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As I get more stressed out about everything in my life, the more the thoughts become erratic. I have the thoughts dealing with the stress I am feeling. I have the thoughts that involve my friends. I have the thoughts that deal with the secret I have been burdened with for so many years. I have the thoughts of how things will change when the secret is finally released. I have the thoughts of how I will be able to continue after the secret is released. I have the thoughts that deal with what would happen to me if I just stayed quiet instead of releasing the truth. I also have miscellaneous thoughts about friends. All these thoughts have been surfacing. Every time a new thought surfaces, the more I feel that I am being overwhelmed by everything.
The closer I have come into a different stage in my depression, the more erratic my thoughts have become. I know that I have a lot of negative emotions that are buried inside of me. I also know that I will have a lot to deal with when the secret is finally out. The negative emotions that are buried inside of me are very overwhelming at times. I know that there are positive ones in there somewhere, however I haven't had any surface in a long time. Thankfully the strong front that I have been putting on for the past month (or so) hasn't faded any. My family knows that I seem to be a little distant lately, however no one really suspects anything.
It is unfortunate that I have to hide something like this from my own family. This secret will devastate my family, and hopefully they can understand that I didn't tell them because I wanted to protect them. It is sad that I can say that I have been protecting someone without him/her knowing that they were being protected. So much time has passed since my family really took a good look at my life. When I started to put myself into a solitude situation, my family felt that it would pass. When the solitude started up, my depression had a huge hold over me. I must have some acting skills in me if I can make it seem like nothing is wrong, and people actually believe it without question.
My mind has been going through a lot lately. I have a certain amount of things that are going on in this month that has me concerned, and a little stressed out. I also know that I have a lot of things going to happen in the month of June too, and I will have to deal with them in the according manner. My mind has become very unstable, and keeping a train of thought longer than 5 minutes is rare. I have so many things that are concerning me that I cannot keep track of everything. There will be a time in which I will have to make an important decision. That decision has the ability to destroy my life, regardless of the direction I choose. My choice is to either destroy myself and let the secret die with me, or to let the secret out and destroy everyone around. I don't win in either situation, and there will be a lot of pain & suffering that someone will have to go through.
As time passes by, and the more I think about my situation, I realize that I will be seen as a mental disturbed person. I will be seen as a mentally disturbed person because I will be igniting a war that no one thought would ever come between myself and the family the war will be with. This war will destroy the community one way or the other, and the only way to not have this happen is for me to stay quiet. The problem with that is the fact that my mind cannot hold it back any longer. I have put my life on hold so that this secret can stay a secret. For me to continue with my life, as everyone else has, I will have to feel emotions again. I will need to feel emotions to the extent that everyone else does. I have had my emotions repressed for so long, I know that when I start making the necessary connections that I will be in more pain than I am now.
My heart has begun to heal, most recently. My heart has never really had a chance to heal, in my life, with everything that has happened in it. I have had two breakups, one big secret, a few crushes, multiple deaths in the family, and a multitude of breakdowns. I have never had the chance to let my heart heal in any of them, and now my heart is being given the time to do this. Where I am finally going to end my depression, regardless of the person sacrifices, I will be able to allow my heart to heal from some of the things in my past.
I am not an aggressive person, however when provoked I can protect myself. I have always had people that were willing to fight for me, due to the lack of physical abilities. I am not a strong person, however I am a defensive fighter so strength is not as important as speed. In the past, I didn't express any emotions. When people would pick on me, I wouldn't be brought to tears because I didn't feel the sadness to have them. I did gain some respect from other people where I was able to withstand a lot of verbal comments, and not seem to show any hurt from the verbal assault. I also seemed to gain friends due to that ability. These people became friends because they realized that I couldn't be offended by anything that is said to/around me.
