¡°SLEAZY RIDER¡±/ Tuesday - January 12, 1999

TONY : So, you know what you want yet?
SLY : Yeah, I'd like to get close to one of those biker chicks.
TONY : The only way that's going to happen is if you find a genie who'll turn you into a
        leather jacket.
SLY : Well, while you sit here and wish, I'm going over there to do. Vroom. Vroom.
MATT : More like putt, putt.
TONY : Yo, Tiff, you're a candy striper. Why don't you see if he's alright?
TIFFANI : Okay. Hey, Sly, somebody left a bag of money over here on the floor.
SLY : It's mine, it's mine!
TIFFANI : He's alright.
SAM : Hey everybody. You should see Jake's bike. It's so hot. He really fixed it up. Go on, tell
      them, Jake.
JAKE : Well, I'm going to...
SAM : He's going to enter it in the classic bike competition, and he'll probably win, too. Tell
      them, Jake. Go on, tell them.
JAKE : Yeah. Well, I totally...
SAM : He rebuilt it from scratch. Come on, Jake, it's your bike, tell them.
JAKE : I will if someone I know would keep her mouth shut.
SAM : Really! Who?
JAKE : Anyway, I'm really psyched. I've been working on this bike since I was fourteen. The
       only thing I need is the right tail light. It's a 1971 bike but the closest I can find is a
       '73 tail light.
TIFFANI : Who's gonna notice something small like that?
MOOKIE : A '73 tail light on a '71 bike? Nice try, Sommers.
JAKE : What a surprise, Mookie, you've learned your numbers. What's next, the alphabet?
MOOKIE : Oh, yeah? Well, I know how to spell loser, y-o-o. You.
TONY : How does a-hairy-orangutan-looking-goon like that get a goo-ga-moo girl like her?
SLY : Are you kidding? I get girls like that all the time.
MATT : Yeah. And then you wake up.
SAM : You guys are awful -- judaging a girl just by her looks. You have to know someone
      before you go nuts over them.
SAM : Hi, there. New in town? What's your name?
GUY : Huh?
SAM : Nice name. Let's take your bike for a spin. Is it a Harley? Jake's got a Harley. Why
      don't we ride down to the pier and...
JAKE : Hey, guys, great news, my cousin tracked down a '71 tail light, so I'm hopping a bus to
       San Diego to get it. Is it cool if I leave my bike here overnight?
MATT : I guess so.
MATT : What's this for?
JAKE : Meet your new roomie.
MATT : You want me to sleep with your bike?
JAKE : Yeah. You got a problem with that?
MATT : How're you doing, roomie?
SLY : Oh, how sweet. Maybe I'll bring over my moped and we can double date.
JAKE : Hey, don't go near my bike. Don't touch my bike, don't breath on my bike. Hey, hey,
       hey, don't even think about my bike.
MATT : Dont' worry, Jake. I'll take care of it.
JAKE : Yeah. I know you will, because you're scared of me. And, that's why I trust you.
SLY : "Don't go near it. Don't breathe on it."
MATT : Sly, don't.
SLY : Don't touch it.
TONY : Sly.
SLY : Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch.
SAM : What a rush! Tooling down the road with my arms wrapped tight around the waist of a
      modern day gladiator. Mmmm... There's just something about a guy on a motorcycle that
      makes a woman melt.
SLY : Well, a melted mama, works for me. Outta my way, boys. I'm going to buzz Sharkey's on
      Jake's bike, and baboom, babe city.
MATT : Sly, get off the bike.
SLY : Hey, I'm only sitting on it.
MATT : Sly, I'm serious. Get off the bike.
SLY : Matt, stop being such a weenie, Matt. I just want to start it up.
TONY : I'm gone. If this fool wants to mess with Jake's bike, any place in the world is safer
        than here.
MATT : Sly, this is your last warning.
SLY : Chill out. I'm only gonna ride it to the end of the driveway.
MATT : Oh my gosh, he just ran over Tony.
SAM : What should I write?
MATT : Well, what do you want to write?
SAM : Well, I'd like to write something about how you're really a great guy and that I hope
      your leg heals fast, because it's no fun lying around the hospital eating bad food and
      having nurses take your temperature and having doctors...
SLY : This is terrible.
SAM : Okay, okay. I'll just write "get well soon."
SLY : Not that. When Jake sees his bike is wrecked, he's going to kill me.
TONY : Yeah, and when I get out of here I'm going to kill you again.
MATT : What's this do?
