¡°CAN'T BUY ME LOVE¡± / Tuesday - January 12, 1999

TIFFANI : Hey, guys, today's the day we're auctioning off servants to raise money to buy a
           new scoreboard for the gym. We need volunteers. How about you, Tony?
TONY : Oh, well, I could be persuaded. You know, to help out the school.
KAREN : Hi, Tony, I've been saving my money to buy you.
TONY : Well, I've been saving my energy to be bought.
TONY/MATT : Mmmhh, mmmhh.
TIFFANI : How about you, Matt?
MATT : Oh, I don't know. The whole thing is pretty stupid. You know, buying people... Who
        needs it?
TONY : Susan Metrick won't let you buy her, huh?
MATT : Shut up, man.
SLY : Well, personally I wouldn't want someone to buy me.
JAKE : Don't worry about it. You'd have a hard time seeling yourself to a cannibal.
SLY : Don't be stupid. Cannibals don't have money. Besides, this year I plan to be buyer, not a
      buyee.
SLY : And baboom, look who's for sale: Julie Pruitt.
TONY : Forget it, Sly. Do you know how popular Julie Pruitt is? She was voted Most Popular
        Girl at Central High.
SAM : But she goes to PCH.
TONY : That's how pouplar she is.
JAKE : Wimple, you want to buy a girl who hates your guts, and then you wonder why we
       think you're a dufus.
SLY : Dufus, huh? Well, what do you call a guy who buys a girl and orders her to like him?
JAKE : A desperate dufus!
SAM : Sly, you can't buy someone, order them around and then expect them to like it.
TIFFANI : Does that mean you're not in, Sam?
SAM : Oh, I'm in! I don't care if they like it or not. This girl's getting a flunky.
TIFFANI : How about you, Jake? Are you coming to the auction?
JAKE : Sorry, Tiff, I've got a very important meeting after school.
TIFFANI : That's too bad. It's going to be a lot of fun.
JAKE : Not as much fun as meeting Sally Berlin under the bleachers.
SLY : Hey, guys, look, there's Julie. Maybe I should go warm her up before the auction. Any
      advice?
JAKE : Yeah. Don't.
JULIE : Hey, Brandon, see you at lunch. Ooh, Shelly, that new hat is to die for.
SLY : Hey, Julie. Are you psyched for the big servant sale?
JALIE : What do you want, Fly?
SLY : It's Sly. And I just want to talk.
JULIE : You know how you always try to talk to me in Chemistry, but I always ignore you?
SLY : Yeah?
JULIE : Pretend we're in Chemistry. Hiiiii, Robbie.
SLY : Man, what has that guy got that I don't?
SAM : Well, he's captain of the basketball team, captain of the baseball team, captain of the
      soccer team, he's a straight "A" student, he has great lips...
SLY : Okay, okay, sorry I asked!
COTLER : There you are.
SAM : Hey, Coach, I don't know anything about those peepholes in the boys locker room.
COTLER : What peepholes?
SAM : Oh, nevermind.
COTLER : I just wanted to have a little huddle with my good buddy, Jake here.
JAKE : Coach, I swear I didn't know she was your daughter.
COTLER : Huh?
JAKE : Nevermind.
COTLER : All right, son, here's the game plan. I want that scoreboard. So, I need you off the
          bench and on the field.
JAKE : Oh, coach! This isn't about me going in the auction. Forget it!
COTLER : Please, son! We'll never raise enough money with those scrups. You're studier, hey
         man. Play ball for me, and I'll get you a hall pass. All right, a hall pass for a week.
JAKE : I'll tell you what. You make it a hall pass for a year and your parking space and we'll
       play ball!
COTLER : Touchdown!
MATT : Karen, Karen, Karen.
COTLER : Okay, it's game time. But before we kick off -- here's the ground rules. Servants will
          work for their bosses in and out of school until they're released at Friday's Freedom
          Dance.
COTLER : Have fun, and don't forget, servants can't do their bosses homework.
COTLER : And here's the little lady to call the plays, Tiffani Smith.
TIFFANI : Alright, first up on the block is Tony Wicks. Tony lists his special skills as making
          music, making milkshakes and making out.
KAREN : Ten dollars.
TIFFANI : I have ten dollars, do I have fifteen? I have fifteen, who will give me twenty?
