The Oneliners : Page 4

If you know some more good ones ....well let me know...

Added before 02nd August '99 (previous page)
Added since 02nd August '99
Added since 12th August '99
Added since 21th March '00
Added since 6th April '00
Added since 21st June '00
Added after 15th September '00 (next page)

Added since 2nd August 1999

• There are more important things in life than money - but theywon't go out with you if you're broke.
• When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
• The only tool in my husband's toolbox is his checkbook.
• Marriage is like tobacco-its popularity is all out of proportion to its benefits.
• It is better to have that which you do not need, than to need that which you do not have.
• Have you ever noticed that most of the offenders of the school zone 25 mph law are parents taking their kids to school.
• How can you be over the hill, if you never got to the top?
• Have you ever stopped to think and then forgotten to start again?
• Please let me know which doctor makes you wait only 15 minutes so I can use him.
• I have been happily married for four years - three different times.
• My wife noticed the couples in the Viagra commercials are always dancing. Now she wants me to try it. She thinks it will improve my dancing.
• Graffiti: Dylexics of the world - untie!
• I always keep a coathanger in the glove box - just in case I locked my keys in the car.
• Sure you can't take it with you. But you can stash it where no other bastard can find it.
• Dumb? He's so dumb whenever he leaves his car he leaves the windows down so he won't lock himself out.
• When I was a teenager it took me a lot of time to work up the courage to ask the chemist for a packet of condoms. Now it takes me even longer to choose which colour.
• I told her I'd take her on a ocean cruise - she said she'd rather a Tom Cruise.
• He's just a bit kinky - only went through nursing school so he could wear white pantyhose.
• My wife had a sex change...Now it's Wednesday's and Saturday's instead of Tuesday's and Friday's.
• You know when your losing you're figure when you come home and find your husband wearing your bra and panties - and he looks better in them.
• My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive - I have mixed feelings about that.
• He was an unwanted child - his parents gave him plastic bags to play with.
• I like to wait till the end of the day before reading my horoscope. That way I can find out what kind of day I had.
• I was happily married at 23. An even more happily divorced at 26.
• Why is it that whenever I try to use my computer, it tells me that I've performed an illegal operation. Is there some set of laws that the computers of the world have to follow?
• Only I could have stocks that go down on a day when the Dow goes up 225 points.
• I told a young lady that she was good looking and she said, "You should see my girlfriend." That seems to be the common response of females in Buckhead.
• Let me make this as easy as I can: It's called the passing lane. It's not the fast lane and it's definitely not the, I am blocking this lane to prevent you from killing yourself lane. If you are not passing someone, move right.
• You know your social life is in trouble when your best friends are Waffle House waitresses.
• If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
• It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it ... that's everything!
• This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
• Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
• If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on Earth?
• Why is it that when you talk to God you're praying, but when he talks to you, you're crazy?
• Old age is inevitable; growing up is optional.
• My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong, and she agrees with me.
• My neighbor has a treadmill - and a riding lawn mower.
• The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
• Isn't it redundant to say an offer is void where prohibited?
• My son asked if I smoked while I was pregnant with him, and i said only when I was drinking.
• You're listening to country music because your love life is bad, you're drinking a lot and your dog was recently killed.
• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
• If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
• A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
• If at first you don't succeed, try management.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• We waste time, so you don't have to.
• Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
• A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
• Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be..?
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
• A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
• Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
• I plead contemporary insanity.

