Monday, September 20th, 1999 - Thank God I'm Lost
I've been thinking about my relationship with God a lot lately. And
more specifically my beliefs on God. Every time I sign onto IRC I
feel like everyone's playing Dishwala's Chasing Blue Cars -- "Tell me
all you thoughts on God." Every time I go into a chat room lately
people want to know my thoughts on God. Perhaps it's the new nick
I've been using lately. Instead of AliveInX, I've been using LostInX.
It's a nick with a double meaning. On one hand it attests to the fact
that I no longer have faith in Christ and thus would be considered
Lost by most Christians and thus in dangers of going to hell. But it also has a
more mystical meaning for me--like one getting lost in a good book.
With some books, you just get so caught up into the story that you
almost forget you're reading a story. With God, Christ, X, sometimes
you just start living life and get caught up in life, lost in the
passions of life, and you don't worry about what page number you're
on. So, for now, I'm LostInX... Take it to mean what you want.
Tuesday, September 21st, 1999 - ProudPaganDyke
Met a lovely young lady tonight on #christian. She got kicked out of
the room after only a minute. They kicked her out of the room because
of her nick. ProudPaganDyke. I hate when Christians kick others.
So anyways I have a habit of sending a private message to everyone
that gets kicked out of a channel and telling them I'm sorry that
they were kicked. We ended up talking for a while. She joined me
in a different room, I don't remember which one (#sonofgod perhaps,
the don't kick as much over there), but anyways we talked. She's so
nice, I just get so discouraged by how Christians treat her. Kicking
someone out of a room because they have the word "Dyke" in their nick
is like kicking someone out of your church because their skin color
is black. Discrimination is evil--even when those who discriminate
call themselves "Believers in Christ." I don't care if you're God's
best friend, if you're racist, sexist, or homophobic, you need help.
I asked ProudPagan what she believed in spiritually. She believes in
elves. I've never met anyone who believes in elves, I found it
really interesting. Maybe she's kidding, but she sounds serious and
I have no reason to not believe her. She says elves hide above your
ceiling and you can talk to them, yell at them, cry with them, and
they listen. I wish Christians were more like elves and less like
security guards. If only we would listen more and kick less, we
might actually do some good in this world. So in my humble opinion,
I think we should change the slogan from WWJD to WWED. Yes, what
would the elves do?
Wednesday, September 22nd, 1999 - Queer Books & Mean People
Tonight I went to the Barnes and Noble Gay/Lesbian Reading Group again.
There were several new people there today which was refreshing. But
only one of us had read the book. It was sad, but well, I just
couldn't find time to read it. I did buy the book a while ago so I'll
read it sometime. Anyways, we didn't talk about that book very long
since no one had really read much of it. Next month we have a small
funny book by Quentin Crisp, so I'm sure I'll be able to read this
one. We ended up talking about a lot of different topics (as always).
We wondered aloud why straights have such a problem with us. Our
conclusion? We didn't have one. I don't know why straights have a
problem with me. They don't know why straights have a problem with
them. Which brought us back to the book--"The Oldest Gay Couple In
America." The author and his companion spend over 60 years together,
just living their lives, not harming anyone. What's so wrong with
that? So many people are dead set against allowing gays to marry,
and then they have the nerve to suggest that gays aren't as faithful
as straights. You don't let us marry, and you wonder why we don't
marry (stay committed)? Well, the truth is, despite the hatred and
hypocrisy that you (straight america) has show to us (gay america)
we've done pretty well at living in committed relationships. Sure,
there are those who (in my mind) seem addicted to sex with lots of
partners, but that's not what most people seem to want. We want
intimacy and we find that in relationships. Long-term relationships.
Why do you try and discourage our desire for long-term relationships
and then complain that we don't have them? I hate your vote. I hate
it when you vote for anti-gay candidates. George W. Bush, I hate your
hypocrisy. I hate that you say "I'm friends of gays" and then say
"I don't support gay marriage". You are not a friend.
Thursday, September 23rd, 1999 - Lies Your Pastor Told You
I spent a long time today talking with a person who was trying to
convince me that homosexuality was wrong. Well, I'm certainly able
to tolerate those with beliefs that are different from me, but this
person was over the edge. He's been listening to too many
fundamentalist pastors, and now his brain is just all screwed up.
