to go to Australia from being a small kid, I never really new why, and this was before the flood of Aussie soaps & Pop Stars too) So in only 6 months I saved up every penny I earned to get the required two thousand pound savings to get the working visa. I did nothing for 6 months, wouldn't go out with friends, if I went anywhere I walked!, I
motivated myself by walking from High Street Kensington all the way to Australia House in The Strand to get Aussie brochures TNT magazines to surround myself with. I never and still don't to this day know what compelled me to come here but the day I flew into Cairns Airport I Finally felt settled, almost as if I had came home after a long time away! (I know that sounds so corny but its just how I felt, I have never and will never try to explain it).
I always new I was Gay even from being an eleven year old boy, I never had an interest in girls, and my sexual fantasies were always about boys, like most Gay people I tried desperately to deny it telling myself I'm not so I never had a girlfriend and would never have a boyfriend.
Visiting Australia I had pretty much repressed my feelings and did so up until I reached Sydney, walking round Oxford Street and seeing guys happily together was a wonderful site for me I felt so comfortable. But still I would not accept what I knew about myself. When I went back to England I was so unhappy but I began to get into a routine hoping I would be able to come back to Australia to live sometime.
Strangely enough I began to accept my sexuality a little more back in England although this only involved buying some gay videos (not even hardcore) then advancing onto a couple of free European videos I sent off for from the adult section of the Newspapers./ The funniest
experience was one day when the free videos came, Mum was in and got the brown envelope, I quickly got the package off her pretending it was a video I was wanting to get (I had already bought the video some time before, and had it hidden in my room God I Can Be devious. Occasionally. I'm sure Mum new I was up to something. Mums know more than you think
Well finally my dream became a reality and I got back to Australia as a temporary resident working for a new complex in Sydney, I had applied myself for Permanent Residency but I was so unhappy I thought 2 years is 2 years and I may still get my residency. Leaving Home was heart wrenching for everyone of us, I was spurned on with my decision to move overseas by a conversation my Mum and I had many years ago, where she said to me Son do what you want to do, don't stay for me cause I won't always be here. As long as your happy. I am very lucky to have such a fantastic Mum in every way. I guess everyone thinks that though.
I had decided that I was gonna act on my feelings, and accept my sexuality! when I was in Australia..
Well I came to Sydney with 22 other English chefs to help open a new complex in the city (it was a 2 year visa with residency
assistance at the end of the 2 years) I had been living a straight life and everyone thought I was and I
didn't have the courage to say I was gay, so I went with the flow. I did however distance myself from the group, and when I moved in with a few of the guys I did my own thing and went into a gay porn shop for the first time,
buying magazines. I thought I was heading in my true
direction finally!
But life isn't smooth running, a few of us English guys were working graveyard shift, there was a lovely girl
Adrienne also a chef on graveyard, we all used to go to the pub after work, I got on with her like you wouldn't believe we had so much in common, anyway me being so naïve and gullible with no experience in relationships etc I didn't have a clue she was keen on me until a couple of the guys told me she had asked them to push me in the right direction
Anyway I was sort of pressured into asking her out on a date which I did, we had a lovely dinner & chat at a jazz club I really did like her but not sexually although I thought she was gorgeous (and still do) but I am gay! Whether I like it or not (and I do like it) So again the
denial set in and I told myself I'll follow this and this will prove I'm straight, so a relationship developed and I fell in love with her, well I thought I was but what did I know. We moved in together I got rid of the porn I had and we planned our future. After a while we planned to marry, we were gonna go to Tasmania to do it, I told my family and the guys at work I was so looking forward to spending my life with her (again I had virtually repressed my true feelings) I still maintain though that I would never of acted on gay urges or feelings if we had married
I hate people who betray someone's trust and sleep with people behind there back!