TONY : These buttons control the bed and that one calls the nurse.
MATT : The nurse, hut? I bet she's cute.
TONY : I wish you hadn't done that.
NURSE : What's wrong, buttercup?
TONY : Oh, nothing. My buddy accidentally hit the button.
NURSE : Keep your grubby fingers off that, you scuzbucket!
SLY : Which button makes her disappear?
NURSE : I heard that! I'll be just down the hall if you need me, honey.
MATT : Good thing she didn't see these chocolates, you wouldn't have any left. Can I have
        some?
TONY : Yeah, I mean, you sent them, right?
MATT : Not me.
TONY : Well, then thank you, Sam.
SAM : Not me.
SLY : Me, either, but I'll have a piece anyway.
TONY : No, you won't.
SLY : Who's gonna stop me, gimpy?
TONY : Give me those.
SLY : Take them.
TONY : I'm not playing, man.
TIFFANI : Sly, give me the candy, then leave.
SLY : Take them.
TIFFANI : Don't mess with me, Sly. If it weren't for you, Tony wouldn't be here.
SLY : Oh, sure. One little mistake and they hold it against you forever.
SLY : What's so funny?
TONY : Oh, I just had an image of Jake coming back and craming pieces of his bike so far up
        your nose, you'll be sneezing motor oil for a week.
SLY : Oh, I'm busting a gut.
TONY : Yeah, Jake'll probably do that, too.
SLY : I'm out of here.
TONY : Run! Run, little man! But you're going dowwwnnnn!
TIFFANI : Comfortable?
TONY : Fine.
TIFFANI : Can I get you anyting?
TONY : No, I'm fine.
TIFFANI : You are such an easy patient, so much nicer than Marky Mark.
SAM : Marky Mark is here?
MATT : Yeah, he's probably having his underwear surgically removed.
SAM : Tiffani, I love Marky Mark. You've got to take me to his room. That's all I ask. I'll never
      ask anything of you again, as long as I live. Promise!
TIFFANI : Okay.
SAM : You don't have a camera, do you? How about an autograph book or a pen...
TONY : Yo, Matt, have you noticed Tiffani's been acting real friendly lately. I mean, friendly
       friendly. She's sending me flowers and candy...
MATT : Yeah, so?
TONY : Haven't you heard of the Florence Nightingale syndrome?
MATT : Yes, but that's when the patient falls in love with the nurse.
TONY : I know that. What we've got here is a classic case of the reverse Florence Nightingale
       syndrome. I think Tiff digs me.
MATT : Tony, that's ridiculous. But even if it's true, tell her you're not interested.
TONY : Oh, man, if you did that, the girl would say "oh, well" but when I reject a girl, she's
        scarred for life.
MATT : I think that accident broke your brain, too.
TIFFANI : Sam, have you noticed Tony acting strange, lately? Everytime I get near him, he
           gets all jumpy.
SAM : Well, I've heard that a lot of guys fall for their nurses.
TIFFANI : Really? Wow, I like Tony, but not like that. Maybe I should tell him.
SAM : Are you crazy?! It's like waking up a sleepwalker. He's in a state of artificial infatuation.
      If you bring him out of it too suddenly, BAM! He'll never love again.
TIFFANI : Ooh, that'll go against my candy striper oath.
SAM : Any luck getting the bike fixed?
SLY : We found one mechanic, but I didn't like his attitude.
MATT : Yeah, he wanted to get paid.
SLY : And the sick part is that I'm actually considering it.
TIFFANI : Whoa, Sly, You're really scared of Jake, huh?
SLY : It wouldn't be so bad except Tony keeps leaving messages on my answering machine.
      "Run, run, little man."
TIFFANI : Look, I've got to get to the hospital. We're swearing in a new group of candy
           stripers. On my honor, I'll bring your meal, fluff your pillows and help you heal.
TIFFANI : I'm kidding.
SLY : Sam, help me. Teach me Kung Fu.
SAM : What makes you think I know Kung Fu?
SLY : You're Chinese, aren't you?
SAM : Oh, I see. Okay, do as I say. First your stance. Feet shoulder length apart. Balance is
      key.
SLY : Ah, blance. Cool.
SAM : Now, you put your right arm in.
SAM : You take your right arm out.
SAM : You put your right arm in and you shake it all about.
SAM : You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around.
SLY : Alright, alright, you made me feel like a fool.
MATT : That's what it's all about.
