"Friend First" / Tuesday - January 5, 1999

TONY : Okay, here we go. Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger, and Cheeseburger.
MATT : Tony, on one ordered cheeseburgers.
JENNY : And I only wanted water.
TONY : Well hush up and eat it anyway. If Sharkey finds out I messed up another order,
        I'm dead.
SLY : I'll eat it but I'm not paying for it.
TONY : Forger it, man.
SHARKEY : Where are you going with that food, Wicks?
TONY : Oh, Sharkey... Kitchen made a slight error on this table's order.
SHARKEY : I am the kitchen!
TONY : Well, in that case, let's make more of an effort to get these things right, okay, big guy?
SHARKEY : You'd better start writing down these orders, okay, smart guy?
TONY : Sharkey. Girls, I mean, people want the coolest waiter in town. nobody wants some
        pencil-pushing-pinata-head waiting on them.
SHARKEY : Well, you can either do your job like a good pinata-head, or be the coolest waiter
            on the unemployment line.
SLY : Hey, Sharkey, come here. Check this out.
SLY : Don't you know what that is?
SHARKEY : Yeah, it's quarter out of my pocket, because they're not listening to my jukebox.
SLY : No, it's opportunity knocking at your door. Imagine lines down the beach. Burgers selling
      like hotcakes. Cash registers overflowing. Because you hired the Dreams to play here
      every week. What do you say?
SHARKEY : I say no! Nope! Never! No way!
SLY : He's weakening. I can feel it.
JENNY : So, Matt, shouldn't "Baby Shamu" be here by now?
MATT : Come on. Don't call him that. Teddy's an old friend from music camp. He has a little
         weight problem,
TIFFANI : Maybe he can't help it. You shouldn't make fun of a person because they're heavy.
MATT : Teddy, over here!
MATT : Wow! I almost didn't recognize you.
TED : I know, it's the hair.
TED : Well, that plus the fact that I lost ah, one or two...hundred pounds.
MATT : Teddy, you remember my sister, Jenny? And this is our friend, Tiffani.
TED : Hi, And, it's not Teddy anymore. Call me Ted.
JENNY/TIFFANI : Hi, Ted.
MATT : Okay, we're out of here. First stop -- the beach!
TED : See you guys later, I hope.
JENNY/TIFFANI : Bye, Ted.
JENNY : So, what'd you think?
TIFFANI : Not bad. You?
JENNY : Not bad. Not my type.
TIFFANI : Good, then I'm going to ask him out.
JENNY : No, you're not. I've got dibs. We've been friends since camp.
TIFFANI : Friends? A minute ago you were ready to send him off to Sea World.
JENNY : Yeah, but...hold it. What are we doing here? We're best friends.
TIFFANI : You're right. This is silly. I won't ask Ted out if you won't ask him out.
JENNY : Deal. Neither of us asks Ted out. Who cares if he's...really cute?
TIFFANI : Not me.
JENNY : Me, either.
MATT : Hey, hey, remember this?
TED : Oh, man! The Cabin Seven salute!
MATT/TED : TUBA, TRUMPET, OBOE, FLUTE, NO GIRLS ALLOWED UNLESS THEY'RE
              CUTE.
JENNY : Oh, that's so cool.
MATT : Do you really think so?
JENNY : Him, not you. So, Ted, I hear Matt gave you the grand tour, How do you like what
         you've seen so far?
TED : So far, so good.
JENNY : You know, there are lots of fun things to do around here. Great restaurants, too.
         Do you...like restaurants?
MATT : No, he prefers grazing in pastures.
TED : I love Italian food just as long as it's not too fattening.
JENNY : Me, too! Hey, I know this place that makes a killer Caesar salad.
TED : Sounds like it's worth checking out.
JENNY : Are you asking me out?
TED : That depends. What would you say?
JENNY : I'd say how about Saturday at eight?
TED : Cool.
JENNY : Cool. See you then.
MATT : Wow. I haven't seen Jenny so excited since...since...well, never!
TIFFANI : Hi, Matt. Have you seen Jenny? Oh, hi, Ted.
MATT : Yeah, you just missed her.
TIFFANI : Oh, darn... So, Ted, are you all moved in, yet?
TED : Just about. Things have been kinda crazed.
TIFFANI : Well, you really ought to relax. Why don't you go see a good movie? Oops.
TED : Hey, look! "Protrait Of A Rocker" is playing.
MATT : Where?
TED : It's right here, circled in red, and double underlined. I've wanted to see it for a while.
TIFFANI : Me, too. And would you look at that, the theater is right by my house.
