"JAKE'S SONG" / Friday - January 8, 1999

JENNY : Hey, how's the new song coming, Matt?
MATT : Well, I'm trying to write some lyrics, but it's just not happening.
SLY : Well, make it happen. Nobody listens to songs without words.
TONY : Have you ever heard of Beethoven?
SLY : What does he know? He's a dog.
TIFFANI : Let me go! Let me go!
STINGRAY : Whoa! Mellowness, dudette.
JENNY : Hey! What's going on?
TIFFANI : I was snaked by a shark.
MATT : Oh, man. Are you okay, right?
STINGRAY : I'm fine, thanks for asking, dude.
SLY : Not you, her.
STINGRAY : Her? The beyyt's bonkers, man. She wanted to go after her board.
TONY : Yo, are you nuts? That shark would tear your butt into tiny-Tiffani-tater-tots.
SANDFLEA : Yo, Tiff. I found your board.
TIFFANI : Awesome!
SANDFLEA : What was left of it, anyway.
TIFFANI : Oh, no. This was my brand new board. What am I going to do? I can't afford another
           one.
TONY : Well, Sharkey's looking for a new waiter.
TIFFANI : Wow. That would be terrific.
TONY : Yeah, terrific for me. Because then I'd be the head waiter.
JENNY : Oh, then you'll make more money?
TONY : No, but then, I'll get to boss everybody around. That's better than money.
SLY : Nothing's better than money. You're a sick man, Tony.
TONY : Heads up. It's Jake Sommers and his Bimbo Brigade.
JENNY : Look at them. They're all over him.
TIFFANI : Like zits on a chocolate fiend.
SLY : Shut up! If Jake hears you he'll come over here and kill us to death.
TIFFANI : I heard he beat up a teacher.
JENNY : I heard he beat up the principal.
MATT : I heard he blew up the school board. The guy's wacko.
MATT : Do you think he heard me?
TONY : If I were you, I'd put 911 on speed dial.
MR. APPLEMAN : "P." "O." "Et." "Ree." Poetry! I'm sure all you future Walt Whitmans are very
                   well acquainted with poetry.
SANDFLEA : It's, words that rhyme, right? Like, "surf" and "turf."
SLY : Excuse me, Mr. Appleman. Before we start I have an idea.
MR. APPLEMAN : Everyone stop! Note the time!! Mr. Winkle, he's got idea!!! Oh, pray, do
                   share your little nugget of wisdom with us.
SLY : I was hoping we could write our poems to music.
MR. APPLEMAN : Ah, "Music Poetry." Now that's a capital idea. But alas, we have no music.
SLY : Alas, we do. Matt's got a tape of his new song right here. And double alas, a tape deck.
MR. APPLEMAN : A coincidence of grand proportion, Mr. Winkle.
MATT : What are you doing?
SLY : It's perfect. We've got fifteen chances for some decent lyrics, here. If we like one, we
      steal it, and baboom, the Dreams have a new song for Friday night's gig.
MR. APPLEMAN : Very well, commence writing.
MR. APPLEMAN : Time. Right, we shall spend the remainder of class listening to your poetry.
                   Mr. "Surf and Turf", would you begin?

(MUSIC CUE : BEGINNING OF SONG
SANDFLEA : THE AWESOMEST SIGHT TO ME,
             RAD WAVES IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA.
             I SURF THEM BODACIOUSLY,
 IT FEELS SO GNARLY.
LAWRENCE : I WATCH MY WEALTH MULTIPLY,
    I NEVER USE CASH TO BUY,
  MY CREDIT CARD LIMIT'S HIGH,
  I'M A FILTHY RICH GUY.)

TONY : Yo, Tiff. If you still want that waitress job, Sharkey will see you at lunch.
TIFFANI : Definitely. So, I guess you'll be the head waiter then?
TONY : Please. I prefer to call it the all-powerful-order-giving-supreme-sultan-of-Sharkey's.
MATT : They stunk, Sly. The only thing that would have been worse was if Jake Sommers had
        written lyrics.
MATT : Can you imagine what that would have been like?
MATT : "I GROUND MY MOTHER INTO BARLEY, WHEN I RODE OVER HER HEAD WITH MY
         HARLEY." He's right behind me, isn't he?
MATT : Uh, hi Jake. How you doing?
