¡°WOOING WOO¡±/ Monday - January 11, 1999

SLY : So, uh, what's your name?
BAMBI : My stage name is Candi, any my real name is Bambi.
TONY : Well, I'd go out with either one of you.
SLY : Okay, next question. Do you believe in long, passionate kisses?
TIFFANI : What does that have to do with replacing Jenny?
TONY : Everything. Her lips are the off ramp from the freeway of her soul.
TIFFANI : What are you talking about?
TONY : Simple. If she can't kiss, how can she sing?
JAKE : Now, there's a good question. Can you sing?
BAMBI : Why?
MATT : I have a better question.
MATT : Thank you.
TIFFANI : Sly, it would be nice if we could see some girls with talent.
SLY : Hey, look at that walk. Now that's talent!
MATT : I wonder where my dad is? We're supposed to pick up Samantha at the aioport.
TIFFANI : I think It's really sweet of your parents to offer Jenny's old room to an exchange
           student.
SLY : Ahhh, Samantha Woo. I can't wait to meet this Hong Kong honey. Exotic types always
      fall for me.
TONY : The only way she'd fall for you is if you shoved her off a bridge without a bungee
        cord. She's definitely going to be digging on me.
TIFFANI : Come on, you guys. This is an opportunity to exchange ideas, learn about another
           culture, and make a new friend at the same time.
SLY : Don't you ever get sick of being so nice?
DAD : Sorry I'm late, Matt. I had to let the paint dry on my sign. What do you think?
MATT : Next time try crayons.
DAD : Fear not. I can still get her attention. Samantha Woo! Welcome to America!
JAKE : That'll work. She'll definitely know she's arrived.
DAD : Right. But, remember. We don't want to overwhelm her. She's moving to a new country,
       she'll probably be a little bit shy.
SAM : I can't believe I'm finally in America. I thought this day would never come...I mean there
      are so many great things...about this country-Keanu Reeves, Christian Slater, Michael
      Jackson. Are we near Disneyland? Is this my room? It's awesome.
DAD : I'm glad you like it. Well, it's late. I'm sure you want to unpack and get some sleep.
SAM : Actually, I'm thirteen hours ahead, so it's morning for me. I could talk all night.
DAD : Well, I'm sure you'll still be talking when I get up. Good night.
DAD : Honey, where's the aspirin?!
SAM : Look, if you're tired, Matt, why don't you go to sleep, too.
MATT : No, I figured we could stay up and get to know each other. You know, you talk, I'll
        whatch.
SLY : Hey-to, Matthew!
MATT : What are you doing here?
SLY : Are you kidding? I came over to meet our new China doll. Welcome to America! Me Sly!
      Only man you need know!
SAM : First off, I went to an American high school in Hong Kong, and second, if you ever call
       me 'China doll' again, "you not live to be man."
SLY : Yeah. I can live with that.
TONY : Yo, Matt! What are you doing in here? Oh! This must be Samantha. I didn't realize she
        was coming tonight. Tony Wicks, at your service.
SAM : Call me Sam.
TONY : Oh, you speak English? Cool. How about we skip on down to Dewey Wong's and get
        some moo goo gai pan?
SAM : Thanks for the offer, Tony, but I'm sick of Chinese food. Now, if you were to say the
       word "pizza..."
SLY : Pizza? Alright! Did I mention that I'm Italian?
MATT : Well, you'd better get going. I hear Mama Celeste calling.
TIFFANI : Knock, knock.
MATT : Ooh, surprise, surprise. Did you bring sushi? Or maybe a Ninja Turtle video?
JAKE : That's Japanese, you twit. We just came to meet Samantha.
TIFFANI : Hi, I'm Tiffani. Welcome to America.
SAM : These are beautiful. Thank you.
JAKE : Neen how. Woh jow, Jake.
SAM : Neen how. Woh jow, Sam.
SLY : Show off. Where did you learn to speak Chinese?
JAKE : I only know how to say hello. I asked the cook at Dewey Wong's.
MATT : Well, it's late. Why don't all of you get out of here.
TIFFANI : Yeah, Matt's right-we might keep his parents up.
TONY : Yeah. Let's show Sam around town.
SAM : This is great! Hey, do you guys know where any celebrities live? I've got this map of
      the stars homes. Maybe we could drive down there. I want to see where Christian Slater
      lives.
