"It's A Guy Thing" / Thursday - January 7, 1999

TONY : Hey, Matt. How did your date with Julie go last night?
MATT : I don't know. I brought her flowers, opened doors for her, paid for dinner--and she
        still didn't kiss me goodnight.
SLY : Hey, do what I do. As soon as you pick her up, plant a big wet one on her. This way, if
      she likes it, BABOOM! If not, ditch her and save your money.
TONY : What you really need is the Tony Wicks Rules of Romance: One, you flatter her. Two,
        be sensitive to her needs.
TONY : Three, when all this romantic nonsense throws her off balance, go for the gold!
MATT : Much as I appreciate the advice, guys, it's not quite my style. It's a little too...uh...
JENNY : Repulasive?
MATT : That's it. I think I can work this one out on my own, thanks.
TIFFANI : You guys. Sometimes you really disappoint me.
JENNY : Don't let them get to you, Tif. They're shallow pigs.
TONY : Ladies, ladies. Don't you think you're being a little harsh?
TIFFANI : No. You are shallow. You don't care how a woman feels -- only how she looks.
TONY : That's not true.
SLY : Yeah.
TONY : Whoa, Mama! Googah-Moo!
SLY : You took the words right out of my mouth.
TIFFANI : Oh, see what I mean? You have never even met that girl, and you're alredy going
           gonzo.
SLY : That's because she's our type.
JENNY : Your type? How could you possibly know?
TONY : Oh, we know. We always know. It's a guy thing. Sort of like women's intuition, only
        more accurate.
JENNY : Oh please. You'd fall in love with a rock if it wore a bikini.
TONY : Hey, I didn't say I was in love with her. I just appreciate her fashion sense.
SLY : Yeah, and personally, Jenny, I am offended. We're not some brainless dogs who live on
      animal instinct alone. So the girl is pretty. It's not like we're running over there, groveling
      at her feet.
JENNY : Maybe you're right. Maybe I did overreact a little.
JENNY : Oh, that's it. Tif, I think it's time we teach these two bozos a lesson.
TIFFANI : I'm not sure, Jenny. You really think this will work?
JENNY : I know it will. All we need is a little imagination, and this... Meet "Monique."
TIFFANI : Mmmm, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty gullible to fall for that.
TIFFANI : Here I'll help.
MATT : Hi, Tif... Whoa...who's your friend?
MATT : Jenny?! Gross!
MATT : What is going on here?
JENNY : Shh. I'll tell you in a minute.
JENNY : Tony! Just the man we wanted to see.
TONY : Yeah. You and a million other ladies. So what's up?
TIFFANI : Jenny's old friend Monique just moved to town and she's very lonely.
TONY : Monique? Sounds French.
JENNY : She's from Paris. We became good friends back in sixth grade when she was here as a
        foreign exchange student.
MATT : Wait a minute. I've met all your friends, I don't remember any Monique.
JENNY : Sure you do, Matt! Remember she had that cute little accent that you loved and that
         RED RED HAIR.
MATT : Oh, that Monique. Yeah. She's a... She's a...
TIFFANI : She's a model. A high fashion model.
JENNY : She's very famous in paris. Haven't You heard of the Perrier girl?
TONY : Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I drink that stuff. So, when can I meet her?
JENNY : How about tomorrow at Sharkey's?
TONY : Oui, oui, baby.
MATT : Okay, let's do it.
TONY : All right, man.
MATT : Uh, Mom, the spin cycle kind of interferes with the tunes.
MOM : Sorry, Matt. It's my week to do the laundry--a chore I do not relish, mind you--and I
       choose to do it now. Unless of course, you'd prefer it to be your week to do it...
MATT : No, no, that's all right. Wash away.
MOM : Then again, go ahead and practice?
MOM : Here you go, Dennis...Jenny...Matt...And last but not least, the man who deserves the
       biggest piece...
MOM : ...Sly.
SLY : Thanks, Mom.
MOM : I am not your mom and I never will be.
DAD : Well, I guess I'll go watch the Dodgers lose another one.
MOM : Not so fast, honey. Uh, I'm afraid the washing machine is dead. We have to talk about
       getting a new one.
DAD : Nonsense. Why waste the money? Me and my boys'll fix it.
MOM : Honey...
DAD : Relax, we know that we're doing. After all, we're men. Right?
MATT : Right, we're men. We can fix anything.
DAD : Right. Dennis, go get that thing with the stuff in it.
DENNIS : You mean the tool box?
DAD : Good man.
JENNY : Excuse me, Sly. I've got to call my friend, Monique.
