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December 2000

Stuff stockings with good will not cheap thrills

Remember the Christmas’ of old with Jesus and God and stuff? No? Well, this is not surprising, considering how commercialized Christmas has become. The Three Wise men with their spices and treats are now replaced with the three Hanson brothers with their low-key good looks and flashy, suburban smiles.

What better way to rectify this problem then to steal Christmas itself? As the Grinch himself so eloquently put it, “I must find a way to stop this Christmas from coming.” Our thoughts exactly old boy.

However, we simply don’t have the means to carry all of the bells, the bows, the trees and the snow out of the homes of the 1.83 billion practitioners that celebrate Christmas around the world. Not to mention the jail time we would be facing.

So we cried: first for the superficial bit of jiggle that our once beloved holiday had become, and then we cried because we were slicing onions for our Christmas cookies. La Navidad just wasn’t how it used to be when we were little ankle-biters. Where had the meaning of Christmas gone?

That’s it. Spiritual enlightenment is off our Christmas List. So we went for the next best thing...Playstation 2, which seemed to be more desirable than gleeful happiness and blissful joy. However PS2 seemed to be unavailable in the traditional toy and electronics stores; so we were forced to resort to more “alternative” options.

“Do you have any Playstation 2’s?”

“No, this is Lady Foot Locker.”

After Zak checked for a Playstation 2 in Victoria’s Secret, we ended our quest. An overwhelming feeling of mucky muck set over us, like when pretty, white doves get caught in drying cement. If we couldn’t find happiness in a plastic chunk of technology, then where could we find it?

We realized that Christmas has become as materialistic as a big Hallmark card with a dog on roller skates on the front. Grown women would rather yell out, “You’re a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich, and you’ve got garlic in your soul”, than be interviewed for our article!
Love and cheer? Out the window, baby.

Did you know that on an average day KB Toys makes about $4,000-$5,000, but on Black Friday, they made $72,000? For what? A couple of Pokemon cards and a bubble gum flavored Skip-it.

We must end the madness and we must end it now. We would rather the little children wake up crying, empty handed, than to have them learn the values that society flaunts like a purple horse-haired hat from your neighborhood T.J. Maxx.

We figure that the only way for us to save Christmas is to write our message in this article. We know we can’t save all of you, but if one person listens to us, then we’ve made a difference. Go home and sing a Christmas carol, roast your chestnuts on that open fire, and remember - Christmas is a time of feeling and sharing, like a Sweet 16 at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch.

Take us for example. For Christmas this year, we gave each other homemade erasers and tennis shoes made out of old yarn and Cap’n Crunch.

Remember, Christmas will come without ribbons, without tags, without packages, boxes or bags. Maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more. Christmas Day is in our grasp, as long as we have hands to clasp. And Christmas Day will always be, just as long as we have we.

Michaelia Carroll and Zak Uzupis
Copy Editors