"DIRTY DOG DAYS" / Friday - January 8, 1999

TONY : Alright, Matt. Here's the shot. Down the driveway, off the mailbox, onto Sly's roof,
        back to the driveway, through the hoop.
MATT : Big deal. I've done that.
TONY : Nothing but net!
MATT : Ooh.
MATT/tony : Oops!
JAKE : Alright, who threw the ball?
TONY : It was Matt. I told him be couldn't make that shot.
JAKE : Well, Larry Birdbrain next time listen to Air Moron. So, why don't we jam? Where are
       the girls?
MATT : Well, Tiffani's waxing her board and Jenny's waxing her legs.
JENNY : Ouch!
JAKE : I guess she's done.
SLY : Hey-go, hombres. Check this bad boy out.
TONY : All right, Sylvester!
MATT : Really cool.
SLY : Sure is.
TONY : Hey, man, it's hot, it's the best, it's incredible...What is it?
JAKE : It's one of those old time radio transmitters. Where'd you steal it from, Sly?
SLY : I didn't steal it. I inherited it from my cousin Monte.
TONY : Oh, man. I'm sorry. When did he die?
SLY : Aw, he's not dead, yet. He's still in the hospital. But the doctor said he's a gonner, so
      we're taking his stuff early.
TONY : Yo, man, this thing doesn't work.
SLY : Darn. I knew I should have gone for the C.D. player.
MATT : Who cares. We can still mess around and do a Dee Jay thing.
JAKE : Yeah.
JAKE : This is Midnight Mike, riding these night waves with the hottest band to bust out of
       England in years. These are the Dirty Dogs, and, man, they walk stout. First, meet the
       man who lashes out those wicked guitar licks, Fang.
MATT : Evening, mate. This is our first time, you know, in bloody California. It's bloody nice.
        Even bloody-well went to me first hockey game.
JAKE : And what do you think?
MATT : Kind of bloody.
JAKE : And next to Fang is that chickthriller...
JAKE : And heart-stealer, Cujo, on drums.
TONY : I want to thank me buddy, Axi Rose for lending me his groupies. Cheers Axl, but I'm
        keeping the seventeen blondes for meself.
SLY : Me, me, me, come on, me.
JAKE : Oh, yeah, here's the band's roadie, Fetch.
SLY : I'm Fetch? The roadie?
MATT : That's right. We could use another soda here. Go ahead and fetch, Fetch.
JAKE : Well, I know how mega-jammed your calendar is, so muchas gracias for stopping by.
TONY : Cheers, Midnight Mike.
MATT : Tally Ho!
JAKE : This is Midnight Mike, telling all you young and wild ones you only get to be young
       and wild once. So stay stout.
MATT : That was a blast, man. We should've taped it.
SLY : Yeah, why do I have to be the roadie? Now everybody thinks I'm lame.
TONY : Nobody heard it but us.
JAKE : Yeah, and we already know you're lame.
GUY #1 : So I told her, hey, I'm only going to be young and wild once.
GUY #2 : That's so stout.
TONY : Did he just say "stout?"
GIRL #1 : I am dying to meet that major-hunkage Cujo.
GIRL #2 : And that Fang...grrr.
SLY : And, ladies, how about that Fetch?
GIRL #1 : The Roadie? Barf it up!
JAKE : Whoa! That transmitter really works.
MATT : Yeah. I can't believe people actually heard us.
TIFFANI : Hey, guys! Did you hear that cool pirate radio station?
JENNY : Yeah, they cut in on K-SAND.
SLY : Everybody in school listens to K-SAND.
TIFFANI : Yeah, and everyone's talking about the Dirty Dogs.
JENNY : And Midnight Mike...
JAKE : Oh, yeah? You liked Midnight Mike?
JENNY : Madly, totally, and passionately.
JAKE : I take that as a yes.
JENNY : And he's incredibly brave. I mean, the way he's going up against the system by
         broadcasting illegally.
TONY : Illegal? As in not legal?
TIFFANI : Illegal as in, "warden, can I have more mush?"
JENNY : Does anybody know who Midnight Mike is?
JAKE : Well, I--
SLY : No idea. Sorry.
TIFFANI : We're going down to the music store to see if they have any Dirty Dog CDs.
JENNY : Stay stout, guys.
SLY : Stay stout. Did you hear that?
SLY : Ow! Ow! Ow!
JAKE : You touched me, Winkle. You touched my mouth.
SLY : Ow, Jake, wait a minute. Before you kill me, my hands were clean. Plus, you know it had
      to be important for me to take a risk like that.
