101 Things Not To Say During
Sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me
up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell
something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is
dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn
never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9.
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes
me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2:
Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by
the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do
you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On
second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was
really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for
mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains,
okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21.
(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22.
Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my
make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I
just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I
just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I
thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30.
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a
trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr.
Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think
you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel
good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it
belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is
that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my
pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish
we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the
waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44.
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt
Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more
endurance...
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48.
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This
would be more fun with a few more people...
50. You're almost as good
as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52.
That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten
potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're
just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping
stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57.
Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a
sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay
is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered
liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you
dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I
have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a
duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67.
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging
sculpture?
69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I
mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who
actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet,
dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who
you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care
of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah
Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer
for this please
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q:
You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When
would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I
thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you
seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very
good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in
bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone
calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you
have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a
Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least
ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum
jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light
sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The
Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old
girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96.
I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it
going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my
sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a
raise...
100.How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101.You
mean you're NOT my blind
date?
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