SLY : Alright, you've had your little laugh. But, Jake won't be back until tomorrow so I've still
      got time.
JAKE : Time for what, Winkle?
SLY : Jake...
SLY : Jake, you're back!
JAKE : Thanks for the update, Winkle.
MATT : I thought you were staying in San Diego for the night?
JAKE : Once my cousin gave me the tail light, I couldn't wait to get back. My bike is finally
       finished.
SAM : "Finished" is a good word for it.
SLY : What she means is Matt's finished... watching your bike...now that you're back.
SAM : No, I didn't. I was talking about the accident.
JAKE : What accident?
MATT : He...I...We...Oh...Sly?
SLY : Tony! Tony had an accident. Yeah, he slipped and fell and now he's having his appendix
      out.
JAKE : He fell so they're taking out his appendix?
SLY : Yeah, it was the fall. It brought on a sudden attack of appendicitis.
JAKE : Whoa, poor guy. Let's go see how he's doing.
SLY : No! No, no, no. You can't do that! He may not be up for visitors.
JAKE : Right. Then let's go see my bike.
SLY : On second thought, seeing you might inspire Tony to heal faster.
JAKE : Hey, Mook, you see this tail light? It wants to tell you simthing. Shhh, listen carefully.
JAKE : YOU LOSE!
MOOKIE : Oh, yeah? Yeah? Yeah?!
JAKE : Good come back, Mook.
SLY : Guys, guys, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
JAKE : Sly's right. Fifty bucks says I play a better game than you.
SLY : You don't want to do that, Jake.
JAKE : Why not? You don't think I'll win?
SLY : No...it's just because betting is illegal and I don't want you to get into trouble.
JAKE : Thanks anyway, Winkle. You're a good friend.
SLY : I've got to beat him to the hospital. Pray for me.
SAM : Okay. Djow, djow, ciu yun.
SLY : What's that mean?
SAM : Run, run, little man.
TONY : What are you doing?
TIFFANI : I'm fluffing your pillow. It has nothing to do with you. It's my job.
TONY : Hey, you don't have to do that.
TIFFANI : I have to, I took an oath.
TONY : Boy, am I glad to see you.
TIFFANI : I'm gladder!
SLY : Really? I thought you guys were mad at me.
TONY : That's right. I am still mad at you.
TIFFANI : I'm madder! Your goofing around hurt Tony. Of course, I'd be upset if you hurt
           anybody.
TIFFANI : Or anything. A dog. A cat. A piece of lint. Ah, ah... I've got to go.
SLY : Jake's back and he's coming here!
TONY : Good.
SLY : How do you spell "appendix?" One "P" or two?
TONY : Two. Why?
SLY : Because I told Jake you had your appendix out. Come on, Tony, you have to cover for
      me. He'll kill me.
TONY : Get close enough and I'll save him the trouble.
SLY : Come on, tony, he'll be here any minute...make that any second!
JAKE : You, Tony, here, I bought you a little something.
TONY : Cool. The swimsuit issue. This ought to make me feel better.
JAKE : Oh, yeah. It made me feel better and I'm not sick.
TONY : Fell? I was...
TONY : Oww!
JAKE : Is your bed supposed to do that?
TONY : There's a "bug" in the system. Anyhow, I didn't exactly fall. I was...
TONY : Oww!
JAKE : Man, get this thing fixed.
TONY : Jake, you're pretty mechanical. Maybe you'd like to look into it.
JAKE : Winkle? Come. Come!
SLY : Come? Come? What am I, a dog?
JAKE : Sit. Now what's going on?
SLY : I was just trying to fix Tony's bed.
JAKE : I'm waiting, Winkle. Don't make me wait too long.
TONY : Tic toc. Tic toc.
SLY : Okay, but first you've got to promise that when I tell you, you won't kill me.
JAKE : You touched my bike, didn't you?
TONY : Oh, yeah. He gave it that special Winkle touch.
JAKE : Take me to my bike, now.
SLY : Sure, Jake, anything you say.
NURSE : We seem to be feeling much better.
TONY : Oh, yes we do.
NURSE : Oh, my goodness. We're late for surgery. You've been scheduled to have your appendix
         out.
TONY : SLY!!!
SLY : You know, it looks better with the lights out.
JAKE : Touch that again and I'll put your lights out.
JAKE : Three years work...
SLY : Look at the bright side, I'm okay.
JAKE : You are so right, Sly. What was I thinking? How could I be so selfish? How could I put
       my hundereds of hours of labor and sweat in front of your being okay?
