here we go!
April 28
Jellybean
----*we got to go on a feildtrip for passing a statewide academic assessment test called TAAS. this happened during our free lunch*
Do Yang- "You can have some jellybeans if you want." *pushes his box of jellybellies down the table*
David-*grabs a handful and throws them into his mouth*
Jake- *As a small orange jellybean bounces across the table, Jake sees it out of the corner of his eye, hastily grabs it and pops it in his mouth.*
David-"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
*everyone turns around* "?"
Jake-"what?" *chew chew chew*
David-"That one fell out of my mouth!"
Jake-*panicking hocks the jellybean out behind the table meanwhile scraping his tongue and making a horrified gurgling/screaming noise while everyone else gags with uncontrollable laughter*
April 24
IMs Erin and Hershel
BoNgO 8374=Erin BeHeMoTh101=Hershel
BoNgO 8374: did you read foh twinny?
BeHeMoTh101: yeah
BeHeMoTh101: hahahahaha
BeHeMoTh101: but u haven't updated the comic part
BoNgO 8374: I haven't drawn any!
BeHeMoTh101: and get photos of cornell, doyang, and the sunmaid chick
BeHeMoTh101: get the sunmaid chick in there
BoNgO 8374: what?!
BeHeMoTh101: u know the story behind her?
BoNgO 8374: no.
BeHeMoTh101: the Sunmaid chick.. the chick on the box of raisons.. i feel oddly aroused by her because of the suggestion of fertility that the box of raisons makes.... since she has all this fruit near her
BoNgO 8374: LOLOLOLOLOLOL *gasp* LOLOLOLOL
BeHeMoTh101: kind of like why guys like boobs, its the hint of fertility
BoNgO 8374: um... i think You're the only one that cares about fertility
BeHeMoTh101: its a subconcious thing
BoNgO 8374: fruit?
BeHeMoTh101: hehehe
BeHeMoTh101: and on the box it says "FAST FRUIT", which we've nicknamed chris.. it's his track name
BoNgO 8374: AHAHHAHAHAHA
BeHeMoTh101: my track name is Hershel "The Candyman" Chapin
BoNgO 8374: why?
BeHeMoTh101: hershel=Hershey
BoNgO 8374: you know what?
BoNgO 8374: I know some people with horrible last names
BeHeMoTh101: johnson?
BoNgO 8374: the worst one was greaseydick
BeHeMoTh101: HAHAHAHA
BoNgO 8374: the second worst was lipscum
BeHeMoTh101: HAHAHAHA
BeHeMoTh101: you know Ross Dickey went out with a girl whose last name is Johnson... two penis last names.. a match made in heaven
BoNgO 8374: ummm. fruit?
BeHeMoTh101: no, straight.
BoNgO 8374: dickey is a definite bad name
BoNgO 8374: DICKEY!
BoNgO 8374: see what I mean?
BeHeMoTh101: did we tell you about the conversation about dickey being a unit of measurement?
BoNgO 8374: yes!
BeHeMoTh101: it will take 6 dickeys of force to move this rock
BoNgO 8374: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
BeHeMoTh101: i hit that wall with a thousand dickeys!
BoNgO 8374: Another bad name is "chapasse"
BeHeMoTh101: chapasse??? HAHAHAHA
BoNgO 8374: a thousand dickeys is the force of a bullet train!
BeHeMoTh101: OH GAWD!
BeHeMoTh101: hehehehehe
BoNgO 8374: And then there was Micheal Fuch
BoNgO 8374: which just looked bad
BeHeMoTh101: hahaha
BoNgO 8374: and my friend Chia Dbouti (Boo-tee)
BeHeMoTh101: hahahaa
BeHeMoTh101:
Ross- Ok, at the 101X Springfest, there was this intermission where this big fat guy got on the stage wearing nothing but a red rubber elephant head as underwear. And i had pushed my way all the way to the front (only to lose my hearing)
Hershel: that was funny as hell and utterly revolting at the same time
Ross: i asked the security guard if he could get that guy off the stage. he said that he wished he could, but cant. he also said that he didn't want to touch the man.