SAM : Hey, what are you doing in the garage? You've got a band?
MATT : Yeah. We're the California Dreams.
TIFFANI : We're in the middle of auditions. We're trying to find a new singer.
SAM : Oh, wow. I've always dreamt of being in a band. At home I used to watch MTV and sing
      along, like I was a rock star. I can sing. I can really sing.
JAKE : Uh, just a shot in the dark here, but you wouldn't want to audition, would you?
SAM : Me? Audition for your band? Give me the mic.
MATT : Here, read these, and we'll play it a few times so you know the tune.
SAM : Okay, I'm ready to rock.
MATT : Let's do it.

(MUSIC CUE : "MAMA SAID"
SAM : HE'S A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT
DOES HIS THING IN HIS OWN WAY
AND WHEN HE FINALLY SPEAKS TO YOU
HE'S REALLY GOT SOMETHING TO SAY
WHY IS HE CALLED A REBEL
TIFFANI/MATT : I DON'T KNOW
SAM : GOIN THROUGH SOME KIND OF PHASE
CAUSE HE'S DRESSED DOWN IN LEATHER
TIFFANI/MATT : OOH OOH
SAM : AND I'M DRESSED UP IN LACE
TIFFANI/MATT : OOH OOH
SAM/TIFFANI/MATT : MAMA SAID
SAM : HE'S THE GUY
TIFFANI/MATT : HE'S THE GUY
SAM : TO BREAK YOUR HEART AND MAKE YOU CRY
SAM/TIFFANI/MATT : MAMA SAID
SAM : HOW LOVE IS BLIND
THAT'S WHAT MAMA SAID
SAM/TIFFANI/MATT : MAMA SAID
SAM : SHE DON'T KNOW
TIFFANI/MATT : SHE DON'T KNOW
SAM : GOT TO FOLLOW WHERE YOUR HEART GOES
TIFFANI/MATT : GOT TO FOLLOW
SAM : THEN LOVE CALLS
YOU CAN'T SAY NO
THAT'S WHAT MAMA SAID
AND I'M SO PROUD TO SAY THAT I'M HIS GIRL
TIFFANI/MATT : OOH OOH
SAM : CAUSE I KNOW THE GUY I LOVE
IS NOT LIKE ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD
SAM/TIFFANI/MATT : MAMA SAID
SAM : HE'S THE GUY
TIFFANI/MATT : HE'S THE GUY
SAM : TO BREAK YOUR HEART AND MAKE YOU CRY
TIFFANI/MATT : MAKE YOU CRY
MAMA SAID
SAM : LOVE IS BLIND
THAT'S WHAT MAMA SAID
MAMA SAID
TIFFANI/MATT : PLEASE DON'T GO
SAM : MAMA SAID
TIFFANI/MATT : MAKE YOU CRY
SAM : MAMA SAID
SAM/TIFFANI/MATT : MAMA SAID)

SAM : Well?
SLY : Band huddle.
MATT : Congratulations. You're the Dreams new singer.
TIFFANI : Hey, what about me?
TONY : Yeah, yeah, you're in, too.
SAM : You're kidding? I'm in the band? I'm in the band. I'm in a band!
JAKE : Don't start signing autographs, yet. We've got a gig for the football team this Friday, and
       you need to learn all our songs.
TIFFANI : Band huddle. I'll help her. Come on, Sam.
SAM : Thanks, guys. And, don't worry - I'll make you proud.
TONY : Forget that proud noise - she makes me happy to be a man.
MATT : Amen.
SLY : Don't even think about it. You guys saw the way she was looking at me.
TONY : It was pity. She was looking at you cause you're pitiful. Me, however, she was looking
        at with...love.
SLY : Oh, yeah? You want to make a bet?
TONY : Yeah, man. I'll bet. I bet she kisses me before she even looks at your big-old-chicken
        -liver-lips.
SLY : You're on!
MATT : Count me in.
SLY : How about you, Jake?
JAKE : If I'm in, it's not a bet - it's just your money in my pocket.
JAKE : Alright, alright! I'll take your money. But just to make if fair I'll give you a twenty-
       four hour head start.
TONY : Hey, Sam. What's up?
SAM : I'm putting up curtains. I can't be sure, but I thought I saw Sly peeking through my
      window last night.
TONY : Oh, you can be sure it was peeping Sly alright.
