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“Junior Achievements”/ Thursday - January 28, 1999
SLY : Hey, Tony, move it -- you're in my seat!
TONY : I'm sorry, Sylverster. I'm so sick, I can't move.
SAM : Come on, Sly, this is Economics class. What do you care where you sit?
SLY : Mr. Parrot's a genius when it comes to business. I need a front-row seat to soak in
every money-making syllable.
TONY : I'm sorry, Sylverster. It'd take a miracle for me to rise to my feet and overcome this
merciless-life-sucking-strain-of-streptococci.
CUSTOMER : Oh, gross!
MR. PARROT : Good morning, class. Now somewhere, hidden in this room, there's a million
dollars! If you can find it... it's yours. Go.
TONY : I'm healed!
MR. PARROT : Just one thing. You can't touch that million dollars. It's in your mind.
SLY : Now I'm sick.
MR. PARROT : I mean it. It's in your mind. M.I.N.D. "Motivation, Ingenuity, No-how and Drive."
TIFFANI : Excuse me, Mr. Parrot, but isn't "know-how" spelled with a "K?"
JAKE : That's why he's not teaching English.
MR. PARROT : Okay, let's use our minds and start a business! Let's break into groups and find
an idea. That's your product. We figure out how much it costs. That'll be your
budget. We develop a marketing plan. That's your, uh... marketing plan. If it's
sound, I'll give five-hundred dollars start-up money.
SLY : Excuse me, is that five-hundred dollars, as in we-can-lose-the-money-and-never-pay-
it-back?
MR. PARROT : No. That's a "loan" as in "you-pay-it-back-or-you'll-work-it-off" in the
bleakest, most horrible way possible.
LORENA : A date with Urkle?
MR. PARROT : No, Miss Costa. Summer school.
TIFFANI : C'mon, guys! How hard can it be to come up with something cool that doesn't cost a
fortune to make?
TONY : I've got it. I've got it!
JAKE : Great! Now I've got it. Move over there before I staple your nose closed.
SAM : Cold-buster to the rescue!
TONY : Thank you, Sam. This is perfect. This is incredible! It's exactly what I needed. Uh...what
is this?
SAM : It's an ancient cold remedy my Great-great-grandmother Woo used to give to all the
people in her village when they were sick. It kept her healthy her whole life.
TONY : So, how'd she die?
SAM : Pneumonia.
SAM : Only kidding. She lived to a hundred and one.
TIFFANI : Aw... so she died in her sleep?
SAM : Neh, she fell off a dragon at a Chinese New Year's parade.
SLY : Come on guys, think. We gotta come up with something cool, something classy,
something like--
JAKE : Me!
LORENA : You? What are we going to do, sell oil rights to your hair?
JAKE : No, I'm sticking to what I do best -- music. I'll give lessons.
TIFFANI : Gee, Jake. That's really, um... How do I put it, it sounds very--
SAM : Small-potatoes, rinky-dink and dull?
TIFFANI : Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!
MARK : I think it's a great idea. In fact, do you want a partner, Jake?
JAKE : I don't know, man. A partner can lead to all sorts of ego problems.
MARK : No, man, you've got my word--no egos. It'll be "Winkle and Sommers!"
JAKE : "Sommers and Winkle!"
TONY : Man, this tea is the magical-mystical-good-bye-post-nasal-drip-good-bye-answer-
ton-my-prayers. I can breathe again.
SLY : Alright!
TONY : Why, thank you, Sylverster. See, it's very nice to know you're concerned about my
health.
SLY : Hey, what do I look like, your mother? I'm talking about the tea. This stuff could make
us rich.
TIFFANI : Sly, are you suggesting that we take advantage of all the poor miserable, sick
students at school?
SLY : A little too sleazy for you?
TIFFANI : No, it's a great idea. Talk about supply and demand.
SAM : No way, guys. My Great-great-grandmother never charged for the tea. She wouldn't
approve of it.
LORENA : Trust me, Sam. She'll never know.
SAM : No, forget it, Lorena, I was raised to respect my ancestors. You guys can understand that,
can't you?
SLY : Sure we can. Don't worry, Sam, your family honor is safe with us.
SLY : Okay, we get Sam's tea analyzed in a lab, find out what's in it, and sell it ourselves.
TIFFANI : Sly, that would be disrespectful of Sam's fellings...
TONY : Well, try something. I need some more tea before my head explodes.
SAM : Drink up, Tony. There's enough tea here to...start an empire!
TONY : Hey, what are you doing?
