¡°Treasure of PCH¡± / Friday - January 29, 1999

(MUSIC CUE : "ANYTIME YOU NEED ME"
TIFFANI/SAM : ANY TI-E-IME
    ANY TI-E-IME
MARK : SOMEDAY YOU MAY NEED A FRIEND
  WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT
  MAYBE SOMEONE STRONG TO DEFEND YOU,
  UH-HUH
  WHEN YOU'RE UNPROTECTED
  ONE DAY YOU THINK YOU GOT IT
TIFFANI/SAM : ONE DAY
MARK : THE NEXT DAY IT'S GOT YOU
ALL : ANYTIME
MARK : YOU NEED ME
TIFFANI/SAM/MARK : I'LL BE THERE
MARK : I'LL COME TO YOU DAY OR NIGHT
ALL : ANYTIME
MARK : YOU NEED ME
TIFFANI/SAM/MARK : GIRL I SWEAR
MARK : TOGETHER WE'LL MAKE IT ALRIGHT
ALL : ANYTIME
MARK : YOU NEED ME
TIFFANI/SAM/MARK : I'LL BE THERE
MARK : I'LL COME TO YOU DAY OR NIGHT
ALL : ANYTIME
MARK : YOU NEED ME
TIFFANI/SAM/MARK : GIRL I SWEAR
MARK : TOGETHER WE'LL MAKE IT ALRIGHT
ALL : ANYTIME
MARK : YOU NEED ME
TIFFANI/SAM/MARK : I'LL BE THERE
MARK : I'LL COME TO YOU DAY OR NIGHT
ALL : ANYTIME
MARK : YOU NEED ME
TIFFANI/SAM/MARK : GIRL I SWEAR
MARK : TOGETHER WE'LL MAKE IT ALRIGHT
TIFFANI/SAM/MARK : ANY TI-E-IME
ANY TI-E-IME)

JAKE : Alright, goodnight, everybody.
SLY : Hey, guys, guys, I'd like you to meet Billy Buckman, he's the Concert-on-the-Pier
      promoter.
BILLY : YOU GUYS WERE TERRIFIC!
BILLY : IF THISE PIER CONCERTS TAKE OFF, I WANT THE DREAMS TO BE REGULARS!
TONY : Alright!
SLY : Baboom!
BILLY : YOU'RE WELCOME!
JAKE : What's wrong with that guy's hearing?
SLY : Ah, he hurt his ears standing to close to the amps. I'm telling you, it really puts a cramp
      in his love life.
BILLY : HEY, BABE, LET'S GO FOR A NICE, QUIET DINNER!
BILLY : What?! What's wrong?!
SLY : This is going to be great! He paid us a thousand bucks!
SAM : Man, we've never made that much before! We're talking big bucks, baby!
SLY : And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Do you know how much the Stones get for a
      concert? About a million dollars!
MARK : Man, Lorena, you must feel like dancing all the time then!
LORENA : Being rich doesn't mean you're always happy, Mark.
TONY : No, but it does mean you're rich!
JAKE : Man, imagine that. Us, rock stars, rolling in dough...
SLY : A million dollars? Look, for a measly mil all the Dreams'll do is come out on stage, and
      say "Say-anatra!" Oh, you want them to sing? That'll be two mil. Hang up on him. Now
      kiss me. I love being rich.
JAKE : Hmm... I feel like going for a ride today. Oh, Tannenbaum...
JAKE : I don't know... Should I use the '67 Harley or the '77 Yamaha?
BUTLER : There's a bit of humidity today, sir. May I recommend the '55 Triumph?
JAKE : Excellent choice. Have it gassed up and brought around front at once.
MARK : Splendid game, Tiffy.
TIFFANI : Not so bad yourself, Winkie. That last serve almost took off my head.
MARK : It's a pity it didn't. So, how much do I owe you this time?
TIFFANI : Nothing really. Just your summer estate in Maui...
MARK : Ooops! There goes another one! Tea?
SAM : Oh, look at this! They claim this is a photo of Tony and me kissing by a fountain in
      Paris.
TIFFANI : Not true?
TONY : Of course not. We were kissing by a fountain in Katmandu!
SAM : I'm tired of this trashy paper printing nothing but lies!
TONY : By Jove, let's buy the pesky little thing and have everyone fired.
