¡°Romancing The Tube¡±/ Thursday - January 7, 1999

MATT : Hey, uh, Jenny told us you and Kevin borke up. Sorry to hear it.
TIFFANI : Don't be, I'm fine.
JENNY : I can't believe you. The last time I broke up with a guy, I locked myself in my room
         and watched Thirty Something reruns for a month.
TIFFANI : Well, that's one way to deal with it. But I've learned some deeply important lessons
           that'll help me in my future relationships.
TONY : What's that?
TIFFANI : Kevin couldn't swim.
TIFFANI : From now on, I only date surfers.
SLY : Dude, I'm sorry.
TIFFANI : Whoa. Sly with a board. I didn't know he liked surfing.
TONY : No, he doesn't. But he is a major fan of surf chicks. Unfortunately, they'd rather drown
        him than date him. So he came up with a plan: dress like a surf dude, attract surf
        chicks.
SLY : So, ah, which one of you lucky ladies wants to make some waves with Uncle Sly?
SURFER GIRL : Wipe out!
TIFFANI : Shame on you, Sly! Impersonating a surfer! Riding waves is serious stuff. For some
           people it's a way of life. You can't go around exploiting it like that.
SLY : I'm not exploiting it. I'm using it for my own personal gain.
TIFFANI : That's the problem. If you knew how to surf, you'd understand. Why don't you let me
           teach you?
SLY : Ooh, now there's an offer. Learning how to get my head crushed by a thousand tons of
      water while I yell "cowabunga."
TONY : I don't know, Sly. Real surfers get girls on the beach and in the water.
SLY : Cowabunga. I'll catch you guys later.
MATT : Hey, Jenny, check this out. I think it would be cool to get for the band.
JENNY : "The Garage Band Lighting System. Blow away your competition with this pulsating
         extravaganza of color..." You guys are joking, right?
TONY : It's a totally cool-audience-blinding-thousand-points-of -light-piece-of-wizardry.
JENNY : It's also three hundred dollars.
TONY : Of course, candles are good.
MATT : Hey, I know. Listen, Mom's planning on having the upstairs painted. Why couldn't she
        just hire us?
JENNY : Because then, she'd have to hire somebody to do it right.
MATT : Mom!
MOM : You bellowed?
MATT : Yeah, listen. I've got a great idea. Why not let us paint the upstairs for you. We'll do it
        for only three hundred dollars.
MOM : Absolutely not.
JENNY : You know, in some cultures, they eat their first born.
MATT : Please, Mom. Mother. Mommy?
MOM : You're trying to guilt me into this, aren't you?
MATT : Yeah, is it working?
MOM : Yeah.
MATT : Yes!
MATT : Wait, one more thing. Could you pay us in advance...Mommy?
MOM : All right, all right.
SLY : Gather around surf brothers and sufr sisters. Sly just rode his first big wave!
TIFFANI : You're a natural. Show them the surf lingo I taught you.
SLY : Right. "Tomorrow I'm going to launch myself into a gnarly fly-away kick-out."
JENNY : Whoa. What does that mean?
SLY : It means: tomorrow no life-preserver.
TONY : Forget that surf-dude-without-a-clue-talk. How many babes did you scam?
SLY : Tony, It's not about that. Surfing is an art form.
TONY : He hit himself in the head with his board, didn't he?
TIFFANI : No, he really did well. A few more lessons and he'll be a true soul surfer.
JENNY : Well, you better put those lessons on hold. We need Tiffani to help us paint the
         house. We're trying to earn some money for a new lighting system.
SLY : Hey, I love painting. I did my own room.
TONY : Yeah, in purple and black. It looks like a Guns & Roses motel room.
JENY : On second thought, why interrupt Sly's lessons? The three of us can paint it on our own.
MATT : Yeah.
TONY : We got it, man.
TONY : What's up with you two?
TIFFANI : I gave Sly a nickname and he's embarrassed.
SLY : Don't you dare tell them.
TIFFANI : "Splooshy-Nose."
JENNY : I think I'm going to be sick.
MATT : Amazing. The two of you really are getting along.
SLY : I know. Isn't it wild? We're even going to the movies tonight.
JENNY : Movies? As in a date?
SLY : Yep.
JENNY : Are you nuts?! We're talking about Sly. Sylvester Winkle. Doctor Sleaze. Did he
         hypnotize you?
