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This call took more than 45 minutes, in case you wanted to know why there are hold times on support numbers.  

Customer: I haven't had sound for about a month. 
Tech Support: What kind of speakers do you have? 
Customer: They are stereo. 
Tech Support: Ok, do they plug into the wall? 
Customer: No. 
Tech Support: So they are the little boxes that don't attach to the monitor? 
Customer: [angrily] Yes! 
Tech Support: Ok, let's see if maybe the speakers are the problem. Do you have a music CD? 
Customer: Yes. 
Tech Support: Would you go get it? 
Customer: Sure [clunk clunk clunk]. Do you want one that came with the computer? 
Tech Support: No, I need a music CD. 
Customer: I think 'The Animals' has music. 
Tech Support: Ok, maybe I am being unclear, I need a regular CD not a cdrom -- one you buy at a music store. 
Customer: I have a Garth Brooks CD, but I bought it at a swap meet. 
Tech Support: That's great; that CD will work. 
Customer: I go to swap meets all the time to get great deals on stuff. We don't ever go to the music stores.  

We get the CD playing with AudioStation, but there's no sound.  

Tech Support: Ok, let's check the volume. 
Customer: I already checked the damn volume when it stopped making sound a month ago! 
Tech Support: I understand. Let's just double check it real quick.  

The volume level turns out ok, and the sound's not muted.  

Customer: I'll just turn it all the way up.... Nope, can't hear a damn thing. 
Tech Support: It looks like you are ok there, now let's check those speakers. 
Customer: "Ok, but you might as well replace the whole damn thing right now. 
Tech Support: I'll be happy to replace anything that needs replacing. I just want to make sure we get everything working for you. 
Customer: All right. 
Tech Support: Now those speakers...they are all hooked up? The left connects to the right and then the right connects to the computer? 
Customer: [obviously without checking] Yup. 
Tech Support: Ok. And they are turned off right? 
Customer: ...Listen to me you little...  

A three minute profanity/threat combo was bombarded to the Tech Suppport.  

Customer: ...Of course they are turned on!! Now you-- 
Tech Support: Whoa, slow down a sec...I WANT you to turn them to the off position, please.  

Country music blares. The rest of the conversation takes place shouting over it.  

Customer: Heck son, I don't believe it! What was the problem? 
Tech Support: The batteries must be dead.  
_____  

Customer: Look, look!!!!! Look what it's doing!!! Can you BELIEVE this?? Why is it doing that?? 
Tech Support: Sir, I can't see your computer, what is it doing? 
Customer: WHAT??? Can't you figure it out?? LOOK AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!!!! You can see it, can't you?!  
_____  

This was a really slow caller:  

Tech Support: Thank you for calling; how may I help you? 
Customer: Ummm...it doesn't work.  

Direct and to the point, but just a touch vague. So Tech Support prodded him for more information about his problem.  

Tech Support: What does not work? 
Customer: Ummm...the program doesn't work. 
Tech Support: Could you please be more specific? Was there a error message? 
Customer: Yes.  

Tech Support waited a moment, thinking that he would continue on his own. But he didn't.  

Tech Support: And the message was? 
Customer: Something about a GPF. 
Tech Support: Are you in front of the computer now? 
Customer: No. 
Tech Support: Can you get in front of the computer? 
Customer: I guess; let me get out of bed.  

Shuffling. Stepping downstairs.  

Tech Support: Are you still there? 
Customer: Yeah, I have to go downstairs and turn on the computer.  

This guy has a 386-25 with 2 megs of RAM loading Windows. It takes about five minutes to boot up his machine.  

Tech Support: Ok, are you in Windows? 
Customer: Uhhhh...almost....  

Pause.  

Tech Support: Ok, are you in Windows? 
Customer: Uhhhh...almost....  

Pause.  

Customer: Ok. 
Tech Support: Ok, you are in Windows, can you get into the program for me please? 
Customer: How do I do that? 
Tech Support: Just the way you normally do. 
Customer: I don't remember. It's late, and I'm tired. Step me through it. 
Tech Support: Double click on the icon for the program please. 
Customer: Where is that?  

Tech Support slowly drops his head to the desk. Finally, Tech Support get him to start another application and wait three minutes for the software to load. Tech Support is now fifteen minutes into this call and normally average three and a half.  

Tech Support: Ok, can you duplicate the problem for me? 
Customer: Uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm.........no. 
Tech Support: Why not? 
Customer: I don't remember where it happened. 
Tech Support: "I'm afraid I really won't able to help unless I know the error message and where it occured. You will need to recreate the message and call us back with that information. Customer: But I waited so long to talk to you, you people really need to be faster if you expect people to use your service. It takes too long to talk to you. You will lose customers unless you speed it up. 
Tech Support: Thanks for calling, bye-bye.  
_____  

Tech Support: Ok, type "cd windows". 
Customer: Right. 
Tech Support: What does it say? Customer: It says "see colon slash greater-than see dee windows". 
Tech Support: [sigh] Press return. 
Customer: Ok, it says "see colon slash windows slash greater-than". 
Tech Support: Right, do a dir. 
Customer: Uh...how? 
Tech Support: Type "dir". 
Customer: It says "see colon slash windows slash greater-than dir". 
Tech Support: [adding teethmarks to the phone] Press return! 
Customer: Ok, it says lots of different things, and then, "see colon slash windows slash greater-than". Oh, and there's always a flashy line after the greater-than; did I mention that?  
_____  

My friend once received a call from a woman with a heavy, throaty, not-real-educated-or-bright voice from New York. She asked....  
Customer: ...new tape, ya know, the plasticky thingie I got in the mail...does that work even if I don't put it in my compoota?? 
Tech Support: No, ma'am, the software does not work unless it is installed on to your hard drive. 
Customer: But this isn't soft...this is a small hard plastic square... 
Tech Support: Yes, ma'am, that's called software, and you need to insert it into the disk drive to use it. 
Customer: Look, lady, I'm not stupid -- this isn't soft -- and I don't appreciate you making fun of me. [click]  
_____  

Tech Support: Sir, open up your System Folder and find the Launcher Items folder. 
Customer: I don't have a Systems Folder.  

My patience with such customers was wearing thin. After a short pause:  

Tech Support: It's in your hard disk, sir. You must have one, or else your computer wouldn't start properly. 
Customer: Hard disk, hard disk...hmmm -- is that little rectangle in the top right? 
Tech Support: Yes. 
Customer: Ok, but mine doesn't say 'Hard Disk.' It's just labeled with a period. How did that happen? 
Tech Support: Well, you can name it anything you want, perhaps yours was named accidentally. 
Customer: Oh. What now? 
Tech Support: Open your System Folder. 
Customer: I don't have a systems folder. Oh, oh, here it is! Ok, ok, I'm opening the Systems Envelope now.  

And after an excruciating 30 minutes of how to make an alias and reminding him that he truly did have a System Folder (or, as he called it, an "Envelope") and where it was, we got his new software on the Launcher.  

Ten minutes later he called Tech Support back and me how he had written down the directions to the "Systems Envelope" so he could put more programs on his Launcher. One of the programs didn't work, however, and after another 45 minutes of sheer hell, TechSupport told him we needed to send him some new floppies.  

Customer: Hey, can you send me a dozen apples too? My wife would like to make a pie. Ha ha! Apples. Get it? Macintoshes? Ha ha. Don't you get it?  

If he had a button on my phone to administer electro-shock to this man, he would have.  

Tech Support: Yes sir, I do.