SLY : Hey, sicko, how much would you pay for twelve hours of nasal freedom?
SLY : Fine. Stay clogged. The chicks really dig a runny nose.
SAM : It's not going to work, Sly.
TONY : Please, Sly, my nose is like "A River Runs Through It."
SLY : Then get a canoe. Five bucks and you can whistle "Dixie" through your nose again.
SAM : You're wasting your time.
TONY : Hands off! Hands off! This one's mine!
SLY : Fifteen bucks in two minutes. In an hour that'd be... uh...
TIFFANI : Four-hundred and fifty dollars.
SLY : Thanks. And in a week that'd be...
TIFFANI : Eighty-two thousand, six hundred dollars. And I don't want to ever hear any more
blond jokes, okay?
SAM : Look, no amount of money could make me sell out my Great-great-grandmother.
SLY : Hey, Tiff, how much would we make in a year?
TIFFANI : Four million, two-hundred ninety-five thousand two hundred dollars.
SAM : Sorry, Grandma!
SAM : Well, I had to go all the way to Chinatown to get it, but here it is, the tea's main
ingredient: Mongolian Lotus Blossoms.
TIFFANI : Sam, as Chief Financial Officer, may I ask you one very tiny business question?...
ARE YOU NUTS?! This puts us way over budget!
SAM : Well, excuse me, but as Chief of Quality Control, I have one very tiny business response
: "Neener, neener, neener."
SLY : And as Chief Executive Officer, I just want to say, "Keep it down." I really think Gilligan's
going to get off the island this time.
LORENA : Oh good, Sam, you're here. What do you think of the tea boxes I made? I was hoping
for something that wasn't quite so plain.
SAM : Wow! Check it out! A mini pagoda. Hold it. "Granny Woo's Shoo-Flu?" What is this? The
Hong Kong Hillbillies? It's "Great-great-grandmother" okay?
LORENA : As Chief of Packaging, there were many considerations that went into this. And the
bottom line was "Great-great-grandmother" just sounded... poopy.
SLY : Okay! Come on, let's make some tea!
SAM : Now remember there's three things that count when you're making tea: Quality, quality,
and don't sneeze because this stuff will fly all over...
JAKE : Hey--what are you guys doing here? I'm about to give a music lesson.
TONY : Well, I'm about to give a business lesson: First come, first stays. Bye-bye.
LORENA : Don't be rude, Tony. Jake can stay...
JAKE : Thanks, Lorena.
LORENA : No problem. Now be quite and go to the corner.
STARFISH : Dude, it's my first lesson, man. You know this public debut might be a bit
premature.
JAKE : Just pretend they're not there.
TIFFANI : Sorry. All done.
JAKE : Okay, so this is an 'E'. And if you put your finger here, you get...
SAM : Hey! Easy on the orange peel. The measurements have to be exact!
JAKE : ...the same note.
MARK : Hey, what's everybody doing here?
LORENA : Look, let's save some time. Mark. Corner. Go.
MARK : Sorry about this, but sometimes artists have to work under the worst possible
conditions.
MARK : Now, just repeat after me...
SELMA : What?
MARK : Do, re, mi...
SELMA : It's so loud I can't hear myself scream!
MARK : Wait, please don't go.
STARFISH : Sorry, dude. Maybe next time, pick a quieter place... like a Guns 'n' Roses picnic
or something.
TONY : Come on, come on, let's get back to work. We're going to need a big supply to meet
the big demand after people see my commercial.
SAM : What commercial?
TONY : Don't worry, as Chief of Advertising I promise I won't do anything to dishonor the
sacred memory of your great-great-grandmother.
TONY : What do you mean you don't like it?!
SAM : Tony, my great-great-grandmother would roll over in her grave if she saw me
impersonating her in a commercial.
TONY : Don't be ridiculous. She'd be honored. You look just like her -- except of course
without the dragon hoof prints. Alright, people...places.
TONY : Lights, camera... cough!
TONY : Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Lorena, this is not a teeny tickle in your throat. This is a deadly-
bone-rattling-spine-chilling hacker... like this.
TONY : You take direction very well. Alrighty then, cough!
TIFFANI : Oh... daughter... what... ails... you?
LORENA : Oh, mother! Save me! I have been infected by... the evil one!
SLY : N'yah ah ah! Tis I... the Phantom of Phlegm... here to claim another victim! Prepare to
meet your nose-dripping doom!
TIFFANI : Oh woe. What am I to do? Help. Help.
TONY : Cut! Uh... Tiffani? Could you make that "help" as in... HELP!!!
