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03-22-99 · 02-12-04 · 04-06-04 · 04-22-04 · 05-04-04 ·
Time is a constant that causes a lot of stress. Time is uncontrollable and you cannot always have a set schedule because time is constantly changing. You can act like you have control of time, however time will only let happen for so long. Time is an unknown constant that is always changing. It rules over all of us no matter how much control we think we have.
The cause of time is an unknown constant and an uncontrollable constant that affects everything. Technology has not been able to find ways to slow/stop time. When the technology becomes available, it will give us the ability to cure sicknesses/diseases without the patient going through a massive amount of pain. The forms of time cannot be tracked, however they can be recorded but not traced.
The fluctuations that happen in time causes calculations to always need to be recalculated. Time has the ability to cause any calculation to be off, especially in the scientific fields. Time is a constant fluctuation and is always the thing that amazes everyone. If time can be controlled, it would be more dangerous than people realize. There are always those that believe he/she is able to fix something in the past, that wouldn't hurt the future. These people are nuts. If we were meant to control time in that fashion, we would be able to do it now. If we were to control time in that fashion, we would not be able to learn from our mistakes because those mistakes we would just reverse, to cause them not to have existed in the first place.The cause of time is the constant need for the unexpected. If the unexpected is no longer a variable, time will no longer be necessary. The process that may occur if time were no longer necessary, is that time would stop altogether. This would happen because there would be too many people manipulating time so time would stop altogether, out of a form of defense against those that are attacking it. If time were to stop, there would be an unknown number of possible outcomes that could and probably would happen. One thing that may occur is complete and utter death across the planet, which causes nothing to survive. This may happen through a way (accidental nuclear strike), a meteor hitting the planet, or an alien attack. These are some examples of unknowns that could be protecting time, itself. If time were to stop, then life will cease to exist because life is dependent on time as a constant.
Time is necessary for things to happen, and that constant is something that technology can't even stop. The only true way to stop time would be to destroy all life, so that time wouldn't have the constant of unexpected results. Life requires the constant of unexpected results due to life is nothing without it.
Everyone thinks about "time" once in a while. Whether the person remembers his/her past or if he/she is thinking about the future, "time" is a consideration of everyone. "Time" can be helpful and just as destructive because every situation is different, and if too much "time" passes "time" could cause damage rather than help. When people ask for "time" it can be difficult for some to allow that "time" to pass.
When a person says that he/she needs some time to sort out things, it can be difficult for others to leave him/her alone for the time required. This is true when the person that is asked to "back-off" is the reasoning behind the request for "time", especially if the person caused a "negative" feeling from the one asking for the "time". I am like that type of person. If I am asked to give another person "time", and it is due to something "negative" that I did, I have great difficulties to "back-off". I am the type of person that wants everyone to like me, and doesn't want to have anyone think anything bad about me at any time. If I caused a person to be uncomfortable/hurt, I have a great need to make the person feel better/comfortable because I just don't want friends to feel uncomfortable/hurt at any time. This tendency has a high chance to do more damage in the process, and has a chance to end a friendship if attempted.
I seem to do things as "the spur of the moment". This ability many people are unable to do because he/she doesn't have the ability to do things without planning for them. I have a form of "care free" attitude about me, and I have had this for quite a while. This "care free" attitude seems to also keep me feeling "young" no matter how much "time" passes by. I have been told by many friends/family members to "grow up" because I am not acting my age. My "care free" attitude is the reason why they feel that I am not acting my age. Most people my age are trying to "settle down" and have a "family" of his/her own. I don't feel that way, so in their eyes I am not acting my age.
I assume that after enough "time" passes by I may change, but it would all depend on the situation for me to change for. In other words, if I feel it is required to change and act my age then I will. If it is other people telling me to act my age, I probably will never do it. Sort of the rebellious part of me that is part of "the spur of moment" ability I have. I will "settle down" when it feels right, however "time" is to tell you when that will happen. I have a "freedom" that many people my age do not have because "time" has restricted his/her "freedom".