JAKE : I want to see you right here after school, Garrison... alone.
MATT : Oh, man.
TIFFANI : Tony, Tony! I got the job!
TONY : Yes! All right! It worked! It worked!
TIFFANI : It's really nice that you're so happy for me.
TONY : Who cares about you? This means I'm the new head waiter. Now, your first job is to go
        scrape the gum from under the tables.
TIFFANI : Uh, no, Tony. You don't understand.
TONY : Yeah, I do. I'm the new head waiter, you're the new waitress. Now go scrape.
TIFFANI : No, Tony. I'm the new manager. You're still the old waiter. Sharkey liked the way I
           handled myself in the interview.
TONY : So, he made you the manager?!
TIFFANI : His exact words were: "the guys will take orders from you, cause you're cuts." Now,
           go bus table eight, fill the ketchup bottles and then scrape the gum from under the
           tables.
TONY : I don't believe this.
JAKE : Hey, Garrison, don't forget - three o'clock in the hall.
TIFFANI : What did Jake want this time?
JENNY : Nothing much. He was reminding Matt that he's still going to kill him.
TIFFANI : Oh, come on. Stop it. You don't know he wants to beat Matt up.
SLY : Of course he's going to kill him. He's just playing with his food before he eats it.
TONY : Matthew, I think it's time you learned some self-defense. I'm going to teach you how to
        disable a man with one finger.
SLY : You couldn't take cookies from a girlscout. If anyone's going to teach Matt it's me.
TONY : What are you going to do, teach him how to run?
SLY : I'll teach you how to run - right into my fist.
TONY : Oh, yeah? Let's go you big pudding-headed-chicken-armed-dipwad.
MATT : You guys are ridiculous. I'm just going to have to face the guy.
TIFFANI : And, Tony, if you want to fight, do it on your own time - not Sharkey's.
TONY : What?
TIFFANI : Don't you have some gum to scrape?
TONY : Don't you have some gum to scrape?
JENNY : You're the new all-powerful-order-giving-supreme-sultan-of-Sharkey's?
TIFFANI : You got it, baby.
MATT : Five. Four. Three. Two. One.
MATT : It's three o'clock. What a jerk.
MATT : He probably stayed after class to mug a freshman.
MATT : I did it again, didn't I?
TONY : Don't worry, man, we've got your back.
SLY : One-hundred percent.
JAKE : It's a good thing you showed up. I want to talk to you...
JAKE : ...alone.
TONY : Later, Matt.
SLY : Hasta la vista!
MATT : Look, Jake, I'm not very good at fighting. In fact, I'm awful. But I'm not going down
        without trying to defend myself.
JAKE : I don't want to fight you.
MATT : So, come on. Punch me out and get it over with. I'm...what?!
JAKE : I said I don't want to fight.
MATT : Well, if you don't want to kill me, then what do you want?
JAKE : I like your song. I'm impressed.
MATT : Thanks. Glad you like it. I'll be seeing you.
JAKE : I wrote some lyrics.
MATT : What?
JAKE : For your song. It has a lot of soul. I thought with the right words, it could really be
       great.
MATT : Wow. These are excellent. I didn't think you knew how to write... I mean, write lyrics.
JAKE : I know what you meant. Look, I write poems all the time. This one's not done yet.
       Maybe we could finish it together.
MATT : Together? Like you and me in the same room?
JAKE : Come on. I'm not going to beat you up if you don't like one of my lines. But if you don't
        like two of my lines, you're dead.
MATT : I-I-I-I-I-I...
JAKE : I'm kidding!
MATT : I knew that. Why don't we go back to my house - I've got a piano.
JAKE : Cool. I'll give you a ride on my bike.
MATT : Cool.
SLY : We'll save you, Matt!!
MATT : THE MOMENT WE SAID GOODBYE, I FELT SOMETHING IN ME DIE. BUT A MAN
        CAN'T BREAK DOWN AND CRY, AND SAY PLEASE DON'T GO. Wow, these are
        really good Lyrics, Jake.
JAKE : You mean it? You're not just saying that, right?
MATT : Why would I do that?
JAKE : Because you're afraid I'd rip out your spleen.
MATT : Well, I admit I would have said I liked them even if I didn't like them. But I like them.
        Thank God.