BoNgO 8374: hehe
BoNgO 8374: that's about as nasty as boob pasta in alfredo sauce
BeHeMoTh101: HAHAHAHAHA
BeHeMoTh101: hey i LIKE boob pasta
BeHeMoTh101: i have to shave the left side of my face real quick hang on
BoNgO 8374: uhhh ok
BoNgO 8374: that was about as random as jamie's trademark midphoneconvo "hold on while I pull my pants up"
BoNgO 8374: what's your away message?
Auto response from BeHeMoTh101: ok... so i'm like shaving the left side of my face, cuz this goddamned hair keeps growing in the same spot right on a mole and i really don't like to start playing with it [the hair] all of a sudden during my chemistry test tomorrow.
BeHeMoTh101: hey
BoNgO 8374: *snort*
BeHeMoTh101: i start playing w/ this really long hair subconciously during tests.. so the day before tests i shave my left side of my face
BoNgO 8374: AHAHHAHHAHAHHA!!!!!
BeHeMoTh101: it keeps growing in the same spot every day
BeHeMoTh101: its terrible
BoNgO 8374: that's horribly funny
BeHeMoTh101: its the only black hair on my body besides on the top of my head
BeHeMoTh101: and the one on my arm
BeHeMoTh101: my body hair is weird ass... like that really extra long leg hair i had
BoNgO 8374: one hehe
BoNgO 8374: on your thigh?
BoNgO 8374: that about killed me
BeHeMoTh101: it kept gettin caught in doors and shit
BeHeMoTh101: yeah
BoNgO 8374: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
April 23
Guys
Hershel-"girls are really caddy, they overcomplicate things real easily."
Kristen-"yeah, guys are real layed back they just go 'MAH POOP SMELLS, DURRRRRR"
May 6
Catherine the Graped
Hershel-"the only way catherene the great, czarina of russia could get off was to have sex with a horse. I'm not kidding!"
*everyone gasp*
Hershel-"I'm not kiddin, she actually had to have a horse lowered onto her by pulley. One day the pulley broke and the horse actually fell on top of her. You know how they explained her death to the court? "
*attentive silence*
Hershel-" 'riding accident ' true story!"
April 22
Easter?!
Hershel-" Bret and her have always been friends, but she's a christian freak. She sorta hated him when she found out he was jewish. She calls him at like 2 in the morning saying she wants to save his immortal soul and crap. The other day she goes 'so what are you doing for passover. what is so important about that anyway?' and he makes little quote signs with his fingers and goes 'well what are you doing for the resurrection of 'christ'?" Then she told on him and the teacher came over and started yelling, 'how dare you bring christianity into this school young man!' and wouldn't give him a chance to talk until finally he says, TO HELL WITH CHRISTIANITY! and ross and I laughed our asses off."
Erin-"haha. yeah, my bus driver asked me what I was doing for easter. I told him I was buddhist, i mean, it's not like i'm a liberal. it's in my family on my mom's side. they're korean! and then he gave me a look like 'pagan scum!' and since he knows I'm vegetarian he goes '...well, I'm going to eat me some black angus beef today!'."
Hershal-"what an ass."
Erin-"yeah, easter's only about rabbits and sex with chickens anyway."
Hershel-".... ?"
April 20
Foh Twinny
*guest appearance by Kyle*
Erin-"So... what are you doing for FOH TWINNY?"
Kyle-"heh heh heh heh....hehehehe. heh."
Erin-"well?"
Kyle-"I'm gonna get sooo wasted."
--Coach Garis-"Everybody take out a sheet of paper and number it one through ten..."
Kyle-"what day is it?"
Erin-"uhhhh... kyle?"
Kyle-"hehehe oh yeah... ...man, tonight I'm going to get so wasted."
Erin-"you already said that! haha."
Kyle-"Tonight I'm walking death row-"
Erin-"death row?"
Kyle-"yep. Check this out. My friend's got this banquet table lined up, and on top of it, there's a five inch bong, then a one foot bong, then a 2 foot, 3 foot, 4 foot, and a six foot, with pipes inbetween."
