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The Top Ten Archive
Top 13 Signs You Live Too Close to the Bermuda Triangle
13> Your breast implants and your husband Tommy Lee have mysteriously
disappeared.
12> Every time you go out for groceries, the tearful goodbyes last an
hour.
11> Local kids' favorite pastime: throwing paper airplanes into
infinity.
10> Satellite dish pointed up: 600 channel reception Satellite dish
pointed down: 600 galaxy reception
9> Every few days you have to skim the vintage aircraft out of your
pool.
8> Mulder and Sculley come knocking more often that Jehovah's
Witnesses.
7> Jesse Helms almost makes sense.
6> 200-year-old ship captains always stopping by to borrow your gas
grill.
5> Amelia Earhart appears at your door and hands you a bag full of your
missing socks.
4> Constantly freaking out guests by reaching into the fridge and
pulling out a beer from 1912.
3> Your pants keep disappearing, and you're not the President.
2> It's 4:00 am and your wife actually believes you were abducted by
aliens and forced to drink too much liquor and bring home a prostitute.
1> The funniest parts of your Top Ten lists seem to mysteriously va
The Top 12 Signs Your Website Sucks
12> It was chosen as the official AOL "Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Cool
Site of the Day."
11> Only banner ad is a singles ad for your sister.
10> It proudly carries the Pat Robertson Seal of Approval.
9> The home page has so many "Bottom 5%" awards, you can barely see the
"Under Construction" graphics.
8> "Best viewed when using Bifocals 1.25 or higher."
7> You were operating under the mistaken impression that God just doesn't like
homosexuals and has chosen you to tell everyone.
6> Your blinking text and animated graphics have caused an epidemic of epileptic
seizures.
5> Al Gore personally emails you and tells you to get off his Internet.
4> "Featuring Roger Ebert's home sex tapes!"
3> The only guest book entry is from your mom: "Yes, Dear, it's very nice. Now
come down to dinner."
2> Previous visitors e-mail you ASCII pictures of vomit.
1> Your Pamela Anderson site has no pictures -- just her poetry.
The Top 15 Unforeseen Side-Effects of the Y2K Bug
15> Computer glitch at People Magazine makes Dom DeLuise the "Sexiest Man
Alive!"
14> No power failures, no mass hysteria, but from January 1st on, everyone's toast is
just a little bit burnt.
13> "Suddenly Susan" suddenly funny.
12> Their computers thwarted, the public library will finally get their 12-year-overdue
copy of "Our Bodies, Our Selves" back
and I... er, my friend won't have to pay a penny in late fees!
11> Several thousand Internet start-ups simultaneously and inexplicably turn a profit.
10> World falls under the iron fist of Amish overlords.
9> All "2000 Flushes" toilet bowl sanitizers simultaneously detonate, causing
a "Blue Butt" epidemic in trailer parks
across the US.
8> While speaking at a fund-raiser, Al Gore malfunctions and shuts down in
mid-sentence.
7> Overnight, CompUSA becomes "Crazy Larry's Liquidation Center."
6> Strom Thurmond starts to receive free birthday ice-cream cones at Baskin-Robbins.
5> "Student Loan? No, I'm pretty sure I paid that in full last month."
4> With all the rioting and looting, your reclusive neighbor Chuck can finally roam the
streets relatively unnoticed in
his halter top and buttless chaps.
3> "First-rate Hunter-gatherer" now a key resume bullet.
2> President Clinton's January issue of "Hustler" is accidentally sent to
ex-president William McKinley.
1> McDonald's faces a rash of lawsuits when out-of-work COBOL programmers begin dumping
hot coffee into their laps to
make ends meet.
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