It has always been said that the quiet ones are the ones you should fear the most. I agree with that statement because I can look at myself with that statement. Although I didn't have many outbursts in school, I did have some. When I had an outburst, many people learned that silence could be deadly because of the retained negative emotions that I would have. When I would have a "snapping period" (outburst), any amount of emotion that had been buried (since the last one) would be released all at once. This could be a dangerous thing if I am directing it towards one person. With that amount of emotion, channeled properly, can make me an unstoppable force to deal with. This type of emotional outburst was rare, however very dangerous when it happened. Whatever would happen during the outburst, I would "black-out" about until a few months later.
I can honestly say that even though most of my life is going to hell in a hand-basket, there is a positive side to it all. I am finally doing exactly what I have been told to do all of my life. I am finally standing up for myself and doing what is best for me. Ironically enough, the same people that have been telling me that all my life are the same people that I am about to wage a war against. I can honestly say that these people definitely didn't expect to have me as an enemy when I finally decided to do something for myself. It is going to be a war with a lot of casualties, but it will be a war that should have happened a long time ago. At least now there will be fewer casualties that will be directly involved into this war, than if the war was waged when it should have been.
I will be having a lot of support when this war is waged. The support may not be coming from my family, however I will have a strong amount of support to help me through this war. I will also have close friends to keep my sanity in a good place, and I will also have a cat to help me see the good in life. I have certain friends now that show me the good in life now, but the cat I will have will be around me more than my friends. I have always enjoyed cats more than any other animal, don't know why, I just have. I believe that this cat should be able to help me see the good things in life, when my friends aren't around. You never know, the cat may just be what I need to help me out of this depression altogether.
The future is coming whether we are prepared for it or not. The future is a form of time that we can try to predict, however we can never be sure about anything. When we believe that something horrible is coming in our future, we will prepare for it to the best of our abilities. We will do this because we feel the need to prepare and we need a form of hope to overcome that horrible thing. We do this because our survival instincts demand this out of us.
I have been discovering a lot of thoughts that are very self-doubtful. I have a bit of stress for this week, more than usual, but only those around me know why. I also have thoughts that can betray me depending on how much I focus on them. I have thoughts that make me reconsider everything in my life, and wonder if life would be better if I wasn't in it. I know that this sounds a little suicidal however it isn't because I do not have a need to end my life, just a need to consider the effects on others in my life. These types of thoughts can be very destructive in nature, if you let these thoughts control your life. It is unfortunate that things like this exist, however they do and it takes a lot to work through them.
I have been feeling "out of place" for this whole week. I have felt this way because of what is going on in my life, and the extra stress that is around right now. I have been considering many things in my life, especially whether or not it is worthwhile to cause the devastation that I feel I need to cause. The devastation of the past may not be the proper thing to do; however it may be the necessary thing to do. I know that there are a lot of things in the world that people have to conquer to have real lives, and this is one that people cannot truly prepare for.
There isn't enough time in the world to prepare for some of the evils of the world. Some evils of the world just happen because bad people make those things happen; such as "rape". Bad people will "rape" good people because the bad people have a need to cause pain & suffering to another person. These people, I feel, need to be killed off because "rape" is worse than killing someone. To "rape" someone is just like killing the person, especially the innocence of that person, and afterwards the victim must live with the whole situation. I believe that if a person is convicted of "rape", the person should first have a surgery to remove that ability from happening again; then be killed off if the victim feels that the attacker hasn't gone through enough pain & suffering yet. This would surely minimize these types of attacks from happening.
The people that have been convicted of molestation (or similar things) should also be treated differently. The people who do molestations should also have the special surgery to remove the ability to do that action ever again. I also believe that people that are convicted of any form of molestation (including attempted) should not be allowed to go to a mental health services place. He/she should go directly to jail after the special surgery takes place. These people should also have a special micro-ship inserted into his/her body to prevent him/her to do the molestation ever again. These is what I would like to happen to these people, and I am classified as a normal person, just imagine what the rest of the world wants to happen to these people.