SAM : Thanks for catching me, Tony. I definitely owe you one. Maybe I should get a ladder...
TONY : Forget that. You're talking to Tony Wicks, curtain hanging maniac. And after I hang
        these, I can hang with you and get better acquainted.
SAM : Great idea. I'll go get us some hanging out stuff...like chips and soda. Do you like
      cherry cola? I hope they have barbecue chips or maybe they have...
TONY : Man, I'll never kiss her if I can't slow down those lips.
TONY : That was quick. Just another second, and we can commence getting acquainted.
MATT : Mmm-hmmm.
TONY : Oh, by the way, did anyone ever tell you it's an old tradition to have a member of the
        band kiss the drummer for good luck?
MATT : Ooooh.
TONY : Yeah, I knew you'd understand, so, pucker up, because you're about to get lucky.
MATT : Kiss me, baby.
TONY : Just go away, Matt. I'm very embarrassed and I need to be alone.
JAKE : It looks like you two are having a good time.
MATT : Oh, yeah. We had an awesome after-noon. Just the two of us. Alone.
SLY : Oh, and what did you guys do?
SAM : Matt helped me run my errands. I bought make-up, opened a bank account and bought
      some stamps.
JAKE : The post office? Matt, you wildman!
SAM : If there's any way I can thank you, just name it.
MATT : Well, there is something you can do.
SAM : Oh, of course-you must be hungry. One burger and fries coming up.
SLY : Boys, I am about to win this bet. You see, when Sam comes back, I'll pretend to choke
      on a fry. She will give me mouth-to-mouth, and baboom, my wallet runneth over.
      Simple, huh?
MATT : Well, they say simple things come from simple minds.
SLY : Exactly.
SAM : Here we go. I got extra fries for everyone. Oh, my gosh! Sly, are you okay? Are you
      choking? He's choking! Um, what do I do? Oh, oh, raise your arms!
SAM : Oh, now what? Uh, uh, jump up and down?
SAM : Sly's choking! Help!
TIFFANI : Sly, are you okay?
SLY : Never better.
SAM : Wow, Tiffani, you were great. Lucky for you she came along, huh, Sly?
SLY : Lucky me.
SLY : Shut up, man!
JAKE : Looks like your head start is over.
SLY : Hey, now that we know Sly's going to live, do you want to go to the new Christian Slater
      movie with me?
SAM : Oh, wow! I love Christian Slater!
JAKE : Come on, it starts in ten minutes.
MATT : Well, we can kiss our fifty bucks goodbye. Knowing Jake, they'll be locking lips before
        the butter melts on the popcorn.
SLY : I knew we never should have let him in on the bet.
TIFFANI : Bet? You guys bet on kissing Sam? That's horrible.
SLY : No. What's horrible is when Jake finds out I'm broke and kills me.
MATT : Wait a minute! We haven't lost yet. I have an idea. Come on!
SAM : This is so cool. But you didn't have to buy my ticket and all this stuff. We can split it.
JAKE : That's alright. I'm expecting to come into some money real soon.
SAM : I hope you don't think I'm a totally star-struck celebrity hound.
JAKE : No, I...
SAM : Sure I've seen all of his movies, and I've got his key chain, and I've got a Christian
      Slater pillowcase, but that's just because I think he's great.
JAKE : Well actually, I...
SAM : But, you guys are great, too. You've made me feel so welcome.
JAKE : I'd like to make you feel even more..
SAM : Shh! No talking.
JAKE : What was I thinking?
MATT : Hey, check it out - Christian Slater came to see his own movie.
SAM : Oh my gosh, Christian Slater!
SLY : What, no cartoon? What a rip off.
SAM : Oh, my gosh! It really is him! I've got to get his autograph!
SLY : It was beautiful. You should have seen it. Oh my gosh, it really is him. Ooh, ooh...
GUYS : Jake!
TONY : Jake! How ya doing? Seen any good movies lately?
JAKE : I've got to hand it to you -- great scam. But if you'd left me alone I would have kissed
       her. So give me my money.
SLY : Forget it, Sommers. We don't owe you diddily.
JAKE : Are you talking back to me? You're getting awfully brave.
SLY : Money makes me brave!
JAKE : Boo!
SLY : Yikes!
JAKE : I don't believe this. You scuz balls really aren't going to pay up, huh?
MATT : Hey, we may be scuz balls, but you still didn't kiss her.
