what makes me tick
ok, well presubably you've come here because you want to know a little more about me and what makes me tick... you poor person, do you really have nothing better to do with your time?!
so what do you want to know?
i'm mandy, i'm twenty years old, and (just for the slow ones who haven't twigged yet) i'm gay.
i live in essex, england with my absolutely amazing girlfriend, her two kids and our two adorable dogs.
things have not always been rosy, infact they're still not really. but they are improving...in a three steps forward, two steps back kinda way!
there are many issues that i feel drawn to/inolved with, inevitably many of these are directly related to my sexuality...but not all.
in summary these are
gay and lesbian (duh!)
aids awareness
self harm/mutilation
alternative health
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gay and lesbian issues |
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gay teen suicide is far too common - something must be done about it...
White Ribbon Campaign
Raising Awareness about Gay-Teen Suicide
And remembering those who we've lost
[
Mirror Site
]
matthew, this should never have happened, my thoughts are with you and all who knew you...lest we forget
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aids awareness
forunately, i have not yet become directly involved with aids - that is i have not lost anyone to the disease.
however, i am all too aware of the impact of this threat which hangs over us, particularly in the gay community.
what distresses me most about the whole aids thing is the amount of lesbians with the "lesbians can't get aids" beleif engraved into their sensibilities.
far too many women are oblivious to the risks, and far too little investigation has taken place into the subject.
low risk doesn't mean no risk . it is thought that the lack of evidence relating to thespread of aids during sex between two women
is because very often in these casdes, the victims have also had sex with men, iv drugs or another "high risk" practice so the
data relating to the sex between women is lost as a potential cause.
this is beginning to change with a study which began in may at yale university - an investigation in female-to-female hiv transmission.
hiv is one of the most devastating diseases. some of
my poetry has a "subtle" aids theme if you are interested.
redribbon.net terrence higgins trust
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self harm/mutilation
other self harmers please note: this may be triggering, please make yourself safe before reading on...
yes, i cut myself. no, i'm not proud of it. yes, it helps. yes, it makes everything worse.
i can't begin to describe what other people go through, or their motives, but this is my story.
it's really hard to explani why i cut myself. it's rarely very deep, because i find that a shallw cut stings more, the pain is different and more effective.
and raises less questions from people. my partner finds it really hard to deal with, inderstandably.
i think she feels rejected and stuff because she can't make me feel better etc. and that she can't look after me and stuff.
i never really talk about stuff that bothers me if i can help it. she finds that hard too. i know that, it makes me feel worse, and makes me feel like cutting more to make the guilt from cutting go away.
it's hard for me to put this up here as well, i just hope it helps someone feel they're not alone.
i was surprised when i searched the web recently the amount of resource available for people like me. that makes me feel guilty as well, as if people are paying too much attention.
there are many complicated reasons why i cut - one the physical pain blocks the emotional strains i live with.it numbs everything like a flood of calm - it seriously calms me down, when i've cut and it hurts i'm back in control.
cutting enables me to control my feelings and emotions better - i can stop the pain - i am in control. i do not cope
when i do not feel in control of myself.
watching the blood pour out of a new wound, or from an old one i've picked, is like watching all the bad stuff flow away, like visualising all the bad feelings and emotions i experience leaving my body
. i am purged of negativity, and feel clean again...if only it lasted.
i do not like myself, and i carry a lot of guilt, cutting punishes myself for what i've done, eases some
of the mental torment i feel, allows me to reconsile my guilt.
it's wierd, i never want people to know i cut - it's not exactly the sort of thing you drop into conversation over a nice cup of tea
i "don't do" talking about my problems. so why the hell am i posting them up on the internet for the whole world to seeand judge me on?
any suggestions?
i cut my legs mainly, and sometimes my arms - i try to keep it hidden, i don't like too many questions.
until now...3 people know i have cut at some point in time...only one knows i still do.
i've used a variety of implements to try and control the pain. ususally i use a collapsable razor from the body shop, because it's small and i can carry one around with me most days in case things get too much.
i also use other razors, kitchen utensils, sewing needles, thorns, screwdrivers... just about anything i can get my hands on really. i also pinch, bite and press into my skin if there is nothing else available.
i have used nail clippers to cut my skin off the soles of my feet, on more than one occasion.
that's great because the surge is refreshed every step i take.
i don't know what else i can say... yes, i would like to stop cutting, but there are other forms of escapism which can be far more dangerous, so while the problems are there, i can't see a way out.
i feel a "cool calm collectedness" as i pick up my tool and prepare... not fear, not excitement, just an acceptance that i will do what i have to do.
i know that it's not a realistic way to deal with my problems, and i am seeing someone. but there are times when it all just gets too much and the only way to deal with what's going on around me is to
slice calmy and evenly an inch or two through my skin. sometimes in straight parallel lines, sometimes cross-hatching over the same spot. i don't make fresh wounds often, i just pick at the scabs.
i have been through periods in my life where i've cut myself...and periods where i haven't for years, some of those i managed to cope, some i turned to other means of blotting out the pain, which potentially was far more damaging.
i have continually for the last 8 or 9 years bitten my nails, and the skin around them.
i don't just mean nibbling them short, i mean ripping them off with my teeth till they bleed, tearing off the skin, and stiripping layers off the top of my nails right down to the quick.
each key i press on the keyboard sends a searing pain through my finger on a bad day. i don't want your pity or your sympathy. i just want you to accept me, and accept that right now i have stuff going on that i ca't cope wiht.
i have to do this, i can't expect you to understand, or approve, but please don't judge, don't criticise, and don't try to stop me.
thanks for listening, comments?
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alternative health
i know how this must sound if you're read about self-harm - but i am strongly into alternative healthcare, and training to be a homoepath.
more information on this topic will be coming soon. however, check out the site of the group i belong to, and am secretary of
here
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gee,
people care about me ?!
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