JAKE : You have thirty seconds to live. Make it good!
SLY : You can't tell anyone about the broadcast.
JAKE : Why not?
TONY : Because there's no women in prison.
MATT : We've got to tell Jenny and Tiffani.
SLY : No way. The more people who know, the bigger the chance of us getting caught.
SLY : Baboom. I got it!
JAKE : Don't baboom in my ear.
SLY : Listen. Everyone loves the Dirty Dogs, right? So, Midnight Mike plays one of the Dreams   
      songs and says it's the Dogs. And baboom, we reveal it's really the Dreams and cash in.
JAKE : Forget it, Wimple. You're not sucking us into some insane plan.
GIRL #2 : Everyone to the gym. We're forming a Dirty Dog posse. We're going to hunt them
           down and kiss them.
JAKE : Midnight Mike presents...the Dirty Dogs.
JAKE : It's amazing how fast Midnight Mike caught on.
MATT : Yeah, everybody loves the guy...especially Jenny.
JAKE : She really digs me, huh?
MATT : No. She digs Midnight Mike. It's kind of funny...
JAKE : I'm not laughing.
MATT : Well, it's not laugh-out-loud-kind-of-funny, but it's...it's...let's just do the show.
JAKE : Smart idea. Alright, run for your lives, all ye young and wild homo sapiens, Midnight
       Mike is back.
JAKE : And now something the running cool have all been waiting for...
JANNY : Hey, it's Midnight Mike! He is so hot! Turn it up! Turn it up!
JAKE : Zip up your leather, because here's the latest release by...The Dirty Dogs!
JENNY : Hey, that's not the Dirty Dogs, that's us.
TIFFANI : I know. Midnight Mike must have made a mistake.
JENNY : No, no, no, Midnight Mike would never make a mistake like that. It must be a sign.
TIFFANI : A sign?
JENNY : It's his way of saying "Jenny Garrison, come correct the error of my ways with the
         wisdom of your lips.
TIFFANI : It's a sign, alright, that you're one papaya short of a fruit salad. Come on, let's go
           tell the guys.
TONY : I got to hand it to you, Sylvester, for the first time in your life your plan worked. They
        love the song and I'm not sharing a jail cell with a tattooed man named Snake.
SLY : Hey, was there ever any doubt?
TONY : Don't push it, man.
SLY : Why don't you do the honors, Antoine?
TONY : Why thank you, Sylvester.
JAKE : There you have it. "Low Road"by the Dirty Dogs. Now, check out this tuneage.
TONY : Great tune, huh? Well, I think it's time you knew the truth. The Dirty Dogs are really
        California Dreams.
GUY #1 : Join the planet, man. The Dirty Dogs are from England!
SLY : Step aside. Watch a professional.
SLY : Hey, dudes, did you know like this is a totally bodacious publicity stunt? The Dirty Dogs
      are really California Dreams.
STINGRAY : Ah, no way.
SLY : Way.
STINGRAY : No. I meant no way, as in, no way!
SLY : I don't believe these twits. Hey, what's the matter with you people? That wasn't the Dirty
      Dogs, it was California Dreams.
TONY : Great! Great! Now we've got a hit song, but nobody believes it's us. I should have
        known better than to listen to you.
JAKE : Hey, hey, put your minds on a leash and take a walk on the wild side with more Dirty
       Dogs.
SLY : Well, let's go tell Jake and Matt our plan didn't work.
TONY : Our plan? Oh, I see. So, when it doesn't work, it's our plan, huh, needlehead?
TIFFANI : Guys! Do you hear that? Midnight Mike is stealing another one of our songs.
JENNY : No. It's the Dirty Dogs. Midnight Mike would never do anything so uncool.
TIFFANI : Get real, Jenny. For all you know, Midnight Mike could be a bald, fat, toothless
           psycho with three delinquent kids.
JENNY : I love kids.
SLY : Ah, guys, it's my fault. I gave Midnight Mike could be a bald, fat, toothless psycho with
      three delinquent kids.
JENNY : I love kids.
SLY : Ah, guys, it's my fault. I gave Midnight Mike a demo. And I thought it would be good for
      the Dreams. Right, Tony?
TONY : Uh, yeah...
SLY : And we're on our way over to Midnight Mike's now to chew him out. Right, Tony?
TONY : Yeah! Chew, chew, chew.
JENNY : You know Midnight Mike? I'm coming with you.
SLY : Oh, no, Jenny. It's just too dangerous.
JENNY : Dangerous? How?
TONY : Well, like you said, it's illegal. Now, go home where it's nice and safe. And let us take
        care of all the dangerous stuff.