SAM : This is expensive. I only have twenty dollars. Twenty.
TIFFANI : Twenty from Samantha Woo. Do I have twenty-five?
TIFFANI : Matt Garrison bids twenty-five.
MATT : No, wait! I wasn't even...
KAREN : Thirty!
TIFFANI : We have thirty from Karen. Do I have thirty-five?
SLY : I thought you weren't going to did.
MATT : I wasn't. I was just scratching my head like this.
TIFFANI : Thirty-five from Matt Garrison.
TONY : Are you crazy?!
MATT : No, I didn't...
TIFFANI : Going once...going twice...
MATT : Please. Somebody bid.
TIFFANI : Sold to Matt Garrison for thirty-five dollars.
MATT : Oh, man.
TONY : No, no, no. This can't be happening. I demand a re-count.
MATT : I'm worry, Tony, it was an accident. I'll sell you to Karen.
TIFFANI : Sorry, guys, all sales are final.
TIFFANI : Next up is Julie Pruitt. Julie says her special skills are being popular and being
           very very popular.
ROB : Twenty dollars.
SAM : Well, I'm out.
SLY : I'm just getting started. Thirty!
TIFFANI : Do I have forty? Thank you. Do I have fifty? I've got fifty.
SLY : You've got seventy-five.
ROB : Um...seventy six?
SLY : One hundred dollars!
TIFFANI : Wow. Whe's yours, Sly.
SLY : You're a good loser, Hammersley. But I'm a bad winner. I won! I won! Nyeah, nyeah,
      nyeah!
TIFFANI : For our last servant, we have a special surprise... Jake Sommers!
TIFFANI : Jake lists his special skills as --
SAM : Ten dollars!
TIFFANI : Wait, I didn't get to describe Jake's special skills.
SHELLY : Fifteen dollars!
TIFFANI : The heck with it. I've got fifteen, who will give me twenty?
SAM : Twenty.
KAREN : Thirty.
SHELLY : I'll give you, like, fifty!
TIFFANI : I've got like, fifty, will someone say, like, sixty? Seventy! Eighty! Ninety!
MINNIE/MONA/JACKIE : WE'RE THE PEP GIRLS
 WE SHIMMY AND SHAKE,
 WE BID TWO HUNDRED
 SO WE CAN BUY JAKE.
TIFFANI : Sold to the Pep Girls. That's it. Thanks, everyone, and enjoy your servants.
SAM : No fair. I didn't get to buy anyone.
TIFFANI : Sorry, Sam. We're sold out.
COTLER : Wait a minute, what about you, Tiffani?
TIFFANI : But I'm not a servant. I'm the organizer.
COTLER : Time out! Come on, let's be a team player here.
TIFFANI : Okay. You're right, Coach.
COTLER : Time in!
COTLER : Play ball!
SAM : Five dollars.
TIFFANI : Five dollars? But, you bid twenty for everyone else.
SAM : Hey, just because I'm desperate doesn't mean I can't spot a bargain.
COTLER : Touchdown!
TONY : I can't believe you bought me, you big-scalp-scratching-don't-know-what-you're-
       doing-dummy.
MATT : Tony, I told you, I'm sorry. It's just that I had this sudden itch. I've been using this
        new mousse...
TONY : Oh, just get away from me, man.
TIFFANI : Tony, you're missing the point. This whole thing was to help the school and have
           some fun.
SAM : I'm glad you feel that way, Tiff. Because I have a few fun things for you to do.
SLY : Julie, wait, you belong to me until Friday. Hey, who knows? After a few days in
      Winkleville, you may never want to leave.
JULIE : Listen, you sleazoid, I only signed up for the sale to help the school. I don't like you.
        I've never liked you. And I never...ever...ever will.
SLY : So...um...What are you trying to say?
SAM : So, what kind of stuff do you have Tony doing for you?
MATT : Oh, nothing. I didn't really mean to buy him.
SAM : But you did. Sure it was an accident, scratching your head because of the wrong mousse,
      but that could happen to anybody.
MATT : Well, yeah, but...
SAM : But nothing. He volunteered. You paid for him. Done deal. Here he comes. Give him an
      order.
MATT : Okay. Tony, I ah...
SAM : Matt wants to hear some music. Go pop a quarter in the jukebox.
TONY : Oh, really? You still expect me to go through with this servant thing after you
        completely destroyed my hopes and dreams of spending a week in koren's loving arms?