SAM : Man, a thousand dollars! Come on, let's hit Sharkey's! Cheeseburgers are on me!
MARK : And I'm buying shakes!
TONY : Hey, and I'll serve us and give myself an extra-big tip!
LORENA : Jake, I'm worried about the Dreams.
JAKE : What are you talking about? Things are going great!
LORENA : It's the way everyone's talking about money. I'm afraid if you guys did get rich, it'd
           ruin everyone's friendship. I've seen it before.
JAKE : Oh, with your father's business partners?
LORENA : No, with Dylan and Brenda on "90210"
JAKE : Look, that's ridiculous. Besides, we're all friends. We'd never let money come between
       us.
LORENA : Oh, yeah? Well, I'll make you a bet. If the Dreams thought they had a real chance of  
           being rich, all friendships would be out the window.
JAKE : You know, I'd take that bet, but how could we even do it? I mean, we'd have to fool
       them into thinking they're rich...
LORENA/JAKE : That could work.
LORENA : Let's bet a kiss. That way no matter who wins, no one loses.
JAKE : Cool. Should we shake on it?
LORENA : Hmm... let's kiss on it.
JAKE : Hey, guys, check out this old book I found in the library basement. I'll bet it's been
       buried down there for years... Oops.
LORENA : Gee, what's that?
TIFFANI : Well, it's a letter. And it's dated 1953. Listen : "I know the Martians are landing on
           Thursday. There's no way I'd let those six-eyed, green goobers get their tentacles
           on my moeny."
SLY : He's a nutcase.
TIFFANI : "I'm not a nutcase. So I'm hiding my fortune: Five million dollars."
SLY : Gimme, gimme, gimme! "I've left a trail of four riddles. Who ever can solve them can
      keep my fortune."
TONY : Oh, and look, here's the first riddle.
TIFFANI : Wow! You do hear about rich eccentrics all the time.
SAM : Wait a minute. Don't tell me we're actually considering running around like maniacs
       trying to find "treasure" How do we even know it's real?
JAKE : Yeah, you're probably right. I mean, there's only a small chance this could lead to five
       million dollars. I'll just throw this away.
TIFFANI : Okay, here's the first riddle: "For two hours of gladness and mirth, it's more than fifty
           cents worth. If you do happen to go, check the fifth in the hottest row."
MARK : Hmm... what makes you happy for fifry cents and lasts for two hours?
TONY : Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This was written back in 1953. Well, back in those
        days, for fifty cents, people could go to the movies!
SAM : Ooh, I love it when you're smart.
TONY : Oh, yeah? Well, um: "E" equals "mc" squared.
SLY : Alright, let's go get that five million dollars.
JAKE : Yeah! And we're going to split it seven equal ways, right?
LORENA : I don't know. Since Tony figured out the riddle, I think he should get more money
           than the rest of us.
MARK : No way!
MARK : He should get a lot more! That was really smart. He deserves it.
TONY : No, man. We're all friends. Everyone gets an even cut.
TONY : Come on, man, I love you guys. Come on, group hug!
JAKE : And, at the end of the round one, everyone's still friends. I hope your lips will enjoy
       being wrong as much as my lips'll enjoy being right.
JAKE : "If you do happen to go, check the fifth in the hottest row."
LORENA : Hmm, which one's the hottest row?
SLY : I know! You make out in the last row, ipsofatso, that's the hottest row.
TONY : I don't know, man. There's a whole lot of somebody sitting there...
TIFFANI : Piece of cake. I know how to handle big guys like that. Excuse me...
TIFFANI : There's a mouse under your seat.
CRUSHER : Eek! Eek! Eeeek!
TIFFANI : I found it! I found it!
TIFFANI : It's in here. Let's go to Sharkey's and figure it out.
SLY : Okay, I'll hold it.
TIFFANI : I found it, I'll hold it.
SAM : You're suddenly awfully insistent, Tif...
TONY : Yeah! You're not thinking of solving the clue without us, are you?
JAKE : Guys! This is Tiffani. She's so honest, she's like Abe Lincoln, only with nice legs.
TIFFANI : "Go where it's best, for fish, for walks, for rest." That's all it says? What does it
           mean?
TONY : I know! I know! It's Petunia's Pet Palace! They've got the cutest goldfish in town!
SAM : Forget it, Tony. For a stupid answer like that you should kiss Sly.
SLY : Yeah! Hey!
