Facing Shortness
 
    I suppose there are many ways of facing shortness. I'm just gonna go through some of them in what will probably be a random and seemingly pointless and idiotic way of saying it that will make you go running to your mommy asking why there are so many crazy people. And, if not that, just shaking your head in disgust of my total lack of intelligence and tact. Ready?
    The first step in facing shortness is to actually know that you're short. This can be a hard step for some, especially those who are stiil in the first stage, Denial. (For all the 7 horrific stages and a brief explanation, go to The 7 Stages of Shortness) You have to say to yourself "Yeah. I'm 5'3 (or under) and I know that. I should get my act together and realize that maybe I am short. After all, I don't think the pimply guy over at McDonalds calls me 'Shrimp Boy/Girl' for nothing." Now, if this were some New Age support group, I might tell you to give your shortness a name and say to your shortness "Hello, (Name of Shortness here). I realize you exist. I don't like you very much. But I know you are there and you're a part of me. I accept that." Now aren't you glad this is only a Megalomaniacal support group/campaign instead of a New Age support group?
    Well, now that you know it exists, let's review your choices. You can try one or more of the following. You can:
    A) Be bitter about it and get all defensive every time a waiter/waitress asks if you want the Giant Shrimp.
    B) Wear really high platform shoes and whenever a person asks you about them, say "Hey, man. Disco's back in style. Leave me alone." (I have to take this opportunity to say right here that Disco was back for about an hour on the coldest day of winter last year when EVERYBODY was inside actually doing 90's activities and wearing 90's clothes. Though I must admit, platforms are in style. Just don't use Disco as an excuse.)
    C) Go in search of your kindred Gnome-people who live in seclusion under the bridge that's in the city park. If you remember correctly, there should be a secret doorway somewhere under the leaves and bushes. Or was it under the water? Better get out your scuba gear.
    D) Sing and dance in the privacy of your own home to Alanis Morissette music. (What does that have to do with facing shortness? Practically nothing, but it's really fun. And it also makes you feel better for some reason. Believe me, I do it all the time.)
    E) Be bitter about it and eat chocolate pudding or mint chip ice cream till you explode. (Or at least until you look like Scotty from Star Trek.)
    F) Actually become comfortable with the fact that you're short and be really happy with yourself, refuse to wear tall shoes because it takes away from your shortness, and smile or say thank-you or BOTH when someone says "Wow, you're really short." But why would you want to do that?
    G) Be bitter about it and get revenge by trying to take over the world. And occasionally have chocolate pudding or some mint chip ice cream.

    Well, it's been said that you should always give advice about things you know. (When and by whom was it said? I don't even know if it has been said. It just seems like a reasonable enough statement.) But I'm allergic to shrimp, wearing platform shoes hurt, I don't have scuba gear so I can't look for the doorway to the Gnomes under water (I looked under the bushes and the doorway ain't there), I'd explain my singing and dancing but for the sake of your sanity I won't, I don't look like Scotty from Star Trek and even if I did eat enough pudding and ice cream to make me explode I have a fast metabolism so I don't gain more than half a pound every 6 months no matter how much I eat, and I'm not even close to comfortable with my shortness. But here I am trying to take over the world and occasionally having pudding and ice cream, so that's what I'm gonna write about. If you're all tuckered out by reading all the above stuff, you can just come back here later and read the rest. It's okay. I'll wait... La-dee-da...

    All rested up now? Good. Now as I was saying, I know a thing or two about trying to take over the world, chocolate pudding, and mint chip ice cream. Lemme start first with the taking over the world stuff. To begin with, you have to have a kind of fellowship or solidarity with your fellow short people. The only way we can take over the world is by sticking together, right? Right. So, form a bond with your short brethren and let's move on! Geez. Next, you have to have a kind of short-pride. This isn't quite like acceptance. This is more of a I'm-bitter-but-there's-nothing-
I-can-really-do-about-it-so-if-anyone-messes-with-me-or-my-short-brothers-and-sisters-I'm-gonna-
kick-their-butts kinda short pride thing. Got it? Now here's the interesting part. After we're all united and junk, we kill off all the tall or medium height people in the world and just appoint ourselves as Supreme Rulers. I suppose we could just make them into cheap labor, but what with all those revolt type things you see in movies or you read about in books, I don't think it's very wise. And also, there can be a few exceptions to it. For example, nobody kills David Duchovny or Jerry O'Connell, capeesh? (All apologies to Italians for my terrible spelling. I'm taking Spanish as my second language. I spelled it phonetically.) David and Jerry are off limits. Feel free to take out Tea Leoni, though. Actually, I'd like to do the honors, if that's okay with y'all. All applications for off limits people have to be put under deliberation by me, my vice-president, and a select few of trusted advisors. Anyway, that's the plan of action. Kill the tall and medium-height people. Why the medium-height people, you may ask? Well, let's think about it. If we kill the tall people, then medium-height people will be the tallest, and that's unacceptable. Also, I get to be the Supreme Empress type person, okay? Or at least a person who can sit on her butt all day in the lap of luxury and do no work and whatever. I don't really care about power. You guys can fight over it for all I care. But I get the title of Empress just cuz it sounds cool. Well, that's the way to do it. Get united and kill the Talls and Mediums one by one. But we have to be united FIRST! Why? Cuz I said so. And, hey, if anyone wants to give some suggestions on another way to take over the world, be my guest. I'm open to all opinions. I'd especially like to hear the ones that include no killing. I'd come up with one myself, but killing them all sounds so much easier. And my brain's fried. And even typing all that out was time-consuming. Typing a valid and even reasonable plan just sounds like it would take all day.
    Then on to the good part. Pudding and Ice Cream! Okay, I'm partial to chocolate pudding as some might have noticed. And to mint chip ice cream. Actually, I like cookies and cream ice cream about as much as I like mint chip, but that's okay. But whatever pudding or ice cream you may like best is cool too. (Pun there was not intended) Chocolate, vanilla, mixed, butterscotch, they're all good. There's tapioca too, but I can't stand the stuff and can't understand how anyone can eat it, but if that's what floats you boat, I'm all for it. And any kind of ice cream is awesome. Ice cream was made awesome. The only one I didn't like was mango ice cream, and I normally love mangos, but this stuff was disgusting. I heard there's good mango ice cream out there, but my first and only experience with the stuff has kept me from looking. And I haven't tried any ice cream with nuts in it. I'm allergic to all nuts except pistachios (Yum), chestnuts, macademia nuts, and sometimes pecans. My throat gets sore and it's hard to swallow and it feels all clogged up when I eat nuts. Fun, huh? I just know you wanted to know that. 

Well, I hope this helped you all to deal with your shortness. Though I'm pretty sure it did absolutely nothing. That's okay. I didn't expect it to. I was just babbling like an idiot. Hey, I told you it was pointless and idiotic. I was right about one thing.
 

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