MATT : I...I...I...
SAM : Matt, have you no shame?
MATT : Tony, I...I...I tell you what. I'll be your servant. I'll even deliver this food for you.
TONY : All right, it goes over there. And smile when you deliver it. I want a good tip.
TONY : Alrighg, Jake, how goes the servant life?
MINNIE/MONA/JACKIE : JAKE'S SO HANDSOME
 HE'S SO COOL
 WE'D LOVE TO GET HIM
 IN THE POOL
JAKE : Need I say more?
SLY : Hey, guys.
TONY : Hey, what's up Sly?
MATT : Hey, Sly, where's Julie?
SLY : Oh, I got her outside waxing the Winkle wagon for the third time.
SAM : Sly, I thought you weren't going to make Julie do thingks for you.
SLY : I had to revamp my plan. I underestimated her hatred for me.
MATT : So what's your new plan? Wlrk her to death?
SLY : I just want to make her so tired she'll forget she hates me, then baboom, it's the big, wet
      one.
JULIE : I'm finished...for the third time.
SLY : Good, but my lucky number has always been four.
JULIE : Oh! I'm so tired I don't know what I'm doing.
SLY : All right! I'll give you a break, but you've got to give me a big wet one?
JULIE : Okay, sure. Close your eyes.
GANG : Baboom!
JAKE : Man, I liked this servant stuff at first. But those pep girls are driving me nuts. I mean
       they're really, really peppy.
TONY : C'mom, Jake. How bad could it be?
MINNIE/MONA/JACKIE : J-A-K-E, PEP, PEP.
 J-A-K-E, PEP, PEP.
MATT : You girls can stay, but no orders until after practice.
MINNIE/MONA/JACKIE : WE'LL BE QUIET
 WAIT AND SEE
 FIRST YOU'VE GOT TO KISS US
MINNIE : One.
MONA : Two.
JACKIE : Three.
JAKE : Now let's practice.
MATT : Let's do it. One-two-
SAM : Dryer's finished. Tiff, could you fold my clothes before they wrinkle?
MATT : I said no more orders until after practice.
SAM : Well, I gave that order before practice.
MATT : Let's take five.
SLY : I'm going! I'm going! So, I'll call you?
MATT : Things aren't going too well with Julie, huh?
SLY : Are you kidding? Things are great! I'm on top of the world. I'm--I'm... I'm getting
      nowhere! Jake, you've got to help me! I don't know what to do!
JAKE : Hey, Wimple...Sly...Sly, get off my leg. I warned you about girls like that.
SLY : I know she thinks I'm skunk breath, but I've always wanted a girl who's popular and
      sophisticated.
TONY : You've got to impress her. Take her some place nice where they treat you like garbage.
SLY : It's too soon to bring her home to meet mom.
JAKE : Look, normally, I wouldn't do it, but seeing how pathetic you look, maybe I could help
       you out.
SLY : Thank you, thank you, thank you.
JULIE : I must admit, I'm impressed. When you first mentioned dinner, I thought we'd be at
        Seven-Eleven nuking burritos.
SLY : Actually, that sounds great. Why don't we go pick up a couple of Slurpees for dessert.
JULIE : Excuse me?
JAKE : Tell her you're joking.
SLY : Ha ha ha. Slurpees, feh! I'd rather stay here and drop fifteen bucks for a teeny scoop of
      sherbert.
JULIE : He's very good. Maybe you should give him a tip.
SLY : Okay, I'll give him a tip. Never watch Urkel on a full stomach.
SLY : Oh. Oh, yeah.
SLY : Thank you, Garcon.
JULIE : Would you excuse me, please?
JAKE : Okay, Winkle. Next, you should order for both of you.
SLY : I can't. This whole thing's in French.
JAKE : Oh, come on, you take French at school.
SLY : You mean, I fail French at school.
JAKE : All right, don't panic. As long as I'm here, you're fine.
SLY : Good, thanks...By the way, nice violin playing.
JAKE : My parents forced me to learn this stuff when I was a kid. But, I'd rather be playing...
WAITER : Sacre bleu! You're not our regular violinist. Get out. Get out, you imposter!
JULIE : Sly, why don't you order for us?
SLY : Okay. I'm ordering for us. Here I go. Ta-mare-ay-oon-va-shay?