JAKE : Fine. Let's go upstairs. I'm going to kiss Sam, and then you can give me my money.
GUYS : Uh-oh!
JAKE : Hey, Sam, I forgot to kiss you goodnight after the movies, I...what the...?
SLY : What's going on?
TONY : Well, either Sam moved out, or this room was hit by some very ambitious burglars.
MATT : Hey, there's a note.
MATT/SAM : Dear guys, Tiffani told me about your cute, little bet. You've dishonored my
              family. You've dishonored my country. And you've dissed me.
SAM : So, I've gone back to Hong Kong.
MATT : Goodbye, Samantha.
DAD : I guess I don't have to tell you gentlemen how upset I am about this.
DAD : But I will anyway! Because of you, that poor girl is somewhere over the Pacific Ocean
       hating America.
DAD : What?!!!
SLY : It was Tony's idea.
TONY : My idea? It was your idea!
DAD : I don't care whose idea it was! You're all going to jail!
MATT : We can't go to jail for this.
DAD : Fine. Then you're all grounded!
MATT : We could do that.
SLY : It was Tiffani's fault! If Tinkerbell here hadn't ratted on us, Sam never would've found out
      about the bet.
TIFFANI : You have a problem with me being so nice, Sly? Well, you guys are nothing but
           insecure adolescents who make bets over kissing a firl to prove your masculinity.
           And, the pathetic thing is you couldn't even do it.
TONY : I...I always liked the fact that you were nice.
TIFFANI : Mr. Garrison, Sam asked me to come over bacause she forgot her "Map to the Stars
           Homes."
DAD : You mean she's still here?
TIFFANI : Yeah. She's at my house. Her flight doesn't leave until midnight.
MATT : She's still here! Maybe we can convince her to stay.
SLY : If not, I bet I can be the first one to kiss her goodbye.
MATT : Sam. Hi.
SAM : What do you guys want? Betting on who'll be the first one to give me a goodbye kiss?
JAKE : No. We came to say we're sorry. And, we want you to stay.
SAM : I'm sorry, too. That's why I'm leaving.
SLY : I'll take care of this. Wo shin da yuren.
SAM : Well, that's true, you are a major dork.
SLY : Man, that Dewey Wong has a mean streak.
JAKE : Look, Sam, we realize the bet wasn't a very cool thing to do. And we really are sorry.
SAM : You should be. I was like, "how cool, here I am in a new country and these people are
      reaching out to me." But you only reached out to get a kiss. You guys really hurt me. I
      guess men can be pigs in any country.
SLY : Right. So, you might as well stay here?
SAM : No way. Not until you understand how it feels to be treated like a piece of meat.
TIFFANI : This is perfect.
SAM : Couldn't be better. Come on, it's showtime!
TONY : Hey, I'm not going through with this unless we all do it. Where's Jake?
SAM : Oh, that's right. Come on...Jakie.
JAKE : Please stop calling me that. This is hard enough.
BUTCH : Goo-ga-moo!
TONY : Man, these guys don't get out much.
BRUNO : Hey, looking good. I'd sure love to get you in the huddle.
TONY : Pig!
BUTCH : How about we get together later? Come on, give me your phone number.
MATT : I...I...I...
SLY : You go girl. You two make a nice couple.
MATT : Alright, my number is nine-eight-nine...
SLY : Hey! That's my phone number!
JAKE : Who pinched me?!
BUBBA : That would've been me. Now how's about giving me something back?
JAKE : I'll give you something back.
SLY : This is terrible.
SAM : Now you understand what I felt like.
SLY : Not that. I can't believe nobody's hitting on me.
JAKE : Alright, Sam, you were right. We only thought we understood before.
MATT : Yeah, we get the point.
TONY : And we'll never forget it.
JAKE : Never.
SAM : Alright, I'm satisfied. I'll stay.
TIFFANI : Thanks, guys. You were great.
BRUNO : No problem. Oh, and Winkle, you got lipstick on your teeth.
JAKE : Oh, I see. So this whold thing was a scam.
SAM : Well, after Tiff told me about the bet, I really wanted to teach you guys a lesson. But I
      didn't know how. So, when I remembered about the football party I...
JAKE : A simple yes would have been fine.
SAM : Oh. Yes.
TIFFANI : And just to make sure you never forget...

-THE END-