SLY : Monique, sounds Italian.
JENNY : Roor girl. Here she is, a gorgeous super model, just arrived from Paris, and she's all
         alone because her boyfriend dumped her.
SLY : Dumped? As in ¡°on the rebound¡±?
JENNY : Uh-huh. In fact, she's so vulnerable right now, she'd probably go out with anyone. Isn's
        that sad?
SLY : Tragic...Listen, why don't you let me talk to her?
JENNY : Oh, I don't know, Sly. It's kind of delicate.
SLY : Hey, I'm a delicate guy.
JENNY : All right, if you insist. Hello, Monique? Jenny. Listen, I have someone here who wants
         to say hello.
JENNY : Are you sure you want to --
SLY : Yes. Give me that phone. Monique? Sly Winkle here. Buenos Dias.
TIFFANI : Alo, Sly. I think I remember Jennifer tell me about you.
SLY : Oh, really? Well, I assure you none of it's true.
TIFFANI : Oh, Sly-vester. You are such ze funny man.
SLY : I'm also very deep and sensitive. I'm not a guy who only cares about superficial things...
      So what do you look like?
TIFFANI : Well, I have ze red hairs down to my shoulders...
TONY : Hey.
TIFFANI : Hi, guys. I hope you're not upset about meeting Monique at the same time. But
           Jenny and I didn't want to play favorites.
TONY : No problem. See, once she checks the both of us out, her favorite will be obvious.
SLY : Yeah, me, because I'm the one who knows how to parlee voo France.
TONY : Oh, get out of here, man. You don't know French.
SLY : What's to know? A couple of "oui oui's" there. A "Crepe Suzettes" there. And let us not
      forget the subtle yet invaluable "Ooh-la-la."
TONY : Ooh-la-la? Man, that's ridiculous. Only a stupid-don't-know-the first-thing-about-
        foreign-chicks fool would use a line like ooh-la-la.
TIFFANI : There she is.
TONY : Ooh-la-la.
TIFFANI : Poor girl. She must still be upset about her boyfriend, Pierre, dumping her.
TONY : That's all right. Cause as soon as she meets me, she'll be walking around going:
        "Pierre? Pierre who?"
SLY : Right. And then she'll meet me and we'll live happily ever after in the land of Winkle.
JENNY : Hey, guys. I'm afraid Monique is a little nervous about meeting you two at the same
         time.
TIFFANI : Maybe I can help.
TONY : Hey, you heard her, man. One of us should leave.
SLY : Great. Send us a postcard.
TONY : Okay, okay, we'll settle this fair and square. Jenny, think of a number between one and
        ten.
JENNY : Got it.
TONY : What is it?
JENNY : Seven.
TONY : That's what I thought. Hey, au revoir, Sylvester.
SLY : Oh, man...
SLY : What's going on, Jenny?
JENNY : I don't know. Wait here, I'll go talk to her.
TONY : I can't take it. I'm going after her.
SLY : Last one out misses the babe!
TONY : Ah, man.
TONY : That's weird. Where'd they go?
SLY : I don't know...but Tiffani's in the bathroom. She'll know.
TONY : Sly, wait! You can't go in there!
LARGE WOMAN : Aaaah!!!
SLY : I'm sorry, lady! I was looking for a friend of mine. She's got long blonde hair...
LARGE WOMAN : There is nobody in there, you scuzbucket! The only blonde I saw left a few
                   minutes ago, and she had on a red wig!
TONY/SLY : Red wig?
MATT : Careful, Dad. Don't force it.
DAD : Matt, that's just for people who don't know what they're doing. Remember, the key to
       repairing heavy appliances is brute strength.
MATT : Glue?
DAD : Glue.
MOM : What's going on in here?
DAD : Hi, honey. How was dance class? You look great!
MOM : I said, what's going on in here?
DAD : Ah, everything's under control. We're just rebuilding the thingamajig that's attached to the
       watchamacallit.
MATT : Yeah. It had a loose doo-hickey.
MOM : Thank goodness it wasn't the whoseewhatsit.
MATT : Sorry, Mom, we borrowed a part from the sink, and it...
MOM : Stop. I don't want to know. I'm just going to go upstairs and relax in a nice hot bath.
DAD : Ooh, good work, Dennis, that's the Piece. Where'd you find it?
DENNIS : I pulled it from the bathtub.
DAD : Honey!
SLY : You could of warned us about Monique, Matt!
MATT : Sorry, guys, the girls swore me to secrecy.
SLY : That's not good enough. You owe us. You're gonna help us scam them back.