TIFFANI : Oh, sure, no problem.
TONY : And action!
TIFFANI : Help. Help.
SAM : Feat not! Here's an ancient Chinese remedy. Drink it!
LORENA : Who are you?
SAM : Granny Woo. I'm here to get rid of your ah-choo.
SLY : No, no! Anything but that. Not Granny Woo's Shoo-Flu! I'm melting! I'm melting! I'll get
you my pretty! Aaaahhhhh!
LORENA : Wow! I feel great! And I can even operate heavy machinery!
SAM : Four out of five Chinese grandmothers surveyed recommend Granny Woo's Shoo-Flu.
TIFFANI : Gee, Sam, I hope this isn't too disrespectful to your grandmother.
SAM : Are you kidding? She'd love it -- I was great.
TONY : Well, we'll find out what your public thinks soon enough. The commercials been
running all night on the local access station.
TIFFANI : Wait a minute! Tony, we're not budgeted for that much air-time!
SLY : Tiff, it takes money to make money. That's why the rich get richer...
LORENA : ... and daddy has tow yachts.
TONY : So, guys... did you love it?
JAKE : We have only one thing to say.
MARK : Yeah. Thanks for not asking us to be in it!
SLY : What are you laughing at? At least we have a commercial. When it comes to advertising,
you've got bupkis.
JAKE : Hey, when you have a good product, you don't need to advertise.
MARK : Yeah, we're going simple. Our marketing plan is good old-fashioned word-of-mouth.
LORENA : Well, if you're relying on the mouths of your last two students...
TIFFANI : Oh, I'm sure those weren't their only students...were they?
(MUSIC CUE
JAKE : I'M SOMMERS.
MARK : I'M WINKLE.
JAKE/MARK : LEARN TO PLAY PIANO -- OR PLAY THE GUITAR.
WITH TEACHERS LIKE US, WE'LL MAKE YOU A
STAR! -- YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE.
JAKE : EVEN IF YOU'RE TONE-DEAF
MARK/JAKE : YOU'LL BE SINGING THE BLUES.)
MARK : Well, that was a stupid idea.
JAKE : I told you. It's a complete waste of time. Advertising doesn't work.
CUSTOMER : Look, it's that cold germ from the TV commercial!
SLY : N'yah ah ah!
TONY : Gather round you poor souls. We're happy to help you!
TONY : Hey, back off, bacteria boy!
SLY : Tea.
TONY : Tea.
SLY : Cash.
TONY : Cash.
SLY : Tea.
TONY : Tea.
SLY : Tony.
TOY : Tony...what?
SLY : Tony...what?
SLY : We're gonna be rich!
TONY : I know. And we didn't even go to medical school.
SLY/TONY/SAM/LORENA : We're going to be rich and famous!
We're going to be rich and famous!
We're going to be rich and famous!
SAM : This is great. The first thing I'm going to buy with my cut is a white Ferrari.
LORENA : Sam, are you really sure your granny would have wanted you to spend the profits
from her tea that way?
SAM : You're right... I'll get a red one.
SLY : So, Tiff, how'd we do?
TIFFANI : Well, we made five-hundred dollars.
TIFFANI : But we spent five hundred dollars, so we broke even!
SLY : Hey, no problem. No problem. We'll just raise the price.
TONY : Great, then it'll be four out of five millionaires recommend "Granny Woo's Shoo Flu."
TIFFANI : Look, we've just got to find a way to cut costs.
SAM : I guess we can look for some ingredient that's cheaper than Mongolian Lotus Blossoms.
TIFFANI : But, Sam, isn't that what makes this tea so special?
LORENA : Yeah, we wouldn't want you to compromise the family recipe.
SLY : Yes, we would. Hey? We're talking profits here!
SAM : Sly's right. We're talking profits. You can't let tradition get in the way of a cherry red
Ferrari, baby.
TIFFANI : But, Sam, what would your Granny say?
SAM : "Get one with a CD player."
TONY : Not only did changing the key ingredient save us a ton of money, but... It tastes
exactly the same as it used to.
MARK : Wow, you replaced the Lotus Blossoms? With what?
SAM : Dianthus caryophyllus caryophyllaceae.
MARK : Huh?
SAM : Carnations.
JAKE : Hey, Mark, can you take my four o'clock lesson today? I've been teaching since ten. Man,
I'm wiped.
MARK : Forget it. This is the first break I've had all day.
TONY : Wait a minute. You guys mean to tell me you've finally got some customers?
