The Oneliners : Page 1

If you know some more good ones ....well let me know...

At the beginning
Added since 27/04/98
Added since 30/04/98
Added since 03/05/98
Added since 07/05/98
Added since 31/05/98
Added since 02/07/98 (next page)

My boss was a bastard, so I quit and I started to work for myself. My new boss is a bastard too, but at least I respect him.

At the beginning

• I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
• If you can't convince them, confuse them.
• Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
• Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
• There's no future in time travel.
• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
• Smith & Wesson -- the original point and click interface.
• Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
• Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
• Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!
• All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
• Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.
• Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!
• A good pun is it's own reword.
• Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don't take life too seriously: You're not getting out alive, anyway.
• I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
• Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer.
• I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
• To all you virgins... thanks for nothing.
• I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
• Help wanted -- telepathy: you know where to apply.
• Jesus paid for our sins... Now, lets get our money's worth!
• I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. Want it?
• WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
• God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.
• I said "NO" to drugs... but they just WOULDN'T listen.
• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
• Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
• When there's a Will, I want to be in it!
• Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump, and spill your drink.
• Elvis is dead, Mozart is dead, Einstein is dead, and I'm not feeling so marvelous myself.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Very funny, Scotty... Now beam down my clothes!
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• Keep Honking. I'm reloading.
• It's hard to plan for the future... When you're so damn busy fixing what you screwed up yesterday
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
• Born free... taxed to death.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• All men are idiots ... I married their king.
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
• IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
• I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• I love animals...they're delicious.
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
• I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• I souport publik edekasion
• 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Added on 27/04/1998

• If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called schizophrenia.
• Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
• A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."
• My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory
• My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain
• Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it
• I wonder how long it's gonna be before a feminist pilot refuses to enter the cockpit.
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Why do noses run and feet smell ?
• How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
• "An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
• "Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
• "In two words, impossible."
• "Include me out"
• When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies."
• "I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."
• "Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."
• "Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it."
• "Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success."
• The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it
• Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected
• A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
• I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name"
• Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
• I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people
• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
• Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron
• You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
• I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
• If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
• Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Added on 30/04/1998

• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
• When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily be reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• No matter how much you do, never do enough.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good
• I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
• Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
• 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Added on 03/05/98

• Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
• Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
• Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
• Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
• Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
• The light went out, but where to?
• Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
• If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
• When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
• Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
• Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
• Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
• Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
• War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left

Added on 07/05/98

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
• Death to all fanatics!
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• "I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving!"
• Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener
• A room temperature IQ
• Bright as Alaska in December
• So dense that light bends around him
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate
• If he were more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week
• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig
• Life is a terminal disease!
• It's been Monday all week.
• A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
• If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
• And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.
• During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Added on 31/05/1998

• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society
• Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with
• Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
• Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
• Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
• Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
• I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
• How much faith does it take to be an atheist?
• I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
• If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
• If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
• I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
• We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
• Discourage inbreeding; ban country music.
• To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group
• I haven't found Mr Right but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy and Mr Wrong
• It's Miss Bitch to you.
• I am so good in bed that when I have sex even the neighbors need a cigarette.
• If you shower in your clothes, it shows you're crazy. If you shower nude, it shows your nuts!!!
• If you don't like my driving, then get off the sidewalk!
• Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!
• Bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass
• Birthdays only come once a year ... aren't you glad you're not a birthday?
• To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run!
• Nosey little fucker, aren't you? (Written in really tiny writing)
• I am so broke, I can't even pay attention.
• I do what the voices in my head tell me.
• In God we trust. All others we monitor.
• Not all women are annoying ... some are dead.
• The nuns made me dress this way.
• Thank God for the IRS - Without them I'd be stinking rich!
• If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them
• Don't Piss me Off - i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
• Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, your it
• Do what you did when you were a kid: fly a kite, go fishing, hunt a dinosaur
• Don't steal.. The government does not like the competition.
• Women Like Simple Things In Life......Men!
• Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready
• It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
• I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
• I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
• Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
• Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
• If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
• When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It make the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
• Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
• Try a little kindness. As little as possible.
• If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
• Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.
• Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.
• A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
• If they lined up all the men in the world... it would be one goofy line.
• If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
• Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV. So I put the cat there.
• I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!"
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
• Guns don't kill people ... but they make it real easy
• The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.
• You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, as long as you don't have to go along.
• My friend told me he doesn't believe in superstition. He says that would be bad luck.
• If you are wondering what is wrong with the kids of today, take a look at their parents.
• Newt Gingrich is sympathetic minus the sym.
• Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
• Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
• Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch.
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• I love cats...they taste just like chicken
• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
• Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter
• First, let me say that no matter how bad you think life is,when you consider the alternative -- it ain't all that bad.
• The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls..t before.
• It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
• If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

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