TIFFANI : No, Jenny. Surfing has really opened Sly up. He just wants to be loved and to frolic
           in the waves like a happy porpoise.
WOMAN : "Nobody believed in us, John, but you...you took a chance."
MAN : "That's because I'm crazy about you, kid. I don't care if the whole world knows it."
WOMAN : "Oh, John. Kiss me."
TIFFANI : Oh, Sly, you're crying.
SLY : Get out of here. I'm just upset about paying seven fifty for this garbage.
TIFFANI : I think it's beautiful when a man cries.
SLY : Really? Then you should have seen me during Bambi, because I was a basket case.
TIFFANI : Boy, you and me on a date together. Who'd have believed it?
SLY : Certainly not the gang.
TIFFANI : It's kind of like the movie: "Nobody believed in us, Sly, but you...you tooka chance."
SLY : "That's because I'm crazy about you, kid. And I don't care if the whold world knows it."
TIFFANI : "Oh, Sly. Kiss me."
MATT : Hey, Sly. Where's Tif?
SLY : Ah, she just went out a second ago to check on the surf. I miss her already.
MATT : Ah, I guess we were wrong about you two. Congratulations.
SLY : Thanks.
TONY : Hey, man, congrats.
SLY : Thanks. You know, I've never been happier. Tif is the best. She's...
SURFER GIRL : Sly, I thought you were a Barney, but I saw you out there this morning. I was
                 wondering if you wanted to join me for a couple of waves?
SLY : Me?
SURFER GIRL : Uh-huh.
SLY : ...Um, no thanks.
SLY : Um, as I was saying, the best thing about Tif is she's...
SURFER GIRL : Sly, I've got an extra boogie board. You feel like "Boogying?"
SLY : Ab-ab-absolutely...not...I can't, I'm spoken for.
SLY : What were we talking about?
SURFER GIRL : Sly, I'm having trouble reaching certain parts of my back. Could you rub some  
                 lotion in for me?
SLY : Just the shoulders?... One shoulder, please, Matt?
TONY : T-i-f-f-a-n-i.
SURFER GIRL : Here, I'll help you.
SLY : I can't.
SURFER GIRL : Your loss.
SLY : I know.
SLY : This is a nightmare! I feel guilty even looking at other girls.
MATT : You say that like it's a bad thing.
SLY : It is a bad thing! You know me. I can't not chase other girls... I'm gonna have to break
      up with Tiffani.
TONY : ...And up and down, and up and down... That's it, smooth it on...
MATT : Tony, we've been at this for hours and you haven't even picked up a brush.
TONY : I would jump in and help, but I don't want to spoil the total... symmetyr you've
        attained.
SLY : Hey, guys.
TONY : Woops, Sly's here. Take five.
TONY : Hey, Sylvester, how's it going, man?
MATT : Yeah, did you break up with Tiffani, yet?
SLY : No, not yet. I don't know how. I've never dumped a girl before.
TONY : That's cause you're always the "dumpee."
SLY : Painfully true, Antoine, but, uh, it led met to a perfect solution. I'm not going to dump
      Tif. I'm going to get her to dump me.
JENNY : Sly, Tif is my best friend so don't play games with her. If you're going to do it, just
         do it.
SLY : I'm gonna do it, but I'm gonna do it in my own way. I'm going to tell her if she wants to
      keep dating me she's going to have to abide by certain rules -- tough rules. Rules so
      disgusting she'll dump me on the spot.
TONY : Just when you thought the boy couldn't get any sleazier.
SLY : Thank you. But I'm going to have to try this plan on another woman.
JENNY : Oh no...no, no, no, no.
SLY : No, no, come on, Jenny. I'll read the list and gauge your response. All you have to do is
      react freely and honestly.
JENNY : Well, I guess I could do that.
SLY : Okay, great. "One. When in public, always walk one step behind me."
SLY : That one's a keeper. "Two. When getting dressed, ask yourself: would Sly like this?"
SLY : Excellent. "Three. Always carry a picture of me and kiss it after every meal."
SLY : Yep, I'm pretty sure these'll work. Thanks, Jen.
JENNY : My pleasure.
TONY : Okay, kids, back to work. That lighting system's not going to pay for itself.
MATT : I think we've heard just about enough from Foreman Wicks.
TONY : Oh no...don't, don't you dare. Come on...
MATT : Oops.