I'm serious. I don't mind fundamentalist pastors, but I have to tell
you, sometimes they just hear stuff and without even checking to
see if what they hear is true, they start spouting it off as gospel
truth. I felt like I was chatting with a card-carrying member of
NARTH (the only organization that believes homosexuality is a choice,
and the only research group run by fundamental christians). But the
problem is, none of the stuff NARTH teaches, or fundamental pastors
teach, line up with who I am. For example, they believe that
homosexual thoughts and behaviors come as a result of either an
over-protective mother or an absent father. Well, I was asked
101 questions by this person about my family history, but the
bottom line is, I had a good family. My mom and dad weren't perfect,
but I can't think of anything either of them did that would make
me turn out gay. After asking everything this guy could think of
he too admitted that I seemed like an exception to the rule. So if
I'm the exception to the rule, I'm thinking the rule is crap. My
dad wasn't absent, he wasn't gay, he wasn't abusive, my mother
wasn't over protective, dating wasn't discouraged, sex wasn't taboo.
I forget everything that man asked me (though I have it all logged),
but you can probably find it all on http://www.godhatesfags.com/.
Last time I checked they had a section devoted to "facts" about
homosexuality. If you want to read something funny, check out their
facts. You'll learn that I'm a pedophile, that I'm into bestiality,
that my father sexually abused me, that my mother mentally abused me,
and 100 other lies that the Pastor of that church teaches his
members. It would be funny if it wasn't so sick. The truth is
no one made me gay, I didn't choose to be gay, I'm just gay. If
God wanted me to be straight he would have given me attractions
for other women, but instead God's given me attractions towards
men. But, it's all good. There's nothing queer about being queer.
Friday, September 24th, 1999 - Dance Like an Egyptian
Tonight I went down to Indy to see some friends and go swing dancing
again. It's a lot of fun. But I have to admit, I'm not the best
dancer in the world. Surprised? Yeah, well, we can't all Fred
Astaires. In fact, believe it or not, but there are even gay men
who don't have rhythm. Yes, perhaps it's a minority within our
minority, but we aren't all graceful dancers. I'm better than
some people (who are just starting, probably), but wow when you
sit back on a Friday night and watch the dance floor instead of
tearing it up, you are amazed at how well some of them people dance.
And you know, there seems to be a parallel between how good you
look and how well you can dance, so maybe that's my problem. Well,
there are some exceptions, but there was some really good-looking
really good swingers out there. Perhaps good looks and grace just
go together naturally. And I think there's something about a green
shirt. I don't know what it is, but a man with a green shirt on
while dancing just looks good (at least so far). But anyways,
dancing's over and I had a lot of fun. I'll keep practicing and
some day perhaps I'll have enough grace and rhythm to buy a green
shirt of my own.
Sunday, September 26th, 1999 - Rollercoaster
Today I went to King's Island with Aimee, Randy, and a several of their
friends. We had a good time. The last time I went to King's Island
I was about 12 years old and it was my first trip to an amusement
park. On that visit, my dad decided to take me on the biggest ride
they had (The Vortex) and I went on it, but as soon as we got to the
top of the first hill and I could see how really high up we were and
how far down we were about ready to drop, I fainted and I didn't wake
up until we were pulling back into loading dock. It took me several
more years before I would ever go on another roller coaster again.
Now, 10 years later, I love roller coasters--the taller the better.
I usually go somewhere at least once or twice a summer. We usually
go to Cedar Point because it's the closest. Six Flags in Chicago
isn't that far either. King's Island is about 5 hours away from us so
we rarely make it down there. But I was glad to be able to go down.
We decided to go this weekend because there was a DC Talk concert in
the park that night. There were 8 of us that went down. Aimee and
her roommate Shannon went, as well as Randy (who goes swing dancing
with us a lot) and a friend named Hope who was in the mime group until
she graduated the year before me. Then there were several of their
friends that I didn't really know (though I recognized them from
campus)--Jennifer, Adam, Shelly and her little girl Brennan (aka
Big Foot). I wasn't sure how they were going to react about me being
gay since all of them are Christian (fundamentalist? I don't know),
so I tried not to make it a big deal. Hope told me one of her
brothers is gay. And I was still able to check out guys without
anyone freaking out too much. Amusement parks are amazingly filled
with good looking guys--I guess because amusement parks appeal so much
more to the college age crowd. Whereas a mall is a good place to find
good-looking high school aged guys, and wheras a bar is a good place
to find good-looking post-college age guys, an amusement park is a
good place to find good-looking college aged guys. Anyways, we
had a good time riding the rides and around 6 we headed for the DC
Talk concert. Afterwards we headed for home. I finally got home
around 3 am and headed to bed so I could get up in the morning.
