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| On this page, you will find a collection of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, which can normally be seen on
the show Saturday Night Live (yes, some people still whatch it). These are some of the funnier thoughts that I have
found, and as I find new ones, I'll put them up on the page as well. |
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Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts: |
| It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. |
If a kid asks where rain comes from,, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying,." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." |
To me boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. |
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. |
To me clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. |
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I get you can really see it in those genitals. |
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is no the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see. |
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. |
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. |
I guess of all my uncles, I like Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he's eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear. |
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. |
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward. |
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. |
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun." |
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job." |
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. |
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. |
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do. |
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away. |
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. |
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been. |
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. |
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again. |
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. |
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine. |
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? |
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. |
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. |
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing. |
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. |
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