List Jokes
Children's Books You'll Probably Never See
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Pop Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mommy's Purse
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
Barney: The Prison Years
87 Ways for you to Know You've Been Online too Long
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her.
8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.
9. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the "real" world is at your fingertips.
10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.
12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error.
13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
14. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them for their GIF.
15. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love.
16. You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.
17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized.
18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
21. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.
24. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.
25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).
28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how you're feeling.
30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.
31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed then yourself!
33. Your dog leaves you.
34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first got online.
35. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.
36. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.
37. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.
38. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
39. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting and you think, "Uh oh, cyber sex perv".
40. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
41. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get this one...If so, you've been hanging out in *strange* places).
43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.
46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work.
47. You don't know where the time has gone.
48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.
49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
51. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
52. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.
53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".
55. You type faster than you think.
56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
59. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie
60. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
61. You dream in "text".
62. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
63. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored.
64. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
65. You double click your TV remote.
66. You can now type over 70 wpm.
67. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
68. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" or "BBL".
69. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).
70. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
71. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.
72. You stop speaking in full sentences.
73. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.
74. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
75. Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience.
76. You know what a "snert" is.
77. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see whon was online".
78. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name.
79. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.
80. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing they'd be on AOL so you don't have to meet them in person.
81. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
82. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
83. You have met over 100 AOLers.
84. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.
85. You understand the humor in all of this.
86. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.
87. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for you, and think they can.
1.Drink coaster
2.Door stopper (use multiple disks)
3.Ice scrapper
4.Shower tile
5.Place holder in a book
6.Mini frissbee
7.Air hockey puck
8.Dog chew toy
9.Fly swatter (tape it to a long stick)
10.Dart board
11.Boot Disk (Neon green disk only)
12.Joke disk (Pull out the inside)
13.Pooper scooper
14.Grille scraper
15.Use them for Karate (save a tree)
16.Wrist Slicer -after receiving first AOL bill!
17.Wallpaper or wallpaper border
19.Toy for an 18 month old
20.Fat-free snack (not very satisfying though)
21.Destroy them (to relieve stress)
22.Prop up uneven table or chair legs
23.Light switch cover (panel)
24.Disk house (like a card house)
25.Chinesse throwing stars (tape 2 together)
26.Greeting card (bind two together at one end)
27.Halloween Treat (give them away all night long)
28.Bullet proof vest
29.Paper weights
30.Pen holders (make a box without a top)
31.Post it-notes holder
32.Refigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back)
33.Money clip (pop off metal door-throw away rest)
34.Solar Eclipse Glasses (move metal door, and look though disk)
35.Eye patch (aye' maties!)
36.G-string (Bay Watch-watch out!)
37.Christmas Ornaments (the more the merrier!)
38.Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list)
39.Hand them out as party favors.
40.Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
41.Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.
42.Warm milk & aol disks for santa.
43.House insulation.
44.The "toys for tots" program.
45.Hockey Puck (rubber band a few together)
Fall TV Season Line-Up
NBC
8:00 Friends
8:30 Girlfriends
9:00 One Guy with Several Female Friends
9:30 My Gay Friends
10:00 Friends You Wish You Had But Don't
FOX
8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating People on Tape
9:00 Jiggle It Beach
9:30 LA Chicks
10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode
UPN
8:00 The Unwatchables
8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
9:30 Praying For Syndication
10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through
WB
8:00 Where My Wife At?
8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On
9:00 Me & My Psychic
9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things
10:00 Dawson's Clothes
PUBLIC ACCESS
8:00 Blurry Steve
8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?
9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus
10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film
10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out
E!
8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
8:30 John Belushi: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze &Pills
9:30 River Phoenix: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze &Pills
10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
ESPN2
8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men
8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals
9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking
10:00 Coed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui
LIFETIME
8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her
Policeman Husband in Self-Defense
10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television
TNN
8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped in Pigturd!
8:30 Roadkill Recipe to Warm the Cockles of Your Heart
9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
9:30 Sheeeeeeee-ewt!
10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get the Rifle From the Truck
TELEMUNDO
8:00 Roberto Amorosa en Agua Caliente!
9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta?
9:30 Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!
10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
10:30 La Hora de Goya
CINEMAX
8:00 Bare Ambition (Tanya Roberts)
8:30 Naked Exposition (Traci Lords)
9:00 Body Of Nudity (Dana Plato)
10:00 Unclothed Anguish (Joyce DeWitt)