Added since 12th August 1999

• I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
• I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
• I've learned- that it's not what you have in your life but how much you have in your bank accounts.
• I've learned- that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
• I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
• I've learned- that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.
• I've learned- you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.
• I've learned- that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
• I've learned- that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.
• I've learned- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
• I've learned- that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.
• I've learned- that money is a great substitute for character.
• I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
• I've learned- that sometimes when I'm angry I have PMS, God helps all in my vicinity.
• I've learned- that true friendship continues to grow, until you get your stuff back in the mail with no note.
• I've learned- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.
• I've learned- that maturity is a magazine for old fucks.
• I've learned- that your family won't always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one and the horse tooth girl will more than be there for "you".
• I've learned- that no matter how good a chick is, she'll only contribute to your alcoholism.
• I've learned- that no matter how badly your heart is broken therapy is still expensive.
• I've learned- that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for all lost or stolen articles while on the premises.
• I've learned- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't have secret plans to move out.
• I've learned- that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
• I've learned- that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could be Victoria's.
• I've learned- that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.
• I've learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
• I've learned- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the door.
• I've learned- that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.
• I've learned- To say "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
• Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
• One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
• Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
• I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
• Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
• It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
• Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
• The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
• Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
• Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
• Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
• Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
• I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• A woman's favorite position is C.E.O.
• Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
• One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
• Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
• Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF*** you!
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• And just how may I screw you over today?
• I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
• I am at one with my duality.
• Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
• Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?
• Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find
• someone.
• I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
• The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
• I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
• Why do they rate a movie "R" for "adult language?" The only people I hear using that language are teenagers.
• I've gone two months without my bank or mortgage company changing their names.
• I'd rather waste my time whining in public than re-channel my energy into a constructive cause.
• Being old ain't uncool, but it sure as hell is inconvenient.
• At first I laughed at the thought of an 11-year-old asking what "horny" meant, but thinking again, my wife is 41 and still doesn't know.
• Traffic light code: Yellow means hit the gas, red means hit the gas harder, and green means just sit there and admire the pretty color.
• I went for a walk this morning, and in a space of 2 miles I picked up eight empty cigarette packs and a Nicoderm patch. I guess that goes to prove, once a smoker, always a pig.
• At the Science Center I saw an exhibit entitled, "How the Earth Works," and right underneath it was a little sign that said, "Out of Order."
• Don't you hate it when you're in court and the low life scum who beat and robbed you is referred to as a gentleman?

Added since 21th March 2000

• Money talks....it says good-bye.
• A vacation is a period of travel and relaxation when you take twice the clothes and half the money you need.
• Adults are just kids who owe money.
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
• The best way to cure your wife of a case of nerves is to tell her it's caused by advancing age.
• There are usually two sides to every argument, but no end.
• I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that.
• Most of us know how to say nothing...few of us know when.
• There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
• A pessimist is a man who gets a clean bill of health from his doctor, then goes to get a second opinion!
• A pessimist is somebody who's afraid that somewhere, somehow, someone's having a good time!
• The loudest snorer is always the first one to get to sleep.
• Social tact is making your company feel at home even though you wish they were.
• Smoking a cigarette won't send you to h*ll. It just makes you smell like you've been there.
• School days are the best days of your life...provided your children are old enough to go.
• Neurotics build air castles. Psychotics live in them.  Psychiatrists collect the rent.
• A pun is a form of humor that causes everyone to groan and is meant to punish the hearers.
• The trouble with opportunity is that it's always more recognizable going than coming.
• The man/woman who thinks he/she knows it all is a pain in the neck to those of us who really do.
• Earth is full. Go home.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
• This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
• I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
• You! Off my planet!
• Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
• The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
• I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
• Whisper my favorite words "I'll buy it for you."
• Suburbia where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
• I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• Mall whore I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
• Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery, why should I leave the house?
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
• There is always one more son-of-a-bitch than you counted on.
• You look like shit. Is that the style now?
• Does this condom make me look fat?
• It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
• I'm not tense.  Just terribly, terribly alert.
• Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson You find the present tense and the past perfect.
• Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
• An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
• Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
• Room service?  Send up a larger room.
• A child of five could understand this.  Fetch me a child of five.
• You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
• I must say that I find television very educational.  The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
• I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
• Why was I with her? She reminds me of you.  In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
• Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
• I fought the lawn and the lawn won
• So many men, so few who can afford me