TIFFANI : All right, you guys talk to Midnight, and we'll go tell Matt and Jake.
SLY/TONY : No!
JENNY : Why not?
TONY : Because, because they're watching the five o'clock news.
TIFFANI : But it's only four o'clock.
SLY : Yeah, but so much happened today, they started early.
JENNY : Sly, if brains were cereal, you'd be snap, crackle and duh. Let's go, Tiff.
TONY : Come on. Let's go call Matt and Jake to warn them.
SLY : Duh?
TONY : Excuse me, is this going to be long? It's kind of an emergency
LITTLE OLD WOMAN : I'm done now. No answer.
SLY : Good.
LITTLE OLD WOMAN : What the--Hey! Give me back my quarter! Haeeee-yah!
LITTLE OLD WOMAN : That's better. It's all yours.
SLY : Would you look at this? How are we going to beat the girls there?
TONY : We run, little man, we run.
JAKE : Alright, everybody, you're on the Midnight Mike express from now til dawn.
SLY : Hey, Matt, Matt, Matt.
MATT : What are you doing? We're on the air!
SLY : We got good news, we got bad news, and we got worse news.
TONY : The good news is everybody loves the songs.
SLY : The bad news is nobody believes it's us.
JAKE : What's the worst news?
TONY/SLY : The girls are coming!
JAKE : Well, it's dawn in Marrakesh, gotta jam. Stay stout.
TIFFANI : Hey, guys.
JENNY : Did you hear Midnight Mike? He accidently played our songs as the Dirty Dogs.
JENNY : Matt, what are you doing?
MATT : Uh... moon walking?
TIFFANI : What's that?
JAKE : It's a mic. We're working on our mic moves.
SLY : Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
JENNY : Who's in there?
TONY : Ah, sorry, Matt. The acoustics are great, but the closet is just too small for a recording
        studio.
MATT : Thanks for trying, Tony.
JENNY : What are you guys doing here? You said you were going to see Midnight Mike.
SLY : Ah, but we missed him. He keeps moving, you know, broadcasting from different places so
      he doesn't get caught.
TIFFANI : Well, I can understand that. The way he keeps stealing our songs, I'd like to catch
           that creep.
JENNY : You do mean creep in a nice way, right?
TIFFANI : Oh, yeah, in the nicest possible way.
JAKE : Oh, come on, Jenny. He's just a guy.
JENNY : You don't understand. He's more than just  guy, he's amazing. I mean he's so much
        cooler than anyone I've ever known.
JAKE : You mean to tell me out of all the guys you know, you can't think of one who's cooler
       than Midnight Mike?
JENNY : Nope.
JAKE : Okay, I mean, besides these guys.
JENNY : Well, well, now that you mentioned it. There is, there is one guy...
JAKE : Really?
JENNY : Yeah...Luke Perry.
JAKE : That's it. Midnight Mike is gone.
SLY : You can't do that. Guys, we took a fake group and made it the hottest band around. We
      can use that.
TONY : Forget it, man. We're not doing another one of your stupid plans.
SLY : You call this stupid?
GIRL #1 : Oh, wow! The Dirty Dogs are going to play here?
SLY : Yeah, so I was hanging out with my buddy Midnight Mike and I asked the Dogs to do me
      a favor.
GIRL #2 : You know them? What are they like?
SLY : Ah, they're a bunch of flea bitten mutts. But, if you ask me, the real genius behind the
      band is Fetch.
GIRL #1/GIRL #2 : The roadie?
SLY : Hey, in French, road-ay means a hunk-a-hunk-a burnign love.
LUNDY : Excuse me.
SLY : Yeah?
LUNDY : Did I hear you say you knew Midnight Mike personally?
SLY : That's right. I'm practically Midnight Mike's partner. Who are you?
LUNDY : James Lundy, FCC. Federal Communications Commission - Washington. Either you're
         going to help me catch Midnight Mike in the act, or you're going to jail.
MATT : Boy, I'll bet you can't wait until this concert's over, you'll finally be rid of Midnight
        Mike.
JAKE : Yeah, I can't believe this. It's the first time in my life I've ever been jealous of anybody,
       and it's me.
SLY : Well, well, if it isn't Midnight Mike, Fang and Cujo.
MATT : What are you doing, Sly?
TONY : You're wiped? Then get some rest.
SLY : So, Midnight Mike, when and where is your next broadcast?
JAKE : Ah, next Friday. I will announce the Dirty Dogs Concert. But, ha-ha, I will do it from--
       I'm wired?
