The following is the first part of a collection of stories and anecdotes about clueless computer users. It's a baffling phenomenon that in today's society an individual who might in other circumstances be considered smart and wise, can sit down in front of a computer screen and instantly lose every last shred of common sense he ever possessed. Complicate this phenomenon with a case of "computerphobia" or "cyberphobia" and you end up with tech support personnel having phone conversations that are funny in retrospect but seem like perfectly valid motives for wild machine gun shooting sprees at the time. You will read stories in this file that will convince you that among the human race are human-shaped brussel sprouts futilely attempting to break the highly regarded social convention that vegetables should not operate electronic equipment. And yet, amidst the vast, surging quantities of stupidity are perfectly excusable technological mishaps -- but that are amusing nonetheless. After all, even the best of us engages in a little brainless folly every once in a while.
Most of these stories are true while some are created in order to provide more "uumph" in this section. A few of them happened to me personally. Some happened to friends of mine. Some are considered urban legends, but even most of these are more likely to have happened to someone or another. Skeptics look at such stories and doubt their truth. But reason, common sense and experience shows that if you sit someone (even a smart someone) down in front of a computer who isn't computer literate, you're bound to accrue anecdotes no less outrageous than the following. You'll be surprised.
User:
Hey, can you help me? My program doesn't work.
Consultant:
What is the problem? Are you using Turbo Pascal?
User:
Yes, the program just blocks the machine.
Consultant:
Well, does it compile?
User:
I don't know -- it just doesn't run. You see? There's the EXE file. If
you run it, it blocks the machine.
Consultant:
And where is your source, the PAS file?
User:
I wrote it and renamed it to EXE so it could run.
_____
A customer walked into the computer store I work in, wanting to return a computer.
Me:
Are you sure it is defective?
User:
No, that's not the problem. When I took it home and turned it on, I realized
it was only half programmed.
Me:
[scratching head] What do you mean by half programmed?
User:
Well, look at the computer on display [points to the Windows 95 desktop].
Do you see how all the programs are on the left side of the computer?
Me:
[biting tongue] Well, you are right. I'll get it fix for you.
The
moron had to solve his life before he could buy a computer.
_____
Stupidity is not limited to customers. Tech support personnel can be hopeless too sometimes. My friend had a problem with using his PPP connection through Linux. The data transfers were fine at times but not at others. He played with it for a while, then he finally called the help desk. He was on hold for twenty minutes, then:
Tech
Support: Hi. How can I help you?
Friend:
Hi. I'm trying to hook up my linux box via PPP, and I'm running into some
problems. It works fine under 95, but I can't seem to get it to connect
right under Linux. I can resolve hostnames and even --
Tech
Support: Um, sir -- what kind of computer is it?
Friend:
IBM compatible. Specifically, an ****.
Tech
Support: Ok -- what happens when you try running Trumpet Winsock?
My friend slaps his forehead.
Friend:
This is Linux. It doesn't run Trumpet Winsock.
Tech
Support: Oh - it's a DOS program?
Friend:
No. It's an operating system. Trumpet runs fine under 95.
Tech
Support: Well, have you tried running this program under Windows 95 then?
Friend:
No, it is an operating system. It doesn't run under another operating system.
Tech
Support: Oh. Ok, so what happens when you try to run Winsock under it?
Murderous thoughts are going through my friend's head. After a couple more exchanges back and forth, she finally understands that Winsock won't run on Linux for some weird reason.
Friend:
So can I get an incident number so I can talk to a tech?
Tech
Support: Sure. I just need to get some info from you.
She gets down his name, room number, phone number, computer type and brand, then it gets interesting again.
Tech
Support: Ok, so is this under Windows 3.1 or Windows 95?
Friend:
Neither. It's Linux.
Tech
Support: Which type of Windows does it run under then?
Friend:
Neither! It runs on its own!
Tech
Support: Oh!!! Oh! I'm sorry, in that case we can't help you. We only support
Windows 3.1 and Windows 95.
Friend:
WHAT?!?
Tech
Support: Sorry. That's all we're currently supporting. Have a nice day.
[click]
_____
During a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up and left the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the professor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time, I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. The I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the..." the teacher said. I continue to type, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got upset and said, "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" All that I could do was to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and computer went on for another amazing five minutes.
Me:
Don't touch me!
Her:
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard.