With my "free spirit" type of actions, I have had many people talk to me. Some of these people have been flirting, however I have had no need to respond to the flirtations as a person is suppose to. These people still come back because he/she knows that I will listen to him/her, hell nothing better to do at work. The day that I respond to the flirtations will be the day that these people will probably stop coming to talk. One of the good & bad ways about how I think. The good way is that I am willing to talk to anyone and not take advantage of him/her regardless how he/she feels. The bad way is that people can become dependent to talk to me and cross a line that he/she will regret later on. I did something similar with one of my friends.
I feel terrible for what I did, and am unable to try to fix what I did because I have been told to give him/her "time". The "time" that he/she has requested has not been given a certain limit, so I am to stay away from him/her as long as he/she needs. This is one of the hardest things that anyone has asked me to do because I have this need to try to fix the problem, however I know I have a high chance to make things worse. What I did was I invaded his/her personal space, and when I did it I did realize that I did. Where I did realize I did this, I was unable to see that I was doing something wrong. Now there has been a request to give him/her "space" and "time", and I will be obeying the request because the friendship of this friend is too precious to me. I will obey, to the best of my abilities, and give the necessary "space" and "time" that he/she requires forgiving me (if possible) of my actions. The other way to word what I did is that I "stepped in a pile of 'it', didn't know I did, and by the time I realized that I did, the pile was up to my throat".
No matter the "time" required to "heal" the ripple/rift that I put in the friendship, I am willing to "stay away" from this friend until he/she feels differently. I will obey the request and wait for this friend to tell me that I am able to spend some "time" with him/her once again. This is the hardest thing that anyone has ever asked of me, especially where the terms are due to something bad that I did. After enough "time" has passed, I believe (hope) that the friendship can be "healed" between us.
"Time" can be a positive thing and a negative thing, as described above, in my case. The negative thing is that I did something and didn't realize that I did it. Even after a certain amount of "time" passed I didn't see that I did anything wrong. I realized that there was a problem (believing was small) when I was warned that I was "overwhelming" my friend, and I was warned from a family/friend about this. I didn't give enough "time", after the warning, to my friend to be on the good side of him/her. I call this one of the most "short sightiveness" and "stupidest" thing that I have ever done because I was actually "smothering" him/her, without realizing it. The positive side about "time" is that I now know what I was doing, and should be able to avoid doing that again. Also after "time" this friend will allow me to be around him/her once again, but only after he/she believes that he/she can "trust" me once again. Only after enough "time" passes can anyone know how this one turn out. I hope that this friend knows how sorry that I am, and whatever "time" is required I will do as you request.
It is interesting to know how time really can affect you in life. Time has the ability to give/take things from you at any point in life. Time can also end/start any suffering that you may experience. Time cannot be beaten because the technology doesn't exist to do it. Time has all this power, however time is just as helpless as one of us. Time requires us to live for time to have a purpose. Time is nothing without any of us to experience anything, but has complete power over us at the same time.
When people talk about time, it usually involves time being against him/her. This is something that happens all of the time. Time seems to be blamed when something is going wrong or something has gone wrong. There are times that people are nervous about something, and time is the reason for him/her to be nervous. No matter how the person reacts to the timeframe that is available, time is always the reason for the frame of mind for the person.
I know that it is only a matter of time before everyone knows my secret. I know that I will have control of this situation when there are only a few people that know the secret. I also know that I may not have my family as support when this secret is brought into the open. Time is the question on my mind. Time is the only thing that is a variable in this because there is more than one way to look at my situation.
Time can be looked at, in my situation, in the way that "some people will not be able to keep that secret forever" because things like that slip out once in a while. Hell that is how the secret came out to the first person that found out about it. I accidentally had it slip out, and now there are 4 others that I was able to tell the secret to. Another way to look at my situation is "how long can I keep my mind in control". I know that I have had the foundations of my mind to be really shaky lately. I also know that I will be experiencing one of my "self-destruction" periods some time this weekend. I hope for only one, however I have never tried to leave the depression before. Of course you can't forget, "how long before I have a breakdown due to stress". My stress levels have been causing the foundations for my mind (and my depression) to be a little shakier than expected. The stress I feel may be enough to make me have a full "breakdown".