TED : Oh, well, if you're not busy, why don't we go together tomorrow night?
TIFFANI : I'd love to. I'll meet you at Sharkey's at seven. Well, I'd better go find Jenny.
MATT : This time it might be a good idea to try her room.
MATT : Ted, that is so uncool. You just asked out both Tiffani and Jenny.
TED : Well, it's for separate nights.
MATT : But, they're best friends. It's not right. You've got to tell them.
TED : All right, I'll tell them. But you gotta admit this is cool. I'm here for two days and
      I already have two dates!
TIFFANI : If you'd just write down the orders then Sharkey won't fire you.
TONY : You don't understand, Tiffani. I am bound by the Tony Wicks' rules of cool. Rule
        Number One: You never wear a hat with clapping hands. Rule Number Two: Never
        listen to the New Kids On The Block. And Rule Number Three: Never listen to your
        boss, unless he's giving you a raise.
TIFFANI : Well, if you don't want to write it down, at least improve your memory.
TONY : I can do that?
TIFFANI : Absolutely. I read that eating fish really helps.
TONY : Fish? As in smelly little things that swim in the sea? Un-uh. I pass.
JENNY : That's fine, Tony. Nobody's forcing you. So what if you lose your job, don't make any
         money, and can't date for the rest of your life?
TONY : I don't have to eat anchovies, do I?
SLY : BA-BOOM! Yeah.
JENNY : What's wrong with you?
SLY : Oh, nothing. That is, unless you consider my getting you a gig at Sharkey's nothing.
JENNY : Sly, I could kiss you.
JENNY : I could also eat liver, but I won't.
MATT : Sly, this is great! How'd you do it?
SLY : Hey, a magician never gives away his tricks.
TONY : You Promised not to date Sharkey's daughter, didn't you?
SLY : Yeah.
TONY : So, Sylvester, how much money are we getting?
SLY : Money? Is that all you care about?
JENNY : We're not getting paid, are we?
SLY : Burgers.
SLY : And fries.
TIFFANI : Come on, you guys. This is still a great opportunity for us.
MATT : Yeah, Tif's right. Let's do it! Sly, tell Sharkey we'll be there.
SLY : Consider it done.
JENNY : This is going to be so terrific. I'm so psyched.
TIFFANI : Me, too.
MATT : You guys are great. You know, not many girls could go out with the same guy and
        still be friends.
MATT : Didn't Ted tell you?
JENNY : Ted? You have a date with Ted? We had a deal.
TIFFANI : Yeah, but he asked me out.
JENNY : Yeah, well, he asked me out, too. I knew I couldn't trust you.
TIFFANI : Trust?
JENNY : Yeah, trust. That's a word you should look up in the dictionary.
TIFFANI : Oh, yeah. That's pretty funny coming from a back stabber like you!
TONY : Whoa, ladies. Cool your jets!
JENNY : This is between me and her! So, butt out!
TONY : Butting out.
TIFFANI : I'm keeping my date!
JENNY : Fine, well, I'm keeping mine. And we'll just let Ted decide who's more fun.
TIFFANI : Fine!
JENNY : Fine!
TIFFANI : I'm having a great time. I'm really glad you asked me out.
TED : Are you kidding? you're a dream come true. You're beautiful. You're funny. You paid.
USHER : Excuse me, are you Tiffani Smith?
TIFFANI : Yeah.
USHER : You've got a phone call.
TIFFANI : I'll be right back.
JENNY : Is this seat taken?
TED : Jenny?
JENNY : Ted? What a small world. Are you here by yourself?
TED : Actually, I'm here on a date with Tiffani. I hope you don't mind.
JENNY : Noooo. Not at all. I'm just glad she finally has a date.
TED : Finally? What do you mean finally?
JENNY : Well, it's really not my place to tell you, but Tiffani doesn't go on many dates. It's her
         dad. He's got a black belt.
TED : In Karate?
JENNY : Karate. Please, he's so far beyond that, he developed his own martial art form. Kung
         Pao Ow.
TED : Ow?
JENNY : That's exactly what Tiffani's last date said when he brought the little princess home
         five minutes late.
TED : Oh.
JENNY : No, owww! He broke the guy's arm in three places.
TED : In three places?
JENNY : Yeah. In the living room, the kitchen, and the driveway.
TED : The driveway?!
JENNY : Yeah, but don't mention it to Tif. It upsets her. Enjoy the movie.
TIFFANI : That was weird. There was nobody on the phone. I thought it might be my dad,
           but...
TED : Your dad? Maybe we should go now. I don't want to get you home late.