TONY : Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
MATT : Uh-uh. Pass. And if you're smart you'll forget about it, too.
TONY : You don't think we can do it, huh?
MATT : Nope.
TONY : I can't believe you, Matt! You're a fellow dude, a pal, a member of the fraternity we
        call...
SLY/TONY : MEN!
TONY : How could you doubt us?
MATT : You know, you're right, Tony. I don't know what I was thinking. You guys can do it. Go
        get 'em, man!
TONY/SLY : Yeah!
MATT : They're dead.
JENNY : I can't stop laughing about it.
TIFFANI : I know. "Ooh-la-la."
TONY : Hey, what happened to you guys and Monique?
SLY : Yeah, we searched the beach for so long, I got blisters on my feet.
TONY : What's so funny?
TIFFANI : Oh...nothing. We're just feeling a little silly before paractice.
JENNY : Yeah, you know how us "giggly girls" can be. Anyway, sorry about Monique--uh, she
         was freaking out about meeting the two of you at the same time. So, I had to take
         her home.
SLY : Yeah, we understand. We understand. We'll  just have to meet her separately, that's all.
TONY : Yeah, right, right. And I'll go first, huh?
SLY : You? Why do you get to go first?
TONY : Don't you know the old French saying? "The mademoiselle always digs the second
        dude."
SLY : Oh, right. Yeah.
MATT : Okay, guy, let's stay sharp. Let's do "Into The Tube."
MATT : All right! Let's do it. Two-three-four!

(MUSIC CUE : "INTO THE TUBE"
MATT : WORKING OUT IN THE WAVES OF SUMMER
  FULL ON GNARLY EIGHT AND TENS
  CHECK OUT THE WEATHER CHANNEL, BABY
  ITS GONNA BE INTENSE
  PULL INTO A GLASS HOUSE
  CUT BACK AND DO IT AGAIN
ALL : CLOSE YOUR EYES AND YOU WILL SEE
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE ALIVE
LET THE WAVES SET YOU FREE
MATT : YOU KNOW YOU
JENNY/TONY/TIFFANI : CAN'T STOP
MATT : THE TIDE FROM RISING
JENNY/TONY/TIFFANI : SURFS UP
MATT : THEY'RE BREAKING OUTSIDE
  FROM THE LIGHT OF DAWN
  TO THE MIDNIGHT SUN
  WE'RE GONNA RIDE RIDE RIDE
ALL : INTO THE TUBE
INTO THE TUBE)

SLY : Wait a second! Cut! Cut!
SLY : I never heard that French saying before.
TONY : That's because you're not French.
SLY : Oh yeah. You¡®re not French either.
MATT : Guys, we¡®re rehearsing here. You can argue about that later. Please?
SLY : Youre right, Matthew. Practice does come first. And I, the mature one, will leave.
TONY : Yeah. See you after my date with Monique, Sylvester!
SLY : That does it! Let's go!
MATT : Guys, guys, guys! Cut it out! Look at you two.
JENNY : Matt's right. You guys are taking this way too far. Friends shouldn't fight.
TONY : Yeah, the girl's got a point, man. We might hurt each other.
TONY : Ooh, that's it, man! You want some of this, Sylvester? You got it. Boxing match. You
        and me. Tomorrow at three o'clock. Right here.
SLY : You're on!
TONY : You're on!
SLY : Yeah!
TONY : Yeah. What's up. Do something, Chicken McNugget!
TIFFANI : How can you possibly eat when two of your best friends are going to fight?
MATT : After what they pulled yesterday at practice. I don't care what they do.
JENNY : Tiffani, relax. You know what big talkers Tony and Sly are. They've probably both
         cooled off by now.
SLY : Hey-Ho, guys. Check out what my cousin Vinnie made -- a special Tshirt for me.
MATT : "The Italian Scallion?"
SLY : Okay, so he's not such a hot speller. But the point is I'm raring to go!
TIFFANI : Sly, listen to me. You don't have to go through with this...
TONY : Oh yes he does! See, at three o'clock today I'm going to knock you out for so long
        they're gonna have to call you Sly Van Winkle.
SLY : Yeah?! Remind me to sweat at three O'clock, yeah!
TONY : Come on, man...
TIFFANI : Matt, you've got to stop them.
MATT : Oh no. I'm not getting involved.
TIFFANI : Come on, you're a guy. They won't listen to us.
JENNY : Matt. Don't be such a wimp.
MATT : Wimp?
JENNY : Yeah, wimp. Are you afraid to stand up to your macho friends?