MARK : Hey, you can fish and rest and walk... at the pier. It's also the "best" place on the
        beach!
TIFFANI : Yeah, that's it! It's the pier! Let's go!
LORENA : Wait, it's late. We don't all have to march down there. Mark, you go. We all trust him,
           right?
MARK : I don't believe this! You guys don't trust me?
SLY : It's not that we don't trust you, we're just afraid that you'll run off with the money if we're
      not there.
MARK : Fine! If that's how you feel! One of you go.
SAM : Great! I will!
JAKE : Guys, guys! It's late and we're burnt. Let's bag it till morning, and then we'll all go to
        the pier together -- as friends. Come on, how about a group hug?
JAKE : I said, group hug! It won't be long now. Better start puckering up.
TONY : I was not trying to push you out of the car. The passenger door is broken and it opens
        sometimes when I make left truns. Quit being paranoid.
SAM : I am not being paranoid -- I just think you're trying to kill me!
TIFFANI : So! This is how you guys go home?
SAM : Oh, and I suppose you're here doing some moonlight surfing.
TONY : Hey, chill, don't even argue. Let's just split the money three ways.
MARK : Make it four ways.
TONY : Hey, you can't trust anybody these days.
TIFFANI : We should be ashamed of ourselves. I feel so dirty and slimy and skunky. I feel like
           Sly.
SLY : Hey, I'm not skunky!
SAM : Well, it looks like none of us can be trusted.
MARK : Except Jake and Lorena.
TIFFANI : Yeah, they're real friends.
SLY : And because they are our real friends, We don't have to split it with them.
SAM : Okay. Everybody look carefully and spread out.
SLY : Hey, nobody try anything funny.
SAM : Okay. I know, The Brady Bunch did an episode like this. And Marcia found the money...
       under a park bench! Stupid show!
SLY : Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money.
TIFFANI : This is awful. If we keep being so greedy, we won't be friends much longer... Then
           again, five million bucks could buy lots of new friends!
TONY : What was that?! Oh, just Tiffani. Man, I've got to relax. Deep breaths. I am cool. I am
        calm. I am...
SLY : Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money.
MARK : Look at Tiffani. I hope she finds it. What am I saying?! I've got to be more sneaky,
        more underhanded...
SLY : Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money.
MARK : More like a Winkle!
SLY/MARK : Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money. Gotta find the money.
SLY/MARK : Got it!
SLY : Let go! I saw it first.
TIFFANI : STOP IT!
TIFFANI : Later!
SAM : One more step, Smith and you'll be sleeping with the fishes. Capiche?
TONY : Give me this. "Where lessons are learned like English Lit, this last riddle's in a place
        you sit."
GANG : School.
SAM : Okay, school's locked up until morning. So there's no sense in going now.
SLY : She's right. So tomorrow morning, let's meet at school and solve the final riddle. And I
      never want to talk to any of you money-grubbing scumbuckets again.
TIFFANI : Wow... You think you know who your friends are, until money gets involved.
JAKE : Man, I can't believe it. Their greed is tearing them apart. You were right, Lorena. I
       guess you win.
LORENA : Well, I didn't want to win like this. They're ready to kill each other. I'm sorry I ever
           suggested it.
JAKE : Let's call them tonight and tell them the truth.
LORENA : Boy-oh-boy, are they going to be mad!
JAKE : Oh, you think?
TIFFANI : I can't believe we all spent the night sleeping on the school steps.
SLY : Shut up and read the clue.
SAM : Shut up yourself, Sly.
TIFFANI : Thanks, Sam.
SAM : I didn't do it for you, blondie. Now shut up and read.
TIFFANI : "This last riddle's in a place you sit."
TONY : Oh, that's just ridiculous. What are we supposed to do, sit in every seat in the school...?
        Reach under them like this... And pull out the riddle...? Now, that's just ridiculous. Um...
        why don't you all check over there.
SAM : I don't think so.
SAM : "To get my money in your paws, come if you dare to the den of jaws."
TIFFANI : Jaws? Jaws? He must have meant shark -- "Sharkey's!"
SAM : Wait a minute. These clues were supposed to be written back in the fifties, but nobody
       called sharks "Jaws" until the movies came out in the seventies.
TIFFANI : Yeah, and come to think of it, this school wasn't even built until nineteen sixty-
           nine... Oh, wow! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
SLY : Absolutely... But you tell me what you're thinking so you can be sure.