Sunday, September 26th, 1999 Part 2 - Whatever Happened to DC Walk
The DC Talk concert that night was pretty good. It was a Christian
concert and the message of the songs didn't exactly meet me where
they were intended to. I've always struggled with faith. Faith
just isn't something that makes a lot of sense to me. I remember
talking with the Latter Day Saints (Mormons) and hearing them tell
me "you just have to have faith" regarding the Book of Mormon being
true and regarding Joseph Smith being a prophet. Well, I didn't have
that kind of faith. But protestant Christiandom is no different,
"you just have to have faith" regarding the Bible being God's word
and regarding Jesus being God (or God's son). Well, faith doesn't
come naturally for me, I've always been a skeptic. I don't know
where my skeptism comes from; perhaps it comes from seeing people like
Benny Hinn and Oral Roberts rob people of their money in the name of
faith. I guess I've always believe that if Satan really exists then
his initials are TBN. But back to the concert.. It was a good show,
but it was also sad. The rampant materialism in Christianity
overpowers any good message that they might have. It's no longer
"they shall know we are christians by our love" but "they shall know
we are christians by our accessories." The line for T-shirts,
posters, and stickers was phenomenal. The line for Food for the Hungry
was.. well there was no one at the Food for the Hungry booth. Now,
granted, I would never support Food for the Hungry because it's run
by Lesea and I hate Lesea Broadcasting's hypocrisy and greed, but had
it been an honest organization working to relieve world hunger, like
World Vision or UNICEF, there still would have been no line. I would
bet money that a group like World Vision would get more people to
sponsor children at a Lilith Fair concert than they ever will at a
Decent Christian Talk conert. Christian's generally just don't care
much about the world, except in matters of salvation. They'll try
and save your soul, but it's not their fault if your starving,
homeless, afflicted with AIDS, Cancer, or Leprosy. That's not what
Christians do anymore. Instead, it's about being saved, because
"the best life is the Christian life". DC Talk sang a song entitled
"I Wish We'd All Been Ready" and I bet that was probably the most
touching song for most of the people in that audience. But I didn't
get it, in fact, I was a little upset that they were singing a song
like that. Not because I don't think I'm "ready", but because I don't
think fear should be the motivating factor to get someone to convert
to your religion. It wasn't "I wish you knew how good Christ is",
it was "I wish you weren't going to hell." I don't care if you
try and wrap the message up in words of compassion "I wish we'd all
been ready", it's not a compassionate message, it's a message created
to put fear in your heart so that you'll be scared into believing in
God. "I don't want to go to hell, I'll convert, please don't send
me to hell." If you take away the fear of hell, I wonder how many
people would still ask themselves "What would Jesus do?" Is there
nothing more to Christianity than a fear of hell and a desire to have
the biggest CD collection and the boldest "Jesus Saves" T-shirt?
They asked "What will people think if they hear that I'm a Jesus
freak?" I'll tell you what I think. If you're a Jesus freak you
probably care more about yourself than anyone else. Why? Because a
Jesus freak is someone who's covered from head to toe in Jesus
paraphanelia. You have your Jesus Phish hat, you have your Jesus Saves
T-Shirt (or if it's Sunday, you have your Jesus Saves tie), you have
your Eternity Jeans, your cross necklace, your WWJD Wallet, and of
course you have to have the WWJD bracelet, lest you forget those four
letters. A Christian, on the other hand, isn't like a Jesus freak.
Whereas a Jesus freak is materialistic and brags of having the biggest
Christian music collection, a Christian is just a follower of Christ.
Christ didn't wear his message on his sleeve, he wore it in his heart.
I saw thousands of messages on sleeves, but judging from the untouched
stack of Food for the Hungry brochures, I couldn't tell how many wore
the message on their heart. Having said all of that, I know there
are many Christians who live out the message of Christ and who give
themselves to his service, but the other 95% are more worried about
missing an episode of Friends or Frasier than whether their sponsored
child is getting fed that night. But, the rest of the world is no
different--I'm no different. We're all selfish, it's just the way
we we're raised. One would think Christianity would break away from
that selfishness, instead it works hard to feed that selfishness. And
worse than just feeding into that selfishness, it ties you into it
because anyone who dares to live a moral life apart from the hypocrisy
and confusion of Christiandom is branded as a heathen worthy of hell.
It's not about living the message of Christ, it's just about being
a child of Christ, regardless of how that Child behaves. I guess I
just wish that instead of more Decent Christian Talk we could see more
Decent Christian Walk.
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