All of these things have been going through my mind lately. These are all time-related things that I consider once in a while. I know that with the trust that I have with the few that know my secret, that he/she will not expose the secret on purpose. I know that no one would expose the truth willingly, unless provoked in the improper manner. I trust these people and know that these people only have my well-being in mind. For the rest, it all depends on me. It all depends on whether I am able to continue with everything the way I have, and whether I am able to do it unnoticed as I have in the past. Time can only answer that question.
I can sense certain mental barriers starting to collapse, due to the hurt that I received during this past weekend. These mental barriers are collapsing because of the disbelief of how people have turned upon me. As it stands I have left my guard down for the last month because I want to leave this depression. For me to leave the depression I need some of the mental barriers, that keep me normal, to be removed. It is working because of the disbelief in my own family has caused those barriers to fall. Time can only say if this is a good thing or not.
I sense that time is going to be on my side, to a point, this weekend. I know that I am starting to lose control, however I hope that I can keep control until Thursday night. If I can last until then, I will be safe because I will not be at work. I just need the time to be on my side for this to work. I know that I will have a "self-destruction" period, some time during this weekend. If I don't have one of those, it may be something I haven't experienced in eight years. It may be a "snapping period", however I haven't had one since I had therapy almost six years ago. Time only knows.
Although I can sense these mental barriers collapsing, I know that time will be on my side. Time will not have me lose control when there is so much that time has planned for me. Time requires each of us to exist, and time will use us when it feels necessary. I am one of those people that will fight to get the necessary time to sort things out. I know that I will be fighting a battle with myself, however it will give me the time to deal with my situation in the process. We will see after time, and time will see all of us through any pain & suffering we may experience.
Knowing that you are going to lose control of yourself is one of the scariest things that anyone can experience. Having the knowledge doesn't mean that you can use the knowledge to help yourself. Knowing something like this and being able to prevent it are two different things. All a person can really do with that knowledge is to delay the inevitable from happening. If I can delay the inevitable from happening until Thursday night, I will be able to recover from anything that I may experience. If I cannot delay the inevitable, I will be a danger to anyone that is around me at the time, and myself. Time is the only thing in question, and hopefully time is on my side.
The future is coming whether we are prepared for it or not. The future is a form of time that we can try to predict, however we can never be sure about anything. When we believe that something horrible is coming in our future, we will prepare for it to the best of our abilities. We will do this because we feel the need to prepare and we need a form of hope to overcome that horrible thing. We do this because our survival instincts demand this out of us.
I have been discovering a lot of thoughts that are very self-doubtful. I have a bit of stress for this week, more than usual, but only those around me know why. I also have thoughts that can betray me depending on how much I focus on them. I have thoughts that make me reconsider everything in my life, and wonder if life would be better if I wasn't in it. I know that this sounds a little suicidal however it isn't because I do not have a need to end my life, just a need to consider the effects on others in my life. These types of thoughts can be very destructive in nature, if you let these thoughts control your life. It is unfortunate that things like this exist, however they do and it takes a lot to work through them.
I have been feeling "out of place" for this whole week. I have felt this way because of what is going on in my life, and the extra stress that is around right now. I have been considering many things in my life, especially whether or not it is worthwhile to cause the devastation that I feel I need to cause. The devastation of the past may not be the proper thing to do; however it may be the necessary thing to do. I know that there are a lot of things in the world that people have to conquer to have real lives, and this is one that people cannot truly prepare for.
There isn't enough time in the world to prepare for some of the evils of the world. Some evils of the world just happen because bad people make those things happen; such as "rape". Bad people will "rape" good people because the bad people have a need to cause pain & suffering to another person. These people, I feel, need to be killed off because "rape" is worse than killing someone. To "rape" someone is just like killing the person, especially the innocence of that person, and afterwards the victim must live with the whole situation. I believe that if a person is convicted of "rape", the person should first have a surgery to remove that ability from happening again; then be killed off if the victim feels that the attacker hasn't gone through enough pain & suffering yet. This would surely minimize these types of attacks from happening.
The people that have been convicted of molestation (or similar things) should also be treated differently. The people who do molestations should also have the special surgery to remove the ability to do that action ever again. I also believe that people that are convicted of any form of molestation (including attempted) should not be allowed to go to a mental health services place. He/she should go directly to jail after the special surgery takes place. These people should also have a special micro-ship inserted into his/her body to prevent him/her to do the molestation ever again. These is what I would like to happen to these people, and I am classified as a normal person, just imagine what the rest of the world wants to happen to these people.