SAM : It's all a fake. You can't plant clues about movies that weren't made yet in buildings that  
      weren't built yet.
TONY : You know, this all started with that old book that Jake found...
MARK : Now that you mention it, Jake sure has been awfully calm, and Lorena, too...
SAM : Oh, man! How could we be so stupid? It's so obvious.
SLY : Yeah, they just want to find the money and keep it for themselves.
TIFFANI : No! Jake and Lorena scammed us!
TONY : Yeah, we've got to get them back!
MARK : Hmm, I've got an idea...
JAKE : Hey, we tried calling you guys last night. Where were you?
MARK : Just follow my lead. Well, we spent the night sleeping on the school steps.
JAKE : Look, I don't know how to break this to you, guys, but this whole treasure thing, was
       sort of a... joke. Heh-heh-heh.
LORENA : See, Jake didn't believe me when I said that money could hurt friendship. So we
           came up with this buried money story...
JAKE : And then things got a little crazy. Sorry.
MARK : Oh, right! You two just want the money for yourselves. I told you!
SAM : Sure, you let us do all the work, then get rid of us, just when we're about to cash in.
TIFFANI : Well, forget it, you two can't fool us.
JAKE : But listen--
MARK : We're going to find this fortune tonight at Sharkey's. We'll wait until closing, so nobody
        sees us. Tony, bring the keys.
JAKE : Whoops.
TIFFANI : Mark, this is great! They'll definitely think we lost our minds looking for the money.
SAM : They're coming!
LORENA : Look at this place!
JAKE : Stop it! Look at yourselves! You're like animals searching for raw meat. There is no
       money!
MARK : Yeah, I know. We have looked everywhere.
LORENA : We tried to tell you guys, it was just this bet we had.
TONY : A bet? Wait, wait. You two had a bet? On us?
SAM : How much did you bet? One hundred dollars? Two hundred?
LORENA : Um... a kiss?
TIFFANI : You mean, that all this running and searching and fighting was over a kiss?
MARK : That was great. You guys had us totally fooled!
JAKE : Wow, I can't believe you guys are taking this so well.
SLY : Well, if you really want to make it up to us...
LORENA : Just name it.
TONY : How about cleaning this place up?
JAKE : Fine, we'll clean up. We deserve it.
JAKE : I got it. I got it.
JAKE : Hey, what's this? "Victor, here's your cut from the big job. See you real soon. Like in
       five-to-ten."
JAKE : Diamonds! Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh, oh... Stay calm. Think, think, gotta think.
LORENA : We found them! They're ours!
JAKE : Okay, that covers thinking.
LORENA : Wait a minute, wait a minute... these could be fake. I mean, they make them so well
           these days even I can't tell if they're real.
JAKE : So what do we do?
LORENA : Well, you just stay here and clean up, and I'll go home and check them out with my
           jeweler's loupe.
JAKE : Great! I'll just stay here and... Wait a minute. Why should I stay here? I found them.
LORENA : Jake Sommers! I'm hurt. You don't trust me? Your own girlfriend?!
JAKE : Oh, you'd trust me to check them out myself?
LORENA : Not on your life.
JAKE : Alright, that does it! I'm taking these things to the jeweler's and that's it.
LORENA : Oh, no you're not. I am.
JAKE : Oh, no you're not. Give me that back!
TONY : My, my, my, my, my!
SLY : Just look at you two! Like animals fighting over raw meat. Disgusting.
JAKE : I take it these are fakes.
MARK/TONY/TIFFANI/SAM/SLY : Yep.
LORENA : So you guys were getting us back for what we did to you?
MARK/TONY/TIFFANI/SAM/SLY : Yep.
JAKE : And I'll bet you really enjoyed making us look like greedy, selfish idiots.
MARK/TONY/TIFFANI/SAM/SLY : Mm.. yep.
MARK : What were you trying to prove, anyway?
LORENA : That a lot of times, people let greed ruin their friendships.
TONY : Man, we came close to that.
TIFFANI : We were more than close. We were there.
MARK : I'm sorry I didn't trust you guys.
TIFFANI/SAM : Me, too.
SAM : Well, we still do have a thousand dollars. I suggest we be careful and not let it hurt our
       friendships.
SLY : Absolutely. And since I am the manager, I'll hold the money for safe keeping...

-THE END-