JAKE : I mean, I'm wired to do this brodcast from--from--
JAKE : ...church? Ah, ah, from the library? From, from that shirt store. From the book...from the
       book...bookstore!
JAKE : From the school?
JAKE : From the school. I'll be broadcasting on Friday from school!
SLY : Thank you, Midnight Mike, for telling me all I needed to know.
JAKE : Alright, I want my young and wild crew to go down to Sharkey's and bust a move. It's
       totally stout for a group as rave as the Dirty Dogs to go local.
JENNY : So, what you're telling me is, you lied to Midnight Mike that the Dirty Dogs were
         playing at Sharkey's.
GUYS : Right.
TIFFANI : Oh, so, now we're going to pretend to be the Dirty Dogs by wearing these maskes,
           and just when everyone's into the music we whip off the masks and reveal it was
           really us the whold time.
GUYS : Right.
JENNY : I only have one problem with this.
JAKE : Only...one?
JENNY : Yeah. How could you lie to Midnight Mike? He's so cool.
SLY : He's around here someplace.
LUNDY : You keep saying that.
SLY : Well, let's check the girls locker room. It's got the best hiding places in school.
LUNDY : How do you know?
SLY : Trust me.
JAKE : Before we start this Dirty Dogs howl-o-thon, I've got something to share...
JAKE : ...the heat is on. The FCC's closing in, so this is my final broadcast.
JENNY : What?!
TIFFANI : He said, the FCC's closing in...
JENNY : I heard that.
TIFFANI : Oh, then he said this will be his final broadcast.
JENNY : I heard that, too. I just can't believe it.
LUNDY : What's in here? We haven't checked this room out.
SLY : You can't go in there. Not yet.
LUNDY : Oh, no? Nobody says not yet to the FCC.
LUNDY : There's the transmitter. Let go of my leg.
JAKE : So party on at the concert tonight, and-- Oh, no! The FCC just pulled up. They found
       me!
JAKE : They're surrounding the building!
TONY : This is the FCC, see. We know you're in there, Midnight, so come out with your mic
        up or we're coming in after you.
JAKE : There's one last thing I've got to do before I split.
MATT : That's our cue. Let's go.
JAKE : Okay, Southern California, here they are, the Dirty Dogs!
JAKE : And the big surprise about the Dirty Dogs is...
TONY : Oh-oh. He didn't say we're the Dreams.
LUNDY : And that's the end of Midnight Mike. So, you see kid, as they say in our great
         nation's capital--Washington, illegal broadcasting doesn't pay.
MATT : They cut the tape too soon! Do something, Jake.
JAKE : This is Midnight Mike. I got away from the FCC. And I'm in my van, making a run for
       the border. But before I go, I have to tell everyone that the Dirty Dogs are, were and
       always will be California Dreams.
JAKE : So, my wild, young friends, whenever and forever, stay stout.
JENNY : I should have guessed sooner.
JAKE : Guess maybe I should have told you sooner.
JENNY : I would have liked that.
JAKE : Well, now that you know, what do you think?
JENNY : I think I may have met the one guy who's just as cool as Midnight Mike.
MATT : Come on, guys. Let's do it!

(MUSIC CUE : "LOW ROAD"
MATT : SHE'S LOST IN A DIRTY WORLD
  ONE STEP FROM A LITTLE GIRL
  SHE'S JUST A FACE IN THE CROWD
MATT : LOOKIN DOWN
MATT : LOOKIN NOT SO
MATT/TIFFANI/JENNY : PROUD
  WELCOME TO THE LOW ROAD
MATT : GO HOME WHILE YOU KNOW THE WAY
MATT/TIFFANI/JENNY : HEADIN DOWN THE LOW ROAD
MATT : GET OUT BABY GET AWAY
  REALLY GOT TO CHANGE YOUR MIND
MATT : BEFORE YOU CROSS THE LINE
MATT : YOU THINK YOU'RE GETTIN HIGH
  BUT IT CUTS YOU TO THE BONE
  AND LEAVES YOU ALL ALONE
  ON THE LOW ROAD
MATT : SHE'S JUST A FACE IN THE CROWD
MATT : LOOKIN DOWN
        LOOKIN NOT SO
MATT/TIFFANI/JENNY : PROUD
TIFFANI/JENNY : WELCOME TO THE SOW ROAD
MATT : SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR CHILDHOOD
TIFFANI/JENNY : HEADIN DOWN THE LOW ROAD
MATT : ONE WRONG TURN AND IT'S LOST FOR GOOD
TIFFANI/JENNY : WELCOME TO THE LOW ROAD
MATT : YEAH)

-THE END-