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Time has begun to dwindle for me. I have begun to realize that my mind is starting to lose some control. With the effort I have been putting into to overcome this depression, I have caused a ripple that I now see. It is sort of like taking the foundation away from a house a little at a time. You don't see any problems, until the house starts to become shaky. This is what I have done with my mind.
My secret is the roots for the depression. The day I actually emitted that the secret did happen, I started to chip away at my mind's foundation. When I started to emit to myself that I was a victim, I started to break away bigger pieces to my mind's foundation. Now, the more people that find out about the secret, the foundation of my mind seem to become shaky. The more stress I feel, about anything, the more that the foundation shakes. This weekend will be the start of that foundation collapsing.
This past weekend I finally had the confrontation with a friend's parent, which I knew was coming. I prepared for the worst so that I couldn't be off-guard if the confrontation went bad. The confrontation went well, however my friend, his/her family, and my family are in an agreement. My judgment, which is still in question, was wrong for me to tell a specific friend (and his/her family) some hurtful information. I have been told by those people that think I did something wrong, to next time keep anything that I feel can be hurtful to myself. I am not to tell information that can be hurtful to anyone, even if I feel that he/she should know the information.
With what happened this past weekend, I feel a void starting to open up. I feel this void coming because I did the right thing, but I am being told it was wrong to do this. I have been told that it is my opinion that I did the right thing, however I have been also told that it may not be the right opinion. This phrase actually came from my family, so you can imagine how much that hurt. My family seems to be more interested in keeping the peace between the two families, than to do the right thing. This will be a great problem for the future, especially when I speak about the secret I have bared for over a decade.
Due to the events that happened during this past weekend, and how I feel about everyone around me, I will be experiencing something earlier than expected. I will be having a "self-destruction" period during this coming weekend, if I can last until then. As I said above, my mind's foundations have become shaky. The more that I recent the people I grew up with (family & friends), which are the same people I have protected for all these years, the more my mind's foundation shakes. If I can make it to this long weekend I should be able to have the "self-destruction" period without involving anyone. That is only if I can make it to Friday without causing that foundation to shake any harder.
Before I thought that my "self-destruction" period would happen some time after this month. I have a lot of stress with this month, and I thought that nothing would shake me up enough to cause the "self-destruction" period to happen any earlier than the month of May. I was wrong. I have had my mind shaken up a lot from this past weekend. I do not agree with what those people said about me doing the wrong thing. This has caused me to second guess the protection that I have held up for so long. It seems like when I speak of the secret, in the future, I will be "standing alone" afterwards. This means that I will be left alone from the family when the secret finally comes.
There is very little that can change now. I have been preparing for the day that the first "self-destruction" period to come, and now I know that it is close. It is unfortunate that it has come so early, however it is probably a good thing that it has. I have already started to push people away from me, and now I am faced with the reality that the worst is still to come. My sense of purpose has also started to sway, and I am starting to believe that I will lose control soon.
I have told one of my parents, with some blunt hints, that something is wrong. That parent seems to not be able to see that something is wrong, and in the process believes that everything is all right. There is going to be a time in the future that my family will have to decide something important. My family will have to decide to keep a friendship with a certain family, or to stand by my side. That day is coming, and the first test of their loyalties was to that certain family. I can see that their loyalties aren't with me right now, and may not be with me when the secret finally comes out.
My mind is starting to become unstable. I have known this since Friday when I had the confrontation. I knew that my mind wants to be free of the destruction that it has had for a long time. I know that the foundations that my mind is built around, and the foundations of my depression are all starting to crumble. The more that I am forced to fight against my own family, the worse that both foundations become. There will be a time that the foundations will collapse, and I hope that they don't collapse at the same time.
If both sets of foundations collapse together, I will be locked up for a long time frame. I will be in no shape to do anything because my mind will have nothing to base a foundation upon. This is one of the things that I mostly fear about what I am beginning to go through. Those few people that know what the secret is may be able to help me during the time that the secret comes out, however I do not believe any of them will be able to help me if both foundations (mind and depression) collapse together. It is sad to know that I cannot trust anyone of my family to know the secret, and if both foundations collapse they won't know why.
Time is the only factor that is involved now. I sense that my family will not come to my side when my secret comes out, and also sense that I will be removed from the family in the process. It is said to know all of this and I am still willing to continue with my work to end my depression. I will end it no matter the cost to me.
I know that this sounds bad, however this is how things have begun to lay themselves out. It is unfortunate how things are starting to look, but it is necessary to know where people stand. I know that I have a few friends that will stand by me regardless of how others feel. I know this and this is why these few people know my secret. This is going to be an experience that no one wants to experience, however someone needs to be hurt. My family does not know what I have been going through lately, however they do believe that I am not thinking about anyone before I do things. It is always bad when they say stuff like that, especially for how I protected them in the past (with them unknowingly of it).