Time seems to always be against you, regardless of what you are trying to do in your life. There doesn't seem to be enough time to consider all the options that are in front of you, and you always seem to be given no time to really consider everything necessary. For the horrible destruction I will be issuing onto a community, I have been unable to be given the proper time to deal with all the issues surrounding this act. I know that it sounds weird, however it is the fact that I feel that my time is limited. This may be due to the fact that the foundations of my depression are surrounding this destructive secret that I cannot let stay hidden any longer.
I know that if I stay quiet about the whole thing, I will hate myself a lot more than I do now. I will also become too mentally unstable to continue to live my life. I will be locked up in a mental institution because I will be a direct risk to myself, and perhaps to anyone that comes near me. My mental stability has been a little shaky lately because I have been facing multiple parts of my depression. This depression is what I have grown up with for so long, I have a difficult time believing that life is better without the depression. I know that feeling emotions is a good thing, however I have repressed the emotions for so long that I do not know how to have a proper connection with the emotions.
I have a lot of self-doubt with everything that is going on in my life. I have friends that are supporting me through this whole ordeal, and I have friends that will no longer be friends when he/she finds out about everything. I will have my life flipped up side down when the truth finally comes out, however I seem to be unable to prepare for it to happen. I cannot seem to find the strength to deal with it all, any more. I am mentally exhausted when it comes to dealing with the depression, and pretending that nothing is wrong with me. I know that people have realized that I have been a little more distant than usual, and I seem to be extremely defensive about why, but no one really knows what is going on in my head.
Time seems to be against me for this whole thing. I feel that if I allow the truth to surface now that I am only causing pain & suffering to those around me for something that cannot be changed. I know that the truth cannot stay hidden forever, however I have considered to be locked up in a mental institution, just to keep that secret hidden. It doesn't seem like the right thing to do; however the loyalties that I have to those around me have got me considering that. I have my life starting to be on track right now, having a stable job, car, place to live; but ending this depression may take me out of all of those things. The depression was always a way to keep people from "trying my patients", and now I am finding that the closer to the end of the depression I come the more my patients are being tested.
I have a lot of hate and anger towards my past. A lot of that hate and anger is directed towards myself. There is some directed towards my family for not realizing that there was something wrong with me when I started to put myself into a form of solitude. The rest of the hate and anger is directed towards the person that is responsible for making me a victim of something so terrible. I still don't know how to deal with everything. I am still trying to find the ability to keep control of my mind vs. emotional state. I have become so accustomed to repress the emotions that I don't know how to deal with the emotions when they start to surface. The hate and anger that I feel now, I cannot repress. This is something that I am not able to deal with properly because of the seriousness of the situation. I may require to be locked in a mental institution just to regain some of the sanity I am losing to these emotions.
I know that there will be a lot of people that will not be able to understand what is going on with me. I have always been able to do a "disappearing act" once in a while, however no one really worried about it because I would show up later in that day. Now I am faced with the possibility to do a "disappearing act" during a period of time longer than a day. I know that many people will be worried due to the fact that he/she will not be able to find me, however there will be nothing that I can do to stop that from happening. For those that know what I am dealing with, these people may be able to comfort the other people (like my family). I know that people like my family will not be able to understand what I am going through, especially where I believe that they are not willing enough to believe that it is happening. This will be something that will take time to deal with however time is a luxury right now.
As it stands with what is planned for the month of June, I expect to lock myself up in a mental institution for a small period of time. I will be facing a traumatic part of my depression in the month of June. I will be having two different therapists seeing me at this point. I also feel that the worst will come from this all. I don't have the plans to face the person that has made me a victim in my past, during that month however I may be forced to when I lock myself up. I know that many people will think that I am "making a mountain out of a molehill", however those that believe that wouldn't know all of the facts behind the situation.