But again my life was approaching a major choice & change. Adrienne and I went to
Tasmania to visit her family over there, her step mum and brothers & sister were Jehovah
Witnesses, I had no problem with that like I said to her as long as they don't try to force there
religion & views on me,
anyway I thought they were genuinely nice people I even went to there Easter service. Adrienne asked if she could stay for a further week as she had the time off work, I had to go back of course I didn't have a problem with that, so I returned to Sydney, when Adrienne came home she was very different, there was a terrible atmosphere, she wouldn't touch me, soon she asked if we could sleep in separate rooms till we were married, I didn't mind but I felt there was something else wrong then it started to come out she wanted to become a Jehovah Witness, not knowing what this really meant I said if that's what she wanted, but I made it clear if or when we had children they would not be raised like JW's anyway things didn't get any better, the distance grew more. I knew the day it was gonna end I got up for work (she had left the
casino and was in a restaurant in town), I was working
casual at the same place to get money saved so I could fly my mum over for the wedding, anyway she
didn't say a word at me all day at work, I just knew, when I finished work she came to me and said I have got something to tell you, I said I know what it is, she said there's a letter on the unit at home. I was
devastated even before getting the letter, when I got home and read the letter my hurt turned to
anger, she said how us being together "was unsightly" in gods eyes and that JW's only mixed with there own kind (the nice family in Tasmania had been working on her to become a JW, and to leave me as it was clear I wasn't interested in becoming one) what hurt more was this meant she was gonna turn her back on her Mum,
Sister and Brother here in Sydney, they Idolized her like you wouldn't believe.
After a while when I moved out and began rebuilding my life (with great help from her MUM!), we were a strong support for each other, the day she came to see me which was the day I moved in to my own place will never leave me she was so hurt, sad, upset (this was the first day she got to know off Adrienne), I can imagine how she felt her daughter telling she would not associate with her because it was not right "in gods eyes" some god they worship hey, one who is quite happy to tear people apart if they don't comply!
Over the next 6- 8 months I got on with my life and thought about where I was headed, which route I should take and realized I had once again presented with some choices I realized why this had happened to me. My sexuality issues had never really left me however much
I repressed they were always still there so I was finally beginning to accept me for who I was! I bought a computer as I had always wanted one, got on the Net and automatically started looking at gay things, porn sites, gay chat rooms etc, its quite bizarre really I went straight for gay stuff I
didn't even think about it, it was a natural direction. The gay community can be very helpful and
caring (IT CAN ALSO BE VERY COLD & LONELY) I met many interesting, and nice people some helped lots, I was very self conscious so I never met anyone in the flesh I have always been a big guy and this has always been a low self esteem
issue with me.
Well about eight months later Adrienne's mum said she had re-entered her life she had left the JW thing, her main reason being her love for me… during the 8 months she had been away her family here had been to hell and back, her sister had took an overdose (she is ok though), her brother had become a total schizophrenic (mainly drug induced), I had become quite close to them I had thought. So I met Adrienne again really for her family as I had pretty much accepted my sexuality, I seen her a few times leading up to my 26th birthday where as always for peoples birthdays we went out to dinner I could feel I was close to making a bad decision and repressing my feelings yet again, I was torn between doing something to help her mum (I had this fear that she would go back to being a JW with the pressure from Tasmania if it didn't work out with us as it was said on numerous occasions that her love for me was the big reason she had started to see sense stupid as I think now she wouldn't of went back)
So we had dinner and she came home with me I was pre-occupied all night as Adrienne had noticed I felt sick inside, so bad about myself the whole situation I was creating was cruel and gonna hurt other people as well as me. Anyway we tried to have sex but I could not do anything, Adrienne got upset, and I realized I had to stop it now!, so I told her I had changed, that I was a different person, I was confused. Adrienne left very upset, we agreed to talk on the phone in a day or so, I was in an awful way I felt very cruel, a bastard! I had done the one thing I didn't want to do and that was to hurt her or anyone! For that matter. I didn't have the heart to tell her why, I made probably the biggest mistake now I sent a letter to her saying I couldn't
re-kindle the relationship with her that I had changed too much, probably the most insensitive thing I did was to type it out on my computer, on my letterhead, I use this for everyone as I am an atrocious writer I honestly didn't think anything of it at the time but I realize now how much of a stupid and gutless thing it was, I was a coward. But we all make mistakes, its what makes us who we are, the important thing is to learn by our mistakes. to this day I still haven't told her I am gay, I have only seen her once since it ended. Something that hurt me a lot was her mum became cold with me,
never kept in touch with me and was distant when I rang her, I thought it was because she only wanted to have her daughter back and I was the tool for her getting her back, her mum believed she would come back to me, she new as mums do!
I believe what goes round comes around so maybe it was more karma repaying me back for what I had done I will never know I guess.
So I got on with my life once again, I knew I had made the right decision in the end in accepting myself.
Be True Be You
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