MATT : Wimp? You guys started this with that stupid red wig, and then they staged this stupid
         fake fight. You'll just have to settle it your stupid selves.
JENNY/TIFFANI : Fake fight?
MOM : Hi, honey. Did you have a nice day?
JENNY : Nice? Let's see... We went down to Sharkey's to stop a fight between Sly and Tony,
         only to find out they were scamming us. Now we feel like complete bimbos destined
         to suffer nonstop teasing from our merciless peer group. Son, no Mother, I did not
         have a "nice" day.
MOM : Hi, honey. Did you have a nice day?
TIFFANI : I would say nice, but I'm afraid of Jenny.
JENNY : Aargh! I can't believe those guys could be so low down and deceitful.
MOM : Oh, Jenny, no!
JENNY : Maybe you should start drinking decaf.
MOM : Very funny. Well, at least my men re-assembled the plumbing. Now I can finally wash
       some dishes...
MOM : Or we could use paper plates.
TIFFANI : Why are men always so difficult?
JENNY : I just wish there was some way we could get back at them.
MOM : Trust me. In my experience, the best way to fight these battles with men is to give
       them just enough rope to hang themselves.
JENNY : You mean do nothing? Sorry, Mom, I don't think that's such a hot strategy.
MATT : I told you. We should've listened to Mom.
MOM : Problem, dear?
DAD : Heck no! Just a few more hours, the washer will be running like before.
DENNIS : Yeah, broken.
DAD : Our son the comedian.
JENNY : On second thought, maybe hanging's a good idea.
TONY : I don't like the feel of this, Sylvester. Why haven't the girls stopped us yet?
SLY : Trust me, as soon as they see us like this, they'll be so freaked out, they'll beg us to
      stop.
TONY : Hey, Dennis, why are all these people here?
DENNIS : I sold them tickets to the fight.
TONY : You did what?!
DENNIS : I smelled money.
SLY : Okay, here they are. Savor the moment, Wicks cuz the ladies are about to humble
      themselves.
JENNY : Good luck, guys. Sorry Monique couldn't make it -- she had to work.
TIFFANI : Yeah, but she said she's looking forward to dating whoever has the most teeth at
           the end.
TONY : If that was humble, I must have blinked or something.
SLY : Relax. They just need to see some of our moves. Follow my lead.
SLY : Yeah, Come on. Yeah! Yeah!
SLY : MONIQUE IS MINE,
I'M TELLIN YOU, TONY,
      IF YOU DON'T GIVE UP,
      YOU'LL LOOK LIKE MACARONI
TONY : Come on, yeah!
  I MOVE LIKE A GREYHOUND,
  I BITE LIKE A MUTT,
  WATCH OUT SYLVESTER,
  I'M GONNA WHIP YOUR BUTT.
TONY : Nothing!
SLY : Okay, okay, don't panic. I know.
JENNY : Come on, get on with it!
TIFFANI : Yeah, let's see some punching!
TONY : What do we do now?!
SLY : I don't get it. They're not stopping us. Something is definitely wrong.
TONY : You just realized that now?!
TONY : Matt, you got to stop this thing, man.
MATT : Sorry, Tony, I don't want anymore to do with it.
TONY : Why not?!
MATT : Because I believe the girls have your number.
TIFFANI : Say hello, Monique.
JENNY : Alo, boys!
TONY : Oh, man. I'm outta here.
SLY : Wait for me.
BIG MAN : Whoa. Not so fast, boys. I paid five bucks to see a fight, and I plan on getting my
            money's worth.
SLY : Yeah, and what if we don't?
BIG MAN : Then you gotta fight me.
SLY : Okay, I got a way out of this. I'm going to hit you, you pretend you're knocked out.
TONY : No, no, man. I ain't going down. You go down.
SLY : It's not realistic!
TONY : Oh, and my going down is?
SLY : You said it, not me.
TONY : What's up!
SLY : I can't believe you guys let us go through with it. How could you?
JENNY : You were acting like shallow pigs.
SLY : Oh, sure. Hold that against us.
TONY : Face it, Sylvester, we had it coming to us, man. From now we've got to realize that a
        girl's looks aren't everything. Who she is inside  is important too.
MOM : Jenny, Kimberly's in the living room.
TONY : Kimberly? Isn't that that hot new drum majorette?
SLY : Yeah, the blonde one. Outta my way.
JENNY : Those guys will never change.
MOM : And what about you two? Are you ready to admit we need a new washing machine?
DAD : No. Actually, it's fixed.
MOM : Really? Well, I guess I owe you an apoloty.
DENNIS : Run for your lives!

-THE END-