Added since 6th April 2000

• Coffee, chocolate, men...some things are just better rich
• If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going
• Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
• Gravity...it's not just a good idea.  It's the law.
• If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen
• Old age comes at a bad time
• First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
• If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
• The 50-50-90 rule Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
• Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
• Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.
• This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
• Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
• The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
• The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening.
• Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
• The other line always moves faster until you get in it.
• Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
• It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
• I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
• To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
• Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
• The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
• All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
• Our last fight was my fault My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"  I said, "Dust!"
• My wife's other car is a broom.
• There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
• It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
• Ignorance is Bliss!!  Why aren't you happy?
• There are many alternate uses for lipstick, like writing dirty jokes on men's urinals. Of course, after that you probably shouldn't investigate too many of those other uses.
• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
• Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
• Okay, okay, I take it back. Unfuck you
• The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
• Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
• My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
• Those who know don't tell. those who tell don't know.
• Every great movement must experience three stages ridicule, discussion, adoption.
• Education has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.
• Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
• University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
• It is better to be roughly right than to be precisely wrong.
• People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.
• If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it ?
• I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
• If a man thinks it is impossible to be wrong ALL the time, then he has never been married.
• When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
• Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
• Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you still don't want to get any on you.
• Each individual will be called to account in the hereafter for every pleasure he declined without sufficient cause.
• Experience without theory is blind, but theory without experience is mere intellectual play.
• In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. 
• We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough ?
• To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail.
• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
• It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
• Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
• You can't have everything, where would you put it?
• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• I'll sleep when I'm dead.
• My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
• What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
• I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
• Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
• Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. 
• The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work. 
• A clever man commits no minor blunders.
• At times I am amazed at how proportionally strong ants are, but then Iremember I can still step on them.
• My husband could have had any women he pleased--he just couldn't please any!
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
• Good habits are just as hard to break as bad ones.
• Beer The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
• The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
• I used to be into necrophilia and bestiality ...but then I realized I was just kicking a dead horse.
• Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
• The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
• Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
• If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
• I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
• Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. (chess)
• I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. 
• Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
• The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Added since 21st June 2000

• Money talks....it says good-bye.
• A vacation is a period of travel and relaxation when you take twice the
• clothes and half the money you need.
• Adults are just kids who owe money.
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
• The best way to cure your wife of a case of nerves is to tell her it's caused by advancing age.
• There are usually two sides to every argument, but no end.
• I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that.
• Most of us know how to say nothing...few of us know when.
• There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
• A pessimist is a man who gets a clean bill of health from his doctor, then goes to get a second opinion!
• A pessimist is somebody who's afraid that somewhere, somehow, someone's having a good time!
• The loudest snorer is always the first one to get to sleep.
• Social tact is making your company feel at home even though you wish they were.
• Smoking a cigarette won't send you to h*ll. It just makes you smell like you've been there.
• School days are the best days of your life...provided your children are old enough to go.
• Neurotics build air castles. Psychotics live in them.  Psychiatrists collect the rent.
• A pun is a form of humor that causes everyone to groan and is meant to punish the hearers.
• The trouble with opportunity is that it's always more recognizable going than coming.
• The man/woman who thinks he/she knows it all is a pain in the neck to those of us who really do.
• Earth is full. Go home.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
• This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
• I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
• You! Off my planet!
• Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
• The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
• I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
• Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
• I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
• Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery, why should I leave the house?
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
• There is always one more son-of-a-bitch than you counted on.
• You look like shit. Is that the style now?
• Does this condom make me look fat?
• It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
• I'm not tense.  Just terribly, terribly alert.
• Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense and the past perfect.
• Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
• An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
• Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
• Room service?  Send up a larger room.
• A child of five could understand this.  Fetch me a child of five.
• You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
• I must say that I find television very educational.  The minute somebody
• turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
• I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
• Why was I with her? She reminds me of you.  In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
• Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
• I fought the lawn and the lawn won

   

  Previous page

  Added on 02/08/99

  Added on 12/08/99

  Added on 21/03/00

  Added on 06/04/00

  Added on 21/06/00

  Next page

  ---

The Web Post Network