JAKE : Are you kidding? We went down to the Middleberry Gifls School. We've got a waiting
list a mile long.
TIFFANI : That's great, guys. Who says you're not good businessmen?
LORENA : Yeah. So how much did you make?
MARK/JAKE : Um... well... Nothing.
JAKE : Well, Michelle's too broke, I couldn't charge her...
MARK : And Chantall's too cute, I couldn't ask her to pay...
JAKE : Maria doesn't even speak English, and--
LORENA : Are you guys saying you didn't charge any of them?
MARK : No, but we've got dates for the next five months.
SEA KELP : Hey, (hic) you tea-dudes. I want my (hic) money back.
SAM : Is something the matter?
SEA KELP : Yup (hic). I took one sip (hic), and now I can't surf because I can't say: Cow-a
(hic), cow-a (hic), cow-a (hic) bunga.
TIFFANI : Guys, maybe it's time to give up and throw in the tea leaves.
LORENA : Yeah, as my father always says : Quit before you're sued.
TONY : C'mon. We can't give up a fortune because of one dissatisfied customer. (hic) Make it
two.
SAM : Oh, no. It must be a side-effect from the carnations.
CUSTOMER : There (hic) they are! Get em (hic)!
TONY : Head for the (hic) hills!
SAM : This is all my fault.
TIFFANI : C'mon, Sam. We didn't know that substituting carnations would give people hiccups.
LORENA : Well, what do we tell Mr. Parrot?
TONY : How about, "See you in summer school" (hic)?
SLY : I've got a better idea. Let's do what smart businessmen do: Get rid of the evidence.
SAM : Sly, we're talking about my Great-great-grandmother's honor! I should have known
better. But all I could think about was Ferraris and money and... Ferraris.
TIFFANI : Sam, it wasn't just you. We're all responsible.
SAM : No, it was my fault. It was my idea to switch the ingredients.
LORENA : But, Sam, we didn't--
SAM : Please, guys... I think I need to be alone right now. I'll see you in class tomorrow.
SLY : Sheesh. This is the last time I do business with a two-hundred-year-old lady who can't
drive a dragon.
SAM : I guess I blew it, huh?
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER : You sure did, little ladybug.
SAM : Great-great-grandmother...
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER : Oh, sure. So now I'm Great-great-grandmother. What
happened to "Granny?"
SAM : I'm so sorry. I know the tea was sacred and you never took money for it.
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER : That's because I lived in a poor village. But I took chickens,
an occasional goat... One time I even got a free ride on a
New Year's dragon.
SAM : So that's how it happened.
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER : Yep.
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER : Just remember, there's nothing wrong with getting paid...
as long as people are getting what they paid for.
SAM : What can I do? I feel terrible.
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER : You must restore my honor.
MR. PARROT : Okay, so let me get this straight: You succesfully started and you operated a
music tutoring business.
JAKE/MARK : Right.
MR. PARROT : But because you're a couple of softies, you didn't charge for your services.
JAKE/MARK : Right.
MR. PARROT : Well, at least you tried. Now you can pay back the loan.
JAKE/MARK : Wrong.
MR. PARROT : Wrong?
JAKE : Yeah, we, uh, kind of spent some of the money on a couple of dates.
MR. PARROT : Well, then I have no choice but to give you a couple of "D's" for "dating"
MR. PARROT : Or, I could give you an "S"... for "summer school."
MARK/JAKE : "D" is good.
MR. PARROT : Well now, let's hear how "Granny Woo's Shoo-Flu" did.
SLY : Well thanks to your seed money, Mr. Parrot, Shoo-Flu's on the rise after a spectacular
first quarter -- you could say we're a smash...
SAM : You could...except we're not.
MR. PARROT : What?
SAM : Sorry, guys. We cheated on the quality of the product... and we cheated our customers.
MR. PARROT : I see. And now you're ready to accept the consequences?
TONY : I'd like to take this opportunity to resign from the Granny Woo Tea Company.
SAM : Yes. And return all the money to everyone who got bad tea.
MR. PARROT : Well, uh... then I have no choice but to give you... an 'A'.
TONY : You know, I never actually typed my resignation.
SAM : An 'A'? I don't get it.
MR. PARROT : Well, Miss Woo, you could teach a lot of business people a thing or two.
SLY : Like how to file for bankruptcy?
MR. PARROT : Like integrity, Sly. You can't ever have too much of it.
SLY : I won't.
SAM : Well, Great-great-grandmother. I've restored your honor. And mine. Thanks for
everything.
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER : You're welcome.
-THE END-
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