SLY : Help. Help!
MATT : Jake, let him go.
JAKE : You're next, Garrison. I trusted you and you let this canker sore ruin my bike.
SLY : You're right, Jake. It's all Matt's fault. You left the bike with him.
JAKE : Winkle, I want those to be the last words you say to me for the rest of your life. I'm
       out of here.
SLY : Thanks for saving me, Matt.
MATT : It's all my fault?
SLY : You understand.
TIFFANI : Do you know that Tony would have had his appendix out if I hadn't heard him
           screaming on the way to surgery. You're bad, Sly.
SLY : Sam, you have to understand, it's my nature. It's like putting honey in front of a bear.
SLY : Okay, okay, you're Chinese, right? It's more like putting Toyko in front of Godzilla?
SAM : That's Japanese, you dork.
SLY : Jake, you see this airplane? It took me five months to build. Of course, I could have
      done it faster, but I kept gluing my hand to the door.
SLY : The point is, I care about this as much as you care about your bike. I want you to
      smash it. Then we'll be even.
SLY : Now we're even, right?
SLY : Fine, it was my brother's, anyway. Please, Jake, please. I'm sorry. You have to believe
      me.
MATT : Here you go, Jake, it's been sanded, pounded and painted.
JAKE : Hey, great job, Matt.
MATT : Thank you.
JAKE : Sorry about coming down on you so hard before.
SLY : Hey, what about me? If I wanted to be ignored, I'd go home to my parents.
JAKE : Well, this is it.
MATT : Good luck, Jake.
SLY : C'mon, Jake, give it a good one.
MATT : Guys, do you think maybe we've been a little hard on Sly?
JAKE : Let's see. The jerk breaks Tony's leg, smashes up my bike, forces me out of the
       competition -- oh, and then he blames the whole thing on you.
MATT : Not hard enough.
TONY : Hey, guys, look who's back.
TIFFANI : Tony, sit here.
SAM : Careful.
TIFFANI : On second thought. Get your own chair.
TONY : That's okay. I was hoping you and I could talk -- in private.
TIFFANI : I guess so.
TONY : Look, Tiff, when I was in the hospital, there was something different going on. I'm a
        handsome man, you're a candy striper.
TIFFANI : I know. I saw it too and I didn't know what to do about it.
TONY : Me, either. Maybe we should just be honest with each other.
TONY/TIFFANI : I don't love you!
TONY/TIFFANI : You don't love me?
TIFFANI : Oh, Tony, I'm so relieved. I thought you loved me.
TONY : No. No, I don't love you at all.
TIFFANI : Me either. I mean, you're a nice guy, but...Let's get real.
TONY : But, hey, wait a minute. If you feel that way, why'd you send the flowers and candy?
TIFFANI : I didn't.
TONY : Well, if it wasn't you, then who?
TIFFANI : There's your answer.
TONY : Oh, no!
SLY : Here, Jake, take it. Take it.
JAKE : A kick-starter...where'd you get it?
MOOKIE : Winkle, what did you do to my bike?
SLY : No time to explain, got to go. Sly Bye.
MOOKIE : Winkle, you're a dead man!
SLY : Wait. The blimp.
SAM : Hi, Sly. How are you?
SLY : I'm in a hospital. How should I be? Hey, Tiff, would you fluff my pillows?
TIFFANI : Sorry, it's my day off.
MATT : So, Mookie did this to you?
SLY : Him and about five other guys. They strung me up like a human pinata.
TONY : Sly, you lying dog. Mookie told me you looked back to see where he was and ran into
       a telephone pole.
SLY : I know that's how they caught me. Then they strung me up.
SLY : Alright, Jake! Did you win? Where's the trophy?
JAKE : I couldn't enter with a stolen part, even if it was Mookie's. But I'll definitely beat him
       next year.
SLY : I can't believe it. Why did I go to all this trouble? Why did I put my life on the line?
JAKE : Because you wrecked my bike and because you ran over Tony.
SLY : Oh, yeah, that. So, I guess that makes us even, huh?
JAKE : Not yet. You still owe me fifty bucks to cover the bet I lose with Mookie.
SLY : Oh, yeah. Taht, too.
JAKE : You're still a canker sore, Winkle, but I forgive you. You're alright, kind of.
SLY : Thanks.
JAKE : No problem.
SLY : Ow!
SLY : Ow! Ow! So, you guys all forgive me, right?
TONY : I'll forgive you in a second.

-THE END-