DENNIS : Hey! Mom said to knock it off!
DENNIS : Well she did.
DENNIS : Uh-oh.
SLY : Hey, I'm sorry, babe, but I need total commitment. Oh, I'll understand fully if you want to
      back out.
TIFFANI : Don't be ridiculous, Sly. I'd love to commit to this.
SLY : What? Even the part about washing, drying, and powdering my feet every Sunday?
TIFFANI : Maybe. You're simply stating what your needs are up front. I wish I'd had that with
           Kevin. Of course, you'll have to agree with everything on my list.
SLY : Your list?
TIFFANI : Sure, Splooshy. I have needs too. Tonight I'll write up my list, and tomorrow we'll
           formalize our new found commitment in a surfer soul swapping ceremony.
SLY : A what?
TIFFANI : A soul-swapping ceremony, silly. It's the customary way for Pacific Coast surfers to
           seal their eternal love.
SLY : Oh, boy.
TIFFANI : I know. Isn't it exciting?!
MATT : A surfer soul-swapping ceremony?
SLY : Yeah. And I don't even know what it is. This whole thing's gotten out of control. It's time
      to face things like a man and put a stop to it... Tell her I died.
TIFFANI : Sly, what are you doing at rehearsal?
SLY : I, um...had to see you.
TIFFANI : Isn't he romantic? He can't stand to be apart from me.
SLY : Tiffani, we have to talk about the ceremony.
TIFFANI : In a minute. First I have a song to sing for you. Guys, you know the one.
MATT : Let's do it.

(MUSIC CUE : "LET ME BE THE ONE"
TIFFANI : OOH
TIFFANI/JENNY : LET ME BE THE ONE
TIFFANI : CHECK IT OUT
STOP DRAGIN YOURSELF AROUND
THINKIN EVERYBODY HAS LET YOU DOWN
WE ALL NEED A LITTLE HELP TO GET
THROUGH
DON'T YOU KNOW I'LL BE HERE FOR YOU
TIFFANI/JENNY : LET ME BE THE ONE
TIFFANI : TO MAKE IT RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF
TIFFANI/JENNY : LET ME BE THE ONE
TIFFANI : IN THIS CRAZY LIFE DON'T THINK OF NOBODY ELSE
TIFFANI/JENNY : IF YOU LOSE YOUR WAY
TIFFANI : COME TO ME
TIFFANI/JENNY : I'LL BE THERE ALWAYS
TIFFANI : I GUARANTEE
WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE
TIFFANI/JENNY : LET ME BE THE ONE
TIFFANI : OOOH THESE ARE THE PROMISES I WANT
TO MAKE
JENNY : I WANT TO MAKE
TIFFANI : I WANT TO MAKE
CHANGE THE TEARS IN YOUR EYES
TO A SMILE ON YOUR FACE
AT LEAST LET ME TRY TIL I FIND A WAY
OOH
LET ME
TIFFANI/JENNY : LET ME BE THE ONE
TIFFANI : TO MAKE IT RIGHT WHEN YOUR ALL BY
YOURSELF
TIFFANI/JENNY : LET ME BE THE ONE
TIFFANI : IN THIS CRAZY LIFE DON'T THINK OF
NOBODY ELSE
TIFFANI/JENNY : I'LL BE YOUR SUNSHINE
TIFFANI : WHEN IT RAINS
TIFFANI/JENNY : I'LL GIVE YOU MY TIME
TIFFANI : JUST CALL MY NAME
WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE
TIFFANI/JENNY : LET ME BE THE ONE
LET ME BE THE ONE OOH
LET ME BE THE ONE)

TIFFANI : What did you want to tell me about the ceremony?
SLY : Uh, tell you? That I'm totally psyched and I can't wait. Let's go talk about the
      "arrangements." See you guys.
DENNIS : Hey, you guys got a special delivery in the kitchen.
MATT : All right, the lighting system! Thanks, Dennis.
DENNIS : Not so fast. I gave the delivery man a tip. So, you owe me five bucks.
MATT : That was really nice, Dennis. Here you go.
DENNIS : Sucker.
MATT : All right, here it is. The moment we've all been waiting for -- The Garage Band
        Lighting System. Drum roll, please!
TONY : Yo, what's with this bubble-gum-boy-scout-cereal-box flashlight, man? We got ripped
        off!
JENNY : Easy, Tony, we'll just return it.