I know that there will be people around me that I will wonder why I just couldn't stay the way I had been all my life. The question of why I finally decided it was time to bring up the past, and what the "real reason" is behind it all. I know that many people will look at short-term reasons for the reasoning, and many may think he/she will have the answers. I know that there are many things that are short-term that people can think are the reasons for my behavior, however the truth of the matter is that no one can keep something like this hidden forever. I feel torn up inside for the devastation and destruction I will cause when the truth is finally known, but this is a necessary evil that needs to be done.
There are very few that know what I am dealing with. I have loyalties with all of my friends. Some friends have stronger loyalty bonds than others, and I know that everyone of them will be tested. In the month of June, many people will realize that I am in therapy. Many will not know why, however some will know a partial truth for the therapy. I will do what I feel is necessary to deal with everything. To protect those that need to be protected, and to release the truth onto those that can handle the truth. These are decisions that I will decide, however I do know that those I will try to protect may hear the truth from someone other me. Those that I will try to protect are those that I feel cannot handle the full truth about everything. Those that tell these people do not care for his/her well-being, and it will be seen who really care.
In the month of June I will discover more things dealing with my past, than I may be prepared to learn. I have already "connected dots" that I didn't know existed, and in the month of June more of those "dots" will be connected. I expect to have a "self-destruction" period somewhere between seeing the two therapists in the month of June, and I expect to lock myself up during the experience. I will do this for the purpose to protect everyone around me from the outrage of emotions that I will be feeling. In the past I have repressed the emotions that I have felt after a "self-destruction" period, but now I will have to face those emotions head-on. This may be the most dangerous thing for me to experience because of the seriousness of everything involved.
Time is the consideration in this case. I am being faced with the horrible truth of my past, and I cannot prepare accurately enough for it. The time is coming near and I cannot stop it. I cannot prepare for it because I do not know what to expect. To leave a depression, such as mine, requires a lot of time however that time may not exist. I am doing my best to make sure that this doesn't interfere with my work, however June may change all that. I am a strong willed person, however a strong will can only do so much before it cannot do anything more.
The courage to face everything directly, I do not have. The need to protect people is still with me. The will to end the depression, is as strong as ever. The realization that there is a lot of pain & suffering to come has always been around. Time is a factor here that cannot be ignored. As time wears on, I feel more self-doubt than before. As the self-doubt builds, the need to hide rises also. I know that the truth needs to come out regardless of the cost to myself. I will lose a lot when this secret finally comes out, and hopefully the truth doesn't destroy everything.
The community will suffer for the reason of who is involved in my secret. I know that I will become a person that the community will gossip about, even more than what they do now. I also know that I will not feel like the community is my home any more because of the way that the community will look at me. Anyone that tries to use the phrase of "why couldn't you just let the secret die with you" will realize that I will remove him/her from my life. I don't care if he/she is family because that phrase is more damaging than the truth is.
The battle with myself is just beginning, although the fight has been for my whole life. I will be in a never ending battle because of this secret, and I hope that my family isn't destroyed as much as I have been. My family will lose faith in a lot of things, and they will lose faith in myself when they realize that I will not be pursuing this matter through the courts. I will be making the truth known; however will not put everyone through that type of suffering. To do such a thing would cause myself more pain & suffering than I would be able to handle. I know this and this is why I will not pursue everything through the courts. I have gone through enough, and there is no need for the taxpayers to pay for something that I don't feel is necessary.
Time is the only thing that can tell what will happen. Time is a constant in all of this and no one can predict the true outcome of anything that the future has prepared for us. I have kept this secret for a long time, and now the secret needs to come out. I cannot hide this secret any longer because my depression is going to end. For the depression to end, I need to be able to expression emotions (have the full connections like everyone else). For me to express emotions properly, I will need to stop hiding from the past, which means the secret will no longer be hidden. These things will need to happen altogether because they are all tied together. I know that I cannot look at myself the same way as I have in the past because of the hate/disgust/anger that I feel towards myself for going into the depression (and keeping the secret hidden) for so long. These feeling will take time to remove; however that time is not any time soon.
There is always a time and place for everything in the world. Finding the right time and place for a situation is the difficult part of life, however not impossible. Many of us will become frustrated when trying to find the right time and place for specific situations. This will also help some people to appear to be spontaneous, when he/she really planned out the situation.
