Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully, especially when it comes to punishment and revenge, because you've been waiting for this day a long time.

Memorize your favorite poem. That, and your home phone number. Oh yeah, your anniversary, too.

Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want which, is not a problem if you are a deaf, broke, insomniac like me.

When you say, "I love you", mean it, at least for the next fifteen minutes or so. But when you say "Shut up", they better know you're not playing around !!!.

When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye. That way, they won't see that your fingers are crossed.

Be engaged at least six months before you get married, preferably to the same person that you get married to.

Believe in love at first sight, but first, make sure you have had your eyes checked. Because, wouldn't it be bad if you got new contacts and found out that it probably should have been "casual acquaintances at second glance".

Never laugh at anyone's dreams, or their Mother, for that matter. Unless, of course, either one is really stupid.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. Then again, there's something to be said for the safety of shallowness.

In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. And, no battery acid. You know what that can do to the carpet.

Don't judge people by their relatives but you would be wise to relate to people by their judgments.

Talk slow but think quick. And for God's sake, brush your teeth and comb your hair. Did you finish your homework?

When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?". Unless, of course, it's in a court room because then, the lawyer gets really mad and the Judge starts yelling at you to answer. It's pretty comical, actually. I mean, I was just kidding.

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. So, don't look for anything from me today, I'll be staying inside and watching TV.

Call your mom, but make it collect. And, if she brings up that money you owe her, say they house is on fire and hang up suddenly.

Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. But, if they fart, you are in no way obligated.

When you lose, don't lose the lesson. The lesson is probably: "You Suck!!! Why are you even trying this?".

Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions, and Retribution against all those who have wronged you. Wait�something's not right�isn't that four? O.K., forget that first one.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship and more importantly, don't let a little friend injure you in a great dispute.

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it, especially when there might be DNA evidence involved.

Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice, because you are real hard to understand when you have that ignorant grin on your face.

Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, his conversational skills will be as important as any other. Unless, like me, you are a guy because that's still illegal in all states but Hawaii. Wait..., would I have to do the cooking?

Spend some time alone. And then, clean it up before someone walks in on you.

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. You better watch your wallet too, because with your arms all open like that you are asking for it.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer, especially when you haven't thought of an excuse yet that is even remotely plausible.

Read more books and watch less TV. Is TV Guide considered a book?

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time. Then, when you get too old to think back and remember, just make up a bunch of cool stuff and claim it actually happened. That way, as the end nears, maybe someone will think that your miserable existence had some meaning to it.

Trust in God but lock your car because sometimes, God too needs wheels.

A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home. I have found that one Prozac in their orange juice in the morning and another in their milk with their after school snack works miracles.

In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past. Unless, you can dredge up something that makes them feel really guilty and quit arguing with you. Then, I say, use it.

Read between the lines. It's right there, 22% interest after the first month.

Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. But, if you are really stupid, just find someone you can share your genetic material with. That's another way.

Be gentle with the earth. Wait, I thought it was a big rock�

Pray -- there's immeasurable power in it. Then again, a 12 guage shotgun is a pretty powerful backup.

Never interrupt when you are being flattered, but you can flatten someone when you are being interrupted.

Mind your own business, unless you got something really juicy.

Don't trust a man who doesn't close his eyes when you kiss him. If he does close his eyes, go straight for his wallet.

Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. That's going to rule out the County Jail for me, but then again, that wasn't alot fun anyway.

If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction. A close second though, is that big house and the Lexus.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck. But, most of the time, it is just like a stroke.

Learn the rules, then break some, but be ready to explain it to your Parole Officer.

Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other. But, a pretty good one would also be where she just leaves right after sex.

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. Because, eight to ten years doesn't sound like a long time when you are planning a job but the days can really drag on when you are sharing a cell with some big hairy guy.

Remember that your character is your destiny. So, I have you bound for some whining, irritating place, probably up North somewhere where it is really cold.

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon because if she doesn't work out, there's always a side of fava beans with a fine Quiante.