During the end of the 1999 school year my life was going through a lot of changes. I began the coming out process regarding my sexuality in March and less than a month later my spirituality went through a major revamping. Neither process is complete, I'm still adjusting with my sexuality, and my spiritual beliefs are still developving as I continue to think and pray. But during this process of change I was involved in several classes that involved a lot of writing. What follows are some of the essays that I wrote in those classes. I've included them on my web site because the changes I was going through during this time are very evident in these essays that I wrote.

March 1999 - Concept Paper: Religious-Based Homophobia

In the middle of march I read a true story about a kid named Bill who had comitted suicide because he was gay. The story forced me to come to grips about my own sexuality. All my life I have been attracted to members of my own gender, but I never believed that I was gay, or even bisexual. I was in denial. I related so much to Bill that after reading his story, I knew I had to accept the fact that I was gay. When I wrote this paper for my Race and Ethnicity class I had finally accepted the fact that I was gay, but I still was not ready to tell anyone else this fact. I had opened the closet door, but I had not stepped out.

April 1999 - Chief Among Sinners

My religious beliefs had been changing and conforming for years. I had been doing a lot of spiritual searching for quite some time. That searching led me to question my own beliefs. In April of 1999, the questioning reached a pivotal point where I could no longer accept the inspiration of the Bible. This paper, also written for my Race and Ethnicity class is the culmination of all my questions. It doesn't exactly relate to my sexuality, but because I was dealing with both sexuality and spirituality at the same time, the two did get tangled up at times.

May 1999 - Till Death Do Us Part

By May I had truly accepted my own sexuality, yet I still hadn't told many people about it. Nearly everyone online who I chatted with from time to time now knew that I was gay, but very few people outside of the internet did. During this phase I found myself playing the pronoun game and using gender-inclusive language that wouldn't give away the fact that I was gay. If I had a crush on a guy I would refer to him as a "they" ("I'm not going to tell you who they are, but they're in your Bible class"). If I was talking to someone about getting married I would use the term "spouse" to avoid the fact that I wanted to marry a guy ("I want my spouse to be someone I can trust"). Also at this stage I went through some periods of depression where I longed to have a boyfriend. This essay was written in the midst of all of this and it's about gay marriage.

June 1999 - Where I Saw God At Work In Two Cities

That summer I took a class on Urban Ministry because I was a few credits short of graduating. We visted New York City and Washington DC for two weeks. I made up my mind before coming on the trip that I was not going to hide the fact that I was gay. On the trip down I read the book "Uncommon Calling: A Gay Christians Struggle To Serve The Church." A month prior, I would never have read a book like that in front of people, but I didn't care what they thought. At the end of the trip we had to write a paper about our experiences. Professor Lewis gave us the topic and the title and left the rest up to us. I wrote about how I saw God working among the homosexual community in those two cities.

It's July now. I'm still in the midst of the coming out process. Most of my friends know that I'm gay. Some walked away when they heard the news, others stand off at a distance, but my relationship with the majority of them has not changed. I've still got a ways to go. Very few of my family members know that I'm gay. Perhaps they'll see this web page and learn the truth this way (Surprise), but more than likely I'll come to a point where I don't give a damn what happens and I'll just tell them. My pastor last sunday told me to ask myself "What's the worst thing that could happen from telling them that your gay?" Before letting me answer, she told me to ask myself a second question, "Could you live with that?" I wrestle with that question every day. Soon though, I'll have to face it head on. Coming out of the closet was the best thing I've ever done. Life is so much better when you accept who you are instead of denying it and hiding the feelings that you've had all your life. If only it wasn't so hard to step out of that closet.