Me:
Who do you think you are anyway?!
etc...etc...etc...
Finally,
I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I have done, their faces both turned red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
_____
Many
people have asked me where the "any" key is on their keyboards when the
"Press Any Key" message is displayed.
_____
Tech
Support: Is the capslock light on?
Customer:
I'm not a computer person.
_____
I was
helping an executive-type over the phone with a VMS command. I kept giving
him a command to type, something like "whois xyz1234". He kept getting
an error back. Finally, I asked him to read exactly what he was typing,
letter-by-letter, "w-h-o-i-s-s-p-a-c-e-x-y-z-1-2-3-4". I told him to type
a blank instead of the word "space." He then asked me how to do that. Trying
not to laugh, I explained what that long key at the bottom of the keyboard
is for.
_____
Tech
Support: Now press the spacebar.
Customer:
Return bar?
Tech
Support: No, space bar. Space.
Customer:
I have an enter bar, return bar, and a shift key?
Tech
Support: No, space. Space bar. The long horizontal key.
Customer:
[confused sounds]...Errr...
Tech
Support: Ok, see your c, v, b, n, and m keys?
Customer:
Yes....
Tech
Support: Right under them.
Customer:
Oh.
_____
Customer:
Is that the letter zero or the number zero?
_____
Tech
Support: Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V'
as in Victor, and the number '7
Customer:
Is that a capital or a small '7?
_____
I saw
a woman sitting patiently at her desk, staring directly at her monitor,
doing nothing. Figuring something was up, I looked over her shoulder to
see that she had typed her name on the command line. I asked what she was
waiting for and her reply was that she was waiting for the computer to
log her on. Only problem, she hadn't hit the "LOG ON" key. She'd have sat
there all day.
_____
Another
friend called in one day with an installation problem. I talked him through
the process of getting to a DOS prompt and asked him to type, "D I R Space
A Colon" and press Enter. I heard 5 slow erratic key clicks followed by
a very long pause. Finally, he asked, "What's the colon look like?" I told
him it's the key with one dot below another dot. "Oh!" he exclaimed, "The
two-dots key! Why didn't you say so?"
_____
A user
called me with problems installing her PC Access and it sounded like it
might be a defective floppy, so I had her get to a DOS prompt. I told her
to type "D I R Space A Colon" and press Enter. After a long pause she asked,
"Do you want anything in that space?"
_____
Tech
Support: Type "D I R Space A Colon".
Customer:
Is there a space after "space"?
_____
It's really bad when the computer does something stupid. Presumably, the programmers of the operating system or system software would know better. Many computers are known to report the following error message when the keyboard is not plugged in:
"Error #101: No keyboard. Press F1 to continue."
In the case where the mouse is not plugged in:
"Mouse not detected. Click left mouse button to continue."
...or some variation thereof.
Customer:
What am I getting a keyboard/mouse error for? The keyboard/mouse isn't
even plugged in!"
_____
Email from a friend:
"CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
_____
Tech
Support: Ok, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings
up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to
bring up the Program Manager.
Customer:
I don't have a "P".
Tech
Support: On your keyboard.
Customer:
What do you mean?
Tech
Support: "P" on your keyboard.
Customer:
I'm not going to do that!
_____
My
friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young
woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed
across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed
that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping
her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time!
I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
_____
Newbie:
So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?
Me:
Yeah.
Newbie:
And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?
Me:
Uhh...uh...uh...yeah.
_____
Customer:
"I have a problem with Usenet news."
Tech
Support: "Um, sir, you shouldn't be calling me in the first place, send
mail to support--"
Customer:
"But this is very important, and maybe affecting a lot of subscribers!
Please listen to me."
Tech
Support: (well, he did say please) "Ok, what's the problem?"
Customer:
"There's nothing interesting on Usenet. It's all mindless crap, and as
one of the larger Internet providers, you must take liability for this!"
_____
I work at the computer store on a campus. A few weeks ago, we had a customer call in and ask the following:
Customer:
I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?
_____
Over heard in a University store:
Customer:
Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?
_____
I work
for a prominent online service and was talking with a fellow employee.
He asked me where he could find QuickTime for Windows. I told him to try
apple.com. He had a puzzled look on his face for several seconds. Then
he meekly said, "You do mean the net site, right?" I said, "What else could
I mean?" He replied, "I thought you meant something like command.com --
the DOS file."