JAKE : Man, this is cool. I'm so psyched. I've written stuff before, but I've never heard it with
       music. Man, you really made it pop.
MATT : Thanks. Can I ask you something? Did you really beat up your teacher?
JAKE : No.
MATT : And at your last school, you didn't really break the quarterback's arm?
JAKE : Man, why do people go around telling lies? I broke his legs.
MATT : Both legs?!
JAKE : Yup. The "official" story is the bad biker beat up the quarterback and got thrown out of
        school.
MATT : So, what was the real story?
JAKE : The bad biker got jumped by the football team because the quarter back's girlfriend had
       a thing for him.
MATT : Oh, so you didn't get expelled?
JAKE : Oh yeah, I got expelled. That's why I'm here. But that's okay because the girls are
        prettier here and they really dig my rep.
MATT : It must be incredible to get any girl you want.
JAKE : You mean any bimbo. I could never have someone smart and classy - like Jenny.
MATT : Jenny? My sister?!
JAKE : Yeah, she's really cool.
MATT : Jenny?
JAKE : Yeah. But, smart girls like her never go for guys like me.
MATT : My sister?
JAKE : Yeah, you know, the girl who lives down the hall. But, uh, don't say anything to her,
       okay.
MATT : You got it.
JAKE : Well, I've got to blow. I've got to pick up my Mom from work.
MATT : On your bike?
JAKE : Well, actually, it's her bike. Mine's in the shop.
MATT : Well, so, what about finishing the song?
JAKE : If you still have that tape from English class I'll work on it at home.
MATT : Yeah, it's in my jacket.
JENNY : Matt, thank goodness you're here.
SLY : We thought that animal, Jake, killed you.
SLY : J-J-J-Jake. Hey, buddy.
TIFFANI : What did you do to Matt?!
MATT : Nothing. I'm fine.
JAKE : Thanks, Matt. I'll see you later.
TONY : Matt, are you crazy? Showing him where you live? He could come back here and wipe
        out your whole family.
TIFFANI : Tony, relax. It's obvious that Matt is fine. You're overreacting.
TONY : Relax? Oh, is that another order? Now you're my boss here, too?
JENNY : Cut it out! Matt, what happened with Jake? Did you guys fight?
MATT : We didn't fight. He's a good guy.
SLY : Oh, yeah. And John Candy looks good in bikini briefs.
MATT : ...He only wanted to show me some lyrics. He's a great guitar player and I want him to
        join the band.
MATT : THE MOMENT WE SAID GOOD-BYE. I FELT SOMETHING IN ME DIE...
SLY : Matt. Matt, we've been talking, and I don't want Jake in the band, Jenny doesn't want Jake
      in the band, Tiffani doesn't want Jake in the band and Tony, ah, he'll do whatever Tiff
      tells him.
TONY : Shut up, man! She may be my boss, but she can't tell me what to think!
TIFFANI : Tony, don't be so angry.
TONY : Sorry, Tiff. Now you cut that out!
MATT : Fine. Obviously I can't win - it's four against one. So if you guys don't want him in the
         band, you tell him, he's coming to practice.
TONY : How about you, Tiffani? Since you're so good at managing people, maybe you can
        manage to tell him.
TIFFANI : Fine, I will.
SLY : Just be tactful. With my luck, he'll be a gentleman and he'll hit me instead of you.
TIFFANI : Don't worry about it. Sharkey says I'm a people person.
JAKE : Hey, you ready?
TIFFANI : Hi, Jake. Don't bother taking out your guitar. We don't want you in the band.
TONY : Oh yeah, delicate as a sledge hammer.
TIFFANI : Okay, look Jake, we're sure that you're a very nice person under all that leather, but
           you're just not our kind of person.
JAKE : So, do you all feel this way?
MATT : Sorry, Jake. I was outvoted.
JAKE : Hey, it's alright, Matt. I don't want to be someplace I'm not wanted. Here, I finished the
       song.
SLY : Excellent! We got rid of the motorhead and we stole his song.
MATT : I can't believe you guys. You made up your minds about Jake without even knowing
        him. Here's your new song, Sly. Sing it yourself.
TONY : Yo, Sly, why don't you read it.
SLY : "Bambie Taylor. Four-five-nine..."
JENNY : The other side.
TIFFANI : These are really good.