Time seems to always be against you, regardless of what you are trying to do in your life. There doesn't seem to be enough time to consider all the options that are in front of you, and you always seem to be given no time to really consider everything necessary. For the horrible destruction I will be issuing onto a community, I have been unable to be given the proper time to deal with all the issues surrounding this act. I know that it sounds weird, however it is the fact that I feel that my time is limited. This may be due to the fact that the foundations of my depression are surrounding this destructive secret that I cannot let stay hidden any longer.
I know that if I stay quiet about the whole thing, I will hate myself a lot more than I do now. I will also become too mentally unstable to continue to live my life. I will be locked up in a mental institution because I will be a direct risk to myself, and perhaps to anyone that comes near me. My mental stability has been a little shaky lately because I have been facing multiple parts of my depression. This depression is what I have grown up with for so long, I have a difficult time believing that life is better without the depression. I know that feeling emotions is a good thing, however I have repressed the emotions for so long that I do not know how to have a proper connection with the emotions.
I have a lot of self-doubt with everything that is going on in my life. I have friends that are supporting me through this whole ordeal, and I have friends that will no longer be friends when he/she finds out about everything. I will have my life flipped up side down when the truth finally comes out, however I seem to be unable to prepare for it to happen. I cannot seem to find the strength to deal with it all, any more. I am mentally exhausted when it comes to dealing with the depression, and pretending that nothing is wrong with me. I know that people have realized that I have been a little more distant than usual, and I seem to be extremely defensive about why, but no one really knows what is going on in my head.
Time seems to be against me for this whole thing. I feel that if I allow the truth to surface now that I am only causing pain & suffering to those around me for something that cannot be changed. I know that the truth cannot stay hidden forever, however I have considered to be locked up in a mental institution, just to keep that secret hidden. It doesn't seem like the right thing to do; however the loyalties that I have to those around me have got me considering that. I have my life starting to be on track right now, having a stable job, car, place to live; but ending this depression may take me out of all of those things. The depression was always a way to keep people from "trying my patients", and now I am finding that the closer to the end of the depression I come the more my patients are being tested.
I have a lot of hate and anger towards my past. A lot of that hate and anger is directed towards myself. There is some directed towards my family for not realizing that there was something wrong with me when I started to put myself into a form of solitude. The rest of the hate and anger is directed towards the person that is responsible for making me a victim of something so terrible. I still don't know how to deal with everything. I am still trying to find the ability to keep control of my mind vs. emotional state. I have become so accustomed to repress the emotions that I don't know how to deal with the emotions when they start to surface. The hate and anger that I feel now, I cannot repress. This is something that I am not able to deal with properly because of the seriousness of the situation. I may require to be locked in a mental institution just to regain some of the sanity I am losing to these emotions.
I know that there will be a lot of people that will not be able to understand what is going on with me. I have always been able to do a "disappearing act" once in a while, however no one really worried about it because I would show up later in that day. Now I am faced with the possibility to do a "disappearing act" during a period of time longer than a day. I know that many people will be worried due to the fact that he/she will not be able to find me, however there will be nothing that I can do to stop that from happening. For those that know what I am dealing with, these people may be able to comfort the other people (like my family). I know that people like my family will not be able to understand what I am going through, especially where I believe that they are not willing enough to believe that it is happening. This will be something that will take time to deal with however time is a luxury right now.
As it stands with what is planned for the month of June, I expect to lock myself up in a mental institution for a small period of time. I will be facing a traumatic part of my depression in the month of June. I will be having two different therapists seeing me at this point. I also feel that the worst will come from this all. I don't have the plans to face the person that has made me a victim in my past, during that month however I may be forced to when I lock myself up. I know that many people will think that I am "making a mountain out of a molehill", however those that believe that wouldn't know all of the facts behind the situation.