TIFFANI : But the movie hasn't started.
TED : I can't believe I'm on a date with Jenny Garrison. I always thought you hated me at
      camp.
JENNY : Hated you? No way. I actually had a crush on you.
TED : But what about all those names you used to call me?
JENNY : Oh, those were just affectionate little nicknames.
TED : Blubber butt?
JENNY : Oh, yeah. There was that.
TED : Blimpo the Wonderboy?
JENNY : That too.
TED : Jelly belly? The Great Rotundo? And let us not forger... Hippopotoman.
JENNY : All right. All right. So sue me.
TIFFANI : Jenny! Ted! What a surprise running into you two here.
JENNY : Tiffani! What are you doing here?
TIFFANI : Oh, just having dinner with a friend.
JENNY : How nice. Anyone I know?
SLY : Of course I have reservations. Right there -- Dr. Winkle.
JENNY : You didn't
TIFFANI : I did. Oh, by the way, my black-belt father says "Hi-yah."
SLY : Come on, Tif, let's eat. I'm starved. Jenny! With a date...
JENNY : Just ignore him and maybe he'll go away.
TIFFANI : Sly, have you met Ted?
SLY : Just so there's no misunderstanding between us, Ted, let me say up front...I don't like
      you.
JENNY : Sly!
TED : What'd I do?
SLY : You're here with the woman who'll one day be the mother of my kids.
JENNY : Sly, isn't your table ready yet?
SLY : Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Just keep your hands on the table where I can see them,
SLY : On second thought, I can see them much better up close.
MATT : I can't wait. Tomorrow's the day Sharkey sees how good we really are.
SLY : Hey, what are you drinking?
TONY : Milkshake. Want some?
SLY : You bet. What flavor is it?
TONY : Tuna fish.
TIFFANI : Hi, everyone.
TIFFANI : Almost everyone.
MATT : Okay, let's get started. We still haven't practiced "If It Wasn't For You."
JENNY : Matt, I really have a problem with that song.
TIFFANI : Yeah. Me, too.
MATT : What don't you like about it?
JENNY/TIFFANI : Her part!
MATT : Okay, we have other tunes. We can work on...
TIFFANI : The problem isn't the songs, Matt. It's the negative energy a certain member of this
           group gives out, trying to make other members look bad.
JENNY : Tiffani, you don't need my help to look bad.
TIFFANI : Right! That's why you snuck into the theater and lied about my father!
JENNY : At least I would never sic a disgusting slime like Sly on someone!
SLY : Hey, I'm sitting here!
MATT : Guys, cut it out! You can't be in a group and fight like this!
JENNY : He's right!
TIFFANI : Sure is!
JENNY/TIFFANI : I quit!
MATT : Jenny, Tiffani...
MATT : I can't believe the girls quit. We've got to get them back in the band.
TONY : You're right. And I want you to know, Matt, you're not alone.
SLY : You can count on us. We're with you all the way.
JENNY : WHERE'S THE PEANUT BUTTER?!
TONY : You're on your own, Matt.
SLY : Later.
MATT : Look, Jenny...
JENNY : Save it, Matt.
MATT : So you and Tiffani had a little fight. That's no reason to quit the band.
JENNY : I am not going to make music with a double crossing liar.
MATT : Tiffani?
JENNY : See, the description fits!
MATT : Oh, come on, Jenny.
MATT : Tiffani, what are you doing?
TIFFANI : Since I'm not in the band anymore, I'm taking my bass home.
TIFFANI : May I get by? Or would you like this guitar up your nose?
JENNY : Try it and you'll be using those strings for dental floss.
MATT : Hasn't this gone far enough?! Are you two going to make me beg?!
MATT : Okay. I'm begging. Please don't throw away all our hard work and your friendship! Not
        for some guy!
JENNY : Well...the group is important to me.
TIFFANI : Yeah, and this gig at Sharkey's could really help us a lot.
MATT : Thank you. I'm glad we're all mature enough to get that settled.
TED : Hi.
JENNY/TIFFANI : Hi, Ted!
JENNY : Tiffani, weren't you just leaving?
TIFFANI : Ted, you wanna leave with me?
MATT : oh, no! no! no! no!  Look what you've done to my life! You've turned it into a
        nightmare. And I can't take it anymore!
MATT : Please, Ted! For the sake of all that is good and fair in this world, choose one girl!
TED : Just one?
MATT : Yes, just one!
TED : But I can't. They're both so beautiful.
MATT : Pick, pick, pick, pick!
TED : Okay, okay, I'll pick. I need to sleep on it. I'll tell you tomorrow. Bye.