Erin-"daaaaaamn. ...you're going to pass out!"
Kyle-"that's why they call it death row!"
--------*Kyle actually did pass out when he got to the monster bong*
April 17
The Moment
---removed because it made Do-Yang mad. ;_;
his response to it was "Erin, did you post that discussion?" *as I'm nodding he punches me in the shoulder and shouts," You suck ass! now everybody knows what I said!"
April 18
Feeling it Young Grand Masta Style
Hershal- "... alright, in my fantasies, three girls, max."
David- *shakes his head* "no man... you've gotta be like me, zen porn master. This whole lunchroom is my playground, all at once. I can pick and choose."
Hershal- "..." *eyes widen*
Jake- "..." *eats spagetti*
Hershal- *jokingly awed voice* "Thank you sex guru for enlightening me with your vast knowledge."
Do Yang- *looks confused*
David- *Nods, grinning*
Hershal- "Is there anything else you can teach me master?"
David- *thinks for a moment and then holds up an empty hand* "Snatch the condom from my hand, grasshopper."
March 30, 2001 (instant messenger session) The Bet
----3 weeks and 5 days ago, Hershel made a bet not to please himself for 4 whole weeks. Each of us pooled money for or against wether or not he would hold out all four weeks. Here he is Im'ming his friend Aaron on the subject. What's funnier is that Aaron didn't get even one joke in this convo!
---Hershel=BeHeMoTh101
---Aaron=IMPERIALDooM
IMPERI4LDooM:hay, is your drought up yet?
BeHeMoTh101:2more days
IMPERI4LDooM:what is it?
BeHeMoTh101:what is what
IMPERI4LDooM:are you going to get married to your right hand in two days?
BeHeMoTh101:yes.. together we will be unstoppable
BeHeMoTh101:I like your icon btw
IMPERI4LDooM:you are perverted
BeHeMoTh101:and so are you
BeHeMoTh101:i respect that
IMPERI4LDooM:no, i am not the one that lives off of my hand
BeHeMoTh101:my hand is none of your business
IMPERI4LDooM:i know
BeHeMoTh101:my hand could kick your hand's ass
BeHeMoTh101:wait.. lemme rethink that one
IMPERI4LDooM:i don't want to know anything about you and your fucking of your hand
BeHeMoTh101:ok.
BeHeMoTh101:so sup.
IMPERI4LDooM:i don't want you to ever get your hand within an arm's radius of me
BeHeMoTh101:I'll make sure to give you a nice pat on the back monday
IMPERI4LDooM:You and luarie are the only ones under this rule.
BeHeMoTh101:and this rule consists of:
IMPERI4LDooM:Both of you have to stay outside of an arms radius of me.
IMPERI4LDooM:You both can't control yourselves
BeHeMoTh101:why what's wrong w/ Luarie?
IMPERI4LDooM:He tried to hit my nuts remember
IMPERI4LDooM:By the way, this is Aaron
IMPERI4LDooM:Talk pervert!
BeHeMoTh101:i see
BeHeMoTh101:hi
IMPERI4LDooM:Are you busy right now
BeHeMoTh101:no
IMPERI4LDooM:You know what I meen
IMPERI4LDooM:mean
BeHeMoTh101:i told you no
IMPERI4LDooM:I'm sorry, your still on your drought.
BeHeMoTh101:that's correct sir
IMPERI4LDooM:Normal people only do it about every two months, not every two hours.
BeHeMoTh101:every 2 months? you're kidding me. Only girls can do that without being gay
BeHeMoTh101:guys i will tolerate if you only do it twice a week. if you do it any less i'm concerned about you
IMPERI4LDooM:Your a perverted anti-social freak who will probably be lucky to get a date before hes 50.
