The Oneliners : Page 5

If you know some more good ones ....well let me know...

Added before 17th September '00 (previous page)
Added since 17th September '00

Added since 17th September August 2000

• Coffee, chocolate, men...some things are just better rich
• If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going
• Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
• Gravity...it's not just a good idea. It's the law.
• If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen
• Old age comes at a bad time
• First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
• If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
• Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
• Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.
• This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
• Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
• The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
• The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening.
• Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
• The other line always moves faster until you get in it.
• Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
• It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
• I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
• To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
• Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
• The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
• All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
• Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
• My wife's other car is a broom.
• There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
• It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
• Ignorance is Bliss!! Why aren't you happy?
• There are many alternate uses for lipstick, like writing dirty jokes on men's urinals. Of course, after that you probably shouldn't investigate too many of those other uses.
• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
• Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
• Okay, okay, I take it back. Unfuck you
• The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
• Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people tocarry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
• My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
• Those who know don't tell. those who tell don't know.
• Every great movement must experience three stages: ridicule, discussion, adoption.
• Education has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.
• Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
• University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
• It is better to be roughly right than to be precisely wrong.
• People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.
• If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it ?
• I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
• If a man thinks it is impossible to be wrong ALL the time, then he has never been married.
• When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
• Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

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