TIFFANI : I wanted to use this jack.
JENNY : But it doesn't want you. Get used to the feeling.
TIFFANI : No, no. You get used to the feeling.
JENNY : Matt, tell Tiffani she's being a child. It was my plug first.
MATT : Why don't you just use the same amp you always use?
JENNY : Hey, what's with the old picture?
TIFFANI : Isn't that the first time we played together? Look, that was before Jenny cut her
           hair.
JENNY : Oh, I get it. Mister Psychology here thinks this picture's gonna get us to quit fighting.
TIFFANI : How?
JENNY : He thinks we're gonna start getting weepy over memories, How transparent!
TIFFANI : Hey, I remember that dress.
JENNY : Yeah. I got it for that big party at Doug Breskin's house. Remember?
TIFFANI : Wow, Doug Breskin! I thought he was my Prince Charming.
JENNY : Yeah, but he turned into a frog when he started hitting on me.
TIFFANI : And then you hit him with a right hook and sent him flying into a mud puddle.
           That was way cool of you.
JENNY : Hey, he was cheating on my friend.
TIFFANI : Jen, I'm sorry.
JENNY : Me, too.
TIFFANI : Wait -- what about Ted? He's still going to choose one of us.
SHARKEY : Wicks! What do you think you're doing?
TONY : Sharkey, check it out. Without writing it down: they want a double cheeseburger with
        extra onions, hold the mustard: large fries, light salt: BLT, with mayo on the side, and
        a strawberry milk shake, three scoops, not two.
CUSTOMER : Wow, do you eat a lot of fish?
SHARKEY : Very impressive, Wicks. Just one thing. You're not working tonight. You forgot to
            check the schedule!
SLY : All right, let's hear you righteous babes and dudes give it up for California Dreams!
MATT : Let's do it! One, two, three, four...

(MUSIC CUE : "IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU" UP
MATT : NOW WAIT A MINUTE BABY
        I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY
  I GET SO EXCITED
  MY HEART IS RACIN' AWAY
  NOW TAKE A GOOD LOOK
  AND TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE
  THE SMILE ON MY FACE
  IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME
  I WAITED A LONG TIME
  FOR SOMEONE LIKE YOU
  YOU'VE TAKEN MY HEART
  AND MADE IT FEEL BRAND NEW
ALL : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
MATT : I'D BE DOWN AND OUT
  YOU HELPED ME DISCOVER
  WHAT LOVE IS ABOUT
ALL : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU YOU
MATT : YOU BABY
  IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
ALL : YEAH
OH I BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC OF LOVE
THAT YOU'RE AN ANGEL FROM UP ABOVE
BABY WHEN LONELINESS WAS DRAGGIN' ME
DOWN YOU RESCUED ME BEFORE I WAS
DROWNED
YOU SAVED ME
MATT : OH YOU SAVED ME
ALL : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
MATT : I'D BE CRYING ALL NIGHT
ALL : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
MATT : I'D NEVER BE RIGHT
ALL : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
MATT : YOU BABY
ALL : YOU BABY
MATT : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
JENNY/TONY/TIFFANI : YOU
ALL : YEAH
MATT : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
  LIFE WOULDN'T MEAN A THING
  YOU JUST CAN'T IMAGINE
  THE JOY THAT YOU BRING
ALL : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
MATT : YOU BABY
ALL : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
      YEAH
MATT : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU)

SHARKEY : Not bad, Winkle, not bad. The band's great -- the place is packed. Let's try it
            again next week.
SLY : Well, all right! Let's talk terms.
SHARKEY : What's there to talk about? they play Friday night and I give them burgers and
            fries.
SLY : Burgers and fries?
SHARKEY : Well, it ain't Sinatra...but, okay. I'll throw in some onion rings.
SLY : No, Sharkey. I meant we'll play for money.
SHARKEY : Money?! You never said anything about money. Forget it, kid.
SLY : Sharkey, sweetheart, wait up! Onion rigns are cool.
TED : Hi. You guys sounded great. Thanks.
TED : And I wanted you to know, it was a tough decision. And I'm taking the winner to...
JENNY : Sting!
TIFFANI : On, wow!
TED : And, the lucky girl is --
JENNY : Wait. If we let him choose one of us, it might be something the other one may never
         get over. I don't want to know.
TIFFANI : Yeah. His choosing could ruin our friendship forever.
JENNY : I've got new earrings you can wear to the concert. They'll look great on you!
TED : What just happened?
MATT : You know, Teddy, you were much nicer when you were fat.
MATT : Let me buy you a milkshake.

-THE END-