TONY : It's non-refundable.
JENNY : Man, we got ripped off!
MATT : Wait a minute. It's not so bad. Here are the colored gels they talked about.
MATT : Man, we got ripped off!
MOM : All right, guys, we made a deal. I gave you three hundred dollars to paint the upstairs,
       and Matt's room looks like a Guns & Roses motel room.
JENNY : Ah, sorry, Mom, we sort of threw in the towel.
MOM : Well, if you're not going to finish the job, I want my money back.
JENNY : Oh, yeah. The money.
MATT : Uh, that might be a problem, Mom. We sort of already spent it on the lighting system.
MOM : I see. Well then, I'm going to have to confiscate it until you pay me back.
MATT : You mean, take the lighting system?
MOM : You leave me no choice.
TONY : Oh, no, no, Mrs. Garrison, not the lighting system... Anything but that!
MOM : Look as a parent, you have to draw the line somewhere. Now I hope that one day you'll
       all understand.
SLY : Hey, guys, thanks for making it.
TONY : Hey, man, we wouldn't miss this googah-moo-bikini-city-sun-splash-bash for
        anything.
MATT : What he's trying to say is, good luck.
SLY : Thanks. You know, I was a little scared at first, but now I'm psyched. I'm glad Tiffani and
      Kevin broke up.
SLY : Otherwise, we never would have found each other.
SLY : Shhh. It's the Grand Surf Guru.
SURF GURU : Let the ceremony begin.
SURF GURU : Sylvester, it's time to beckon your dudette.
SLY : Oh, dudette, the surf is cold, come warm my heart!
JENNY : For the last time, we're talking about Sly. Are you still sure you want to do this?
TIFFANI : Of course I.
SURFER : Whoa. What a bodacious Betty!
TIFFANI : Excuse me, but the name is Tiffani.
SURFER : Oh...Well, how's this : What a bodacious Tiffani!
TIFFANI : Much better.
JENNY : Uh, Tiffani... Tiffani, the ceremony? The ceremony.
TIFFANI : Huh? Oh, the ceremony.
SLY : You ready?
SURF GURU : There's major wave breakage going on out there, so I'll make this quick.
SUFRERS : Cowabunga.
SURF GURU : You're welcome... We are gathered here to swap two surf souls in an ancient
               ceremony that predates even the early days of Frankie and Annette.
SURF GURU : Tiffani, Sylvester, do you guys solemnly swear to respect one another from the
               first set in the morning until the last set at night?
SLY/TIFFANI : We do.
SURF GURU : In wipe-outs and low tide, til the great tsunami pulls you apart?
SLY/TIFFANI : We do.
SURF GURU : Excellent. Okay, okay, now, remember these vows are not to be taken lightly.
               Once you've uttered the soul-swapping vows, it's totally uncool to scope other
               Betties and Tommies. Is this understood?
SLY : Definitely.
TIFFANI : Um, yeah... I guess so.
SURF GURU : Very well then. Sylvester, do you take this dudette to be your totally rad soul
               mate?
SLY : Cowabunga.
SURF GURU : Tiffani, do you take this dude to be your totally rad soul mate?
SLY : Come on, Tif, it's bad karma to keep the Guru waiting.
TIFFANI : No...I can't do it. I have a confession to meke. I just scoped a Tommy. I'm sorry,
           Sly. If I'm interested in dating other guys, I realize now I can't commit to you. It
           wouldn't be fair.
SLY : What are you talking about?
TIFFANI : I guess I needed to fill the void after breaking up with Kevin.
SLY : So you're telling me I'm just your rebound?
TONY : Boing, boing, boing.
TIFFANI : I don't know what to say.
SURF GURU : I do. Ceremony's over. Surf's up!
TIFFANI : I'm really really sorry, Sly.
SLY : That's okay. It's what I get for going out on a limb.
TONY : Ah, come on, Sly. It's no big thing. So you got dissed. So you fell flat on your face. So
        you got your heart broken. Soooo...somebody want to help me out here?
JENNY : I thought you were doing great.
MATT : Sly, it's good to lose something once in a while. It builds character.
SLY : Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm just going to need some time to heal.
SURF GURU : Sorry things didn't work out, Sly, but we really dig your sensitivity.
SURF GURU : Yeah, for sure. Want to cool out and catch a few waves with us?
SLY : Let the healing begin.

-THE END-