WAITER : What?! My mother is a cow?!
JULIE : What's the matter? Can't you pull this off without Jake here?
SLY : You mean you knew?
JULIE : Of course. I just wanted to see how low you'd go. You're the most pathetic dork I've
        ever seen. And tomorrow, everyone in school is going to know it.
SLY : Women.
WAITE : My mother is a woman!
JULIE : Ooh. There's the Garcon. Parley vous, dork.
JAKE : So, Julie, guess the rest of your date didn't go too well.
MINNIE/MONA/JACKIE : P-E-P, PEP, PEP. P-E-P, PEP, PEP.
JAKE : Oh, no. They're coming for me. Cover for me, Winkle.
MINNIE/MONA/JACKIE : HEY, SLY, BE OUR WIZ,
 TELL US WHERE JAKIE IS.
SLY : JAKE SOMMERS, HE'S YOUR MAN.
IF YOU CAN'T FIND HIM... Look harder.
SLY : Jake, all clear.
JAKE : It's a sick world, Winkle, when I'd rather be with you than three beautiful girls.
SLY : You're welcome, I think.
ROB : Hey, Winkle, heard about your date last night. Like, tres duh!
JAKE : Hey, Hammersley, why don't you go count your teeth... Before the number changes.
JAKE : Sly, rotten date or not, you can't let these people bag on you.
SLY : I'll say something. This just isn't the time.
JULIE : Au revoir, dork.
SLY : THIS is the time! Alright, Julie, maybe I did some stupid stuff, but I only did it because  
      I wanted you to like me.
JULIE : You had me wax your car because you wanted me to like you?
SLY : Hey I said I did some stupid stuff!! You know what, Julie? You're nothing but a
      superficial snob. And the only way you can feel good is by making other people feel
      bad. I thought you were worth knowing, but you're not.
JAKE : Au revior, babe.
TONY : Matt, when you're done with those, the shark could use a dusting.
MATT : Dust the shark, mop the floor. I can't handle this anymore.
JAKE : Don't do that! It reminds me of the Pep Girls.
MATT : What, that they talk in rhyme all the time?
JAKE : You did it again. That's it. Who's had enough? Who's ready to revolt?
MATT : Hold on, Spartacus. Don't forget we're doing this for the school. And we promised
        Tiffani.
TIFFANI : Hear ye! Hear ye! The great and powerful Samantha Woo has just set a new high
           score on Omega Woman!
TIFFANI : Hear ye! Hear ye! The noble and magnificent Samantha Woo is now leaving the
           building!
TIFFANI : So, guys, how's everyone coping?
JAKE : All right, I guess.
TIFFANI : Well, it's not alright with me! I'm sick of this!
TIFFANI : And I say it's payback time.
SAM : Too bad this whole thing was only for a week. I sure hate to lose Tiffani. She does such
      good work.
KAREN : So, is the Tony Wicks College of kissing still taking applications?
TONY : Oh, yeah, and there happens to be an opening for teacher's pet.
MATT : Here's your soda, Tony.
TONY : Thanks. Now go get another one for me.
COTLER : I want to thank all you good sports who carried our fund-raiser to victory. And now
          I'm proud to unveil PCH's newest teammate, the Acme-You-Score-It Scoreboard.
COTLER : Ahem! Next week we'll be having a car wash.
TIFFANI : Thanks, everyone, for such a great week. And we servants would like to thank our
           bosses for not thaking advantage of us. Now, we have a special surprise for you.
SAM : Oh, I love surprises. Give it to me. Give it to me.
TIFFANI : You heard her. Let's give it to em.
TIFFANI : You sure you don't want to come to Sharkey's with us?
SLY : Go ahead, I'll catch up with you in a few.
JULIE : Hi.
SLY : Hi. What do you want?
JULIE : I've been thinking about what you said, and maybe I was a little hard on you.
SLY : Really?
JULIE : The truth is, you're no Rob Hammersley, but I don't want people thinking I wasn't fair.
        So I've decided to give you another chance.
SLY : Wow. You mean, even after the way I humiliated myself trying to show you a good time,
      you would still give me another chance?
JULIE : Yeah. I'm pretty special that way.
SLY : You mean you'd be willing to give me a big wet one?
JULIE : Well, okay, but let's not make it St. Bernard wet.

-THE END-