JOKES 2
A blonde
runs crying into the office.
"Whatever is wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend Paul the PORSCHE DRIVER" gushes the
blonde.
"He was working on the back engine in the boot of his 911
when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"
"My god" shreeks Carol. "It didn't amputate his
WHOLE finger!"
"No thank goodness" sniffs the blonde. "But it was
the one just next
to it!"
Two aliens
landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it,
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us
to your leader.
"The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting. There was no
response. The alien,
annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty
attitude,
drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings,
Earthling. We
come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way!
Take us to your
leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you
mustn't anger
him.!", but before he finished his warning, the first alien
fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into
the
desert, where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired
turned to
the other one and said, "What a ferocious
creature. It nearly killed
us! But, how did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing
I've learned during
my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he
can
wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, you
don't
screw with him!"
Some not too
smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several
days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day
they get
to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks
to
their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall
is
full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them
immediately.
They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small
container
of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat
it."
So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the
second
Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding.
They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the
rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have
been opened.
They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.
Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least they
left something for us to eat"
The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed
by an unknown group of people
A beautiful
young woman went into the hospital for a minor
operation. On the day of her operation, the nurses
prepared her
and wheeled her down to the operating theatre, and left her lying
outside on a trolley for a few minutes.
While she was lying there, a young man in a white coat came
along,
lifted her gown up, and began to examine her naked body. He then
went
away and consulted with another colleague in a white coat. They
both
returned and examined her again. A third colleague
was called over,
and he too began to examine her.
By this time, the young lady was becoming quite frustrated at the
long wait for her operation, and inquired from the white coated
individuals: "Look, I don't mind you examining me, but
when is this
bloody operation going to start?"
"We haven't got a clue, luv," came the reply,
"we're just the painters."
Becky was on
her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He
held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her
pale lips moved.
"Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."
But she insisted.
"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to
talk. I must
confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake.
"It's all
right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I
have
been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I
know
all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison
you?"
A husband and wife and
their two sons are watching TV. She looks
at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says,
"Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our
room for
a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and
sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a
few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes
him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind
this is the
same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our
thumbs."
A guy is
standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being
watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring
at him
intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget
drags a small stepladder up next to him,climbs it,and proceeds
to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest
balls I
have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to
move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says
the little
fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched
them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it,
he obliges the request.The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip
on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or
I'll
jump off the ladder!"