IMPERI4LDooM:you are fucking screwed up, it means that you would rather substitute your hand instead of chicks
IMPERI4LDooM:that would never happen to me
BeHeMoTh101:cuz you get chicks all the time of course
IMPERI4LDooM:its girls only
IMPERI4LDooM:yeah
IMPERI4LDooM:like tons more than you
BeHeMoTh101:you get chicks? that's real funny
BeHeMoTh101:I wonder what kinda chicks. like if there's anything missing/wrong with them
IMPERI4LDooM:hmm, nothing wrong with them, for one thing, their vagina doesn't consist of a hand
BeHeMoTh101:well you can't have everything
IMPERI4LDooM:yes, no more gayness, no more hand
March 2, 2001
Mighty Morphin' Porno Rangers
- It's a well-known secret at our table that all guys have SECRET GUY ABILITIES. These abilities range from realativly minor things to full grown malebilities. It sounds stupid, but it's true. Here's what we've got so far...
- David: Secret guy abilities- He can chug large amounts of liquid. Jolt cola seems to be a favorite.
-------- full grown malebility- Can sense porn, no matter where he goes.
- Hershel: Can tell what underwear a girl is wearing by looking at her. This ability is a liability because, well... what happens if he looks at his mom?
-------- full grown malebility- can sometimes tell what color they have on as well
- Jake: Can be completely unaroused. This ability is best seen when a good looking girl passes our table, and while everyone else looks at her, he steals our food.
- Chris: Aside from being more hyperactive then David, no super powers.
- Do-Yang: Somehow can act more like a bum then David truly is. He can also keep an accent for around four years.
- Erin: Has no guy powers. She is not a guy. She can, however, do things that leave us unable to breath because of laughter.
January 25, 2001
- Perfect Murder Plan (As concocted by David and Erin):
- 1. Shave Hair (Yeah, all of it. We said all of it. Make sure to have a sharp razor)
- 2. Remove Clothing (Get nekked, in other words)
- 3. Roll around in Vasline (Kinky, huh?)
- 4. Dry a Pollack (It's a big friggen fish)
- 5. Take Pollack (It's now a big friggen fish-club)
- 6. Run to person's house (nekked)
- 7. Kidnap person, while nekked, without being seen (Helps if your a ninja. or a Gideon)
- 8. Kill person with dried Pollack (Might take a little while)
- 9. Eat said Pollack (Rinse off blood first)
- 10. Bury body (Or, if your a real sicko, eat the body too)
- 11. YOU'RE FREE YOU'RE FREE! NO FORENSIC EVIDENCE WILL EVERY TIE YOU TO THE MURDER!!!!!
December 17, 2000 (on the phone) MERRY CHRISTMAS, JEW
-Erin: Hi Hershel
-Hershel: there are these goddamn kids running around my house in a tractor train with santa. i can't fucking study!
-Erin: AHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA
-Hershel: I'm gonna throw money at them, hold on. *goes outside* I've got like five dollars in pennies.
-Erin: HAHAHAHAHAHA
-Hershel: Dammit! there's kids everywhere! I can't do it.
-Erin: Do it ya wus!
-Hershel: I'll hide in the bush. shhh, quiet! they're coming!... Dammit! where are they coming from?! ...They're coming from the left! Shhh!
-Erin: hahaha
-Hershel: ...dammit, that was just my neighbors. ...It was funny, earlier one of the kids dropped his ball and was whining to his mom to go get it and I ran out and grabbed it!
-Erin: HAHAHAHHAHA YOU ASSHOLE! AHAHHAHAHAHA
-Hershel:SHH! there they are! Wait! *runs off*
*long pause during which Erin IMs David.
Urban13eatnik: hi erin.
Bongoshock: wait. I'm talking to hershel.
Urban13eatnik: about what?
Bongoshock: read this.. Auto response from BeHeMoTh101: If you didn't already know, today is collassol asshole day. For my contribution, I'm throwing shit at a nearby train filled w/ small children that's being driven by santa claus. God damn, they think it's christmas those punks.
urban13eatnik: This is David's father. His mother and I do not appreciate the turn this chat is taking. He will not be allowed back in
Erin-*inner monologue "oh shit."
*hershel comes back*
-Hershel: *panting* I cut my arm jumping the fence.
-Erin: Did you get them?
