Why Star Wars is better than Star Trek
12. In the Star Trek universe, weapons are rarely, if ever, set on 'stun'.
11.The enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just
to go into
warp-- the Millenium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a wookie.
10.After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked
fresh and
desirable-- after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
9.Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
8.Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
7.One word: lightsabers
6.The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
5.The Death Star doesn't care if the Earth is class M or not.
4. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
3. Picard pilots through the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter inpulse
power. Han
Solo floors it.
2. Aliens have make-up in other places than their foreheads.
1. Death Star vs. Enterprise
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You might be a redneck Jedi Knight if...
1.) Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2.) You use your lightsaber to open a non-twist-off bottle of Bud.
3.) There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
4.) You use your lightsaber to pick your teeth.
5.) At least one section of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
6.) You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
7.) You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.
8.) You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9.) You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
10.) A peaceful meditation is one without gas.
11.) You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
12.) Your master/mentor ever said "Hey, pull my finger..."
13.) Your X-wing is up on blocks in your front yard.
14.) You lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
15.) The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
16.) Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17.) You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait
for a commercial.
18.) You use your lightsaber to clean fish.
19.) Your father said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... it'll be a
hoot."
20.) You use your R-2 unit's self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill
to light.
21.) The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find
it.
22.) You have a stuffed womp rat over your fireplace.
23.) You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
24.) You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.
25.) More than half the droids you own don't function.
26.) The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
27.) You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.
28.) You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot while on vacation
on Hoth.
29.) Your moonshine is really made on the moon.
30.) You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in
your back
pocket.
31.) Sandpeople back down from your mama.
32.) You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.
33.) You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.
34.) You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
35.) You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.
36.) A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.
37.) You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while lighting a cigarette with your lightsaber.
38.) You don't think the Ewoks are primitive. 39.) You think an AT-AT looks like a giant
cow.
40.) You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.
41.) You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.
42.) The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
43.) You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father, who also happens to
be your brother...
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Women's Eyes
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
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Confucious Says: Park
Confucious Says: Is good for girl to meet boy in
park, but is better for boy to park meat in girl.
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Fox into Bulldog
How do you turn a fox into a bulldog?
Marry her.
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How Many Men to Open a Beer?
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she
brings it to you!
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Men's Locker Room
What's the worst thing you can hear in a men's
locker room?
Nice Dick!
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Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and
accidentally hit and killed a
pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to
the
farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let
in. He
was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his
employee had been there so long.
'Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me
some
cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses,' explained the driver.
'What did you tell the farmer?' Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, 'I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed
the pig.'
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One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of
chicken wire. His father said,
'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.'
The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.' But the son insisted
that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in
his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'
The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck
tape. The father said,
'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.' The father
yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' The son insisted that he knew what he was
doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm. The father
thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!!'
The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full
of pussywillows. The
father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'
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Whats My Name?
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his
office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you
worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that
leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ...
Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your
last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
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Vacation
Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my
employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked.
"It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.
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