Any good society needs a police and penal system. Of course, my Empire may not qualify as a "Good Society" but it will have a working Judicial System.  Sort of. Well, it's a system anyway, some justice will probably occur somewhere along the line. Court systems will be under the command of the Supreme Court. After the Supreme Court's ruling, punishment is handed down to the Minister of BadThings who will also be in control of the penal system. To find out acceptable behaviour, visit the Compendium of Laws.

Things that pass for punishment today are pathetic, really. Oh sure, we execute someone now and then, but in "civilized" countries, imprisonment usually includes multiple warm meals a day, opportunities to work, cable television, etc. You know . . . It doesn't really surprise me that crime is such a problem today, after all, criminals don't have much to fear. We will change that. The best way, I believe, to cut down on crime is make it quite clear that it is not in your best intrest to violate the laws.

Yes, I can already hear the bursts of outrage. "You couldn't possibly be advocating the use of torture!" they would cry.

Yes. I am. However, let no one say I won't listen to the voice of my subjects. If you'd like to make a complaint, just send me your address and I'll send over some of our "special police" to give it personal attention.

Possible punishments for first offenses, minor crimes, and people with extenuating circumstances:

• Listening to my sister's poetry.
• Being forced to listen to Liberal lectures on the importance of diversity.
• Watching 50 back to back episodes of Barney.
• Denial of Bathroom privliges for 36 hours.
• Eating McDonald's food.

• Watching 200 back to back episodes of Barney.
• Being forced to watch performance art.
• Denial of bathroom privliges for 3 days,
• Forced work in the Hamster Neutering Inspection Facility for a variable number of days.

• Being dunked in honey, covered in walnuts, and put in a room with 50+ starving squirrels.
• Forced enrollment into the Imperial "Immediate organ donor program".
• Being flushed down a giant toilet.
• Sentanced to work in the Lard Processing Facility.

Possible punishments for capital offenses:
 

• Sentanced to work in the Lard Burning Facility.