JENNY : They're beautiful.
TONY : I can't believe Jake wrote this.
SLY : I can't believe I got Bambie Taylor's phone number. Do you know how long I've wanted
      to go out...?
JENNY : Matt was right. We've got to apologize to Jake.
SLY : This is crazy. I can't believe we're actually looking for Jake Sommers.
TONY : I know. I feel like a twinkie looking for Oprah.
JENNY : Stop it! We loved his lyrics and Matt said he's a really nice guy.
TIFFANI : Hey, Jake, do you have a second? We'd like to talk.
JAKE : Are you sure you want to be seen talking to someone like me? I mean, I might... "kill
       you to death."
SLY : Oh, you heard that, huh? Listen, Jake, if I may call you Jake. I always liked you. It was
      them. I tried to tell them but they wouldn't listen.
TONY : Be quiet, pinhead. Look, man, we wanted to tell you that we really liked your lyrics.
JENNY : And, we're sorry we didn't give you a chance.
JAKE : So what do you mean? Now you want me in your band?
JAKE : I don't know. I've got to think about it. See, I'm not sure if you're the "kind of people"
       that I want to be in a band with.
TIFFANI : Tony, before you do that, could you get some water for table two?
TONY : Get somebody else to do it. I'm off the clock.
TIFFANI : Well, you'll never get ahead with that kind of attitude.
TONY : That's it! I can't handle this anymore. You're driving me nuts. Tiffani, you need to quit.
TIFFANI : I'm not quitting. If you're not happy here, you quit.
TONY : I'm not quitting - I was here first. You'll have to fire me.
TIFFANI : Okay, if that's what you want.
TONY : Ha. Ha-ha-ha! You wouldn't dare.
TIFFANI : You're fired.
TONY : You can't fire me, I quit. Wait up a second. I can't quit, I need the money. But, the
        only reason you took this job was to get a new surfboard, right?
TIFFANI : Yeah?
TONY : Here! Here's a new surfboard. Now, you don't need the job anymore.
TIFFANI : Wow! A Johnny Himalaya Wavebreaker 300! This is an awesome board! But what is
           Sharkey going to say?
TONY : Aw, Sharkey won't mind. A board with an authentic "shark" bite gives this place a touch
        of cool. He'll probably give the genius who thought of it a promotion.
TIFFANI : Thanks, Tony. I quit.
SLY : Come on, tony, pray for a date later. We've got a gig to play.
JENNY : Matt, what song do you want to play first?
MATT : I want to play Jake's song. Anyone have a problem with that?
MATT : What's up? Change your mind?
JAKE : I don't know. You and I make a pretty good team. But, I never played with the rest of
       these guys.
JENNY : Well, you never know, we may be good together.
JAKE : Maybe.

(MUSIC CUE : "IF YOU ONLY KNEW"
MATT : THE MOMENT WE SAID GOODBYE
  I FELT SOMETHING IN ME DIE
  BUT A MAN CAN'T BREAK DOWN AND CRY
  AND SAY PLEASE DON'T GO
JENNY : THE MOMENT I WALKED AWAY
  I KNEW I'D REGRET THAT DAY
  BUT I WAS TOO PROUD TO SAY
  I STILL NEED YOU SO
JENNY/MATT : IF YOU ONLY KNEW
    WHAT WAS IN MY HEART
    WE WOULDN'T SPEND A SINGLE MINUTE MORE APART
    IF YOU ONLY KNEW
JENNY : WHAT WAS IN MY SOUL
JENNY/MATT : YOU WOULD KNOW THAT I NEED YOU TO
    MAKE ME WHOLE
    I'D BE BACK LOVING YOU IF YOU ONLY KNEW)

TIFFANI : I thought we sounded pretty good.
TONY : Yeah, I thought so, too. How about you, Jenny?
JENNY : I like him.
MATT : So, what do you say, Jake?
JAKE : Not bad. Maybe you guys are my kind of people, after all.
JAKE : I know you're not touching me.
SLY : Me? Never. But, uh, now that you're under Sly Winkle management, tell me, what's Bambie
      Taylor really like?
JAKE : She's more than you can handle, "Wimple."
MATT : Before we play our next tune, I'd like you to meet the newest member of California
        Dreams, Jake Sommers.
MATT : Okay, let's do it!