Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated "Arghh!"
What does a dentist want?

The tooth,the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
So I says to my wife with one leg, "Peg" I says.....

Q: Why can't women measure??
A: Because men always told them that this[------------]is 6 inches.


What did the traffic light say to the the other traffic light?
Don't look I'm changing!!!!!!!!!

For some the glass is half full.
For others the glass is half empty.
For me the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A. There's one less drunk at the funeral.

Q: Why did the cucumuber blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!

It's not the size of the ship that counts, It's the motion in the ocean.

Welcome to Compton! Where your 21st birthday may be your last.
Welcome to Compton! Where you feel lucky if you know your
baby's daddy.

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs,under a
pile of leaves?
A:Rustle

Q:What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the
other?

A:Illeen

Q.What is long, hard, and full of seamen?
A Submarine!

Eagles can soar but have you ever seen a weasle get sucked into a jet-engine?

Q:What has lots of balls and screws old ladies?
A:A BINGO Machine!

why do they call it tourist season if we can't shoot them...

Q: What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
A: Half a cat

what's the first thing adam said to eve.......................stand back I don't know how big this thing gets

What do you call a cow with no legs???????
Answer: ground beef

I found a note on my windscreen the other day,
it said 'parking fine', I thought 'thats nice'

The police arrested two kids the other day,
one for playing wwith fireworks, and one for stealing a
battery.
They charged one, and let the other one off

The guy who invented the hokey pokey died yesterday....yeahh its sad isnt it...the bad thing was that they couldnt get him in his coffin cuz he has his right hand in and his left hand out..

Q:Were do people with one leg go to eat?
A:IHOP

What is blue and fuzzy?
Blue fuzz!

Q. What does Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in commom?
A. They both say enter Bill here please.

If at first you don't succeed--then sky diving is definitely not for you!
What do Mice have for breakfast
Mice Krispies

Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?
A: If we pull together we can stop this crap!

What does Pamella Anderson fear the most in life?
Accupuncture!

How many irish men does it take to change the light bulb?
Four: 1 to hold the light bulb and 3 to drink till' the room spins!!!

When i was kidnapped my parents snapped into action !!!they rented out my room
DAM... Mothers,Aginst,Dislexia

How many men does it take to make popcorn?
Four. One to hold the pan and three to show off by shaking the stove.

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Dam

I'm trying to see from your point of view,but I just can't seem to stick my head that far up my ass!

Why do brides wear white? So they can blend in with the kitchen

Never pet a burning dog.
Never pee into the wind.

What is the diffrence between a dog and a bear?

FIVE BEERS!



Q:What do call a dog with no back legs and steel balls
A:Sparky

Why did the fish cross the sea??????
To get to the other TIDE :) !!!!!!!!!!

There once was a man who had a son. This was no ordinary son though, he was only a head. On the heads 18th birthday his father took him to a bar to get his first drink. Well they get into the bar and heads father orders a beer for the both of them. As head finished his drink something strange began to happen, he started to grow a chest. Seeing this his father quickly ordered another drink for his son . No sooner than he finished that drink he grew two arms. At this time people in the bar began to notice what was happening,and the bartender in shock from this put up a round on the house for the young man. And just like before as soon as he drank the beer he grew legs thus turning him into a complete person. The boys father by now was estatic and quickly ordered a shot of whiskey for his son. The boy drank and "POOF" he disappeared. Everybody was in shock of what had just happened, and the boys father fell to his knees crying o'lord what have I done. Right about then somrbody at the back of the bar spoke up and said "HE SHOULD HAVE QUIT WHILE HE WAS A HEAD".
God bless you, because i don't have the time!

Q: Why do women bitch so much?
A: They don't burp, fart, or snore. If they didn't bitch they would blow up!

I had a dyslextic girl friend in Idaho until she wrote me a John Deere letter.

Husband: "Will you love me when I grow old and overweight?"
Wife: "Yes I do."

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? ehhh, they just taste funny!

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So the can hide in apple trees!

What do you name a dog with no legs? Nothing, he won't come when you call him anyway!!

Did you hear about the guy that got into a gnarly accident and had to have his left arm and left leg amputated? He's all right now!!

Do you have holes in your underwear? No!! Where do you put your legs through?!?!

How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? "Screw it, we'll drink in the dark!!"

What is under the Pillsbury Doughboy's apron?
Doughnuts!

What goes "ha ha ha, plop"? Someone laughing their head off!

what happens when you throw a Red rock in the blue lake?
Nothing, what did you think was going to happen?

What did the the dog say when the cat sckratched his back?
Nothing dogs dont talk!


Tears won`t bring back the rain forest.