Age 7
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk and that Dad can't hide the smell of gin on his breath.

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night" or when Johnny craps his pants again.

Age 9
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. When I wave to people in the city, they wave back too, they just don't use all their fingers.

Age 13
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Or better yet, get Dad's Playboy and spend 30 minutes alone in the bathroom. Yeah, that gives me a whole new attitude.

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. She says the mess bothers her boyfriend. I'll be glad when we can afford two bedrooms, they make too much noise.

Age 15
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict. It's also hard to admit that I've been in therapy most of my life, in the custody of several different foster families, and have a serious problem with authority.

Age 24
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. It's the "silent but deadly" company that I can do without.

Age 29
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures, and I promise I wouldn't be so rough again if she would just come home.

Age 34
I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Then again, perhaps its time I became a little more introspective of my own driving abilities and attitudes. Perhaps, I too, am part of the problem� Naaaaaahhhhh, where's my nine?

Age 39
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. That is, right after I pound their miserable lying face in.

I've learned that there is no key to success, but the key to failure is in trying to make everybody like you. It can't be done. So, I tried to make everyone despise me. I found that to be a much simpler task, although when completed, I didn't really feel "successful" either.

Age 41
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. So, here's a little clue for them, tens and twenties go a long way in my book.

Age 44
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Especially, if the card has a little picture of a little dog that eats little Mexican food and speaks a little Spanish. Yeah, that gets them every time.

Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies, but the Serbians and the Croatians can hold a grudge for a long, long time.

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the more judgmental he becomes of others, usually in the name of organized religion. Or was that organized crime?

Age 49
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. But, when I don't feel like singing, that "Amazing Jose Cuervo" can make all my troubles disappear, at least until the next morning.

Age 50
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. I usually just flip the mattress over, put the freshest stains on the bottom, and then turn the side that was away from the phone toward the phone in case I get a call. Hey, why am I staying in a "motel" anyway, instead of a "hotel"? I gotta change jobs�.

Age 52
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: rainy luggage, lost Christmas tree lights, a tangled day. Wait, that doesn't sound right, does it? O.K., what I meant to say was you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles his jock itch. Yeah, that's better.

Age 53
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. But my ex-girlfriend, I missed her while she was still alive. I never knew she could move so fast. Her activity in the kitchen never gave indication. Then, I had to explain those bullet holes to the cops and the landlord.

Age 58
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Or, making spaghetti, for that matter.

Age 61
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Yep, that new Frederick's of Hollywood store down at the mall is the best thing that ever happened to the kids.

Age 62
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance, but that Italian guy down on the corner, he wants his money TODAY.

Age 64
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back, especially if you are a shortstop, or a football player.

Age 65
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. And, if you focus on the sun, blindness will find you, so stick with the other stuff.

Age 66
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision, except for that thing with my secretary.

Age 72
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer, especially those poor NBA players. How will they keep warm this winter?

Age 73
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Then again, I've seen several unicorns, UFOs, and leprechauns too.

Age 82
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. But, when the pain is from my hemorrhoids, you better get out of my way.

Age 85
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch: holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. The chicks down at the home especially dig it, especially when my Parkinson's is acting up, if you know what I mean.

Age 92
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've also learned that, along with everything else, I still have a lot to learn. Further more,�,I uh, what were we talking about? Oh, forget it, I'm going to bed. Hand me my cane and get out of the way