I am a spontaneous person; I listen to my "gut" and decide things on the "fly". I do this because I find it easier to do than to try to "over plan" anything. I have found that my "gut" hasn't steered me wrong yet, and until my "gut" does steer me wrong I will use my "gut" as a guide. There will come a time that my "gut" will no longer be reliable enough to trust, however that day is a long time away.
I have planned things in the past, and I have said in those times that I didn't care for which way the plans ended up. When I plan a situation it will seem like I am trying to surprise someone with the situation, and it is obvious to anyone in the situation that I planned it out. This is why I use my time with my "gut" so that I am just as surprised as anyone else is for the situation. I plan to always use my "gut" because I do not, currently, have the proper emotional contact to be doing anything else.
Time seems to be against me right now. I have a war that I will be waging in the future, however I do not have the necessary courage/ability to finally engage in the war. I know that I will be required to wage this war to help me out of the depression I have been in for a number years, however I will need to destroy a friendship to do this. I have been preparing myself, to the best of my abilities, for the possible worst things that will happen when this war is waged. I will do this because preparing for the worst and it not happening is best than having the worst come without the preparation for it.
I know that when the war is engaged, that my family will become crushed by the reasons of this war. I know that I will be the most hated person among my family/friends because of the war, however it is a sacrifice that I am willing to do. I will sacrifice the opinions of others to help me regain my sanity enough to finally end my depression. This sounds weird/selfish at the same time, but it is the truth. I always try to protect everyone and try to have everyone happy at the same time. I will still protect some people, however I will not be so much concerned about keeping people happy. This is a new side of me that many people will not like. My opinion to this is, "Oh well".
As time passes by, the more I feel like time is against me. With the amount that I have started to regain some contact with my emotions, I see that I will be up for one hell of a fight to regain all contact to my emotions. I know that I will be causing other people and myself a great deal of pain & suffering, when this war finally comes. I also know that others will see me differently than I am seen now. The pain & suffering is necessary for me to finally do what I should have done a long time ago. Time will tell what will happen with this situation.
To many people, when I wage war against this specific friend, it will seem like the worst thing in the world to happen. I know that many will perceive me as the one who is wrong and will go to the side of the specific friend. I also expect to have certain family members to no longer want me in his/her presence, when this war finally starts. I expect to have a lot of pain & suffering come from my direct family, and I also expect to need to remove myself from his/her presence when it happens.
For the things that I have been preparing myself for, is only the things that will happen during the start of the war. There is a lot more that can/will happen when this war comes into the eyes of the public/community, and I expect that everyone will be crushed one way or the other. There will be a time that everyone will be able to heal from the war, however that time cannot be predicted by anyone. The pain from the war will be known by all, however I may be the only one that will have the healing start during the war.
Everything I have said may seem like a person that has a grudge to bury into someone, however I don't see this situation in that form. Some people may see this war, as nothing more than a grudge, but the truth is that the war is necessary for me to regain what I have sacrificed. I have no other way to be able to regain what I have sacrificed because I have weighed out all the other options. I have taken into account the number of people that are innocent with this situation what will be affected by this war. I have tried to think of another way to do this, and I keep coming back to the fact that the friendship with this specific person will be put through the worst test in the world. I will have to challenge this specific friend and force a war between both of us. I know this seems harsh however with the sensitive situation that I am in, a war is a generous gesture.
I know that my life will change in a big way when this war is engaged. I know that a lot of the community will have a different opinion about my friends, my family, and me. I know I will be causing more pain & suffering than anyone should experience in his/her life. I hope that this war doesn't cause any undo pain & suffering to those that are innocent to this situation. I hope that people can learn to forgive me, over time, for having this war come out. I know that I wish to protect everyone from the war, however that is how it has taken this long to have the war come in the first place. It should have come before my depression started.
I know that many people will have problems facing the truth, and many of them will believe that I am the one that is wrong for the rest of his/her lives. I know this possibility and do not care for those people's opinions. I know that I have cared about what others thought about me, in the past, and I still care (to a point). I will do what is necessary for me to survive in the world today. I will no longer bottle everything up, and hopefully with the contact of my emotions, be able to finally continue in life. I know that I will have a long and painful war in front of me, however it is necessary to fight one painful war in your lifetime.
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