The very minute Harvey Bernikay came home from work, his wife, Bea, was on 
him like flies on road kill.
    "Don't start with your bitchin' today, Bea," he said, quick enough.  
"I've had a rough-ass day, and all I want to concentrate on is getting my 
sore-ass feet plastered to the stool in front of my chair."
    She clamped up.  Harvey could see her straining to keep from gabbing up 
a storm.  Her entire face quivered.
    "I want you to stand there like wallpaper.  Better yet, you're a hiker 
trapped in one of those snow stuck cabins--nice and shut up."
    "B-but Harvey," she stammered.
    He raised his hand like he was about to slap her across the face.  "A 
hiker, Bea," he said, and sat down in his chair, and took off his shoes.  
Bea ran into the kitchen, resided there for about five minutes, and ran 
back out.  She had some envelopes in her hands.
    "That was a real quick thaw, Bea," Harvey said.  "You're going to put 
those nice search and rescue people outta work if you ain't careful."
    "B-but Harvey," she stammered again.  "The mail.  We got some good mail 
today."
    "I don't care if it's the president inviting us over to take a shit in 
his gold-plated toilet, Bea.  I want you to give me some peace and quiet.  
I had a long day, and I got some jittery-ass nerves going on here."
    "OH...FUDGE IT!" she screamed, shaking her moppy head, as if to knock 
out the dust.  She threw the envelopes into her husband's lap, and stormed 
out of the room.
    Harvey started to laugh.  "You're a real kick in the fuckin' head when 
you get mad like that, Bea," he yelled into the kitchen.  He laughed again, 
a lot harder.  "Yessir, a real kick in the...WHAT THE FUCKAROONI?!"
    Sitting in his lap, and printed on the front of the envelope in 
lifelike color, was a woman with the biggest tits he had ever seen.  He 
blinked, and she was gone.
    "Jesus H. Humpme, what the crap was that?"  He hastily grabbed the 
envelope, and flipped it front to back several times, then he held it up to 
the light, turning it at odd angles as if the image only appeared when the 
light caught it just right.  "One of them trick picture deals."
    He wiped absentmindedly at his face, unaware that he was drooling, and 
also apparently unaware that he had an erection.
    "Did you see this?" he yelled to Bea.  "Yeah, sure ya did," he mumbled 
under his breath, noticing that the envelope had been opened.
    There was only a thin sheet of paper inside, on which was inscribed the 
following:
    "Ad-Co asks:  "Do you like girls with big mama titties?"
    "Yeah, who the hell doesn't?"  Harvey turned the paper over.  Blank.  
"What?  That's it?"
    He turned the paper back, and found that the message had slightly 
altered from the first time he had read it.
    This time Ad-Co asked:  "Ever wish you could bone a sexy porn star?"
    Harvey nodded.  He blinked and the words changed again.
    "Ever wish you weren't such a fat, lazy slob who could actually achieve 
such goals?  Ad-Co can help."
    "Jesus H. Humpme up the Christing ass," he mumbled under his breath.  
"What the Hell is this?"
    Blandly at the bottom of the page, were two check boxes.  One which 
read, "Yes, Ad-Co, please end this stupid-ass life", and the other, "No, I 
wish to continue my piss-ant Hell of an existence, 'cos I'm too lazy to 
make any changes in my life at this time."
    Harvey grimaced and checked the envelope again.  Empty.  "What's the 
joke," he murmured.  "No return envelope.  No mailing address.  Crappin' 
joke-ass junk mail."  He crumpled up the letter, and threw it across the 
room.  "Change now, you bastard!"
    It did.  Lying flatly on the floor, not a crease to blemish its 
structure, was the piece of paper Harvey had just discarded.  He got up 
from his chair, and walked towards it as though it were a deadly snake 
coiled around his last pack of cigarettes.
    An image suddenly appeared on the page.  It was the woman with enormous 
breasts, spreading her legs in a dramatic pornographic pose.  Harvey's 
erection immediately returned.  Dazed, it didn't seem to disturb him when 
the picture began to move.
    The woman mouthed some words.
    "What, baby?" Harvey asked the image.
    She mouthed the words again, and moved her fingers along her leg.
    "You want me to do it to you, baby?" Harvey asked, drool steadily 
dripping down his chin.
    The woman nodded, and mouthed, exaggeratedly.  "Doooo meeee."  She 
picked up something out of range of the paper viewer, and held it up for 
Harvey to see.  He squinted and made out what it was.
    "I-I've got one of those right over here, baby," he said.  "Bea keeps 
one so she can do her puzzles."  He pulled the pen out from the middle of a 
Doodlewords magazine, and turned back around.  The page had already 
returned to the check boxes.
    Harvey held the paper tightly in his hand, and reread the messages.
    "Shit, I wonder," he said, and setting the sheet against a hard 
surface, he checked the "Yes" box.
    "Ok, baby," he told the image.  "I'm ready for you."
    She nodded, and smiled at him.  And as she did so, her face began to 
change.  Her mouth became wider.  So much so, that it seemed to extend 
around her entire head.  Then her face simply split in half, and turned 
inside out, leaving only a ghastly pair of teeth behind.  The teeth grew 
and took up the entire page, finally extending out of the page and onto 
Harvey's hand.  It bit and tore and gnashed until only a stub remained.
    Harvey screamed, and tried to let go of the paper, but the thing hanged 
on, biting at him at every point of his body.  "Jesus H...."  The teeth 
grew to appropriate size, and clamped onto Harvey's head, ripping it off at 
the neck.
****
    Bea stepped slowly out of the kitchen.  The living room was empty.  Not 
a drop of blood remained.  She bent over and picked up the slip of paper.  
The naked woman was gone.  So were the crude messages.  And so, for that 
matter, was Harvey.  The page had returned to what she had read when she 
first opened the letter:
    "Ad-Co asks, "Did you ever wish your bastard of a husband was dead?
    She smiled slightly, and threw the junk mail into the fireplace.  The 
rest of the day was hers, as were all to follow.
    Bea sat down in Harvey's chair, and propped up her feet.  After a 
while, she would fall asleep, and when she would awake, the junk mail would 
be gone, not a cinder to remain.