-Hershel: I killed santa!! HAHAAHAHAHA
-Erin:HAHAHAHHAHA
-Hershel: one of those kids goes, "it's the guy! hey guy!" hahaha
-Erin: ahahahhaha. You're going to hell.
-Hershel: I AM! You know how in Dante's Inferno Judas and Cassius are in his mouth? I'm going straight up his butt. But for once i get to say that I kicked santa's ass for all those other jews who didn't have the chance to do it themselves! They'll kiss my feet at school. hahaha.
-Erin: HAHAHHAHAHA
-Hershel: oh man.... I just realized how stupid that all was...
-Erin: AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. We gotta tell everyone at lunch.
December 16th, 2000 (On the Phone)
-Erin: haha, yeah that's funny, hey, I gotta give the phone to my sister's friend Shannon. She left her inhaler at her dad's and she's gonna have an asthma attack from laughing.
-Hershel: I had bad asthma as a kid! I can fix this! Lemme do it!
-Erin: No no no-
-Hershel: No! listen! Tell her to cross her toes and sit on her feet.
-Erin: *can't hear over static* what?! Shannon! Cross your nose and sit on your knees quick!
-Hershel: No wro--
-Shannon: *having an asthma attack from laughing*
-Erin: AHHHHH!
-Hershel: AHH! Tell her to cross her toes and sit on her feet!
-Erin: Cross your toes and sit on your feet!
-Shannon: *does as instructed while choking*
-Erin: what now!?
-Hershel: then-
-Erin: then-
-Hershel: tell her to-
-Erin: hurry! lick your finger and stick it in your ear!
-Hershel: NOOOOO!!!!! hahahaha
-Shannon: *turns blue laughing*
-Hershel: You ass! you'll kill her! hahahaha
-Erin: hahahaha
December 16th, 2000 (at the theater)
-Erin:*reading the screen* 'would you notice a big fish in a big pond?" Well maybe if it was a biiiiiig fish.
-David: or a biiiiig pond
-Erin: OR a biiiiig fish
-David: You already said that
-Erin: I know- it's like... What came first, the chicken or the egg?
-David: the Rooster!
-Erin:.... You're going to hell
December 14th, 2000
- Hershel: Thermal Underwear!
- Erin: *looks up* What? Thermal Underwear?
- Jake: ...
- Do-Yang: *sigh*
- Hershel: You never heard of thermal underwear?
- Erin: What if you have a fire in your pants?
- David: You mean you don't?
- *stunned silence*
- David: What?
Rare moment of Do-yang Kim's sacred Knowledge
- David, Stop graping your orange!
December 8th, 2000
- David: Hey Erin, check it out! *Holds up a malformed M&M with a bulge on one side* It's a peanut M&M and its happy to see you!
- Erin: Oh my God! The M&M has a boner!
- Hershel: What?
- Jake: ... *eats lunch*
- David: It's a peanut M&M and it's happy to see you, Hershel. *flashes the M&M*
- Hershel & Erin: HAHAHAHAHA
- Erin: That's so wrong!
- Jake: ...
- David: Ha ha, yeah it is...
- Jake: *suddenly grabs peanut M&M and rips off the bulge part, drops both of them on the table*
- David: What the hell?
- Hershel: *cringes* You broke it! You broke it off!
- Jake: *eats the part he tore off, shrugs* It's just an M&M.
- Hershel: You ate the penile part!!!!
- Erin: *bored* What's another funny word?
- Hershel: Junk!
- Erin: What??
- Hershel: Junk. It means penis.
- David: Dick and balls, actually... *sips on his coke*
- Erin: So when someone says 'and junk' they're actually really meaning 'and dick and balls'?
- Hershel and David at the same time: Yep.
- Erin: So when a chinese junk comes to America, there are immigrants riding a dick & balls to America?
- David: Yeah. And the balls are what keeps it afloat.
- Erin: What happens when they bust a nut?
- Hershel: *almost snorts his sprite out of his nose, somehow sensing what's coming*
- Jake: ...
- David: *shrugs, finishes off the coke* They sink, of course.
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