My mind is a little unsettled from this past weekend. I actually had one of my sibling's friends guess what my secret was. This person used five guesses, and was able to guess what it was & whom it involved. Now if someone that I have very little contact with like this person is able to guess the secret, it seems really odd for family members to not realize that something has been wrong with me for a long time. I know that I am not an actor, so no one can say that my "showing a 'good' front" was why they were unable to see anything wrong.
The longer that the secret is kept a secret, the harder it will be to come to terms with that secret. Secrets are sometimes good, however many times (like mine) the secret is not worth keeping it a secret. Secrets can be extremely damaging at times too. The secret that I have kept as long as I have is extremely damaging to both those people I have been protecting and myself. It is unfortunate to know that one little thing can have that type of impact if it is brought into sight of everyone.
This weekend will be the start of something that can escalate into something very disturbing. Time is the factor in this situation because time is the only thing that can judge when everything will be going to "Hell on Earth". The secret will destroy many lives, and it will cause a lot of mental anguish on many others and myself. This secret has already caused a lot of mental anguish to me and will cause more when the secret is out. Time is the question right now because I don't know how much time I have left before the worst starts to come.
It is interesting to know how time really can affect you in life. Time has the ability to give/take things from you at any point in life. Time can also end/start any suffering that you may experience. Time cannot be beaten because the technology doesn't exist to do it. Time has all this power, however time is just as helpless as one of us. Time requires us to live for time to have a purpose. Time is nothing without any of us to experience anything, but has complete power over us at the same time.
When people talk about time, it usually involves time being against him/her. This is something that happens all of the time. Time seems to be blamed when something is going wrong or something has gone wrong. There are times that people are nervous about something, and time is the reason for him/her to be nervous. No matter how the person reacts to the timeframe that is available, time is always the reason for the frame of mind for the person.
I know that it is only a matter of time before everyone knows my secret. I know that I will have control of this situation when there are only a few people that know the secret. I also know that I may not have my family as support when this secret is brought into the open. Time is the question on my mind. Time is the only thing that is a variable in this because there is more than one way to look at my situation.
Time can be looked at, in my situation, in the way that "some people will not be able to keep that secret forever" because things like that slip out once in a while. Hell that is how the secret came out to the first person that found out about it. I accidentally had it slip out, and now there are 4 others that I was able to tell the secret to. Another way to look at my situation is "how long can I keep my mind in control". I know that I have had the foundations of my mind to be really shaky lately. I also know that I will be experiencing one of my "self-destruction" periods some time this weekend. I hope for only one, however I have never tried to leave the depression before. Of course you can't forget, "how long before I have a breakdown due to stress". My stress levels have been causing the foundations for my mind (and my depression) to be a little shakier than expected. The stress I feel may be enough to make me have a full "breakdown".
All of these things have been going through my mind lately. These are all time-related things that I consider once in a while. I know that with the trust that I have with the few that know my secret, that he/she will not expose the secret on purpose. I know that no one would expose the truth willingly, unless provoked in the improper manner. I trust these people and know that these people only have my well-being in mind. For the rest, it all depends on me. It all depends on whether I am able to continue with everything the way I have, and whether I am able to do it unnoticed as I have in the past. Time can only answer that question.
I can sense certain mental barriers starting to collapse, due to the hurt that I received during this past weekend. These mental barriers are collapsing because of the disbelief of how people have turned upon me. As it stands I have left my guard down for the last month because I want to leave this depression. For me to leave the depression I need some of the mental barriers, that keep me normal, to be removed. It is working because of the disbelief in my own family has caused those barriers to fall. Time can only say if this is a good thing or not.
I sense that time is going to be on my side, to a point, this weekend. I know that I am starting to lose control, however I hope that I can keep control until Thursday night. If I can last until then, I will be safe because I will not be at work. I just need the time to be on my side for this to work. I know that I will have a "self-destruction" period, some time during this weekend. If I don't have one of those, it may be something I haven't experienced in eight years. It may be a "snapping period", however I haven't had one since I had therapy almost six years ago. Time only knows.
Although I can sense these mental barriers collapsing, I know that time will be on my side. Time will not have me lose control when there is so much that time has planned for me. Time requires each of us to exist, and time will use us when it feels necessary. I am one of those people that will fight to get the necessary time to sort things out. I know that I will be fighting a battle with myself, however it will give me the time to deal with my situation in the process. We will see after time, and time will see all of us through any pain & suffering we may experience.
Knowing that you are going to lose control of yourself is one of the scariest things that anyone can experience. Having the knowledge doesn't mean that you can use the knowledge to help yourself. Knowing something like this and being able to prevent it are two different things. All a person can really do with that knowledge is to delay the inevitable from happening. If I can delay the inevitable from happening until Thursday night, I will be able to recover from anything that I may experience. If I cannot delay the inevitable, I will be a danger to anyone that is around me at the time, and myself. Time is the only thing in question, and hopefully time is on my side.
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