I know that there will be people around me that I will wonder why I just couldn't stay the way I had been all my life. The question of why I finally decided it was time to bring up the past, and what the "real reason" is behind it all. I know that many people will look at short-term reasons for the reasoning, and many may think he/she will have the answers. I know that there are many things that are short-term that people can think are the reasons for my behavior, however the truth of the matter is that no one can keep something like this hidden forever. I feel torn up inside for the devastation and destruction I will cause when the truth is finally known, but this is a necessary evil that needs to be done.
There are very few that know what I am dealing with. I have loyalties with all of my friends. Some friends have stronger loyalty bonds than others, and I know that everyone of them will be tested. In the month of June, many people will realize that I am in therapy. Many will not know why, however some will know a partial truth for the therapy. I will do what I feel is necessary to deal with everything. To protect those that need to be protected, and to release the truth onto those that can handle the truth. These are decisions that I will decide, however I do know that those I will try to protect may hear the truth from someone other me. Those that I will try to protect are those that I feel cannot handle the full truth about everything. Those that tell these people do not care for his/her well-being, and it will be seen who really care.
In the month of June I will discover more things dealing with my past, than I may be prepared to learn. I have already "connected dots" that I didn't know existed, and in the month of June more of those "dots" will be connected. I expect to have a "self-destruction" period somewhere between seeing the two therapists in the month of June, and I expect to lock myself up during the experience. I will do this for the purpose to protect everyone around me from the outrage of emotions that I will be feeling. In the past I have repressed the emotions that I have felt after a "self-destruction" period, but now I will have to face those emotions head-on. This may be the most dangerous thing for me to experience because of the seriousness of everything involved.
Time is the consideration in this case. I am being faced with the horrible truth of my past, and I cannot prepare accurately enough for it. The time is coming near and I cannot stop it. I cannot prepare for it because I do not know what to expect. To leave a depression, such as mine, requires a lot of time however that time may not exist. I am doing my best to make sure that this doesn't interfere with my work, however June may change all that. I am a strong willed person, however a strong will can only do so much before it cannot do anything more.
The courage to face everything directly, I do not have. The need to protect people is still with me. The will to end the depression, is as strong as ever. The realization that there is a lot of pain & suffering to come has always been around. Time is a factor here that cannot be ignored. As time wears on, I feel more self-doubt than before. As the self-doubt builds, the need to hide rises also. I know that the truth needs to come out regardless of the cost to myself. I will lose a lot when this secret finally comes out, and hopefully the truth doesn't destroy everything.
The community will suffer for the reason of who is involved in my secret. I know that I will become a person that the community will gossip about, even more than what they do now. I also know that I will not feel like the community is my home any more because of the way that the community will look at me. Anyone that tries to use the phrase of "why couldn't you just let the secret die with you" will realize that I will remove him/her from my life. I don't care if he/she is family because that phrase is more damaging than the truth is.
The battle with myself is just beginning, although the fight has been for my whole life. I will be in a never ending battle because of this secret, and I hope that my family isn't destroyed as much as I have been. My family will lose faith in a lot of things, and they will lose faith in myself when they realize that I will not be pursuing this matter through the courts. I will be making the truth known; however will not put everyone through that type of suffering. To do such a thing would cause myself more pain & suffering than I would be able to handle. I know this and this is why I will not pursue everything through the courts. I have gone through enough, and there is no need for the taxpayers to pay for something that I don't feel is necessary.
Time is the only thing that can tell what will happen. Time is a constant in all of this and no one can predict the true outcome of anything that the future has prepared for us. I have kept this secret for a long time, and now the secret needs to come out. I cannot hide this secret any longer because my depression is going to end. For the depression to end, I need to be able to expression emotions (have the full connections like everyone else). For me to express emotions properly, I will need to stop hiding from the past, which means the secret will no longer be hidden. These things will need to happen altogether because they are all tied together. I know that I cannot look at myself the same way as I have in the past because of the hate/disgust/anger that I feel towards myself for going into the depression (and keeping the secret hidden) for so long. These feeling will take time to remove; however that time is not any time soon.
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